Your Leaving

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by LEZmerise, Jan 9, 2004.

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  1. LEZmerise

    LEZmerise New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2004
    Messages:
    30
    You walk out the door
    and say no more
    Partings are never wat they seem too be
    I never want too be that person
    They just arent real too me

    You can leave without a word
    But i'll think of you forever
    you are just one touch away
    but too have you is not wat i heard!

    The stars are in the sky
    The sun is hot as it shines
    I just want too fly never be set down
    Never be trampeled by the minority of life!

    Set me free
    Just let me be
    i want too live
    but is it worth it?!

    without you it means nothing
    just another daze
    nothing is nothing
    without you too light my torch
    and guide me through the sights of night

    When you left you tore me in two
    you had my other half but it doesn't appear anymore
    I have no shadow its wat i see
    you were my shadow
    but too me its not wat i see

    I saw us in our youth happy and free
    No one touched us and just let us be
    But the shackles of life are on me now
    You took the key that set me free
    And i wonder is there any point?

    My end is now
    Ill miss you all
    But its not what i want
    I had my chance i threw the key
    In the abscess my heart went with it.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Im only new on here but i like the poems you guys and gurls have wrote! their cool! Hope mines Not too bad....

    "If You Have 2 choices too make and are stuck by both turn away and make your own choice"
    test
  2. lpoet

    lpoet POET

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2002
    Messages:
    12,678
    welcome to the realm

    i like this..however i think that u should work on your lines a bit....go a lil more in depth....its cool to be vague sometimes and you dont always have to sound deep...what i'm saying is give the reader a bit more of a picture...i want to follow u better...

    still a nice job

    again welcome and i hope to see more from you soon

    UPIN
    test
  3. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2001
    Messages:
    17,331
    ^I agree with lpoet. This piece was fairly good, i Just think you should get more depth. Work with your words and try not to make it sound so cliche. But i enjoyed the read. Welcome to the realm.

    one luv
    test
  4. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2004
    Messages:
    16,576
    thanx for the feed by the way, much apperciated, ya kno what, imma break it down for ya

    You walk out the door
    and say no more
    Partings are never wat they seem too be
    I never want too be that person
    They just arent real too me
    this is nice, emotion is deep, felt this opener, vocab needs to be up'd tho' abit...not hating, just constructive critisism

    You can leave without a word
    But i'll think of you forever
    you are just one touch away
    but too have you is not wat i heard!
    nice is straight deep four lines here, the last line keeps goin straight over my head tho', no matter how many times i read it

    The stars are in the sky
    The sun is hot as it shines
    I just want too fly never be set down
    Never be trampeled by the minority of life!
    word, the last line is dope, nicely linked with the previous line "fly" and "trampled on", i like that

    Set me free
    Just let me be
    i want too live
    but is it worth it?!
    this is a bit vague as lpoet said, i dont think this line came from your heart, try to make these lines deeper like you truly mean them, get me?
    without you it means nothing
    just another daze
    nothing is nothing
    without you too light my torch
    and guide me through the sights of night
    i like this stanza, all of it, this was the best one so far, especially the third, forth and fifth lines, they weer straight fire

    When you left you tore me in two
    you had my other half but it doesn't appear anymore
    I have no shadow its wat i see
    you were my shadow
    but too me its not wat i see
    first two lines are doooooooope!!!!...damn, i love all of this one, ill

    I saw us in our youth happy and free
    No one touched us and just let us be
    But the shackles of life are on me now
    You took the key that set me free
    And i wonder is there any point?
    this was flames aswell, your closure on this poem is real nice...much more emotions are released and it is comin a whole lot deeper as a result of this!!!
    My end is now
    Ill miss you all
    But its not what i want
    I had my chance i threw the key
    In the abscess my heart went with it.
    nicely linked the two last lines by the metaphor, i liked this

    overall i thought this poem was lackin emotion at the begining sadly, but BOY did you pick it up towards the end, it started flowing like a mofo!!!...i liked it just for the second half of it....peace easy...welcome to te realm[/I
    test
  5. LEZmerise

    LEZmerise New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2004
    Messages:
    30
    ...Tanks for the info:) was cool nice and well constructed:) I know it was abit heywire in the first verse and some lines coz it was my first one but thanks all the same:) Ive got loads more abit better than that one lol I shall be around :) and thank you again
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Build a monument and smash it when i dont want too be like it just because you have false idols in me"
    test
  6. MEZmerise

    MEZmerise MEZmerise till i die!!!

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2003
    Messages:
    303
    hmm so one bloody steal my name grrr oh well
    ok it was kinda of ok like how pplz said more depth
    test
  7. christofer

    christofer .Nothing Is Sacred.

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2003
    Messages:
    76
    this was alrite.. kinda shady in some parts... keep on writing..
    test
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