Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Pent uP, Apr 20, 2005.

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  1. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

    Apr 10, 2001
    Jook stop upping old post.
  2. FadedMemories

    FadedMemories New Member

    Apr 25, 2005
    I've grown and realized I won't grasp you again in my clutch
    I realize i won't feel tied down by chains, strangled
    in warm, fuzzy, feelings and bright aspiring eyes...
    I won't be mesmorized by that baby looking smile...
    those soft and bossom-warm like lips that entice....

    This had to be my favorite stanza in the piece

    Im not sure if I thought the first one went exactly with the piece.. Like I understood the metaphors and all but they almost came as part of another piece.. because thw riting was different in the rest of it.

    But there were on the other hand some very powerful emotions in this piece, the jealousy and anger coming through.

    Overall, there were good things going on here.
    Look forward to seeing more.
  3. eM-T

    eM-T Because We Are

    Apr 26, 2005
    "I Feel like a fabrication disguised as your Jester.
    The hallucinations that cause u to see a talking sun.
    The drunk that wrongfully inspires a love letter.
    that cigerrete in the morning you smoke to "wake up."
    All the excuses in the world combined into one word...
    "Yes!" Goddamnit...

    I Feel I've spent all the nights in the world Ignoring this..
    not because i have no way to go around it, but I am afraid....
    Afriad to touch on what my feelings might cause in return,
    Afraid of what the reactions touch upon myself would be;
    Afraid of how impossible the odds im up against are
    Afraid of where I would go as soon as you shunned
    Afraid of who I could potentially hurt in return
    Afraid of the failure a future just might hold
    Afraid of which way the fucking wind blows!
    Afraid of the shortcomings i may produce
    Afraid of me righting the wronged right
    Afraid of being wrong and not taking action
    Afraid of not standing up for what was mine first!
    Afraid of regretting the actions that i Should choose!
    Afraid of letting you get away, and each day it seems so;
    Afriad of the mistake i made out of fear and anger towards me!
    Afraid to admit that I blamed you for something that wasn't true....
    Not because i was trying to hard to commit, but because i was afraid....
    I Feel I've spent all the nights in the world ignoring this!

    But I've grown now: a little more concious, a bit more of an asshole.
    I think I know that much more, and have upgraded my humor.
    Downed my charm a bit, upped the charisma, this and that characteristic.
    In its simplicity im still seriously simplistic"

    ^^ this is by far the part of the poem I like the most. Your first stanza in quotations has a flawless flow to it. I also liked the way you started and ended the second stanza in quotes with "I feel Ive spent all the nights in the world ignoring this" I am usually not a fan of repitition within any stanza (afraid of..) but I think it worked out where. I like the way you created a mood and an atmoshpere giving the poem a story like nostangia attached to it. I felt that you started to run out of steam a little at the end. The way you started to word things seemed a little less thought out, as if you were more focused on tieing everying together.

    Overall a good poem.

  4. 6th_plague

    6th_plague More then meets the eye

    Jul 29, 2001
    So when I bleed, I come to myself, but dream of you
    So then indeed, I see myself but dream of you
    and yes of you, but not only you, i will not Lie
    for killing him i dream, comes to you in no surprise.....

    i really like that part right there..this was good..its wayyyyy better then anything i could ever do..i like the imagery (sp?) you used through the piece..good drop
  5. areeyesee

    areeyesee New Member

    Jan 7, 2004
    yo man i wanna hear this read family, i can relate to this shit in so many was cause i got the same damn fears. me and u are of the same clothe fam, this shit is lovely.
  6. D-Ray

    D-Ray New Member

    May 5, 2005
    this was a real nice drop.. really feelin tha first half.. tha second half was kosher.. feelin tha emotion and effort put in this.. def. understand where u commin from.. very very nice write.. keep doin wat u do
    one luv
  7. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Feb 17, 2001
    Random Uppage, hehe
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