[Wk 5] 7. -Sephiroth- 2-2 v. 8. Bodian 1-0 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Got Life?, Mar 10, 2008.

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  1. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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  2. -Sephiroth-

    -Sephiroth- Geostigmatic

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    in, g'l dude.
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  3. Bodian

    Bodian Mahatmaghandi Warholishit

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    ”Kidnapped!”


    When I got back the baby had vanished.
    And a cascade of cold, empty, tears began to flood ..
    As I stared, stoic in silence, at the space where the pram had stood.
    That was it then, it was real.
    And the gleaning guilt continued to fall from my cheeks…
    Before I crashed back into the store -
    With my beating heart pleading for someone to call the police…
    I shrieked and cried,
    Until the police arrived to take me to safety ..
    And remember how hysterical I must have sounded,
    Whilst sobbing “My baby! MY BABY!”
    As I left with the police for the station -
    To confess how I’d been snatched of the infant ..
    It seemed like all the times I’d never cried before,
    Came flooding back in an instant.

    As I replayed the scenario in my mind,
    Knowing my Mother wouldn’t agree.
    But I’d just wanted to pop inside the store to see if I’d enough money for jeans...
    Only the door was too narrow for the buggy,
    So I nipped inside to quickly glance the threads ..
    There was this cool pair I just had to try on –
    But when I saw the price-tag, I said “Thanks, but no thanks,” and left.
    The pram had been right there in front of the store,
    Within seconds it was gone without a trace.
    And this was when the screaming started,
    As those soft transparent tears transcended down my face...
    The police never found a thing,
    And sirens had sweeped the area every night for a week ..
    But the cameras inside the store were only for the inside, not for outside on the street.
    My Mother’s temper flared when she heard the news -
    The intensity of her charring breath was the hardest test I’d harboured yet ..
    Because she’d always said that if my face was my fortune, then I’d starve to death.
    But she didn’t know about this time, did she?
    My mother would fall to bits if she knew ..
    It’s not that I did it to show her, but it was because of her that I did it in truth...


    *****


    She worked for a lady we addressed only as “Ma’am”,
    As her humble housemaid and her cleaner ..
    I’d always helped out at Ma’am’s place, to please my mother,
    And she’d never paid me for the work either.
    It was an evening where I was pretending to be a waitress,
    At Ma’am’s party with one eye on the clock ..
    When this guy entered the kitchen, one of Ma’am’s sort,
    Black hair, a black suit, a bow tie and the lot.
    He enquired what time I finished -
    But for the hubbub I couldn’t comprehend quite what he said ..
    And so he waited for me, patiently, outside the back-door ‘til midnight when I left...
    He walked me as far as the churchyard,
    Then turned to ask if I wanted to change my life ..
    From something so mundane and trite -
    To being financially stabilized, in a home I could say was mine.
    He offered me $500 to meet him there the next day,
    While holding the notes loose in his hands ..
    And so of course, I took the money, and met him the next day too as we planned...


    That’s when he asked me about the baby.
    The question caught me by surprise and I panicked ..
    He toyed that if I could have a baby -
    He’d give me $10,000 in instalments and $20,000 when I’d finally had it...
    ...Then I would hand it over to him,
    There were steps in place to assure that the rest was paid ..
    He told me we’d never see or hear from each other again,
    And that I should pretend to forget his face.
    “Open a bank account,
    Then pay in the $500 I gave you.” he ushered in a dominant tone ..
    “And use this address,
    It’s a PO Box number to avoid any correspondence at home.”
    “But how do I like - you know...“
    I have a tendency to trail off when answers evade me.
    “The father can be whoever you want.
    Just make sure they don’t interfere with our plans for the baby...”
    At that he handed me a mobile phone,
    That my grateful, slender, fingers accept ..
    And “Text me when you’re pregnant.” was the last thing that he said...


    *****


    Getting pregnant was the easy part!
    It was nothing compared to the task I would face ..
    In getting past the dismay, attached to the face of my Mother...
    ...Who wanted the sorry bastard to pay.
    But when I was six months pregnant,
    I visited the cashpoint and merely stood viewing the screen ..
    As $10,500 sat in my account,
    A young woman coughed behind me, waiting to use the machine...
    I could see she was pregnant also,
    She smiled and asked me when the baby was due ..
    “The eighteenth of June,” I beamed, and she said it was the same as her too...
    I kept the baby for three weeks,
    Doing all the changing, feeding, and then ..
    I received a message instructing me on where I was to leave him and when.
    I’d never even thought of a name.
    There seemed no point, I couldn’t exactly call him “mine” ..
    In my heart though I’d nick-named him Teddy, because I cuddled him all the time...
    Then I had to do all that crying for the police –
    Its bleak toll continued as the weeks rolled ..
    And the problem with getting into a real fit for the police,
    Was that I couldn’t stop when I reached home.
    So I decided to move far, far, away from the questioning stares where we lived ..
    And landed me a part-time job working in a crèche, where I could still care for the kids.
    I didn’t see Mom for a long time.
    And a new house is barely “home” when you’re there alone ..
    But for the first time in 9 months –
    I had the chance to wash my own hair and to wear new clothes.
    When one evening after work,
    By chance I gazed at the young woman who advanced my way ..
    And was met with the warm smile of the girl I’d seen outside the bank that day.
    She asked if I wanted to see the baby,
    A question I bet she’d asked a hundred times or more already..
    But looking down into his deep, devouring, eyes –
    All I saw was Teddy.
    His face had opened up a bit, and his hair was darker,
    But he looked so small and sweet ..
    I said “Hello baby,” and he laughed –
    Like he remembered my voice even after all these weeks...
    I asked “Do you need a babysitter?”
    “Sure, if you’re offering!” she simply replied.
    “When do I start!?” I beamed back at her, with a cold, knowing, glint in my eye...




    TOPIC: - You've arrived at a moment of clarity...
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  4. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    extension granted for 24 hours.

    VERSES DUE: Friday @ 11:59 PM EST

    Board Time.
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  5. -Sephiroth-

    -Sephiroth- Geostigmatic

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  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Baron, you're verse is well over 100 Bars which allows Seph to take the win via DQ as he did not allow you to go over, especially by that much.
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  7. -Sephiroth-

    -Sephiroth- Geostigmatic

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    she was the only child, daddy had left and momma died
    just recently, and it easily left her traumatized
    she'd look down and frown remembering horrified...
    the fire spreaded house to house, mother was locked inside
    the top floor, locked door, eventually smog arrived
    tears fall from her eyes watching smoke cover all of the sky
    the type of flames that could swallow a forrest alive
    since then, everyday she stayed with watery eyes
    often would cry, her grandfather often would try
    to cheer her mood with a tune that brought a reply
    of smiles and joy, soothing and calming her mind
    the comfort of music, something she discover'd at 5
    \/

    [​IMG]

    /\
    music became her life since, never would stop and...
    grandpa sanchez played for mexico's top band
    so i guess you can say, she learned from the best
    playing with fire in her soul that burned in her chest
    sweating during her lessons, couldn't give it up
    she would play songs for hours till her fingers numb'd
    it became her love, worst enemy and bestest friend
    as she grew, went to school, and dated many men
    engaged to a man who found her unusual though
    she was cheating on him, for her musical notes
    for nothing can try the only love in her mind,
    searching in songs, like there was something to find
    \/

    [​IMG]

    /\
    a prodigal student in music, her form was flawless
    complimented by the bands she toured across with
    her style was dubbed as 'goddess of the sun'
    when she played, even rain would stop when she was done
    her tune filled with a firey passion unlike any other
    only matched by the pain from the fire that killed her mother
    a natural, growing from the roots in her genes
    and it blossem'd like flowers whenever tuning her strings
    she realized her darkest memory's her greatest gift
    it was always with her, just needed something to awaken it
    her destiny met a contract, all would unfurl
    when she has the means to say her song to the world
    \/

    [​IMG]

    /\
    the gloomy girl was no more, her sadness evolved
    from a mansion and all, with plaques on her wall
    everybody wanted to know her, others would wonder
    the story of a girl coming from nothing to something
    each song she played before, writing her storys
    and now was her time, for her final performance
    time to give her speech, her heart was aching
    she hasen't shed a single tear since she started playing
    coming here from Tijuana, just to express
    overcoming a tragedy when she was young and depressed
    "all my dreams had come true
    theres only one person i'd like to thank...
    if your watching, grandpa, i love you"
    \/

    [​IMG]
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  8. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Seph chose not to take the DQ...let there be votes.
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  9. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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  10. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    well...

    I don't expect this will get many votes because Baron is a pain in the ass...

    but yea...

    Baron - this verse took forever and a day to read...the subject matter was just really dry and slow...the progression just made me wish that you'd get on with it and get on with it...instead it just kept moving at a crawl...the progression was actually enjoyable though so I'll give you that...to me you could have executed this in much less bars and with a tighter flow and it would have been a lot better...there was to much filler.

    Seph - this was yours to win, but you lost it...or well, you didn't really execute...I think you tried to hard to use the pictures so literally, and I also don't like people that feel the need to take pics that weren't provided in the actual topics...in reality...the only pic you needed was the last one...but whatever...I think you sacrificed a lot of content for flow and I think in the entire piece you barely developed the character and really said nothing.

    to me this was a great let down on both ends, but I think Baron had a more clever piece that he definitely put more work into.

    vote = Baron.
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  11. Master Peace

    Master Peace coolest nigga yo mama kno

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    Baron...I like your style of writing, but this piece was really long. It was a nice story but I often found myself stopping at times and then going back into it. The concept wasn't bad and your structure was coo, my patience just lacked wondering when it was going to end. I read for the imagery and and anticipation of the story and your piece just had me on and off...still a nice drop though

    Seph...as simple as this story was I really liked it. Beginning to end it was a good piece. Structure was good and the flow was on, the only thing that bothered me was the fact that it didn't keep me interested all the way. But what made up for it was how smooth it read and flowed I felt overall you had a better piece

    v/Seph
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  12. Bodian

    Bodian Mahatmaghandi Warholishit

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  13. Daht Cahm

    Daht Cahm The Poster Child

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    I found it hard to stay interested in either piece really. Bodian the story itself wasn't bad. But the structure kept throwing me off. And it made me want to stop a few times. It seemed really long and dragging. But I liked the story itself. And I liked the content. So I suppose content out weights context. Seph I think that you did pretty well in the short amount that you used. Again it bored me a little at some parts. But it did come together well. I was skeptical at first since you decided to use more than one topic. But they tied in rather well.

    I suppose it came down to which kept me more entertained, and which one I could see in my head better.

    So Seph gets my vote.
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  14. THAILAN

    THAILAN southernplayalisticmuzik

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    bodian: strong storytelling skills i suppose but definitely not within the margins of this league, the rhyming was few and far between and the length was reasurring of a good verse, i feel as though you somewhat cheated, you basically just posted a short story that happened to rhyme at times, the progression was slow compared to the normal verses posted around these parts but spot on for a short story, the flow again when fitted into the norms of the league were very stretched and slowed the pace of the verse however for a short story they just seemed more like random surprises that added something to the reading, interesting story nonetheless, i did enjoy reading this but all in all for an RSTL verse i felt as though it failed in many areas, a cop out by definition, i would have much rather seen you challenge yourself to tell the same story while still abiding by the line limit and incorporating a consistent rhyme pattern with end rhymes, but you failed here, based on the league's perspective your verse drug along with its stretched flow for a drawn out story, the plot in itself was creative and yet unsatisfying at the same time, more should/could have been said and in less time at that, with this story more should have been unvieled about the baby and why it was taken and things to that nature, i did enjoy the ending and i feel as though if you keep editing same storyline you'll have a solid short story... but never a solid rstl verse, it just failed to connect in that aspect, the emotion lacked due to the more narrative approach, the imagery was there and good but why wouldn't it be given the format, length, and approach to writing you had all the time in the world to describe things and yet it still could have been stronger at times and more impactful as a whole, the flow as said before lacked here and was very stretched, and the overall scheme was drawn out

    sephiroth: the first thing that comes to mind is do you know how to count syllables? i mean i dont necessarily count each syllable in each lines, it more of a subconsious trait that i possess and that i feel others should as well, of course one or two will always slip through the cracks but here i can't see how you missed it, starting off i thought the flow was on point and then it quickly became inconsistent in syllables which really threw it off, also i think you actually did a good job of finding meaningful things to say for each end rhyme in the first stanza and yet you still didn't pull it off because of the syllables, another thing i noticed off top is that your first picture is from a list of upcoming topics which is lame in my mind, nevertheless the overall plot was a good one but this was still a cop out, you relied too heavily on pictures to make up for your lack of words, in reality your verse would have been just as long as bodian's had you not used pictures to tell your story, you really could have done all of this with just one picture and it would have worked fine and in the end the story itself was rather pointless to me and you only wrote it to fit into these pictures which you did well but why i do not know, creatively speaking i dont think you performed well here, your flow was slightly more bearable but i wouldn't go as far as to say better, the story was quicker and fit more into the lines of an rstl verse but i still wouldnt say it was better, the imagery was phony and relied on the strength of the pictures, overall i think it was a good quickie but not a good verse, you could have done so much more and the attempted EMO ending fell short here, a good literal take on the pictures however and i can still say that the read wasn't a waste, i just felt that you could have done so much more

    overall i have to agree that this battle was definately sephiroth's to win, bodian posted a verse that against any other good verse would fail in comparison in most voter's eyes simply because of the one-sided rstl view of most of today's voters, there is a box that your style must fit in and bodian's definately did not fit within those parameters, seph had a chance to capitalize and instead of doing more in less he did less with more pictures which ultimately equals the same length, both approaches i felt were cheap and it is really tough to vote on this battle, bodian i would say is the better writer slightly although even with the format/structure chosen the story still could/should have been condensed to make for a better read, seph opted to post short stanzas with little legitimate content and rely on pictures to tell his story, another EMO piece that somehow fails to produce a high level of pure emotion through words, both would have been better as short stories in my mind, overall the defining factor would have to be the actual story and my enjoyment and i feel as though bodian's took much more creativity and actually was a better and much more fulfilling story than the uncreative literal take on four pictures describing a musical artist who grows to give respect to their grandfather, seph gave little meaning to the fire references and only incorporated them because of the picture, the ending was also influenced by the picture and would have been stronger had he stuck with the original fire theme, with that said i have to give my vote to bodian by a few hairs

    bodian, if you can keep this level of creativity and shorten your rhyming pattern then i think you'll do just fine within this league, as is i dont see you getting many votes because people will not take lightly to your style especially when you post such long verses, you seem to have a decent grasp on all other mechanics

    seph, use your words to tell the story rather than a picture, work on tightening your flow and counting the syllables, step your imagery and descriptions up and be more creative not only in your plot but your approach to that plot and your wording, emotional pieces need pure emotion in order for the reader to truly connect, work on specific areas such as if you opt to produce an emo piece focus on emotion and center your script around that emotion, dont bounce around because of the pictures chosen, here you should have focused on that flame and related it to the death of her parents whether than letting the pictures tell you what to write

    good shit though fellas, a lot of effort was put into these verses and you deserve the recognition
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  15. Dougie G

    Dougie G New Member

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    BORED!!!!!!!!! So i will vote on this battle too.

    Baron: Well I must gfirst admit that I have read many of your verses before, and to me this was not one of your bests, I mean first off to me, as a reader, the rhyme scheme was a little off, and hard to follow, i mean dont get me wrong, you were rhyming, but the weay you did it made it hard to follow, so then I just got tired of the rhyme schemem and I really wanted it just to end, but then the lenght also killed it for me. I mean to me the best part was the ending.

    Sep: Now here was a flow that was easier to follow and I liiked it alot, I mean I felt a story forming here, and I love the ways you connected all the pics.

    Vote: Sep for having a more entertaining verse.
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  16. SpeedyCalhoun

    SpeedyCalhoun Obviously...

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    Bod:
    I fucking loved this verse. I liked the movie plot shit you were on, but I have to say sometimes you lost me (well, maybe that's because I'M slow). But besides the rare mistakes, this shit was solid...

    Roth:
    Hot shit: I love how you said "Fuck it, I'll use all the pictures." Secondly, I liked the whole concept of the verse. It was so cohesive, as if you wrote it before you saw the pics, which is what the piece should sound like. This was like Lupe's "Hip-Hop Saved My Life" with guitar or some shit...

    V=Damn, this was a hard one for me. If I read them in different order, my vote would prolly be different...Bodian
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  17. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Tie

    3-3

    one of seph's votes is dq'd...

    bodian wins 3-2
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