[Wk 4] Contender 5. Got Life? 12-4 v. Contender 6. Dougie G 2-1 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Mar 3, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

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  2. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    test
  3. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    test
  4. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    The Saga of Got Life?



    It was perfect, enraptured by music, out with my girl,
    Letting our love unfurl, captivated, watching her twirl,
    The food was exquisite, a palate full of sensory bliss,
    And oh she’d exhibit, a pout unique of any other miss,
    Indeed I still reminisce upon that deep lingering kiss,
    Her eyes are my abyss, as her seductive tongue’s hiss,
    Lures me to intertwine my love and spirit to enshrine,
    My goddess divine, molding with her a new design,
    Of a loving abode, upon a much less traveled road,
    Where we bestowed a passion that could never erode,
    Yet that’s when the river flowed.

    Our rendezvous was interrupted, by a kid corrupted,
    From ages of rolling face, but here’s when I erupted,
    Not only did he cause a scene, but he grabbed at her,
    Grabbing my queen?
    He really should have foreseen the ravenous ravine,
    That flowed from this teen as I shattered his spleen,
    In that blink of an eye, I went from lover to fighter,
    From fighter to monster, my choking grew tighter,
    He dangled there limp, from the palm of my hand,
    His eyes pleading as my furious fists started to land,
    But the finale wasn’t so grand.

    Police came upon the scene, my eyes, once green,
    Now relive what should have been left unforeseen,
    They start asking me my name, I say it’s Eugene,
    Guiding me, telling me to wash my hands clean,
    I shake, the adrenaline now feels bitter and drab,
    I say to myself, “It was only a jab.”

    I’ve had to much caffeine, and I’m only sixteen,
    Behind this two way screen the cops reconvene,
    Discussing the case, the remorse upon my face,
    I’m a disgrace, my dad said so, why did I chase…
    The devil on my shoulder as he tempted me so,
    Now I’m trapped in a cell with nowhere to go,
    Samantha’s on the outside, she’s still their prey,
    I can’t save her because I’m a walking cliché,
    A youth from the hood, locked away in a cell,
    Seemingly, never leaving this hell.

    Then one day it finally came to a climatic end,
    The police eventually grew to comprehend,
    That it was all in self defense, excessive yes…
    But none the less, I was now rid of the stress.

    When I came back, she didn’t have any love,
    Since I almost killed a man over a little shove,
    As for me, I blamed it on three months apart,
    But for her those 3 minutes from my heart,
    Where she saw fire engulf my emerald eyes,
    Told her loving me, would only lead to cries,
    Aborting our baby, removing me with a maybe,
    Sifting back into drugs, going real crazy,
    A life altered over 3 fickle glimmers of time,
    Gone with the wind, lost in the chime.

    See this is the story that molded my being,
    That keeps me from this dream world seeing,
    What each pull of this cigarette has in store,
    Outside, where we've live through a war,
    But this is what I use to sit back and rewind,
    When writers block has me trapped in a bind,
    I think back to my real life, my real emotions,
    Then my pen hits the page and goes through the motions.

    [​IMG]
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  5. Dougie G

    Dougie G New Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    309
    girlfriend
    boyfriend



    As I step up to the plate, ready to face fate
    I decide to tell my baby I infected her with aids
    How's she gone react, I know she's gonna hate me
    I called her on the phone, SAY IT FACE TO FACE, PLZ
    "Hey baby how you doin.","my life is fucking ruined"
    "What???, baby tell me what is this all about"
    I couldnt find the words that should come out my mouth
    So I just stood there silently, walking around the house
    HELLO!!!, Baby, Baby, what is wrong are you there"
    Yeah, I'm okay, running hands through my hair
    Damn I hate you, you had me so scared"
    And I made up a lie that was poorly prepared
    I went to the army, they did not accept me
    My pee was too dirty they had to reject me
    "Your pee was dirty, but baby I thought you quit smoking
    I did baby ,calm down, I was just joking
    baby, stop playing, did u make it or not
    I took a deep breath, almost died on the spot
    "baby sit down, cause ur in for a shock"
    She screamed OH MY GOD, as she heard the gun drop
    Yeah I had a gun, I left that part out
    baby plz, tell me what is this all about
    'Well I promise u babe, you will be upset""
    This is the part that I'lll always regret""
    I passed everything, but I failed the blood test"
    I looked at the phone, "Do you know what that means"
    It means that I'm dying and my body's unclean
    She said "Ok", and didnt reply
    I said "Dont you know that means I will die"
    "I think we should break up, I fuck other guys"
    "Well if I got Aids, then you got it to""
    So baby my lady what will we do""
    We, no more, We, you just talking bout u"
    "Well go take a test, you will find out its true""
    Baby, I'm sorry, I did you so wrong"
    but all I could hear was her dropping the phone



    TO BE CONTINUED
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  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    up over no-shows
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  7. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    this is oddly closer than I really thought it would be .. I won't hold you in suspense and say that my vote goes the way I 'knew' it would .. but ..

    GL? - ok .. so you mechanically delivered here .. the kinda thing IV was saying he'd do vs me and to expose the opponents weakness (which I'd like to see how he thinks a story about you and Jook accomplished that) .. this was just a clear step up above what Dougie G is capable of right now .. however .. with the fancy tricks I did feel I wasn't really being entertained by the content .. more so the good use of vocab and structure carrying it along ..

    Dougie - I actually laughed out loud reading this verse .. as with every week your verses are improving .. but it's still too basic with regards to how you structure your verse as a rhyming piece .. you are certainly progressing though .. the story was pretty good and entertaining given how short it was .. but it was like skimming a plot line .. you described a situation rather than showed us .. I don't think you needed to put "TBC" at the end either .. as that was a good place to leave the story anyways ..

    Vote = Got Life? .. he outclassed Dougie with regards to everything .. but .. I did find I warmed to Dougie's piece in terms of entertainment .. it was just too flawed to warrant a vote here .. even as a token gesture for making me smile ..
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  8. Craccer_Jacc

    Craccer_Jacc SudAnillyst

    Joined:
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    wow this was a close ass battle ... respect



    GL your verse was pretty solid a couple parts in it were a lil predictable but it was very consistant in the plot and in the carrying of the reader.. good shit



    DG yours was good too had a good story needed a lil more detail in it something to draw me in more ... description u know.. but very entertaining



    my vote goes to GL for being more complete with it


    like i said a very close battle of stories it all came down to description and imagry.. big ups to both
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  9. Dougie G

    Dougie G New Member

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    test
  10. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    hmmmm....

    Got Life... u pulled out the vocab in this piece, but your verse wasn't highly entertaining...
    but u used a little bit of flow, and u worked the piece from beginning to end... i think it could have been better, especially if it is coming from your life, but i think the true answer lies at the end of your verse, and that is u were suffering from writers block this week..., i don't know if it's because of the opponent or something going on in your life, but you just pretty much pushed this verse to the ending with good writing techniques... no real multi's or anything...

    Dougie G... i want to know who u were originally and then maybe i could help your style... your verse was coo, however due to the fact u opened it with what you were going to tell her, it made the read duller than what it could have been... here is a writing exercise for u to do next time u have time... rewrite this verse, but don't give away your ending, telling her you have aids and leaving, till the END of your verse... your style is very simplistic, so for u to have a chance to be succesful u have to hide things a little bit better than hit the reader with it, cuz then i would have enjoyed the read alot more... so go and rewrite this verse, using the tactic i told u, and post it in the open mic... and then ... look at the response u get... just trying to help u out cuzzo

    vote got life... because dougie telling me what he was going to tell his girl in the beginning made me want to hurry up and get to the LAST EIGHT Lines of his verse, because that was the only thing new... got life had the vocab, the better put together piece... but it is clear u are suffering from writers block... fix it soon... u may have to face me in a couple of weeks... and i think i have shaken off the rust... :)
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  11. -Sephiroth-

    -Sephiroth- Geostigmatic

    Joined:
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    Got Life? - Good mechanics, flow was nice and simple and everything was overall pretty decent. I'm not sure if i seen many story's that were actually based on the writers life in the RSTL, it was definitly a good read.

    Dougie G - Your piece was entertaining lol. I thought it was cool for what it was, i also enjoyed reading your verse. The entertainment value of your story is what makes this battle a little close, but Got Life's structure, flow, vocab and overall mechanic's was smoother.

    vote - Got Life ?
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  12. Bodian

    Bodian Mahatmaghandi Warholishit

    Joined:
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    This one to me was almost a battle of two fairly similar styles, but of two entirely differently approaches and thats what decided the outcome here... Got Life? had by far the smoother read of the two here because of his placement of the rhymes at the right time, which probably comes from his audio ability to be honest but it translates well to text in giving it a rhythmic feel when read and the shorter lines come off really well when read aloud. I thought that Dougie the beast had an hilarious verse from the get-go, right from the 'should I tell her I gave her AIDS', and for that reason I felt he had probably the more entertaining content, and a pretty solid piece considering his work towards the end of last season. The guy is fast improving, and I for one am glad the double-spacing is a thing of the past, but Im afraid i have to go with the majority this week and hand the win to GL. He just ticked the more boxes with what to me makes a good verse overall, and his experience in this league gave him what he needed to win. I cant say I was really shocked at the outcome, but I was pleasantly surprised to see Dougie make a match out of this...


    Vote - Got Life?
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  13. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
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    hmmm... i didn't like the start of GL's verse... it wasn't bringing me into the piece.. i think after the initial description of the misses, it really picked up tho... The vocab seemed much more fitting and appropriate at that point... I liked the description of the ups and downs, and how you placed blame on u being gone although you know in your heart it was the way you acted that caused the rift in the relationship... Everyone seems to have an extremely high expectation from each of your verses, and they critique you on another scale as opposed to it being just against your opponent, IMO. I feel you did a good job, especially since imo it was a realistic story and goes with the picture in regards to you writing/ or your writer's block.

    Dougie... lol at this whole verse... it was funny, and the topic wasn't bad, I just felt it was a little bit basic (which isn't necessarilly a bad thing in all cases). I liked the dialogue between the girl and the guy, and although somewhat choppy, it was pretty natural. I think in this battle u would've had to come with a more thought out story as a whole, or a ridiculous ending sequence... In the end, you COULD have won, but you would've had to (IMO) do a lot more than what you did.

    Vote Got Life
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  14. inkwell (chris)

    inkwell (chris) Spontaneous Bop Prosody

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    gl - again your topid had little relevance to your story. but aside from that this was a good story. risking your life out of your love for your gf, only to find out that she is going to break up with you over it... thats rough. and if somthing like that really happened to you i feel for you. so the story was solid and well told, and the writers voice was strong, you have your rep in the league because you may actually be one of the writers/story tellers the league has. never many flaws with your actual story. now the critique, what some people are citing as your good vocab, is actually a sign of poor vocab in my eyes. i think you just use words that other people choose not to like rhyming girl with unfurl and twirl. and enshrine. should have been left unforseen. the reason people choose not to use these words is because they are unnatural. they arent used in every day conversation, or even modern art. they are out dated and stick out. and most of your rhymes are still single syllable. so my critique, and advice to you, is to increase the difficulty of your rhymes, are try to stay away from outdated/unnatural words. (note: you do exhibit some strong vocabulary in your peices, but they are usually in the middle of your bars).

    well that was quite lengthy.

    dougie - pretty entertaining verse here. i liked how you tried to tell her but kept making up random lies at last moment, and how she just didnt care was unexpected in a good way, not the expected boring response of crying bla bla bla. but gl did win. btw i do apologize for the way i acted in the rankings post. i was out of line. your not a bad writer stay up.

    vote - gl
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  15. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Got Life? wins 7 - 0
    Both post voting links
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