[Wk 5] 5. Kid Phikshen 1-0 v. 6. inkwell (chris) 3-1 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Got Life?, Mar 10, 2008.

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  1. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Aug 3, 2005


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    THAILAN southernplayalisticmuzik

    Aug 7, 2000
  3. inkwell (chris)

    inkwell (chris) Spontaneous Bop Prosody

    Feb 23, 2006
    in outs in outs and more in outs
  4. inkwell (chris)

    inkwell (chris) Spontaneous Bop Prosody

    Feb 23, 2006
    The beginning of the end.
    Im dehydrated with nothing but sand around.
    Dont know what the plan is now.
    Sunburn on my hands and mouth.
    Business suit looks like hand me downs.
    I guess im gonna stand my ground,
    ...dying for the chance to drown.
    Ran out of water two days ago.
    Dont know which way to go.
    No compass or no radio.
    No rain or snow, just wind and a hazy glow.
    Starving, dreaming of canned food.
    Roaming up and down these sand dunes.
    I might as well be lost on the damn moon.
    And now im so exhausted that i cant move.
    How did I get here?
    Came to egypt on a business trip,
    Pack of camle cigarettes.
    I'm our representative,
    What our principle and interest is,
    What do our incentives give?
    Was told all deals are tentative.
    Before the meeting at 8 o'clock,
    I decided to take a walk.
    Mind wrapped up in the way I'd talk,
    Nervous; It was my job to make the call.
    Went over the opening in my head,
    Focusing on this test, hoping to do my best.
    Had a smoke to relieve the stress.
    And now i can't remember how long it was,
    But by the time i turned around and saw the dust,
    A roaring sand storm, amazingly swift,
    Had left my foot steps blown away by the wind.
    Contemplation begins, on the situation im in,
    If i do a 180 and spin, i'll be back to the way I came in.
    But after 6 or 7 dunes seeing nothing but sand,
    I took a long look at this water bottle clutched in my hand.
    My Journey
    The thing about sand you learn at the beach is,
    Normally it feels good but it hurts when its heated.
    I also learned when I need it...
    I dont get any cell phone service in egypt.
    Yesterday i thought i found a watering hole,
    Turned out to be sand, a mirage I suppose.
    Why did this happen to me? God only knows,
    But I am lost with no road, forgot and alone.
    At first I had a pocket of hope, they'd send a search party,
    Disperse armies, turns out that was absurd, sorry.
    Here I lie
    I collapsed at the foot of a dune,
    Looking at doom, right now this desert looks like a tomb.
    Praying to god, wondering what good it would do.
    Wish I had the energy it took me to move.
    You arrive at a moment of clarity... expand.
    That was when it struck me clear as day,
    In the realest way, no longer would I feel the pain.
    God had seperate plans for me, a destined fantasy.
    A martyr to give the rest a chance to see,
    How humans need to cherish their friends and family.
    Regretted ever being uptight or unnice.
    Shed a tear over thug life and gun fights.
    I stared directly at the sun light...
    Wrote with my finger in the sand "Love Life"
    Smiled at the simplicity, a quote I'd say to my friends,
    Survived just long enough to see it blown away by the wind.
    Surrender to the sun

    THAILAN southernplayalisticmuzik

    Aug 7, 2000
    read your p/m so i can post

    THAILAN southernplayalisticmuzik

    Aug 7, 2000

    “The Staring Game”
    By Kid Phikshen


    My hideout...
    Her heart marinated my whole
    With sweet symphonic sounds serenading my soul
    Impeccable beauty
    An aura that dictated the sun
    Elated to come, her every breath inflated my lungs
    My haven to run
    Concealing pride in the heat of her flesh
    Attractions align
    Compassion’s divine with our actions refined
    The happiest find
    My conscience content to sleep with the best
    No reason to test
    …Because I know I love my sweetie to death
    Plus cheating’s inept
    As pure as a spring, the surest of things
    We matured from a fling and into a marriage
    The cure to my sting, but descent was apparent
    My mental’s hysteric, while fingertips clasped my chest
    Strangled by lust
    As the reality of things gasped for breath
    Our past was swept...
    My bare back was being greeted by cold threads
    I’m froze; dead
    Eyes weary glancing up at this code red
    With toes spread
    My spinal chord curves from the fear
    And my body pretends to rest because I’m nervous to peer
    But ever so slightly I raise my lids in awe to determine
    The truth behind the matter and the cause of the vermin
    Stomach nauseous and churning
    Watching it glance back
    I was cautiously turning
    But somehow it knew right off where I’d land at
    This thing…
    Its haunting design was taunting my mind
    Staring into the back of my being
    How it never budged, I thought it had to be demon
    Extracting its semen, the puss...
    Oh, I love my Melina
    But now my precious hideout was like a public arena
    Watching it make love to her cheek, with her stunning physique
    My mind, body and soul grew so suddenly weak
    Its red erection; Oh, how I dread rejection
    If she were to pick it over me, my heart would shred in sections
    So I waited and acted calm, as not to spread detection
    My sweating was brutal
    A silent storm as we played roulette with our pupils
    The setting was futile
    ...I took an L in the staring game,
    While licking the blade of my knife, I would savor the slice
    As she drew from the cigarette, tasting the flavors of life
    Watching the news on the tube; the usual cool
    But I couldn’t shake its stare; it’s an unusual mood
    My movements were smooth
    Grabbing her flowing hair; moving in tune with my tool
    …What’s next?
    A fistful of blonde strands, and plus the hugest of pools
    Red… the deepest of reds
    And I approved of the hues
    Such loud screams
    Then a golden silence, as I behold the finest
    …Melina, my chosen highness
    Her body froze and dying
    And I…
    Lay on the bed
    My excitement was simple
    As I stared indolently at my knife through her pimple
    And though I'm sad
    I felt like wearing a crown
    See, she had to die...
    For that fucking pimple to stop staring me down!

    ...The End...​
  7. Dougie G

    Dougie G New Member

    Nov 13, 2007
    Inkwell: Well ok this was a good verse, it flowed together nicely and rhymed well, had a couple of spots where the flow dropped, and was hard for the reader to follow, but all in all it was a good verse. I think for me, as a reader the length killed it for me, like at one point I was just like "When does it end"

    Kid: Well I liked, the story idea and the ending was a great surprise, throught the whole verse, I never really knew she was gonna die, I liked what you did with the pic, good verse.

    Vote: Kid for having a better overall story.
  8. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Aug 3, 2005
    Ink - lets start with some positives and then we'll get to the negatives...I think this flowed smoother than most of what I've read from you to date and naturally I'm a fan of the short bar structure, it makes the read friendlier. Another thing I think you hit on well, especially towards the end way the imagery and emotion. Now for the bad parts. I think the first 40 some odd bars just dragged brutally, even though they were short and flowed well. It's just that they were about absolutely nothing. You created Egypt into this ultra barren place as if there's no life throughout it, and why did God pick this guy to be a martyr...you can't just say that and give him some deep insight at the end without building a relatable character to the audience from the start. Because of that I think the piece missed the mark, the end definitely saved it but I think you could have developed the character more and avoided the repetition of sand and dunes and the predictable mirages and such. Or you could have done more with the mirages, like say how he ran to the water hole only to come up with hot dry sand in his mouth and hit on the imagery and the emotion of his suffering. There was a lot you could have done here, but you didn't. The other thing is, that the actual topic line, when you threw it in there kind of stuck out like a sore thumb in the verse, the wording just wasn't natural with the progression of the writers voice throughout the entire piece. I hope you can see the constructive crit in this and improve from it. This was a good verse, but it could have been so much more.

    Kid - Same story, postives first...the flow was really smooth and the scheme was very good for the most part although forced at parts...the content was fresh and slightly comedic and it was a pretty creative take on the topic so I'll give you that, but to me...there was a lot of imagery here that didn't work...like "red erection"...how I dread rejection...it almost felt as though the guy raped her and she bled and he did it because he dreaded rejection, but to talk about a pimple in such a way is just awkward and kind of irritating to me...It's almost like you tried to be to clever with it and in that your imagery was very convoluted and confusing thus creating this illusion of a surprising ending...but it doesn't work...this whole character that you develop...the whole obsession, it works on some levels, but when doing things like this you need to be much more precise with your imagery as I think in your case you just kind of threw that out of nowhere...and the fact that he kills the girl..well you know yourself that this can be pretty drab and played...I think it kind of worked this week though...oh and one last thing...parts of this really felt like filler that could have been cut.

    I had issues with both verses and I liked things about both verses, but I think the most consistent difference between the two is the fact that Kid Phikshen had a fresher concept.

    Beyond that these two were pretty much dead locked so with that in mind.

    vote = Kid Phikshen
  9. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Aug 3, 2005
    up over no-shows
  10. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Jul 14, 2001
    decent close battle ..

    Ink - flow and structure was pretty well done .. expect nothing less from you though as all the pieces you've posted so far do not lack on the flow aspect .. the content however does usually raise issues .. and here it was another sore point .. it wasn't that the verse was dull or boring but it wasn't endearing to me as the reader .. it took too long to really get into what was going on and by then I didn't really care too much about the character and his plight .. there just wasn't enough enjoyment to be had in what you wrote .. the latter stages were more interesting and the whole piece was written well with regards to the scheme/vocab etc. .. I just feel the content needed revising ..

    Kid - pretty funny ending even though someone died .. it was a bit 'strange' given the build up showed not real humour on the way to that reasoning .. I have to agree with GL? on the point about your random imagery at times .. but I don't think it 'ruined' it for me .. it was just a bit "huh? whatever (*reads on*)" .. very mild distraction in the read that is forgiveable but something you might want to look at for future verses .. pretty solid overall with a solid flow and a definite grasp of structuring a piece ..

    Vote = Kid Phikshen .. basically .. the negative aspect to Kid's verse in terms of content wasn't as hurtful to a verse as Ink's was .. both were well written in terms of what the voter looks for in respect to "mechanics" .. so the content really comes into play here .. Ink just took too long to do anything interesting and never really got me involved with his piece .. whilst Kid's downfall was putting stuff in that didn't really need to be there or never added anything to the read ..
  11. King Grimet

    King Grimet King Grimet

    Apr 21, 2007
    Vote - Ink..

    Kid - I didn't really every get interested in the story, it seems like it was not a complete storyline really. Towards the end you just got delirious or something and tried to make it funny when the rest of it was nothing comical. I just didn't really enjoy the read too much to be honest.

    Ink - Dope, The flow and structure of the verse was amazing. The story flowed smoothly from point to point. Stayed on topic, stayed with the same tone, same style, & told the story well. The story itself was kinda lame, walkin in the sand and then end up lost lol.. You could be more creative on that note, but I still loved the ability you displayed tellin the story, even tho the plot of the actual story was a bit lame.

    Either way Vote - Ink.
  12. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Aug 3, 2005
  13. Master Peace

    Master Peace coolest nigga yo mama kno

    Sep 21, 2006
    Nice battle gentlemen...

    Ink...the story wasn't bad. neither was your structure but the flow dragged at times and it was spacey...I feel like Life a lil bit. You left some questions unanswered like you lost imagination. an extra 10 bars of explanation would've helped. I stopped reading to re-read and make sure I didn't miss that part but it wasn't there...that's my only problem with it

    Kid...the story read well in my opinion. I really liked you structure and imagery. The humor was alright to me, not really distracting but sumtimes it wasn't necessary. It flowed well and you just overall had a better verse

  14. Stars€reen

    Stars€reen forever

    Jan 30, 2008
    vote KP.. this battle was heated

    first of all chris...your imagry is so vivid at times, it's like im there..that shit is so dope.

    KP blew me away with his flip and humor in this story..but i didn't like the format..seems like i see that alot on here but your story was ill, nice ending

    quoting my vote doesn't justify as breaking down inks verse. this vote does not count.
  15. inkwell (chris)

    inkwell (chris) Spontaneous Bop Prosody

    Feb 23, 2006
    The moment of clarity ... expand was supposed to be in bold italics like all the other headings.. had to type and post this at my gfs on my lunch break thursday due to my internet fagging out wed night and my computers general peice of shitness (often freezes as windows is loading.. sometimes for days so i have to post when i can manage). i based this getting lost while walking over sand dunes on something i seen in a movie years ago which i was unable to google about people getting lost in the desert after only walking over two sand dunes becauase of the extremely high winds erasing their foot prints. i felt the need to incorporate the lines of nothingness as you guys interpreted them to show the characters mind state as he walked over these dunes losing his sense of direction. nice verse kid, good luck in the future. this has been quite stressful for me participating in the league with my shitty computer as it is, I'll do my best to show next week but wont be pulling anymore lunchbreak postings and such. alright peace fellas. (that is not a sign out.)
  16. Bodian

    Bodian Mahatmaghandi Warholishit

    Feb 2, 2008
    To be honest, I got that feel to your verse Ink as I read it with them getting lost in the desert and not knowing which way to turn, them having no direction etc and I liked that whole psychological mentality aspect which I also picked up on in Dougie's piece this week and was impressed with. Its a great tool, really understated actually... That aside I really enjoyed the imagery you used as well this week with the consumate heat and burning sands, its a great visual and leaves the reader almost parched too. Even for a lunchtime effort, this is a really, really solid verse and I dare say against the majority of writers out there, this would even have won. Its that good...
    Kid Phikshen on the other hand took a differing approach, very tactful with the schemes and shorter lines, always on point, good use of imagery and visuals which really help the reader project an image inside their heads of whats happening, well narrated and moved along at pace, and while it would of been easy to go for the cliched ending with a death, you didnt- and I admire that a lot. I hate clear cut quickly wrapped up endings so I actually loved the fact you went for something original and a bit out there! The comedy aspect also was pretty funny with it being a pimple, one of the few actual comedy verses Ive read pulled off well inside the league and I'll make no bones about it, you had a tough opponent this week and still managed to overcome him. This was no mean feat, I'd like to crew with you both if your interested and look forward to the pair of you facing off again. Phenominal battle here, very close, and probably my Match Of The Week of all those Ive read so far. You guys are dope...
  17. .ApoGee.

    .ApoGee. Keep The Peace.

    Nov 6, 2007
    inkwell (chris)- To me, this was a good verse. You had the idea and concept but you didn't really put the nail in the coffin. The flow was coo, very basic and kind of boring to me but nonetheless, it was coo. The creativity was Good, I like the story-line but the support was meh kind of lacked. The Imagery was coo, could've been more indeph more 'omph'into it and there wasn't any emotion while being in the desert but you showed some at the ending about loving life and all that. overall, this was a coo verse I just thought it could've been better, the technique's and all, but good verse though.

    Kid Phikshen-hahahahha, this was kind of funny. The ending took me by surprise. The creativity of the whole concept was good, I loved it. The Imagery was coo could've been better. I felt like you was repeating the same thing over and over again in each stanza. The approach was coo.

    V/Kid. I Felt kid had a better story-line and even though both had problems in 'mechanics', Kid edge it out.
  18. -Sephiroth-

    -Sephiroth- Geostigmatic

    Dec 19, 2007
    inkwell - It was a good verse, a little boring sometimes but i thought it was nice.

    kid - Only part of your verse i wasn't feeling too much was the ending, i enjoy dark humor sometimes but it guess this time not so much.

    kid kept me interested the whole time with his piece, so vote- Kid, good battle.
  19. SpeedyCalhoun

    SpeedyCalhoun Obviously...

    Feb 19, 2005
    I think your verse immediately starts entertaining. It fell off an awful lot tho, in the spots that made me wonder "what the hell is he talking about?!?!?!" and in some spots, the text seemed pointless (or just filler lines as pointed out already...) But in the end, i think you redeemed yourself with the last line. Good use of the "Twist" theory!!!

    I think you have some-what of a model verse. If there was a verse to show newbs in the RSTL, this would easily be that verse. It was a bit average for my taste, especially after the shit Phikshen pulled in his verse. I also think you're flow was choppy in blocks of the verse too...

    v=Kid Phikshen
  20. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Aug 3, 2005
    Kid wins 7-1

    Ink does vote so 7 to -3

    Sephiroth's vote doesn't count.
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