Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Pent uP, Apr 20, 2005.
Jook stop upping old post.
I've grown and realized I won't grasp you again in my clutch
I realize i won't feel tied down by chains, strangled
in warm, fuzzy, feelings and bright aspiring eyes...
I won't be mesmorized by that baby looking smile...
those soft and bossom-warm like lips that entice....
This had to be my favorite stanza in the piece
Im not sure if I thought the first one went exactly with the piece.. Like I understood the metaphors and all but they almost came as part of another piece.. because thw riting was different in the rest of it.
But there were on the other hand some very powerful emotions in this piece, the jealousy and anger coming through.
Overall, there were good things going on here.
Look forward to seeing more.
"I Feel like a fabrication disguised as your Jester.
The hallucinations that cause u to see a talking sun.
The drunk that wrongfully inspires a love letter.
that cigerrete in the morning you smoke to "wake up."
All the excuses in the world combined into one word...
I Feel I've spent all the nights in the world Ignoring this..
not because i have no way to go around it, but I am afraid....
Afriad to touch on what my feelings might cause in return,
Afraid of what the reactions touch upon myself would be;
Afraid of how impossible the odds im up against are
Afraid of where I would go as soon as you shunned
Afraid of who I could potentially hurt in return
Afraid of the failure a future just might hold
Afraid of which way the fucking wind blows!
Afraid of the shortcomings i may produce
Afraid of me righting the wronged right
Afraid of being wrong and not taking action
Afraid of not standing up for what was mine first!
Afraid of regretting the actions that i Should choose!
Afraid of letting you get away, and each day it seems so;
Afriad of the mistake i made out of fear and anger towards me!
Afraid to admit that I blamed you for something that wasn't true....
Not because i was trying to hard to commit, but because i was afraid....
I Feel I've spent all the nights in the world ignoring this!
But I've grown now: a little more concious, a bit more of an asshole.
I think I know that much more, and have upgraded my humor.
Downed my charm a bit, upped the charisma, this and that characteristic.
In its simplicity im still seriously simplistic"
^^ this is by far the part of the poem I like the most. Your first stanza in quotations has a flawless flow to it. I also liked the way you started and ended the second stanza in quotes with "I feel Ive spent all the nights in the world ignoring this" I am usually not a fan of repitition within any stanza (afraid of..) but I think it worked out where. I like the way you created a mood and an atmoshpere giving the poem a story like nostangia attached to it. I felt that you started to run out of steam a little at the end. The way you started to word things seemed a little less thought out, as if you were more focused on tieing everying together.
Overall a good poem.
So when I bleed, I come to myself, but dream of you
So then indeed, I see myself but dream of you
and yes of you, but not only you, i will not Lie
for killing him i dream, comes to you in no surprise.....
i really like that part right there..this was good..its wayyyyy better then anything i could ever do..i like the imagery (sp?) you used through the piece..good drop
yo man i wanna hear this read family, i can relate to this shit in so many was cause i got the same damn fears. me and u are of the same clothe fam, this shit is lovely.
this was a real nice drop.. really feelin tha first half.. tha second half was kosher.. feelin tha emotion and effort put in this.. def. understand where u commin from.. very very nice write.. keep doin wat u do
Random Uppage, hehe
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