[WK13] 11. DaAlmightyDolla 10-7 v. 12. DeadKing 4-1 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, May 4, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

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  2. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    NOTE: NEW VOTING RULES WILL BE ENFORCED!!!
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  3. DaAlmightyDolla

    DaAlmightyDolla Greatness

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    Free Falling
    ....Magic words....



    Look within me and come to the realization of your sensation
    the creation of your elation was due to my wicked temptation
    and thus the combination of two hearts parading in recreation
    I lived life to love, not to love life but to love you
    but lately the later has lost luster and a shade of hue
    if that feeling becomes tainted than lets us start anew
    so I can once again say those magic words of "I love you"
    because I love you, just not the same way I once did
    its not the same love that matured with us ever since we were kids
    you had that love I could gladly say I would die for
    now you just have the love I would just fight for
    and if I lost, you wouldn't be the woman I cried for
    I could claim that I would but why should I lie more...
    ...to myself or more importantly to you
    forget about the rest of the world because in mine its just us 2
    but it seems in yours, its just you
    and it pains me that I cant break through
    since the instant you became distant my depression grew
    my obsession over you has become a whisper in the wind
    an irritation like a blister on my skin,this battle I must win,

    Won't you just let me in

    Into that heart that once gave me shelter
    into your mind that gave challenge to mine
    but now I'm dyslexic unable to read your signs
    so I redesigned the blueprint of our relationship
    and through rough waters I remained on ship
    to claim my chick, to regain my baby
    to take whats mine and hold my lady
    that once drove me crazy but now is making me insane
    your isolation is holding my heart just barely above the flame
    and I know I'm partially the man to blame
    but I cant be the only reason to why your not the same

    Talk to me, tell me whats going on
    if you don't, how will I ever know whats wrong

    ---- silence----

    Maybe its not you but I all along
    maybe I'm just a fool, nothing lasts forever
    maybe I should just quit you and find a new endeavor

    I take that back I'm speaking out of anger
    but I miss our shenanigans and playful banter
    I miss the twinkle in your eye when I'm looking at ya
    but now you look at me in a different way, maybe in a different light
    and I don't think its fair and I don't think its right
    because I was only guilty of loving you
    could you repeat those magic words back to me
    could you just answer and let me be
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    Oh thats right
    *removes duck-tape*
    You may speak
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    [​IMG]
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  4. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    1,517
    One Moment

    let's pretend that this time is a moment to define
    a justice of the system that lets us all decide
    that a life be denied the right to speak his mind
    as his mouth is stitched with wire cause we know he'd probably try
    and he'd lie!
    so we say that he'll take it to the grave
    as we walk him up the stairs n throw him on the stage
    as the blade, sharp as flames is embedded in the frame
    of an old wooden trunk thats engraved with his name
    iron chains of the length of the stage set in place
    as he turns and looks at me
    he's now acknowledging
    that whatever he has done isnt worth apology
    cause its a novelty, as i'm here to watch the show
    when i dont care what he did and i still dont care to know
    as it goes, hes a mute, and those wires make me sick
    its like if you frowned and tucked in your bottom lip
    and sowed it with a stick, as the holes leave giant pricks
    then you found a wire thick enough to make it snug and fit
    thats some ugly shit, cause the mouth tends to swell
    and tear open the stitch thus opening the seal
    it must feel like its torture, his teeth must be rotted
    oozing out his mouth is a form of blood and vomit
    that dribbles down his chin as his eyes hold no tears
    but not b/c he's brave, he's in shock from all the fear
    and its near, his sacrificial lamb career
    they stab him w/ a dagger that pierces through his ear
    and drag him as hes clawing, doing all that he could
    leaving fingernails and blood embedded in the wood
    now he's facing towards the sky with his head on a rest
    thats made of solid oak with his name below the crest
    its addressed to everyone, as the time is getting close
    2 men on the side grab the chain and link ropes
    as they put it on his face, it rests upon his lips
    knowing when they pull it, it will break through all his stitch
    i can barely wait, and its now quiet on the deck
    they pull the chain- it forces- his chin into his neck
    the vomit-blood ejects and spreads across his chest
    bile mixed with acid mixed with blood isnt fresh
    and its funny how it happens, in the blink of an eye
    when my thoughts run rampant, and somebody dies
    but these scenes in my head?.. well... i wish i knew
    something else to think about when i drive my son to his school




    The man who has no imagination has no wings.
    Muhammad Ali​
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  5. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    Up over closed threads.
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  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    DaD - classic newbie mistake here really...thinking that the little bit you put right there twists the piece and flips it into your topic...in reality it's just a poor excuse for a connection to the piece...which would have been better off as a guy screaming at himself in the mirror...would have been a more demented and understandable piece at that rate, but I think you took it way to much in the "Kim" direction and considering how many love pieces and kill your lover pieces I've seen even in recent weeks, this was not anywhere near one of the better of them. The highlight to this piece though were the first couple of bars...they were quick, smooth, and effective...had you carried that tone throughout you would have nailed it.

    DK - you're one fucked up motherfucker aren't you...I found that last bit made me chuckle a bit...what I didn't like about this piece though is how off the flow was...it feels like you had absolutely no rhythm when writing this...as some parts flow and then as soon as I caught the flow you broke it up...that took away from some of the enjoyment, but the imagery was rather vivid and entertaining.

    I think this match isn't seperated by much as DaD had the better flow while DK had slightly better imagery...both verses lacked in a major creative appeal, however I think based off how both of these pieces ended, DaD's disappointed me, whilst DK's made me chuckle.

    vote = DK.
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  7. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    Dolla - this verse started off pretty strongly and I was really dragged into by the nice wording and layout of the 1st few bars .. then it dipped and didn't feel so fluid or well constructed .. some of the rhyming in places dropped to average joe stuff .. but overall I did like this piece .. it was flawed for sure and the pic, although making sense, didn't fit so well with the content at the end .. some of the emotional descriptive work was ok but I never really fully felt the pain and conviction of the guy after the first few lines .. if you could have kept that intro going at the same rate this would have been a pretty sick verse .. as it is .. it's a good one ..

    DK - not a bad read .. it was ruined by the storybook feel to the read (no rhythmic flow to the text) .. ruined maybe a harsh word but for want of a better I shall go with that .. now I did like some of the content .. but I also felt some lines hindered that overall appeal .. the sections ending in rhymes for "ick" were a case in point .. bits felt forced fed in to the section to pack it out and it was very notable .. then the end came .. and I personally felt short changed .. I had to double read that ending just to make sure I read the "cop out" right .. sorry .. but if there was ever a twist that was limp .. it's the "it was all a dream/all my imagination" excuse of a twist ..

    Vote = DaAlmightyDolla .. I give some props to DK as he did paint a picture in my head when describing the nightmarish vision .. but for me .. DaD held his story together stronger than DK in most technical areas .. better flow .. slightly better vocab .. neither excelled in the plot/concept but DaD just edged that score for me too .. I think DK may have made this a tougher choice had his ending been more original or atleast not as horrendously weak as a "vision" scenario ..
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  8. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    DAD - while reading i anticipated my disappointment, but you did well here, a lot of wordy lines and an inconsistent rhythm but more than enough to keep reading and the story itself felt very realistic even with the stretched lines, it just felt as if someone was rambling on and the emotion really came across through that although i doubt it was what you were going for, nevertheless it worked here for me and the ending was very well done, the picture however had no real relevance in my opinion, neither did free falling come to think of it, "one moment" would have probably been the best loose fit although either way it goes it seems as if you didnt actually write to a topic, your only fault and i dont know how i should deduct from my opinion of the verse, but as is this was just the right length and enjoyable, i think you're biggest problem is being bound to text, you are indeed a very creative mind, something more along the lines of theater but not text, every week it seems as if you're trying to break out of the verse and it usually hurts but with less theatrics here and more in relying on your actual words and pull of the imagery... i think it finally worked, good drop

    DK - mixed feelings really, some good and some bad, the overall descriptions and imagery were slow paced and unfitting up until you get to the gruesome and sick part in which was very brief being that you chose to end this in a somewhat comedic routine with a father daydreaming while driving, this hurt the story for me as i felt all of your uninspired and drawn out descriptions had finally added up to something nice and then poof.. it was gone, the flow was smooth and easy to read as was the story but again the descriptions in the first 2/3s of the verse felt uninspired and very bland, much like filler that just dragged on, it was also unfitting to the actual scene of the plot, i was thirsting for more grotesque and dark imagery but you chose to describe the chains and the wood and whatnot, nevertheless it would have worked had you pulled it off in the end which it seemed you were about to do but i hated the ending, i guess i can see its necessity in the sense that without it you wouldnt have been able to relate this to any topics other than "one moment" which is very vague, overall this was decent

    vote - daalmightydolla, because i enjoyed his story and his ending was better
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  9. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    dad:
    Rhyme smooth n flawless for most.. nice imagery and emotion which def drove this piece.. and the end was delicately dropped with a hard hitting effect from your word choice.. nice dude

    dk:
    ok holy shit.. thats crazy, solid descriptive writing with a nice pace n rhythm.. flow not over forced nor stretched - nice.. story wise twisted, complete and the openers a fucken killer.. dope drop dude..

    vote = dead king

    for that gnarly climax
    g/l
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  10. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

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  11. DaAlmightyDolla

    DaAlmightyDolla Greatness

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  12. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
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    DaAlmightyDolla

    don't usually like stories that rely to heavily on a twist ending and safe to say this one of those. this was bland and drawn out with alot of basic rhyming, it didn't really stand out (and like i said you need more than a last-minute climax to convince me it was worth trudging through 40-something lines)

    DeadKing

    some strong descriptions and visuals, but then again writing about gore is a cheap way to achieve that and for me personally it's not all that intriguing... mechanically this was choppy and weird... in a way multis allow for a bigger freedom when rhyming because you can use more slant rhymes

    overall i'm going with DaAlmighty here because it had more redeeming qualities

    vote: DaAlmightyDolla
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  13. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
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    Hmmm... This was close.

    DAD. I liked your verse for the most part. I think the emotion was good... But the flow not so much... I mean it would be good, and emotionally charged... and then the flow would falter, and take me outa the story. Throughout the story I though that it was moving along well, and then it got to the end... U used your pic decently, tho it didn't tie in til the end.

    DK. I think your one of the most overlooked writers in the league... I think a lot of dudes talk about the gore shit, but you do it well. I think the flow was very solid, but had a few hiccups here and there. I think you used your quote pretty decently, and I also think your versed moved along well...

    Vote: DK. Mechanically more sound, and interesting to me.
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  14. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

    Joined:
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    dolla - i highly enjoyed your verse. i am a bit of a sucker to twist endings. and you provided that. after i said you were one of my favourite writers, you didn't dissapoint me. i enjoyed the verse nyour genera scheme. over all it was a nice verse.

    dk - over all it was a nice verse. i didn't connect with it on the same level that i connected with dolla's verse. but it was still a nice verse. with nice descriptions and pulled me in. it just wasn't as engaging to me as dolla's verse.

    vote-dolla
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  15. RICO

    RICO my daughter right there

    Joined:
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    ....Dollaman....wow, i usually exspect alot from you. and this time as i began to read, it was really nice....i was tottally grabbed by it and then half way down i was like ohhh okay....and by the end i was awww....thats it really.? not one of your best but not bad by all means....

    Deadking.....ummmm ya, ive never read anything from you....to be honest i liked your story alot. but it was really hard to follow..almost like it didnt rhyme..iono maybe it was me....it was just hard to enjoy being i had to re-read lines to kinda get the point.....any way....

    Rap-up- both stories had thier weak and strong points....but in all enjoyment i would have to give it to Dad

    VOte- DAD
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  16. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    DaAlmightyDolla wins 5-3
    Both post voting links
    Last two votes DQ'd for being casted after the deadline
    Match ends in a tie
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