[WK13] CHAMP: 1. nom de plume. 5-2 v. 2. Eye-Rime 4-0 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, May 4, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Nov 24, 2001


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  2. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Nov 24, 2001
  3. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

    Mar 18, 2008
  4. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Nov 24, 2001
    i need one too i suppose,
    i was about to write as we type, but i'd rather go play ball at the gym before i have to go to work, and i could write tonight as well but i'd rather watch the ball game with my wife

    so tis cool with me
  5. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

    Mar 18, 2008
    I’m still choosing my footsteps
    She dances off beat
    To a marching band I can’t hear

    They make lewd jokes, while spilling smoke in the air
    They want her to see they’ve got a chauvinist flair
    But nobody cares
    I can smell home in her hair
    She’s supposing the stares are meant for a wider scene
    But I’m broken and scared
    I can’t even think reliably
    This mosaic’s impaired, with the shabby light of day
    She’s the reason why I write this way
    Biting my frayed nerves, bright but afraid
    God’s a capitalist, siphoning days
    I’m a sight for the brave, mindless and shamed
    Hoping that some day they might see the same

    I bought her dresses on my days off
    I hated to see her in that frayed frock
    I made off with her heart as a trade off
    These long days working never paid off

    We made plans in the dirt, shooting glances awry
    We hated the fact that life was passing us by
    Without even asking the time, as the sun rose, sun fell
    She said our love was like a gun shell
    I feel unwell, I’m gasping for breath
    I see my life line, and it’s starting to stretch
    I’m passing the best days, under the ground
    Surrounded by machinery and thunderous sound
    I’m slumming it now, she sees through mesh vision
    They saw me as a stressed villain
    I’ve been blessed with a survivalist complex
    Shy as a reflex

    We saw each other once a month
    I could always tell something’s up
    I wasn’t dumb enough; she’d lie to my face
    I know she saw me as a dying disgrace

    I concocted hare brained schemes
    Just to see her at night
    But nobody knew that we’d secretly fight
    I was an excuse for her lies
    So she could get out and see films, alone in the dark
    With me pining by the side
    And I’d open my heart, like a mindless little child
    But she liked me, loved me, held me close
    And she’d kick and scream, I felt her choke
    On the words that she didn’t mean, a simpletons queen
    That little seedling of doubt was pinching at me

    This barbed wire fence isn’t suiting my life
    I just want to see my soon to be wife
    These coal mines are breaking my back
    And taking my soul
    But my darling is the one I’m aching to hold
    I see her through the fence daily
    But hold her once a month
    All I want is a hand to touch.​

    [Hand In Hand]
  6. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Nov 24, 2001

    i may need an extra 30 or so, if that's cool with you
    i didn't plan on showing, this league aggravated me this week and i found my time spent more wisely in the gym and with my wife, we just got back from fudruckers and i figured i might as well show since its a champ match and i moderate the league, it would be lame of me not to show

    so yea, im about to start ina minute, may need an extra 30 or so though

    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1095860 [Contender]
  7. Eye-Rime

    Eye-Rime the intellectual.

    Sep 28, 2007
    last minute stuff, this'll be my last week for awhile...

    "Mother’s Day"

    A star is born in a cloud of haze
    My proudest days
    - Though I stare through a crack in the blinds
    Life’s actions defined
    As rain patters the pane where my cheek rests
    My speech sets
    - Bowing down on my knees; such a weak mess
    The sheet’s wet
    Slowly dripping to the floor from the bed
    Ignoring the red
    - The knees of my gown soaked in the soggy terrain
    I thought of the pain
    And measured my life by the weight of my tears
    At the base were my fears
    Timid and frail
    - It seemed as if I wasn’t tipping the scale
    Mouth pitching a yell
    Cold and drab; grabbing the closest glass
    As I stroked a path
    That ran along one of my oldest scabs
    My focus drags
    Eyes weary; heart numb in my chest
    Glum and depressed
    - Still wiping that awful cum off my dress
    The dumbest, I guessed
    Reminiscent of the chum and our sex
    I was scum, I confessed
    Picturing him lick his nasty tongue on my neck
    My mum would suggest
    For me to find a better man in a hurry
    Then can it with Murray
    - But water was thicker than blood when it broke
    Now I’m stuck with a joke
    A man who missed the birth for rummaging coke
    It stung in my throat
    Silently staring through the eyes of my worth
    Disguised in a smirk
    But beauty’s essence wasn’t tied with my hurt
    I despised of the jerk
    While rocking my pain to sleep
    Drained and weak
    - Moving slow; and then suddenly came a beep
    I strained to see
    My lids opening so as to gain a peek
    The stain was deep
    Sheets red; body soaked in the cheap threads
    Feet spread
    - While docs were giving me doses of steep meds
    My meat bled
    - Swiftly removing broken shards from my wrist
    Scarred by the gist
    Happy to leave my own retard in the mix

    Dozing and watching them act crazy
    Before dying,
    - I see Murray rocking our crack baby
    Sober as always,
    Calming the child while my body lay comatose
    Medics said I slit my wrist right after I overdosed

    Because he always thought he could change me
    As the coke claimed my soul...
    I was finally free.

  8. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Jul 14, 2001
    Up over closed threads.
  9. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Jul 14, 2001
    pretty close battle ..

    nom - as usual .. your verse has the eloquence factor that allows a deeper connection to your characters than just reading about what they're doing .. you do have a little knack for setting mindstates without forcing that impression upon the reader .. flow was not the best but I've never seen you as a mechanical writer anyway .. overall it was a fine read ..

    Q - this structure does work .. but I think it also lends itself to ruining a piece with the temptation to overcook multis on those short lines .. you didn't quite do that here but it was borderline tedious at times .. you didn't abuse a child (yay!) although I did think it was heading that way for the first 3rd of the piece .. then it became clear and ended up being a fairly decent read ..

    These are the battles hardest to vote on .. as Q was quite clearly the most mechanical adept .. whereas Alias had the flair and character engagement in a stronger grip .. and with both of you signed out for next week .. it almost feels like a wasted vote of sorts .. but for me ..

    Vote = nom de plume. .. an almost coin flip .. but I just feel the engagement and feeling that I got from his piece outweighed how well I feel Q wrote his piece .. this will be split on voters' tastes .. g'luck to you both ..
  10. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Aug 3, 2005
    Nom - I thought compared to what you've been putting out this verse was sub-par...I felt like some of the language was a stretch and that the flow didn't come off as naturally as you have managed to make it go in the past few weeks...all in all it seems like a very uninspired piece from you this week.

    Q - well this was by far the smoother of the two reads and the easier of the two reads to follow...I feel like this piece even works for me because of the whole idea behind connecting her addiction with post partum depression and it works...though I don't see a mother killing herself in a hospital after having delivered a baby...that's a bit of a stretch, cause you know they'd be monitoring her...but yea...that's about that...it was a cool read for what it was...could have been better though

    I think between the two verses I found Q's more enjoyable so that's how i'ma vote.

    vote = Q.
  11. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Oct 25, 2002
    Nice ima def fan of your 3 line intros you have started using - i believe they are a huge asset to your verse.. I think as the story unfolded you did need more emotion to bring more life to the love/hate relationship for majority.. though the end stanza was done rather smoothly.. with the subtle delivery of your characters solitude which i believe brought the needed sympathy to bring your piece together.. All up not bad dude..

    hey mmm yeh structure is fluent, vocab just minor but enough one syllable rhymers put together turned this verse fast paced.. So I like the story.. your character had a Britney Murphy (girl interrupted) feel to it.. the end def displayed how deep her torment was.. Yeh not too bad here either dude..

    vote = nom de plum

    This is tough decision.. for the more poetic wording - ehh plus i think its harder to capture loneliness through love then it is to deliver straight forward self-loathing..

    nice drop guys
  12. RICO

    RICO my daughter right there

    Feb 28, 2002

    ive read bother verses twice..

    NOm......Alias, first of all the flow here was kinda forced last week your pice was brilliant, and went really smooth and i had no trouble puttting my vote in youir favor...but this week was kinda bland for me. in no way was it not a good write.....just based on enjoyment, it ws more like a "oh okay" that was kool kinda reaction for me.

    Q.......yours time and time again i say your flow is almost perfect....and at some time it is. i love your pieces....its so easy to read and i can easily catch the story. your story wasnt really appoealing to me. but i did enjoy it...i do believe you had a baby recently and i myself am a father of a one yr old....my wife had trouble with post pardum, and i kinda felt apart of the story.....

    Rap-up.....to be honet i felt that noms story was more developed...and flowed on a higher level of detail...if that makes any sense. q has a wonderfull way of makeing things run smooth....hard vote...

    But....Q gets mine....

    like i said to me who's ever story i enjoyed the most gets the vote....thats plain and simple.....
  13. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Oct 16, 2007
    nom de plume.

    the strength of this piece was your poetic descriptions - your knack for portraying emotions in a vivid but at the same time minimalistic fashion. its weakness was that it was a pretty uninteresting and banal conception - this didn't grab me.


    the rhyme scheme was strong, the story wasn't. this was generic but to your credit you made the ending stand out somewhat, connecting it to that pic in a satisfactory manner while still letting the suggestiveness of the picture speak for itself.

    mechanics vs imagery, today imagery won... not by much

    vote: nom de plume.
  14. DaAlmightyDolla

    DaAlmightyDolla Greatness

    Jul 26, 2005
    alias- i can honestly say ur the only writer that uses more emotion than i do in his verses. they r basicly driven just by emotion cuz the other factors arent particulaly done as well. ur flow isnt really the best. ur vocab is on point in this verse though. however i felt it u could have given off the same feel without it. the story itself was ok but i felt 4 the character which is most important. im kinda shocked that u didnt use any of the many hand pics though. maybe thats a good thing. who knows. overall 7.5/10

    q- i was feeling it at the start and middle cuz of course ur flow was uncanny. structure was diff but it took nothing away from the verse. i just had a problem with story and the ending. i dunno wat it is either. i cant put my finger on it. i just felt like u could have killed it with with a better ending thus leaving me feeling cheated and dissapointed.

    v- alias for the after effect of the verse
  15. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Oct 20, 1999
    alias - i wasnt really feeling your verse, it was written pretty good but the style you wrote it in wasnt doing much for me, it seemed your flow was off and your rhyme scheme was too impressive to me, you did manage to convey alot of emotion into your verse and i commend on you that, but i'm the type to be more into visual verses or ones that tell an elaborate story, good drop tho

    q - i thought you were going to take this one easily before reading your verse, but i think alot of things that hindered alias' verse plagued yours as well, your flow seemed off and your rhyme scheme was bland to me, the story you told in general didnt captivate me that much, and its a shame cause reading verses from both of you in previous weeks, i know you both are very talented, but i think you both came up short from normal this week.......

    vote - alias, of the 2 verses, i was more interested in is
  16. Infinite Truth

    Infinite Truth ...scatterboxx rocks.

    Aug 25, 2000
    nom: solid verse. def not as strong as the piece you beat me with, but still a good verse. the flow, while crooked at times, was stronger than q's. q's had a flow that seemed rhythmically awkward. yours, while off at times, was smoother. th rhyme scheme was nice- not much of it seemed forced. the story was just okay, but its emotion was strong. ending was a little weak. & i wanted something more out of your verse, but the emotion & your ability to convey it through unique imagery makes it still a tight verse.

    q: all in all i liked your verse. the flow made sense, but was rhythmically bizarre. i didn't like it. but whatever, flow doesn't really affect my voting. your rhyme scheme was tight. probably a little less so than nom's, due to what seemed to me to be an incredible amount of filler-rhymes. the story was entertaining, & you kept it moving. every so often, you'd bust out some nice imagery, which was a nice perk. the ending was iffy, certainly different than nom's. but, not really anything special in my book.

    overall, two decently solid verses. q edged nom out in some areas, such as entertainment value. but, i was more intrigued by nom's piece, due to its emotion told thru vivid imagery.
    v- nom.
  17. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Jan 20, 2002
    Nom. Your flow was pretty good... The emotion was conveyed well, but the story was just okay to me. I mean the piece was good, but I was a bit uninterested after a while. Still a strong piece, just left me wanting a bit more to think about I guess...

    Q. The flow was slightly awkward for me at first, but I started pickin it up better, and restarted. When I reread it, it was very fluid... Mechanically this was sound, and personally I thought your story was slightly more interesting... I got a bit confused at one point, where I thought u were saying that Murray was the fien, when it was the female in the end. I also thought that your story went with your picture well.

    In the end I was just interested more in Q's story, and I thought his flow was a bit better...

    Vote- Q
  18. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Nov 24, 2001
    Nom wins 6-3 in votes
    Nom fails to post links on time
    Match ends in a tie, 3-3
    Nom signs out
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