written 3/21/11 6:55pm

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by flaco_rivera, Mar 21, 2011.

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  1. flaco_rivera

    flaco_rivera Nicaragua Brown

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2005
    Messages:
    178
    Heart broken
    I’m speaking the unspoken
    Always me not chosen
    Time stood still I’m frozen
    Her smile
    Her curves
    Her swag
    Felt like I was holding a bag
    Full of empty promises
    Tiger blood and Adonis’s
    Crazy like sheen
    Like I dreamt a requiem to a dream
    Too far to be seen
    Never close enough to capture
    Feeling nervous and scared
    Like I was waiting for the rapture
    And now I’m not sure
    What reality to believe
    Never locked up
    But never felt like I was free
    Never felt like I could see
    What was standing right there
    Infront of my face
    Unsure eyes
    Your eyes
    It was you
    test
  2. JonnyEss

    JonnyEss New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2011
    Messages:
    3
    I've always been a firm believer in titles for things that you write, especially things that you have enough pride in to let others read. I feel it helps give your writing more of an identity, but that's just me. I see where you're getting at here, and though I did enjoy the breaks in rhyme sometimes it felt like I could almost predict what the next end word was going to be. I had a hard time following, like how you were describing what you were feeling in one line didn't quite mesh well with how you would describe that same feeling in the next line. Some added focus should assist in giving your piece a more enjoyable flow to it. Thank you for sharing and I do look forward to watching you work more toward the potential possessed.
    test
  3. D. MonEy25

    D. MonEy25 Gifted With The Words

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2000
    Messages:
    19,674
    Dude I've been there
    test
  4. mr.rip

    mr.rip New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 1999
    Messages:
    22,509
    Felt like I was holding a bag
    Full of empty promises
    Tiger blood and Adonis’s
    Crazy like sheen
    Like I dreamt a requiem to a dream
    Too far to be seen
    Never close enough to capture
    Feeling nervous and scared
    Like I was waiting for the rapture

    love this part that was deep.
    test
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