[Wk 4] Contender 1. Lucifa 13-4 v. Contender 2. Insanevillian 3-0 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Mar 3, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

    ----- The RSTL Official Rules & Regulations -----

    "GENERAL RULES"

    VERSUS DUE: Every Thursday @ 11:59 PM EST
    LINE LIMIT: 16 ≤ YOUR VERSE ≤ 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    • Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent

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    • If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants
    • CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    • Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics
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    ----------------------------------------------------------------

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  2. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    test
  3. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    test
  4. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
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    19,109
    Here you go IV .. pick it apart .. zone in on my weakness .. expose it .. then write accordingly .. no excuse not to win now ..

    Lullabies

    The car spun and swerved, flipped and twisted
    as it bumped the curb which had lifted
    my mother, father and me, six feet up in the air
    as we land on the street I did nothing but stare
    at my father's twisted head looking my way
    but I could see in his eyes he had nothing to say
    his gaze far too distant to be of the living
    I was dazed but heard the distinct sound of dripping
    if it's petrol I'm fucked, no means of escaping
    even if the ambulance hits the speeds we were making
    before dad lost control, his showing off backfired
    I survived the nose dive being near the back tires
    I was only seven but I was giving up on survival
    I was scared I wouldn't surive until helps arrival
    my mind wandered to memories of bright blue skies
    making daisy chains with mum, singing lullabies

    "It's strange in this room" was my first reaction
    white, sterile, bright and no noise distraction
    silent but for my breath and intake of saliva
    above my bed I was labelled "Route 8 crash survivor"
    followed by "still to interview" printed beneath
    I was in 'West County General', hinted the sheet
    suddenly a nurse walked in and smiled so warmly
    "I'd have bought breakfast with me had you of warned me,
    that you would be awaking this morning, princess."
    suddenly it floods back and mourning insets
    the nurse wrapped me in her blanket of affection
    and to save time I'm gonna cut down this section
    just give you the jist, I was nursed back to fitness
    police never did see me for my statement as a witness
    I'd been in a coma two years so they just said
    it was due to dangerous driving that my folks were dead
    social welfare sent me off to my aunt, I said my good byes
    sat in the car, remembering memories, singing lullabies

    Things were good for a while, my cousins were playful
    wanted for nothing as my stomach would stay full
    until my cousins, all male, introduced me to Ben,
    "nice to meet you Ben", Peter's friend, he was ten,
    he was cool, made me laugh, he was a lover of math,
    really clever, he could rap, he had a brother called Matt,
    I could go on and on about Ben, I really could though!
    but you don't wanna read that, you want a good show
    so here, you sadistic fuckers, here's where it goes to hell
    here's the bit to tantalise where your morbid tastes all dwell
    see my aunt was a single parent to three boys, different dads
    'a slut' on the estate and branded an outcast
    smoked a lot, drank a lot, but looked after her kids
    but when it came to punishment she was strict
    morals up and above her label, pyschologically stamped
    she resented neighbour's mutterings of "that's the skank"
    so when she noticed my attention to Ben was growing
    into that of affection and Ben was knowing
    she took action and did it to the most extreme
    dragged me to the basement, the boys followed the scream
    she strung me up in the corner, ripped off my clothes
    told the boys to look at me - "Look at HER pose"
    smacked me across the face and told them to too
    she even went as far as to get Ben to too
    then she grabbed some broken glass and scratched
    the word 'whore' in to my stomach and back
    walked out, locked the door and ignored my cries
    captive with my only escape being memories of singing lullabies

    I am Meg Loughlin and this is based on my story, less gory
    the police did find me, but this isn't a story of glory

    They found me dead after weeks of torture
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  5. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    BOOM!!!

    I spend alotta time writing these verses, fighting back curses
    having writer's block, sometimes i wish that time reverses
    back to a time when i could blaze tracks to my lines
    to the RSTL my verses was the best crack they could find
    i have to unwind, relax, i'm only facing the mod
    Got Life? for the title. i'll give him a taste of the god
    waste him with odd storylines bout', wait, a knock at my door?
    if it's that bitch again, i'll throw a rock at the whore
    God's trying to write, no time to be droppin' my drawers
    "Angelic i told u u can't have the cock anymore!"
    as i opened the door a man said "drop to the floor!
    your under arrest!" my insides were shocked to the core
    i pissed my pants, missed my chance to pull out in time
    my heart was in they're hands, like a valentine
    "This is about a crime," what they said next made me puke
    "Sent in by one of our officers u know vaguely, JooK

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    That shady crook came to my cell sportin' his badge
    "IV in jail again?" and like a pig he snorted and laughed
    "This is important" he added, i wanted to hit this nig
    split his wig, "You think i give a shit u pig!"
    His partner came in, a big nigga lookin' intellectual
    "My name is Nique" HA! I knew she was a transexual
    "Try to be flexible, we did this shit for a reason"
    I said " Fuck u, i'm in jail," Jook sat back cheesin'
    he smirked, "Believe it son, listen to us if u want outta jail"
    "Fuck u both, tomorrow i'll be out on bail

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    I called dat chick Bonnie, told her the situation
    without hesitation she arrived at the station
    to pick me up, THANK GOD for Emcee Buttafli
    I couldn't bear to tell her, now JooK's gonna die
    "Do u have another guy?", her looks made me feel entrapped
    "Your too late IV, Quriosity already killed the cat"
    well.. that was that, now i focused on spillin' my gat
    In JooK's intestines, Tomorrow he'll feel my wrath

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    I used the internet, hopped on aim express
    hit up DiC, he said, "Make sure that lame regrets
    cheating to win in the league, he don't know the law son
    and u heard it here first, that nigga is nah son
    here's his addy," now i can take this bastard to war
    take a drill to spill his guts and to plaster the floor
    i'm the master fo sho, now it's my turn to knock on his door
    he opened up n' i said, "Now it's your turn to drop to the floor!"
    "Your an idiot, An assassin is staking his claim
    telling us that he was gonna put bullets straight in yo brain
    we tried to protect you," Then the last thing i felt being alive
    two shots crashing through my chest and a voice, "IV, u Got Life?"

    In the RSTL IV no showed for HIS Last time...

    and Got Life...

    his killer...

    became a legend...
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  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    13,681
    up over no-shows
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  7. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Lok - I think this piece was the victim of the line limit, just as the piece started getting worth reading it ended and that ending left me with a lot of disappointment. Also one thing that you did here that I didn't like which took away from the writers voice was talking to the reader, while at the same time talking as the girl, I think setting up a narrator character alternate the girl would have worked better, you could have had the narrator describe the crash real quick, the back to fitness real quick, the girl describes her growing fond of Ben, then her aunt, and the pain and suffering of the torture...I think that's where this piece missed as it could have been quite the gem. None the less it was definitely a good piece, just not a great one.

    IV - lol, this had me cracking the hell up, I love how you incorporated people both new and old, and the rhymes were smooth as fuck keeping the flow moving the whole time...essentially where you really shined here was with your writers voice, your flow/scheme, and just creativity and entertainment factor as I haven't seen a verse done like this in quite some time, minus a rather weak and whack attempt by DAD several months ago.

    to me, I think this could go either way, some could go for the imagery and emotion of Lok's piece, but in my eyes Lok's ending ruined it for him, whereas the entertainment factor of IV's piece and his extremely smooth flow won me over.

    vote = IV (R.I.P.)
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  8. Craccer_Jacc

    Craccer_Jacc SudAnillyst

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2003
    Messages:
    252
    good battle of stories ... this was the funnest battle to read by far



    Lu your style is dope the verse was almost flawless the only thing that threw me was talken to me/reader and then talken like a gurl again .. true i dont know u but i'm pretty sure your a dude well thats how i hear u anyway




    I.V. flawless story it was fuccen hillarious ... i dont even know the cats u were written about and it was still funny juss that u made people characters in your sicc lil story so good shit



    my vote goes to I.V. for a smoother read


    both u ctas dont even need to hear this from me but u got mad skills .. i said it so ha... good shit
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  9. Daht Cahm

    Daht Cahm The Poster Child

    Joined:
    Feb 29, 2008
    Messages:
    143
    Okay, Lucifa... as far as writing goes your verse was great. As far as content goes... I'm not sure how to explain it. I mean it didn't make much sense. Parents die... move in with aunt. And you go from liking this boy to getting beat by your aunt. I mean there was no sign she was that way and because people called her a whore she beats the main character for liking a boy? It just didn't set well with me content wise. But it was well written.



    IV.. flowed really well. It was cool how the "theme" was based like a soap opera involving people here. Though I don't know most of them. I could see it all happen in my head. And put faces to it. Very nice story. Why were they trying to help? That part hemmed me up for a second.


    Vote- IV... both well written. IV had better flow and content.
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  10. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    16,814
    because they knew got life had a hit on me...
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  11. Dougie G

    Dougie G New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2007
    Messages:
    309
    hands Down battle of the week



    Luc: Well I mean you always bring it, every week, you always bring that shit and this verse did not dissappoint, it had the writer's voice that all your verses always have, and the flow and the rhymes were on point, I mean I guess you were right, as a reader, i was just expecting more, I wanted a harsher ending and I didnt get it, i felt as though the ending was rushed, and that was your one weakness.

    IV: Well, i know no one cares, but I use to be in this league a long time ago, and I remmeber you being a legend then, and now ur back, and your still a legend, this was a very comedic verse, I mean it had people laughing and kept the readers entertained and isnt that what we are suppose to do as writer's. So for that, I give you a thumbs up.

    Vote: IV, for having a more entertaining verse
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  12. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
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    test
  13. THAILAN

    THAILAN southernplayalisticmuzik

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    6,320
    lucifa: okay, this story was everywhere for me, you clearly have a grip on writing but sometimes you loosened it throughout this script which made for a very inconsistent reading, the flow was often steady but sometimes stretched which never seemed to help the slow progression, at first you started about a car accident which seems irrelevant to the rest of the plot, the twist was just too far fetched and didn't correlate well with the beginning, i think you should have stuck to one or the other and developed the story around it, you never really developed the character here either but instead you developed two totally different events and an aunt that came out of nowhere with a past that was briefly unvieled, all in all there were instances of interest but overall the story made absolutely no sense and it felt as though you just pulled this one out of your ass, my biggest beef however was with the narration of this piece, i didn't like the fact that the narrator seemed to be speaking to me saying things like, "but you didnt come here to read that, so here's the good stuff ... let me cut to the chase," it all came out just a bit too cheesy for my tastes, I really can't see where you were going with this one, again, to recap.. the flow was inconsistent but overall decent, the character development was poor, the writer's voice was poor and immature, the plot itself had potential in either direction to produce a more focused piece but as is was also quite poor in execution, i felt as though you somewhat did this on purpose because you writing proved that you actually know how to write but you failed to produce a solid, centralized, focus piece of material here for your readers, next time you should choose one main event and stick with it, if a car crash has absolutely nothing to do with the climax and yet more than half of your verse is spent on the accident and recovery then something must be wrong, you should have known better before posting this and i look forward to seeing you bounce back next week with a more focused piece

    insanevillian: a very refreshing verse after having mixed emotions about lucifa's showing, you did very well incorporating internet individuals into a real life scenario but still somewhat "internetish" if that makes any sense, this verse was entertaining to say the least and the flow kept me reading, there were maybe 2 or 3 times that i felt it was slightly off but it never hurt the story or slowed the progression, all in all i reached the end of your verse in no time and was not disappointed, somehow through all the laughs and giggles you actually were able to produce a solid storyline as well which really made this verse feel complete and refreshing, i wouldn't say a classic because of the comedic approach and simplistic plot and rhymescheme but definately one of the best reads of the week entertainment wise, i enjoyed the comedic approach and the fact that everything made sense and i actually chuckled at times and the ending was still just that.. and ending which wrapped this up nicely, well done here, no real beef with the script

    honestly, i dont think lucifa saw it coming, nor did i, i didnt expect to read something like this from IV this week, seemed like a fine tuned DAD verse or what DAD wishes he could produce, i was a fan here simply because it was one of the easiest reads which happened to also be funny and fulfilling at the same time, whereas lucifa i felt had he focused on one idea could have pulled this out with a better story and a more mature approach, but being that his verse was a puzzle with no real direction or correlation between events, i have to give this one to insanevillian by a mile, he held my attention and didnt take too long to finish

    i suggest lucifa stick to the script, his flow is good enough for the most part and his ideas had potential but next time just focus on one central event and things will go much smoother

    iv, i suggest you think of some more clever ideas, this is definately a one time thing and i can't wait to see if you can pull something else out of your hat, if you stay consistent with the mechanics and progression you displayed here along with a real plot, you'll do just fine, character development was somewhat uneccessary here being that we knew all of the characters but next week you better actually buckle down and produce

    good match though fellas
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  14. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    2,082
    Lucifa... I looked up that name, as I figured it had some relevance, and I had no idea who that was... i think you used the movie well along with the lullabies theme, but I think it took a bit too long to get to where you were going with the piece... I think a little less about the car crash, or the hospital would've gave you moe time to focus about the torture of the girl BUT i like how the character always incorporated the thoughts of lullabies as her escape in each situation... I liked the verse, but I was left wanting a bit more...

    IV. This really was entertaining... The fluidity of the scheme AND the story was perfect... You never went on to long about any one thing, and you encorporated members of the league in here well. I don't have a bad thing to say about it, because it evoked actual emotion from us, the readers, as I'm sure a lot of people laughed, or will get a good smile from this.

    Good Battle... Lucifa did well, but i think IV edged this one...
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  15. inkwell (chris)

    inkwell (chris) Spontaneous Bop Prosody

    Joined:
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    lucifa - when i was reading this i was thinking damn lucifa is pretty dope. like for some reason in my mind you were only average, dont know why but the point is i was impressed. i was thinking like Gl however that speaking to the reader the way you did, hurt the verse alot, it was way out of character for a 7 to 10 yr old girl. and whoever said the ending wasnt harsh enough - ??? it was way too extreme IMO, her aunt beating her ok, but having her cousins and bf come down and join in slapping her? a little too much for me.

    IV - didnt really like the concept bro. i was thinking ...why? why are you doing this? heh. i mean most people do stuff like this when they are conceiting the match, just for fun. however it was good for what it was, mechanics were on point, not sure what the topic was either, and since this is already a KO...

    vote - iv
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  16. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    good battle IV .. appreciate the feedback from all .. good active week of voting this week which is good to see.
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  17. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    IV wins 7-0
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