Written in Sand

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Diablo, Sep 18, 2004.

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  1. Diablo

    Diablo Master Of Blades

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    I wrote your name into the sand today
    A wave crashed on the sore and took it away
    I try a second time, inscribing letters with all my heart
    Another wave quickly comes to destroy my work of art
    I use a stick the third time, digging deeper in the sand
    This time it takes two waves to make waste of my plans
    For the fourth try I use a rock, making letters wide
    A powerful wave comes and washes your name aside
    I move up sore for the fifth, hoping results will change
    The tide rises; I stare in anger as water fills your name
    I’ve become desperate the sixth, digging with my hand
    This time the wave chuckles as it displaces the sand
    Then I stopped and realized these attempts are not in vane
    The waves showed me a lesson that I thought was only pain
    A lesson that deep inside I knew, even from the start
    When I write your name into the sand, I write it in my heart
    In my heart there are no waves, to wash away your name
    Those inscriptions are permanent, and take away my pain
    I wrote your name into the sand today
    A wave crashed on the sore and I smiled as it took it away


    been a while since i posted anything, but i got kind of bored today
    let me know what you think
    test
  2. Thaumaturge

    Thaumaturge New Member

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    Dam, i was really feeling this, really impressive overall conclusion within the message, u repeated a lot of words in here, but a lot of them i realise were purposely repeated, doesnt really harm the piece, I thought this was great, keep posting
    test
  3. BrokenSoul8604

    BrokenSoul8604 Apparently Emotionless

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    this piece was amazing....i liked the theme and the end killed it...

    "In my heart there are no waves, to wash away your name
    Those inscriptions are permanent, and take away my pain
    I wrote your name into the sand today
    A wave crashed on the sore and I smiled as it took it away"

    God Bless
    test
  4. illpoetical

    illpoetical raising the bar everyday

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    yeah this was a great piece, i could feel the love in it. good imagery as well and the flow and structure were on point. tight piece
    test
  5. RealMS

    RealMS Ne te quaesiveris extra

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    Then I stopped and realized these attempts are not in vane
    The waves showed me a lesson that I thought was only pain

    -I like poems like these, when you think of it metaphorically, and I think what kept this one up is how you didn't slide off track of what it was about. I don't know, but if that was me who kept trying, I might've eventually lost patience lol. Great work from someone I've never read from before.
    -Much Love
    test
  6. MzDee

    MzDee Where Stars Fall.....

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    i absolutely loved this peice very good work i understood the whole thing and as a whole it was wonderful
    much respect
    test
  7. SAMARA

    SAMARA truth is a sword

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    beautiful, it felt spiritual
    this new found ritual
    so simple
    when writing in the sand.
    test
  8. Diablo

    Diablo Master Of Blades

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    test
  9. ChyllTyrant

    ChyllTyrant AmIEternalOrAnEternalist?

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    beautiful. the timing of the numbers was impeccable... the rhymes were simple yet stood out well on their own.

    great work.

    PEACE
    test
  10. *Hott Chocolate*

    *Hott Chocolate* current mood: happy

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    wow...i really liked the flow of this one. i also liked how u told the story. nice imagery- keep it up!
    test
  11. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    Piece read simple, but it had alot of meaning within it. Liked the imagery in this piece also. Uppin for you.

    one luv
    test
  12. Kaybi

    Kaybi Guest

    very good poem i got nothin new to say however peeps held it down with feedback
    one thing tho

    dont change the verb form in which u write the poem,
    test
  13. Diablo

    Diablo Master Of Blades

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    thanks for all the replies...
    test
  14. niniane17

    niniane17 New Member

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    nuthin to say but what's already been said, but nice piece liked the flow.
    test
  15. Diablo

    Diablo Master Of Blades

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    thanks again for all the props...we can let it drop now i suppose, unless you really want to reply ;)
    test
  16. Revo1

    Revo1 Rhythms & Sounds

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    Beautiful. I'm glad I got to read it, because I really felt it. As I read it I got a great visual. Good job of crafting the rhythms in this poem. Peace, homey.

    WUN.
    test
  17. Cockmaster700

    Cockmaster700 Worst Textcee Of All Time

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    I written plans hidden in sands that’s forbidden to man//
    Even in notebooks these quotes hook like fish on bait
    Twist fates like bad luck, glad as fuck cats wish to elevate
    Even if DIABLO tried to turn these pages he could get burned
    In the rages of fire on stages with desire rock crowds and yet concerned
    Art astounds with a sharp sound even with a marked crown
    I couldn’t be king Tutt, bling cut wrong car parked renowned
    It’s a sloppy jalopy groomed but need a tune up I’ve found
    Even with new spark plugs still be a park scrub it seen
    Wheeling this heap feeling mistreat-ed don’t love this scene
    test
  18. 6ftground

    6ftground BLACKACE/GRIMREADER

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    diablo!
    i read this through and i didn't pause, it was clear to me through and through. I like the visions of hands digging, the stick digging, the rock placing.. all good mental images came to me when i read this piece good drop..Peace...
    test
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