[Wk 4] 9. BaySick 0-0 v. 10. Daht Cahm 0-0 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Mar 3, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

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  2. Daht Cahm

    Daht Cahm The Poster Child

    Joined:
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    Check. I'll probably drop soon.
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  3. BaySick

    BaySick ill.

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  4. Daht Cahm

    Daht Cahm The Poster Child

    Joined:
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    [​IMG]




    Sun bathed in Charlie Parker
    It’s melodic sex to your ears for starters
    It’s like passion’s hateful ejaculation
    Just a little bit harder…
    …To fathom
    Listened to Jazz from the back days,
    You know those energetically relaxed days
    Beautiful contradictions as the Moody Blues track plays
    Dancing circles on my eyelids through those black shades
    … I was addicted
    Candy cigarettes to make it seem a bit more real,
    Epileptic feet the tap along it’s so surreal
    Lactating at the thought that the music of my fingers on brass
    Would make some feel
    … Finally alive
    Such a kindred nation,
    Not now Jenny the little Kenny G’s splendor patience
    The needle on vinyl made me spin with the ‘cool’ that was this lost generation
    … Engulf me
    Even before I’d heard of sex
    I was erupting eargasms in my turtle neck
    Wondering what the synthesizer would murder next
    … Can’t lose Jazz
    Lots of hands ratta tat tat off plenty knees it‘s,
    obsessive like penny treat shit
    Let me see this,
    Every breath that sneaks from my lungs wreaks of Kenny G hits
    … Can’t you see it?
    Making your fingertips coom right?
    Brighter than sunshine more beautiful than moon light
    And soon I, wallow in laughter in a Jazz Goons night
    … Absorb it
    Hotter than those June nights, I’m full of it
    Low notes to high tops pull it quick
    Daydreams abruptly stop once that bullet hits
    … This is war
    Those childhood days are gone
    One last chance to play my song
    And though the situation may be wrong
    … It’s time for music
    The sweat glistens around my throat
    And my M-4 sings LOUD tossing rounds like notes
    And like the legends of Jazz you’ll bleed the sounds it throws
    … Listen for it
    And my instrument and I may never stand again
    So insurgents my crowd and the sand’s my stage
    Body’s drop from these notes that this man plays
    … I can’t be imitated
    Was told don’t copy make music that’s your own
    Center mass as these jazz cats extract your dome
    Cause black metal and carbon… that’s my saxophone
    … Now it’s clear
    This song of patriotism in all it’s splenders
    One last note the enemy’s soul it enters
    I am a legend.. And my music will be remembered
    …. Play with me





    [​IMG]
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  5. Daht Cahm

    Daht Cahm The Poster Child

    Joined:
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    (I decided to do it now, since I'm in Iraq, never know when I'd get another chance to post it. Hope you like it. Good luck Baysick)
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  6. BaySick

    BaySick ill.

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    [​IMG]

    Promotion speech in Detroit, Michigan
    Vote for Mark Wallace…He will be the greatest president…
    As the crowd cheers I begin to speak my speech not hesitant..
    I move quickly without a hitch in my throat iknow what I wrote..
    “My people my friends MY FAMILY I bring the hopeless hope..
    I will take the people out of the streets and give them homes..
    I still make the right decisions at any feet I will not leave it alone..
    Im a president who doesn’t give up on people, I’m there for you..
    Won’t say no to people who I treat equal my promise I follow thru..
    But that’s enough about me what do you people want..
    ..::looking through the crowds he sees mean faces some taunt::..
    =================================== ================

    This man that runs for president is doin something never done before.
    Its like… if he can take his visions and make the truth, or see no more?..
    Because of him doing something that’s never been done, he has haters..
    People don’t want to see him succeed even if he’s the best, nothing matters..
    It’s how he approached it, that made him hated by some, but how will it end..
    As the closing weeks come we will watch his faith, and see if he wins..

    =================================== ==================

    At His final speech for his campaign promotion.
    Louisville, Georgia
    Hello, my hometown of Georgia, I have a proposition for ya..
    What if I take all racism out of the picture in the south foreva..
    I know that sounds bold but with your votes I can make it work..
    If I become president I can change things not only racism but that's a start..
    I will change some of the worlds policy I will make more opportunities..
    I will be the best president I can be and clean up America’s community..
    Doing everything I can….
    ..::As he begins his second paragraph he here’s the bang of a hammer::..
    ..:: Looking around, then feeling the pain looking down he’s been hammered:..
    Shot in the chest he stands in front of his hometown with a lost look
    He realizes that this is the end of his book the last chapter he took..
    The people scatter and like said before he’s black and it does matter..
    There will never be a black president of the United States to many haters..
    ....as the cloud of smoke lifts off his body and the crowds fled..
    you see a man that holds the power of a million shake his head..
    Slowly George bush walks away with his handgun used for huntin..
    He just won't have a black president in his white house runnin..
    __________________
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  7. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    up over no-shows
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  8. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    I'm putting money on it being Baron .. anyway ..

    Daht Cahm - I liked this .. unconvential structure but it worked .. I kind of cheated myself with this piece .. as I scrolled the whole thread first and saw the soldier pic .. so when this piece got going I actually predicted it was going to be a metaphorical piece .. but you did it well .. enjoyable to read with some nice imagery and descriptive work whilst twisting the metaphors throughout the verse .. nice job ..

    BaySick - yes .. it was ..

    .. oh .. you want more? .. ok .. well .. snoozefest comes to mind .. stretched lines that weren't really saying much interesting anyway .. you gotta work on cutting down how many syllables you're trying to fit into your bars .. content was pretty blah .. it had its motives and the black president thing is a very poignant debate .. you just delivered it with very little flare or strength in terms of a writers voice or opinion ..

    Vote = Daht Cahm .. by a landslide ..
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  9. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Tim - I loved this verse, the imagery was phenomenal and really carried the piece and I actually liked the broken down structure as it gave the piece a really good vibe, another thing that shined well was your writers voice...the only thing I think you could have done better here is with your actual rhyme scheme, but I think this verse was very well done. Also the emotional level although most don't know it, that soldier pic is actually you, so I thought that was a really dope tie in.

    Bay - Ok, first thing I have to tell you is this is a step up from what you were writing last season, but at the same time, this was by no means more than a decent verse. One major thing I have an issue with is how basic your rhyming is because you pair it with incredibly simple language throughout your entire piece so your drab rhyming only makes your bars seem even more stretched...also instead of writing out an action sequence like this is a play, make it come to life with rhymes, that's the whole point of the RSTL...I also felt the transitions needed a lot of work and that all together this piece needed to be re-worked before you brought it to the table.

    vote = Daht Cahm for outwriting Baysick across the table.
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  10. Blackanese

    Blackanese BlackaneseCantRap.com

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    vote - daht cahm

    will edit later lol!!!!!
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  11. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    ^ that kind of shit doesn't fly in the RSTL...

    (lmao)
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  12. Craccer_Jacc

    Craccer_Jacc SudAnillyst

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    252
    yo both u cats did ya shit .. respect


    dat your verse had a mixcture of everything imagry wordplay multi's n a solid plot... it was nice to read and made me a think a lil so good shit




    bay your verse was rough it did stay on ya topic but kinda got hard to read cause there wasent really any surprises in it like i would read a line and i could already second guess what the next line was gonna be.. ya digg?



    so my vote goes to Dat .... his verse was juss more complete


    props to both for putten it out there
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  13. Daht Cahm

    Daht Cahm The Poster Child

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  14. Dougie G

    Dougie G New Member

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    Daht Cahm: Ok well at the beginning, yor verse was killing it, I loved everything about it, but then it started to slowly die out, I mean IMO, I think you should have ended it early, it would have been a better verse without the rushed ending, but still it was a nice verse with a great flow. Easy to follow

    Baysick: LMAO!!!!!!!!!!! I just loved the idea you had for this verse, the first black president, being shot by Goerge Bush, now that is classic, I aint never even though about a president assinating another President. But even though the idea made me laugh, I dont think you did a good job of bringing the idea out, I mean first of hater does not rhyme with matter. It just doesnt.

    Vote: Daht Cahm, For having a better rhyme scheme and a easier to follow flow
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  15. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    Dat calm... sick as hell piece... i have a friend who is really into jazz and i had to pull him away from his computer to read this... and he loved it... i like the vocab, and it just really stuck out as the best topical piece have seen this week... u kind of remind me of my crew mate infinite truth... and trust me that is a compliment...

    Baysick - well your flow scheme has gotten a little bit worse since the last time i read you... i remember i tried to work on that with you... u had a pretty good concept, but u have to make the verse a little bit more...

    entertaining... if simple is how you like to keep it, than what u need to do is read a lucifa verse... cuz he is one of the best at keeping it simple but, letting his writiers voice take over the piece... so if simple is where u wanna go, improve your writers voice and u will give some people some comp in this league... it's probably been awhile since u wrote but i do say this, u are one of the most consistant heads in this league, and i'd LOVE to see u improve...

    vote dat calm ---- he had the better overall verse in most departments, except maybe concept, ... but props to baysick for showing...
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  16. -Sephiroth-

    -Sephiroth- Geostigmatic

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    441
    vote - Daht Cahm

    Daht Cahm - Nice piece, the wording kept me interested all the way through. The flow was a little choppy at times but that's ok cause everything else was fine to me.

    BaySick - I don't know, i just didn't really like it lol. The flow wasn't really good, your wording wasn't bad though, but i couldn't wait for it to be finished to be honest. Also you had a dope picture to write about and you didn't really do anything with it.
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  17. Bodian

    Bodian Mahatmaghandi Warholishit

    Joined:
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    Damn, nice battle...

    This one was the sleeper battle for sure, I dont think many expected this from Daht but the dude is pretty slick with his from what he showed here... Sick imagery, unorthodox style like someone mentioned previously, but it read surprisingly well, smooth transitions, and a great tie-in with the metaphor to boot. Overall a really solid performance from the kid here, I felt him a lot. Looking forward to reading more of you my good man...

    Baysick had a decent idea at the heart of his piece but it ultimately didnt shine as it could have here. I wanted it to, I was almost willing him towards doing it about midway through to match something near to Daht's but he was just a notch up from Bay this time out for me, the flow was there in parts, the wording okay in parts, and like I said - There was a nice idea, but ultimately he sold it short here and got matched against a very tough opponent who really outmatched him with this verse. It was almost a complete mis-match of styles and approaches to topics, with Daht dominating in the lions share of categories for me. Not what I was expecting, but a damn pleasant surprise!

    Good verse fammo.

    Vote - Daht Com
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  18. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
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    daht. Verse of the week. I really liked this... I could hear a sax hummin in my head as i read the verse... It was poetic, and flowed well... the transition into the war was dope too, as it made sense, and was still creative. No real complaints from me.

    Baysick lived up to his name. JK, lol. Nah, but the ending was typical aside from the fact that the assassin was Bush.... Which actually could've worked well for you, but you really didn't do much with the verse. It wasn't horrible, but a bit stretched and it felt monotone... Put some energy into the stories and wats going on... If you're goin to have a ending such as an assassination of a black president you have to build it up better than that.... Keep writin, and you'll improve.

    Vote Daht
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  19. inkwell (chris)

    inkwell (chris) Spontaneous Bop Prosody

    Joined:
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    daht - i loved the first half of your verse, im a fan of 50's jazz, fan of the beat writers who were fans of jazz, charlie parker especially. when you started to switch it to the soldier portion i was actually a little dissapointed. just wanted you to continue with the original theme because i liked it so much. but after getting over that the whole thing was well done, your on my radar buddy :p (good luck in iraq too man, my good friends going in a couple of months)

    baysick - this was a good idea, very socially relevent, i knew we were talking barack be the 2nd stanza but it didnt really take anything away. i dont think it should have been george bush who killed him though, a klansman or somthing would have been preferrable to me. alot of the rhymes were a stretch though, work on your rhyming skills and you'll be in good shape.

    vote - daht
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  20. Juked

    Juked like 20 of the Lions.

    Joined:
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    Baysick- That was a cool verse, alot more creative than most of the verses ive read however the actual verse wasnt as well written as daht cahms...

    Daht Cahm- I love the way you wrote this, the structure is very refreshing and the cool part was even though it was unconvetional it flowed really well. When I saw the soldier pic i kinda saw where you were goin with it but it kpet me entertained throughout...

    vote-DC
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