Yes.....

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Pent uP, Apr 20, 2005.

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  1. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    I Feel like a puff of smoke, in nas's broken sky,
    wind blown over the bullets that killed Biggie.
    A Pager that distracted a Doctor during a transplant.
    The nipple that aroused the flaming knife juggler.
    The slippery when wet sign laying face down
    on both sides.........

    I Feel like a fabrication disguised as your Jester.
    The hallucinations that cause u to see a talking sun.
    The drunk that wrongfully inspires a love letter.
    that cigerrete in the morning you smoke to "wake up."
    All the excuses in the world combined into one word...
    "Yes!" Goddamnit...

    I Feel I've spent all the nights in the world Ignoring this..
    not because i have no way to go around it, but I am afraid....
    Afriad to touch on what my feelings might cause in return,
    Afraid of what the reactions touch upon myself would be;
    Afraid of how impossible the odds im up against are
    Afraid of where I would go as soon as you shunned
    Afraid of who I could potentially hurt in return
    Afraid of the failure a future just might hold
    Afraid of which way the fucking wind blows!
    Afraid of the shortcomings i may produce
    Afraid of me righting the wronged right
    Afraid of being wrong and not taking action
    Afraid of not standing up for what was mine first!
    Afraid of regretting the actions that i Should choose!
    Afraid of letting you get away, and each day it seems so;
    Afriad of the mistake i made out of fear and anger towards me!
    Afraid to admit that I blamed you for something that wasn't true....
    Not because i was trying to hard to commit, but because i was afraid....
    I Feel I've spent all the nights in the world ignoring this!

    But I've grown now: a little more concious, a bit more of an asshole.
    I think I know that much more, and have upgraded my humor.
    Downed my charm a bit, upped the charisma, this and that characteristic.
    In its simplicity im still seriously simplistic.

    Just another fuck up
    Just another Goof
    Just another pothead
    Just another target
    Just another another.....
    but thats far from my point

    I've grown and realized I won't grasp you again in my clutch
    I realize i won't feel tied down by chains, strangled
    in warm, fuzzy, feelings and bright aspiring eyes...
    I won't be mesmorized by that baby looking smile...
    those soft and bossom-warm like lips that entice....

    I'm chasing a Demon of mine, and he holds my Tongue
    No Kitten, No Cat, No Panther, No Lion makes me Dumb
    Not my Loins, Ethnicity, Or ability to pun
    Even in the best of times this demon's Ran the Run

    I do not cry for the fact that someone claims you as his
    or that when we talk, we speak, but you converse...
    or when we joke, you laugh with me but howl with him
    or when you cry, you come to my shoulder, but cry to his

    So when I bleed, I come to myself, but dream of you
    So then indeed, I see myself but dream of you
    and yes of you, but not only you, i will not Lie
    for killing him i dream, comes to you in no surprise.....

    how unfair to me it is for the world to be fair
    I Dont care for this world enough to have to share
    I'd rather return a stare of an inferno's flare
    then to feel the air of him, a wrongful pair....

    So here! Here I've caught my demon quick!
    Catch my breathe? Missy hope I Catch my wits!
    because this demon is no male I hate, nor female
    it is my soul, with mouth covered in green tape

    and i stab him once in the stomach, As hard as possible
    And once near the heart, it seems right so
    and I remove his Tape, and he Yells everything at once!
    It sounds so normal, yet so complex, its "YES!" he shrieks
    as my soul departs, i feel i do too...Do you Miss me yet?

    And yes I Miss you, in my heart it is so
    the reason you read this is becase you must know
    i support you to the fullest, even in marriage
    But I feel so elderly in my bare age, that I can say
    I love you, and no matter what, I won't go away.......
    test
  2. absolute zero

    absolute zero Among the living

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    yo this was dope. The first stanza was real....

    and i liked the afraid section too....would've sounded real dope spoken....almost a silent rage that i'm sensing...and damn the last two stanzas were incredible. Graphic too. lol. Stay up

    God Bless.
    test
  3. masterragu

    masterragu Sweep The Leg, Johnny!

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    Damn really dug this. Man this was on a real poetry tip, with everything that I used to love about poetry. Isnt a bunch of dribble, it's hard hitting poetry. Dug every part of this, and the first 5 or 6 lines were incredible...
    test
  4. Soular Guided

    Soular Guided Soulful Dike...

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    1,065
    I read this earlier this morning when we talked.. I personally think you should've switched the two pieces... you know what I'm talking about!

    'But I've grown now: a little more concious, a bit more of an asshole.
    I think I know that much more, and have upgraded my humor.
    Downed my charm a bit, upped the charisma, this and that characteristic.
    In its simplicity im still seriously simplistic.' - I thought this was a really terrific stance...

    Although I felt like the "afraid" stance held weight.. I wasnt too particular about it.. however overall this was super nice..

    peace!
    test
  5. RealMS

    RealMS Ne te quaesiveris extra

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    I read this, but I'll be coming back to comment. Eh, you know how I am-somewhat. I just printed it out. Though it may not take that long for it to absorb in my mind (unlike last time) I still wanna look over it.

    btw wish me luck tomorrow-(district track meet) so what if I'm "athletically inclined"
    :wink:
    I will tear it up :smiles:

    -Much Love
    test
  6. BK-NEON

    BK-NEON I'm Me, Bitch!!!

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    This was a pleasure to read, I really enjoyed this piece

    Afraid of the failure a future just might hold
    Afraid of which way the fucking wind blows!

    i can relate to that...excellent
    test
  7. skandelous_lala

    skandelous_lala back from the dead

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    Very nice....full of imagery and emotion

    Very well written.

    For writing longer pieces you come off doing them insanely well. Usually when people do longer pieces I find myself getting bored of them quickly or they start to ramble but haven't found that problem with you! You're always saying something new.
    test
  8. UnOriginal

    UnOriginal All Day Long

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    Apr 5, 2005
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    too complicated for me. Im feeling not so smart all of the sudden.

    I like your word play.

    maybe dumb it down a notch for me? I just can't take it all in.

    I noticed there are large sections that contain no imagery. I know that it was not needed but I think it might have made the poem in general more powerful.

    just is single perspective is me
    honest feed

    unisme
    test
  9. MisterEThoughts

    MisterEThoughts MysteryOfUntoldTruth

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    Yo, this was mad nice.. Original for sure... Definitely not what i am used to compare to other things... Kind of long... But i read it all... but i am feeling the word play and the originality... we should collab. thanks for seeing mine...
    test
  10. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    This had like a moment of clarity type of feel to it. I like how you set up the first two stanzas. It started out the poem real nice then it just explodes with raw emotion and honesty. Honesty in a poem is always a plus with me. I cant stand reading long poems, but I think you did a good job at keepin the reader's attention.

    Uppin for you


    one luv
    test
  11. RealMS

    RealMS Ne te quaesiveris extra

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    Did you notice the illustration in the 3rd part? Well anyhoo, you got quality and quanity like I said before, and what can I say this is just sweet-not bitter sweet though. May seem that way but when you reminisce on things you can't help but smile for a moment.
    It's almost like you're comfortable in writing without limits. lol, I still read this. The explanation points really added more emotion to it imo; I really don't pay attention to that when writing my own-I used to think readers would already know but...

    -Much Love
    test
  12. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

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    inner demons....we all have them....this was nice pent for real....I love your touch on the subject....the first part had some good imagery and detail which I was really feeling....you have a str8 to the point metaphor style that is uncanny I love it....the last half of the poem was more structure and more revealing....I was feeling it overall.....

    "yes"

    ^powerful word

    PEACE AND GODBLESS
    test
  13. Madnick

    Madnick Modern Laureate

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    Damn Pent..
    Me and you are going to have to collab and shit soon.
    Hit me with a topic..
    But this was captivating you had my attention..
    Loved this poem nice work.
    test
  14. AlmostFamous

    AlmostFamous U got a problem?

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    I Feel like a fabrication disguised as your Jester.
    The hallucinations that cause u to see a talking sun.
    The drunk that wrongfully inspires a love letter.
    that cigerrete in the morning you smoke to "wake up."
    All the excuses in the world combined into one word...
    "Yes!" Goddamnit...


    yes than...

    i still say fuck you

    hahahah

    good piece man
    test
  15. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    up one time
    test
  16. Zeta

    Zeta New Member

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    371
    Damn got my fucking props lol, the end was all thizat
    test
  17. Johnnie French

    Johnnie French Voodooradio.podomatic.com

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    19,128
    Very well done. I've pointed out the parts I like to you. It's not really something that we as people should be able to grasp or try to anaylize cause this is a window into who you are and your soul and I don't know if we have the right to talk about it just comment on the beauty and intrigue.
    test
  18. Sole Sovereign

    Sole Sovereign Hungry But Never Starving

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    Length is ok as long as you remain focused on a subject matter. I really feel it was sporadic at points with topics varying from social angst all the way to love. However, I know they can be relative, it's just that at this length I really feel you should have kept it tighter. Keeping the focus a bit tighter would have held your reader a little better. I guess the personification in this piece dealing with your soul was what probably stood out the most to me. I really feel this could have been at least two great poems instead of one good piece. That was a bit of literary advice, now here comes some about conveying your emotions. Keep it simple. I know right, simple emotions?! Just think about it for a minute and you'll see what I am talking about. I really feel it's hard to hold a tone for a piece if you include every emotion under the sun into one piece. All this advice may sound critical and restricting of your art but one thing I have learned is that poetry is a tool best used by one hand, not both.

    Peace
    test
  19. Bhitiah

    Bhitiah Powerful Scriptures

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    May 3, 2004
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    1,173
    I thought I replied to this...

    "I Feel I've spent all the nights in the world ignoring this!" << me too

    "I do not cry for the fact that someone claims you as his
    or that when we talk, we speak, but you converse...
    or when we joke, you laugh with me but howl with him
    or when you cry, you come to my shoulder, but cry to his" <<Damn....


    This was a great peice man...



    "
    test
  20. J o o k

    J o o k Guest

    I Feel like a puff of smoke, in nas's broken sky,
    wind blown over the bullets that killed Biggie.
    A Pager that distracted a Doctor during a transplant.
    The nipple that aroused the flaming knife juggler.
    The slippery when wet sign laying face down
    on both sides.........

    ^ This first stanza has to be one of the illest I've peeped in the forum since I came here. I never knew you wrote poetry duke. But you're pretty real I like the metaphors. Shit hit home it was just an all around great drop. Keep writing, I'll keep reading.
    test
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