[Wk 5] 15. Pain 2-1 v. 16. Dougie G 2-2 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Got Life?, Mar 10, 2008.

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  1. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    [​IMG]

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  2. Dougie G

    Dougie G New Member

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    Checcin In, Pain I guarantee you will win, just show up
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  3. Dougie G

    Dougie G New Member

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    I loved her so much,, we were a team
    I was her king, it obvious, she was my queen
    her body was a drug and I was a fiend
    and when we made love, felt like a beautiful dream
    Her body on my bed made a beautiful scene
    but everything aint always what it seems
    So as I lay with this beautiful dime named Nicollet
    She was my drug, my love, my nicorette
    We both laid down and enjoyed a cigarette
    [​IMG]
    But then it all changed as we lay there smoking
    Hand on my chest, my dick is what she's stroking
    But then out of nowhere, baby just started choking
    I'm thiking to myself that she must be joking
    I look up to the skies, and I prayed GOD, hoping
    WHY GOD WHY, does my beauty have to die
    she said "I LOVE YOU", with tears in her eyes
    Then I heard a voice, it had me astonded
    "Come out with ya hands up, We have you surrounded
    I jumped out the window, left the body the way they found it

    The Next Day

    I'm sitting outside, dirty, down and confused
    While looking at the ground, I'm startled by two shoes
    "Dont let it get you down man, the bitch had to go"
    "What???, nobody was there, how could you know"
    "Thought u was alone, but yeah I was pretty close"
    "I saw everything, just like watching a video"
    "From smoking, to choking, to fucking a pretty hoe"
    "What's your name???, Captain, Detective, or Bigelow"
    "Calm down, lookin like u just seen a ghost"
    "Well this is your show, I'm just being the host"
    "You were a good cop, down to serve and protect"
    then you broke ya own neck, for a chick you just met"
    You went for one thing, that was just to arrest
    But you chose to have sex, with a dead man's ex
    she stabbed her last man in the back of the neck
    You chose to be next, and that wasnt really the best
    decision you made, u chose to be a criminal's slave
    and now ya must pay, ya gonna be in prison for days
    for smoking coke and old weed,drinking cans of old E
    with a chick who OD'ed, you think you dont know me
    but I'm really ya ghost Pete, and tonight from the grief, your gonna die slowly
    So here’s my warning tomorrow’s ya last day"
    didnt say another word, just turned and walked away
    [​IMG]

    Detective: "Can I help you?"
    Bigelow: "I'd like to see the man in charge."
    Detective: "In here..."
    Bigelow: "I want to report a murder."
    Captain: "Sit down. Where was this murder committed?"
    Bigelow: "San Francisco, tomorrow night."
    Captain: "Who gets murdered?"
    Bigelow: "U!!!."
    test
  4. Dougie G

    Dougie G New Member

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  5. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Sweet Tears: A Moment of Clarity

    Pain asked me to post for him...here is his verse...

    The journey is started at birth,
    Regardless of purse, we all start in the arms of a nurse,
    But the larger the purse, the harder the search,
    Smaller ones leave you profound, or part of the herd,
    Born a Virgo, remained one since,
    Cuz somethin' was deep under the roughness,
    I loved it, hugged this repugnant phase,
    Cuz at the end of the day, when the sun would fade,
    I'd find what's run away,
    In the shadows of past blows slugged my way,
    Like a crutch, it made every fucked up day,
    Supportable, affordable, and somewhat praised,
    On that rug, I'd lay,
    For hours, days, till the night had turned to wond'rous shade,
    Combined with my lungs on blaze,
    Made learning an effort worth serving till my crust decayed...

    ...So here I am, in front of this mirror,
    It's actually paper, but it couldn't be clearer,
    Like lookin' in the back of my mind, n I just wish I was blind,
    I feel so twisted inside,
    Nervous system aside, my nerves have a rickety ride,
    So occasionally they slip up and die,
    N it's a bitch to say bye, so I hold on n don't let go,
    Can't move on till their soul gets shown,
    I hold their hopes in my grasp like a dieing wish,
    To reincarnate that flying bliss,
    That I find within, when I try give,
    My soul to my goal and signs rise from it,
    Like I was meant to be, like I'm part of the whole,
    Like I'm essential to get folks cardiacs shown,
    Yea, that's why these eyes,
    Never leave the horizen, mentality sea-side...

    ...I breathe life, exhale my perception,
    Learned that pain and lessons are usually best friends,
    N end up adjacent, if you see or not,
    You usually won't if you only see what's on top,
    The surface is worthless in most shit,
    It might keep me from sailin' the ocean in yo' ship,
    But, it's no reason to close lips,
    Perhaps that motion will show kids unknown bliss,
    Dreams unmentioned,
    It's not the page, it's what you see when you read the sentance,
    N peep it's essense, breath in the form of some ink,
    Before that it felt like my spinal cord had kink,
    I would accordingly think movement was out of my skill,
    So I was undoubtedly thrilled when I found my sound wasn't still,
    Matter fact, it grew louder until,
    It was my meaning for life, then, hours were killed...

    So invest in my soul, so I ain't never gonna die,
    Instead I'll be on clouds, singing kids a lullabye,
    Teach 'em how to dream and never stop when they do,
    Even when they try to reality shock us with news,
    Always remember, peace is possible too,
    As long as it's somethin' you work non stop to pursue,
    And what you got comin is on it's way too,
    So my only suggestion is be honest and true,
    Be honest to you, or else problems ensue,
    Cuz your soul knows a lie like it was part of it's crew,
    I'm ridin' on the highway, right shoulder, to heaven,
    Hopin' these billboards might show me it's message,
    And if not, shit, I'll follow the signs,
    Maybe ask for directions as I swallow my pride,
    And in time, maybe I'll exceed what's assumed,
    Cuz somethin's only scenic if viewed...
    test
  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    up over no-shows
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  7. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    Dougie - you're certainly making strides forward in your writing .. it's really hard to pull off pieces that are full of dialogue .. you gave it a shot and it wasn't too bad .. the conversation suffers from not really understanding who is saying what with little character development and constant blocks of back and forth script .. now you can do what you did last week and colour code the verse .. but another and more profitable with voters way is to get some imagery and descriptive work in between the speaking .. e.g.- #Ed spoke, "...", he said with a passion / Jack replied "..." in respectful fashion# .. setting the scene and painting the picture using the text .. it was pretty decent with what you did in altering the quote and adjusting the story accordingly .. built up a story that showed effort and the rhyming was of a better standard for sure .. props on the progression .. keep at it ..

    Pain - used the 64 limit effectively .. 4 sets of 16 lines and each stanza was smooth to read .. my personal favourite was the final verse and the use of the metaphorical highway / directions business was pretty sick .. it leaves rose tinted glasses when an ending hits you (the reader) like that cos it's almost like a "this makes up for any shortcomings getting here" .. I mean .. although the flow was solid and the mechanics were all fine .. I found the content a bit hit and miss for me .. dips in interest of what I was reading but it was written with enough deftness to see me through to the other 60-70% of it that I was enjoying reading ..

    Vote = Pain .. a very solid showing from Pain in a match it is possible to slip up against .. Dougie is going to do a Trybz soon and drop a bomb on someone who will have to have a good showing to win .. a banana skin in the league and someone not to sleep on .. however .. Pain took this on experience and stronger grasp of writing rhymes .. both had some good and some not so good content and there's not a great deal splitting the enjoyment of the content .. Pain's was just slightly more interesting but certainly expressed and delivered better .. and that ending was real nice ..
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  8. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Dougie - Ok man, some of this showed a lot of promise, like the first stanza minus the nicorette line, although the repetition of beautiful wasn't great...you painted the scene pretty well...if you developed your vocab more here you could have highlighted the imagery better and really grasp the reader from the start, but yea, not bad way to open up...then I like where the verse was going, until you revert back into primitive shit like "stroking a dick" and "fucking a hoe"...that shit is really not necessary, there's others way to depict shit like that which puts it on a higher level of writing, which I think would engage the reader more rather than be like...blah...as far as the whole "the next day"...i think that's a cop out...I hate when people don't transition with writing, but rather just slap a date and continue...so I'd work on some transitions here...then the ending didn't really grasp me as anything really interesting...seeing your own ghost before you die...why is it the ghost...why not a premonition from the future...or a guardian angel...would have made more sense and possibly worked better...decent way to use the topics...you're definitely improving.

    Pain - I sound repetitive as hell because I already told you what I thought of this, I think the flow and scheme really carried this piece and you did it a lot of justice. A lot of good imagery, clever wording, wordplay, and just a high level of mechanics and good solid writing her. A very reflective piece which definitely works with the given topic. I really don't have many gripes with this piece.

    vote = Pain.
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  9. King Grimet

    King Grimet King Grimet

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    Vote - Pain

    Dougie - I was pretty confused at the story as I was reading it. I understood what was going on but I dont really know what the purpose of it was. Didn't seem like a good plot, not very well thought out, there was nothing to keep me interested. The rhyme scheme was very basic as well. I'm not sure what the deal with this verse was but I'm sure if you spent some more time on your stories plot & built a better foundation you'd have much more sucess. You definitly have to have something creative that will keep the readers attention & have them wanting to read onto the next line & see what happens next..

    Pain - I felt like you had a better concept of the tone & style you were going for with this piece. You get the vote for having the better plot, the better vocabulary & good story setting skills which painted a good visual for the reader. However, I will say this. This story & the type of emotions the character is going through.. its extremely basic... It was deep on an emotional level but its something I feel I've read 10,000 times before.. So try to stay creative.

    Vote - Pain
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  10. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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  11. THAILAN

    THAILAN southernplayalisticmuzik

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    dougie: wow, i am thoroughly impressed by your style of writing here, the skill level was way above your original bar and the entire plot was satisfying and came off somewhat simple yet very intricate, a few big words and a better death away from a got life verse here, the flow for the most part worked for the entire story and the story itself was somewhat interesting, the death scene was lackluster which was the biggest bruise of the verse for me, had that been stronger i feel as though this verse would have done so much more, as is i felt as though the story itself/the actual plot scheme was superb and very interesting, my only gripes are that the love should have been captured better and the death could have been more descriptive but the ending was somewhat strong here and the quote at the end fit perfectly into the script, i'm not so sure if i'm taken back by this verse simply because of skill or the fact that it was written by an author who is believed to have little of it, either way i enjoyed the verse, good drop homie.. your work/consistency is definately beginning to pay off

    pain: i appreciate your form of writing but i feel as though you fell short in several areas here, the main problem i guess would be that i never quite grasped the topic of this verse, i mean i get the just of the verse but what topic does it rely to pertaining to the topics given for the week? i just couldnt draw a correlation here which i feel should really either disqualify this verse or cause major point deductions when voting, besides that i found the flow to be somewhat fluid and led me through the entire piece, i did enjoy reading this piece however i grew very bored with it shortly after the first stanza, the writing was just bland for me and read as such, a lot of short rhyming bars and quick metaphors and references to life but no real focus, another problem i had was with the consistency of the language and maturity, at times it felt deep and personal and then to cater to your rhyming pattern you would throw words like 'yo' and 'peeps' and other slang terms which made for a real inconsistent tone, had you stuck with that language mixture throughout and blended it more evenly maybe it would have been less noticeable, i dont know what it is but something with this verse just did not connect with me, the emotion was there but somewhat hurried by the quick flows and the story as a whole was nonexistant but more less the venting of some troubled soul, i must admit that i enjoyed the read for the most part (at least after the third or fourth when i put all of the pieces together because on first read i literally was bored with it) but i just feel as though you fell short, good drop nonetheless and definately a solid open mic piece

    overall, i really hold mixed emotions towards this match up, i one end i feel as though my good opinions may be cause by pure excitement of reading a worthy post from an unworthy competitor, dougie g has grown to be a symbol of weakness and yet every week i feel as though we cheer him on and root for him much like rooting for an underdog, it was a bit overwhelming here to read such a piece from the league's underdog and i really enjoyed reading his verse, on the other hand there's pain who has been a disappointment to me as of late, i enjoy his writing style but this verse just never grasped my attention, creatively speaking the overall plot was bland and overused minus the few metaphors which slightly stood out, and it read as if he just posted an old open mic as to not no-show, his verse covered none of the given topics and though it portrayed pretty good mechanics i just don't feel that it deserves to win here, good match up and pretty good reads for both but i think i have to give my vote to dougie g

    dougie, i expect you to capitalize next week off the momentum here, stick to the same formula, tightened up the flow and work on your descriptions/imagery, i voted for you because my gut said so but regardless it looks as though you will inevitably recieve an L, but you're getting very close to becoming a solid competitor within this league, again.. just work on tightening your flow and enhancing your descriptions/imagery, the plot itself was interesting, creative, and a good take on the picture so if you can keep those same juices flowing then i think someone will have a tough match next week

    pain, i think you know exactly what you need to do, by no means are you inexperienced and this verse proves that, i honestly just think you posted an old open mic to cut corners here and it didnt really connect to the topics given, as a topical it worked because the focus is not really on creativity and plot however i prefer a good story seeing as how most topicals have been done before either by someone here or some rapper/poet elsewhere, but i'm sure when you find time and inspiration you'll give somebody hell because your writing is already there

    great match up guys, i really enjoyed this one

    wow, sorry for the double post but i was terribly wrong here and i dont feel like editing my vote so i'll explain my new reasoning now

    as noted, pain's verse was good and i apologizing for not finded the topic within the piece, it is quite obvious that he wrote on a moment of clarity and as is his verse was solidly written within that topic, still however it seemed much more like a topical and my suggestion that he chose to post an older piece to easily fit within such a broad topic still holds true

    my vote also still stands although i do feel that pain's writing was more advanced than dougie's, i enjoyed dougie's story more than reading a generic topical

    but i just wanted to note that i do see the reference to the topic and that it does not alter my original vote

    thank you, and good job by both guys
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  12. Bodian

    Bodian Mahatmaghandi Warholishit

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    I dont think anyone expected this to be so goddamn close here! Before I get carried away I want to say, my votes with Pain here, but goddamn what a match up! Sleeper of the week for sure... First and foremost, the daps have to go out to Dougie G here. I mean, the kid is really starting to come into his own throughout the league, he's trying new things like the lengthy dialogue used in this piece which he hadnt really attempted at length before so its great to see him making these strides and developing week upon week. Another thing I enjoyed,that I think few picked up on here actually, was how without the character devolpment in so far as building up their backstory, their emotions, their look etc - With the conversations as it went on you get a great insight into the minds of the characters, what they're thinking etc, and after reading through it a couple of times now theres actually a lot you learn about the characters through what ISNT said here, almost leaving you to wander what is happening outside of whats portrayed in each scene. Whats going on behind the scenes, and the whole thing has a sort of psychological aspect to it that is pretty understated, but is actually well worked... Im not sure if that was entirely intentional, but Id like to think so because that added a whole other layer on to what was an impressive verse and by far one of the Dougsters more well-rounded and polished verses to date beyond question. Pain on the other hand took a quite all together different approach, and Im glad he got a verse in on time here because ive long said he was one of my favourite writers so far as flow, ever since his Ninja Kid days here. Lol. The guy has this natural knack for pulling off pieces that read almost effortlessly, and I liked also how he divided the 64 up into smaller 16s. Thats always how I imagine this guy writes naturally due to his audio background and I write much in the same way to be honest with the sixteen line stanzas... His verse this week was chocked full of great imagery and while he doesnt go for that traditional storytelling, what he delivers is a real blast from the part RSTL where people werent so reliant on the actual story. Its refreshing to read and I actually wish there were still more around who would take it upon them to do similar. His styles evolved a lot from when I first started reading his pieces, theres this melancholy old-skool vibe to him that I think just carries his pieces above the usual standard. He met a difficult opponent in Dougie this week no doubt, and though I speak for myself, I'll even go out on a limb and say he'll be quite relieved this one isnt a LOT closer in votes because its certainly not as clear-cut as the votes suggest it to be and Dougie is looking all the more fierce as the weeks continue...
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  13. Master Peace

    Master Peace coolest nigga yo mama kno

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    Dougie...This was not a bad piece. it just got confusing for me. I had to re-read it a couple times but I understand it better now...well at least enough for me anyway but...what lacked was vocabulary. You gave me the picture tho but a better wordbank might of helped you out more in this piece. Structure was good and it flowed well. but it was just simple compared to your opponent

    Pain...Your imagery and strucutre was on pint. I really enjoyed this piece and I thought it read very well. I thought that I would get tired of reading it but I didn't. The story kept me interested. You had a better piece overall

    v/Pain
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  14. Daht Cahm

    Daht Cahm The Poster Child

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    Dougie my first thoughts about your piece were that the rhyme scheme and the vocabulary were basic. Now, you don’t have to use big words and internal rhymes to make a good piece. But you have to pump some imagery into it. You have to paint the picture. You have to SHOW us what’s going on, not just TELL us. It was a step up from last week. But you should stray from the dialogue a little bit. Don’t cut it completely out. But use more.

    Pain your verse was also pretty basic. I liked the paper/mirror bar, which was nice. It stands out. I also enjoyed the metaphors in the last stanza. Such as the highway/heaven line. But your message wasn’t too clear to me throughout. It seemed like it was just deep thought put on paper. And the message didn’t fully come out until the last stanza. This isn’t a “bad” thing. But I couldn’t follow as easy as I would have liked to.

    My two cents- both of you should listen to some story rhymes, like Eyedea, Atmosphere, Brother Ali, etc. (There are LOTS more obviously) and just get an idea how to paint that picture that you see. Because I know when you’re writing you can follow along and we can too. But you have got to make us see what you see.

    Vote- Pain
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  15. .ApoGee.

    .ApoGee. Keep The Peace.

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    At first when I read dougie verse, I got confuse like wtf are you atalking about, what's the whole purpose of the verse and the concept. I kind of got bored with it, then I read it the second time and I got it. This was coo, very fresh. The dialogue was kind of new to me, even though you didn't really dominate but I believe in matter of few weeks ahead if you keep doing this, you'll get better at it and it'll be a force. All in all this was a good verse from you. Pain verse was very interesting to me, I like the approach he took toward the topic and it was original. The best thing about his whole verse was the imagery and concept. I'm going to vote pain cause he had a better story-line and it was more enjoyable than Dougie verse but If pain vs dougie go at it again, I surely hope that dougie will bring some fire..
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  16. -Sephiroth-

    -Sephiroth- Geostigmatic

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    Dougie - I enjoyed the read all the way. I kinda felt you left some things un-answerd in the story, but thats not really a bad thing sometimes when it comes to storytelling.

    Pain - Good flow, sometimes a bit choppy, but still it was nice and you also had better overall mechanics and imagery then Dougie, but like Dougie's piece it wasn't really that clear to me.

    This was a lot closer then i thought it would be, i liked Pain's style of writing more then Dougie's but this was kinda hard to judge. As a reader, i liked the mystery that was in Dougie's piece, if he had a little bit better mechanics and bit more detail i think he could have taken this. Pain barely gets my vote here though, just barely. Dougie, keep it up though, you can definitly be much better and i'll be looking foward to what you drop in the weeks to come.
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  17. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Pain wins 8-1

    Does vote so he wins 4-1
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