You walk out the door and say no more Partings are never wat they seem too be I never want too be that person They just arent real too me You can leave without a word But i'll think of you forever you are just one touch away but too have you is not wat i heard! The stars are in the sky The sun is hot as it shines I just want too fly never be set down Never be trampeled by the minority of life! Set me free Just let me be i want too live but is it worth it?! without you it means nothing just another daze nothing is nothing without you too light my torch and guide me through the sights of night When you left you tore me in two you had my other half but it doesn't appear anymore I have no shadow its wat i see you were my shadow but too me its not wat i see I saw us in our youth happy and free No one touched us and just let us be But the shackles of life are on me now You took the key that set me free And i wonder is there any point? My end is now Ill miss you all But its not what i want I had my chance i threw the key In the abscess my heart went with it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Im only new on here but i like the poems you guys and gurls have wrote! their cool! Hope mines Not too bad.... "If You Have 2 choices too make and are stuck by both turn away and make your own choice"
welcome to the realm i like this..however i think that u should work on your lines a bit....go a lil more in depth....its cool to be vague sometimes and you dont always have to sound deep...what i'm saying is give the reader a bit more of a picture...i want to follow u better... still a nice job again welcome and i hope to see more from you soon UPIN
^I agree with lpoet. This piece was fairly good, i Just think you should get more depth. Work with your words and try not to make it sound so cliche. But i enjoyed the read. Welcome to the realm. one luv
thanx for the feed by the way, much apperciated, ya kno what, imma break it down for ya You walk out the door and say no more Partings are never wat they seem too be I never want too be that person They just arent real too me this is nice, emotion is deep, felt this opener, vocab needs to be up'd tho' abit...not hating, just constructive critisism You can leave without a word But i'll think of you forever you are just one touch away but too have you is not wat i heard! nice is straight deep four lines here, the last line keeps goin straight over my head tho', no matter how many times i read it The stars are in the sky The sun is hot as it shines I just want too fly never be set down Never be trampeled by the minority of life! word, the last line is dope, nicely linked with the previous line "fly" and "trampled on", i like that Set me free Just let me be i want too live but is it worth it?! this is a bit vague as lpoet said, i dont think this line came from your heart, try to make these lines deeper like you truly mean them, get me? without you it means nothing just another daze nothing is nothing without you too light my torch and guide me through the sights of night i like this stanza, all of it, this was the best one so far, especially the third, forth and fifth lines, they weer straight fire When you left you tore me in two you had my other half but it doesn't appear anymore I have no shadow its wat i see you were my shadow but too me its not wat i see first two lines are doooooooope!!!!...damn, i love all of this one, ill I saw us in our youth happy and free No one touched us and just let us be But the shackles of life are on me now You took the key that set me free And i wonder is there any point? this was flames aswell, your closure on this poem is real nice...much more emotions are released and it is comin a whole lot deeper as a result of this!!! My end is now Ill miss you all But its not what i want I had my chance i threw the key In the abscess my heart went with it. nicely linked the two last lines by the metaphor, i liked this overall i thought this poem was lackin emotion at the begining sadly, but BOY did you pick it up towards the end, it started flowing like a mofo!!!...i liked it just for the second half of it....peace easy...welcome to te realm[/I
...Tanks for the info was cool nice and well constructed I know it was abit heywire in the first verse and some lines coz it was my first one but thanks all the same Ive got loads more abit better than that one lol I shall be around and thank you again ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Build a monument and smash it when i dont want too be like it just because you have false idols in me"