[Wk 4] Contender 3. Pain 2-0 v. Contender 4. MetaSin 1-0 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Mar 3, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

    ----- The RSTL Official Rules & Regulations -----

    "GENERAL RULES"

    VERSUS DUE: Every Thursday @ 11:59 PM EST
    LINE LIMIT: 16 ≤ YOUR VERSE ≤ 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
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    • CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    • Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics
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    • If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 4 lines (4-15) AND 2 voting links in order to claim victory
    • A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
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  2. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2002
    Messages:
    2,082
    [​IMG]

    "Doc, I can't take it anymore..."
    "Lieutenant Murphy, take a deep breath and just tell me what's wrong...."

    "Well....

    Every step I take is more difficult than the previous...
    & though my bodies defined... my physical is just meaningless.
    I keep it movin, in this world with people shootin,
    hoping that if I have sons, they never see recruitment.
    They send soldiers to fight, some die, voiding their rights,
    and some go back home,one step at a time, avoiding their life...
    or what's left of it... they hope for the things they could never get
    they try to rest peacefully, because of the fact that they never slept...
    See. we never sleep, cuz we know that the explosion starters...
    are strapped with bombs, & in the city they're known as martyrs.
    suicide is a sin... but the belief in the risk
    of Jihad, kills us, and turns these firm believers to mist...
    'BOOM'... when the dust settles, if your breathe n you sniff
    you'll never forget that sweet stench, all u need is a whiff.
    add gun fire mixed with the heat, and you flip...
    when ya bunkmate is knocked off his feet when he's hit..
    and he's gone.. we move on, through the sand we defend...
    but he'll get a soldiers funeral, we'll be back in the end...
    it's not our fight, but its our war... motive or not...
    we fight for our country, n the right to get sent home in a box.
    when you were serving your country, Doc, how did you feel?"
    "Well, John..."
    "You can't answer that cuz you weren't out in the field.
    and neither is Bush, so i won't do it no more...
    cuz we could never win anything worth what he made me lose in this war."

    "We all get homesick, John... But until it's your time, you gotta return to active duty."

    2 years later

    "Doc, My names John Murphy, and I'm losin my wits...
    the shrink on base said I would get use to this shit.
    They pills they gave me, help me stay high...
    and everyone calls me a hero since I've been stateside...
    but i can't get used to bein here, tho they say try...
    I do, and everywhere it feels like I may die...
    my family says that I'm different, n I stay away from work
    i need the government's assistance, but they're doin paper work..."

    "Well if you ask me John, you're talking too fast and you're sweatin"

    "Shutup Doc... I didn't ask you a question...
    I wanted to serve my country, have you ever handled a weapon?

    "It was a learning experience, John....
    "I didn't ask for a lesson.
    you don't know how I feel, it's not an annoyance or stress
    and the voice in my head doesn't fill the void in my chest.
    for every baby's first breath, it could be the last of another
    if u think parents want their kids to fight, start askin my mother...
    now I tragically suffer, in front of the world...
    but nobody knows, and almost nobody cares
    I wanted a son, now all I want is a girl
    but that's a dream for myself, that noone can share...
    cuz I'll prolly never have a family, prolly never have a wife
    I should've died in combat, I'll prolly never have a life
    cuz over there... children called me a demon of hate
    and by their standards I have the evilest fate...
    now everyday I wake up like my freedom's at stake
    from a dream in which I've just turned people to steak...
    man, woman, or child, I could hold no prejudice...
    to stop moments endin with my own dismemberment
    I hear shrieks in the night.... cries, as people plead for their life
    and almost bein pleased by the fright, crying in bestial delight
    then bein ashamed, and lonely, feelin insane
    walkin the streets, to escape nightmares; feeling deranged.
    i've got fire in my eyes, and steel in in my vains...
    so I guess, being fucked up, and being a hero's the same.
    i'm walkin a thin line, every trip and stumble aside...
    the people i fought for, don't notice and I'm right in front of their eyes..."

    John needed help... but noone ever did try...
    the end of his talk with the shrink marked the end of his life...
    he'll be remembered as a hero; people at his burial cried...
    saying "If only we knew... he looked happy... Just a regular guy."
    test
  3. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2005
    Messages:
    10,367
    Can I get an extension til tomorrow afternoon?

    i don't care about votes, but can someone just show me where my flow is stretched, or is 'horrid'? Just for the sake of me understanding that criticism, cuz regardless of line length, I'm reading it now and it seems fine.

    no beef, I just don't see it.

    btw Pain... good shit.


    and please don't say I'm swaying, i just want to understand better... cuz if I don't see it, I can't fix it.

    ^Not to be an asshole, but...

    I hear shrieks in the night.... cries, as people plead for their life
    and almost bein pleased by the fright, crying in bestial delight

    Right there is one of the more stretched lines in your verse. Like, if you were spit that on top of a beat, you woulda hafta spit MAD fast to make it fit the measures.

    Dope verse though, and once again I appreciate the extension, good luck for the rest of the battle bro...

    or what's left of it... they hope for the things they could never get
    they try to rest peacefully, because of the fact that they never slept...

    ^another one

    all in all some of the lines were just too wordy with too many syllables, it always sounds right in your head when you read it because you know the rhythm to the words that you have composed but other readers do not and therefore it helps if you read it aloud and sometimes you can catch the lines that throw the rhythm off, or have someone else read it aloud like a girlfriend or anyone and they'll most certainly catch your mistakes, but there were definately some lines that were stretched and the flow was definately inconsistent

    this is Q, btw, i didnt want to clog the thread

    even something as simple as:

    Or what's left of it, they hope for what they'll never get
    Trying to rest, because of the fact that they never slept

    would have sufficed


    another thing you can keep an eye out for is a balance of syllables per your bars... < got life?

    lol... I guess I can take the criticism for what it is...
    'preciate it.

    lol .. I don't have the power to edit Pain's post .. but yeah .. what they all said ..
    test
  4. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    2,082
    thas cool wit me...
    test
  5. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2005
    Messages:
    10,367
    Thanks son, I appreciate it...




    [​IMG]

    I get lost in my visions,
    Wisdom is a sickness I've been stricken with,
    I'm sick of it, I'm caught in a prison,
    I feel like I've never felt so alone,
    Cold, my bones shiver, limbs froze, I grow,
    I feel like I see from a different perspective,
    Like I added a new brick in my dimension,
    Sittin', collectin' my thoughts, I get ahead of 'em, lost,
    In a world where attention is sought,
    So I see the vibrance that tries to show,
    Even though the average Joe's eyes are closed,
    I find the glow in myself, I try to gloat like it swells,
    Feel the potions, magic oceans that flow from my hell,
    Eyes open, everything falls so flat,
    Hollow traps laid, stay on the mats,
    But I've avoided the poision for oh so long,
    By being myself, and singing solo songs,

    [​IMG]

    I try not to feel so full of myself,
    Like I'm really not an angel and this couldn't be hell,
    But sometimes, I feel like I'm so the shit,
    Golden wrist froze, I get dolo quick,
    But everytime I feel like this, I kneel right quick,
    Knowin' no man can wield lightenin',
    But the feelin' is overwhelming, I conceal it but know it's swelling,
    Cuz everytime I deal with the ceiling seems closer,
    Help me,
    I feel like I'm losin' perspective, I get sick,
    When I think I'm what best is, the rest is
    nested and can't even see,
    All the lands and the seas that lie past their family tree,
    I'm still standin', but the mirror floods my brain,
    Narcissistic contempations and another praise,
    It doesn't get much better than me,
    Somethin' heaven concieved when it mentioned the what was best for the breed,

    [​IMG]
    Now the world truly lies flat,
    Pearls of beauty died fast, while the movies type cast,
    I sigh, laugh, cry, gasp, try to deny that,
    Everything that isn't me just couldn't have shined past,
    The image in the mirror and the literal shine,
    That was once so vivid, so cryptic, so fine,
    But now that I've found that nothing compares,
    I'm embraced by a feeling of somewhat despair,
    The world was so nice, but then I looked at me,
    Then the world died and I then took that grief,
    If I had one wish I would travel back,
    And bring back modesty in saddle bags...​
    test
  6. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    hmm .. not as good as I thought this would be .. but as close as I thought it'd be ..

    Meta - this was a struggle to read to be honest with you .. after last weeks verse I was looking for consistency if not progression but this was a step back .. the flow was pretty horrid with a very varied length line that had too many stretched ones .. the content was straight and it kept me reading but it was presented pretty poorly ..

    Pain - I didn't get this when I first read it .. so read again and it started making more sense .. I read it first looking for the 'plot' and that's what threw me .. this is an open mic style piece .. an ego trip that was mechanically sound .. flowed better and read smoother than Meta's verse .. the images you selected didn't really compliment the stanzas in my opinion .. but I did enjoy the content (after I worked out there was no storyline or character development) ..

    Vote = Pain .. a difficult battle to vote on .. Meta's verse was a let down for me with stretched lines and not very engaging content .. whereas Pain had solid writing but more suited to the open mic forum without the images .. but it entertained me most .. I felt it was more cohesive and well written ..
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  7. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Meta - I think the content is quite the opposite to what Lok found, I thought it started off rather slow, but as he's there talking about the demons that haunt him at night, the nightmares where he sees the people he's killed, and how he feels he's outcast from this society towards the ending from where based on what you have the "people" say, it seems as though he killed himself after that, it works for me. I think the dialogue didn't add much to the story other than make it easier for you to deliver the piece, which goes against the strenght of your writers voice and the stretched bars took away from the flow, but other then that, definitely a good piece here.

    Pain - I think this verse was definitely well portrayed, although I think in honesty you only needed the picture of the man sitting in the drawn room to depict the imagery here, but regardless, the flow was great and moved the piece forward almost effortlessly...and I think your writers voice really shined through this piece in the way that you delivered it while at the same time definitely having a message and an agenda, you did it in a way that wasn't preachy and off putting and in doing so you demonstrated how topicals can definitely still be very relevant in this league.

    Vote = Pain, for a stronger flow and due to personal preference...at the same time I think both writers did a great job.
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  8. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    the next post in here better be a vote or voting links...or i'ma start docking people votes.

    (lol, that's that big head im talking about...)
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  9. Craccer_Jacc

    Craccer_Jacc SudAnillyst

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2003
    Messages:
    252
    yo respect to both cats u both had mad imagry..



    meta i liked your depiction of a soldier commen bacc from the war .. like maybe 1 line was stretched but hey i like stretched lines i'm an aesop head..



    i'm kinda new to this voten thing bare with me



    pain your flow was dope i really enjoyed reading your shit straight up.. only thing i didnt like was there was no story and i really had to stretch to tie the pictures to ya verses but hey thats me


    my vote goes to Meta .... only because this is th STORY TELLING LEAGUE and pain really didnt have a story that was relevant

    like i said though both ya'll cats did the damn thing and it was mad close
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  10. Daht Cahm

    Daht Cahm The Poster Child

    Joined:
    Feb 29, 2008
    Messages:
    143
    Too me a while to get with your verse meta. Kept trying to find a balance in it. It seems to go all over the place. The flow was good, but it wasn't consistent. It was a easy read but at the same time it had me lost. It was a catch 22. You sacrificed the story to make room for better flow. It was good but it wasn't much of a story.

    Meta- I'm a soldier so I could relate to this And I could see it all in my head. I'm not sure if that makes me biased voting in this one, if so feel free to not count my vote.

    But I think Meta just had more of a story. And it's real cause that shit really happens. I liked it. The dialog during it was pretty cool. Sort of added to it sort of took from it. But I like how it told of the external battles of war and coming home and the internal battles as well.

    Vote- Meta
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  11. Daht Cahm

    Daht Cahm The Poster Child

    Joined:
    Feb 29, 2008
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    The first paragraph/portion of my verse is supposed to say Pain. Not Meta. I must have gotten confused. That was breaking his verse down.
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  12. Dougie G

    Dougie G New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2007
    Messages:
    309
    Meta: Ok well IMO, your verse felt like a long boring story, I mean the rhyme was on point, and the flow was there, but there was no action, It was just a guy talking, I would have enjoyed it more if it ended quicker. I mean it was like a movie that you would stop watching half way through

    Pain: What was this??? I mean no offense, but as a reader, I was not feeling this verse at all, I mean you were rhyming like crazy and had many multi's but what were u talking about, I mean since there was not a story, the multiple pictures did not have the effect they should have

    Vote: Meta for having a better overall story
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  13. THAILAN

    THAILAN southernplayalisticmuzik

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2000
    Messages:
    6,320
    metasin: i must say that for the most part this story seemed to drag, a very boring and uneventful read, there were times when the writing was good and times when it was bad but overall the content by the end of the verse just seemed boring, maybe partially due to the fact that I havent had much sleep, either that or the dialogue was too long and unrealistic and not much was accomplished within the length of this verse, the flow was the same as the content, sometimes it was on and other times it was off, i got lost in it at times and i appreciated the switch towards the end but i dont feel as though you pulled it off effectively, in the end i would say it was a weak tie in to the picture with a decent storyline that could have accomplished far more, very wordy dialogue here but i suppose this was still a good verse

    pain: you showcased good rhyming habits here not much else, the pictures seemed irrelevant, even the last one with the man sitting in the drawn room although that would have been the best fit for the three it's still a stretch, overall the verse just felt as if it lacked direction and focus, the flow was above par throughout and there were some nice lines and good wording in there but nothing was ever really brought together and there was never really a story that was told to grasp the attention of the reader, just rhyming words about general ideas sometimes in a simple manner and other times more abstract, i felt you fell short of producing a solid story here though which really hurt in comparison, for the most part your mechanics were far better and on a higher level than metasin but the actual verse in itself was gibberish, also very weak ties to the pictures

    in the end, you had one verse with a decent flow but somewhat inconsistent, good material that may have been over analyzed and too long which made for a drawn out story that seemed to drag, but nevertheless it was a story and sometimes an interesting one at that however unrealistic it may have been, on the other end you have a better display of mechanics but a lack of central focus and no real storyline, it's rather unfair to vote for the latter being that i feel he failed to produce a story thus leaving me to vote for metasin in a very tough decision

    a good showing from both although i felt that both could have produced better work here, metasin should work on better ideas along with a tighter knit flow and smoother progression, dialogue peices are tough to tackle being that people feel it is better to use more abstract words and it just comes off as unrealistic and unnatural thus producing somewhat of a boring dialogue which can end up ruining a piece, overall though you just gotta keep it consistent and cut to the chase, have a central idea/main event and center your verse around that climatic point whether it be the beginning, middle, or end

    pain, i just think you lacked a good story, this was definately your battle to win and i somewhat feel that you were robbed but at your own fault, you clearly have a grasp on mechanics and it read as though you forced this one out and thought you'd showcase your skills to grab some easy votes which is obviously backfiring

    good stuff though fellas
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  14. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
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    Meta- i enjoyed the multi's in your verse... and i can see the emotion in your piece... it was pretty good to be honest... this wasn't meant to be a story but more about the emotions you were feeling in the war... and ... it actually appeared as if u were actually there on the battlefield... it wasn't the most entertaining piece, but i enjoyed it nonetheless...

    Pain - it was really hard to get into your piece... it almost seemed as if u wrote this piece more for yourself than for the RSTL... i bet this shit has alot of hidden meaning that only YOU can truly decypher... ... this is also a topical league, but the topic u chose didn't really engage me as your earlier pieces...

    this was a pretty good battle and i look forward to facing one of u next week in the semi finals, and i vote metasin here... because i felt his emotion and i could see myself on the battlefield... it also had that quality to make me want to read it again...
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  15. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
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    I concede defeat. Good job meta...
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  16. Bodian

    Bodian Mahatmaghandi Warholishit

    Joined:
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    This was a toughie, but I was leaning towards Metasin here also. I didnt have problems with the flow at all like some of these others experienced but I do agree so far as the unneeded dialogue in between. Actually it wasnt so much unneeded as unwanted, I would of much prefered you to rhyme the whole thing out and actually deliver it that way than go about it as you did, that felt almost like a cop out to just insert inserpts like that but I can appreciate the story because its not an easy one to pull off effectively but I did actually like the idea behind this. Props on that. Pain, your flow in this joint came off fluent as fuck to me, I didnt find any problems in the line length etc and actually think you have one of the best natural rhythmic feels to your pieces in this league to be honest. You have since your Ninja Kid days... This one read almost like an audio track, if you threw in some hooks after every stanza I could easily see this being spat over some Nas or Cannibal Ox beats. Straight up... So far as the actual content though, while all the mechanics and wording were on point and ticking all the right boxes with me, I still prefered Metas story verse over it. Call it personal preference this week I guess, but I think a solid story will prevail over a good topical verse in this league more times than not, and it did here. Its the perfect example of it. Tough match to call in all honesty, it really could of gone to either of you but Meta did enough to win it for me this week.

    An upset, maybe?

    Vote - Metasin
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  17. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
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  18. inkwell (chris)

    inkwell (chris) Spontaneous Bop Prosody

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2006
    Messages:
    106
    good battle, i wasnt dissapointed at all.

    meta - this is an interesting way to present the classic soldiers pain theme, the thing that made it insightful was the shrinks callous attitude and how he kept blowing him off. at first i thought the ending was a bit redundant but after rereading the end of the last stanza before the final 4 bars it worked for me.

    pain - this was a good effort. an interesting mix of topical and story but ultimately it came out a little vague. i think all the pictures worked, the way the crowd is looking at him in the 2nd picture is why i found that one relevant.

    close battle for me, i think meta edged it though.

    vote - meta
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  19. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    Metasin wins 7-2
    Pain fails to post links
    Metasin still wins 7-(-2)
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