You're Not Here

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Sole Sovereign, Aug 2, 2004.

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  1. Sole Sovereign

    Sole Sovereign Hungry But Never Starving

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    “Woefully bestoed”
    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?p=9628674#post9628674

    “Fuck You”
    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=778283

    “You are not my father”
    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=778930


    “You’re Not Here”


    You're not here…
    But yet I fight, And that’s what the rejections like…
    It’s when just the absence of you can affect my life
    You're not here…
    And there’s something about that, makin’ my clout crash..
    You need to be here, my arms can express things that my mouth can’t
    You're not here…
    This is all the life that I’m left, which I’ve likened to death
    Cuz I’d rather give up on it all, then fight my regret
    You're not here…
    I think that I’m roaming, time’s slipping and slowing
    How did you make me love you forever, when I live for the moment
    You're not here…
    Have I scared you away?, in some terrible way
    It was my burden to believe in you, now I bare it in shame
    You're not here…
    And maybe you never have been…maybe I’m getting past it
    I conceived the possibility of you in my life, n lately you’ve been a bastard
    You're not here…
    But your persistent. Stick’s n stones, u never let ‘em beat you
    However, how can I stay positive if I never get to see you
    You're not here…
    I’m feeling abandoned…there’s no longer a feeling of passion
    And damn it, I’m going thru some shit I’m really needing a hand with
    BUT. YOU'RE. NOT. HERE.

    And you’ll never be back..it’s a lie, n it’s never intact
    …But even thru the pain and tears, it’s been said it’s a fact…
    Now all my rhetoric’s bad, and yet, you’ll never support me
    Never adore me, never involve me in your metaphorical stories
    But I haven’t given up…now my children will be raised to see…
    That God, I had faith in you, but you damn sure didn’t have faith in me​
    test
  2. AliuqeT

    AliuqeT New Member

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    Damn that was good. and i liked tha twist at tha end, i thought u were talkin about ur father or sumthin but damn i was surprised keep it up
    test
  3. quotive

    quotive 3

    Joined:
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    13,756
    Hmm...

    Anti-christism I suppose? Ehh I could relate a bit, cool..

    Multies brought it down... I'm a strongggg lover of multies... but it didn't well with this piece..

    The ending was a twist, yeah... I kind of got who it was about from the beginning. This is too straight foward for the twist at the end to be surprising...

    Dull piece with a lot of imagination... By the looks of your writing and style... you have tons of better material... share it with us yo.
    test
  4. _-MaSphyxia-_

    _-MaSphyxia-_ New Member

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    ^I agree..

    The piece was VERY dull, and the repetition of "You're not here.." only made it worse. The layout of this piece was horrible, and I felt linez like this:

    Have I scared you away?, in some terrible way

    were very forced, and made the piece somewhat corny. I felt your emotion at the end, but I barely had enough stamina to read to the end because it lacked liviness. Try to liven (I tried writin s-p-i-c-e but it won't let me =|) thingz up to keep your reader'z attention.. But as Quotive said.. I'm sure you have better material.. Keep it up tho.. =]
    test
  5. *Hott Chocolate*

    *Hott Chocolate* current mood: happy

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    4,390
    wow..i really liked this one! i can so relate to this one, it's like it was writen about me. i loved the line, "You need to be here, my arms can express things that my mouth can’t". anyways, keep writing!
    test
  6. Saph

    Saph New Member

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    I liked this too...it could've been better but most poems could be better--you could tinker with it forever and it would lose most of the good things just to be perfect. Aint no such thing as perfect poetry anyway. The format didn't throw me off and I'm a format junkie. I like that plain easy to read stuff--but this worked for me. keep pen to pad, peace.
    test
  7. SeDuCe

    SeDuCe i sm0keheavy....

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    To not be online for a year maybe two... Then to come back to be blessed by ya thoughts is lovely. y0 fow0rd i remember i used to hit u up bak in the day...im glad to see ur still posting. beautiful piece
    test
  8. Clarksvegas_Dan

    Clarksvegas_Dan Registered Voter

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    Sad, so Sad. A very beautiful poem. Very compelling style. Thank you.
    test
  9. Sole Sovereign

    Sole Sovereign Hungry But Never Starving

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    Seduce girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah.. i went through alot of shit.. losing my son and all. You still writing? hit me up in pm
    test
  10. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2001
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    Liked the structure of the piece. I dont think it was too dull, I just think it got a little too repetitive on some parts. The ending was pretty nice. Good job

    one luv
    test
  11. who~is~she

    who~is~she THE ORIGINAL~ILL~SISTAH

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    i agree
    test
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