[WK 3]MetaSin 0-0 v. Stars€reen 0-0

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Feb 25, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
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    25,850



    [​IMG]

    ----- The RSTL Official Rules & Regulations -----

    "GENERAL RULES"

    VERSUS DUE: Every Thursday @ 11:59 PM EST
    LINE LIMIT: 16 ≤ YOUR VERSE ≤ 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
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    • CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    • Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics
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    • If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 4 lines (4-15) AND 2 voting links in order to claim victory
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    test
  2. Stars€reen

    Stars€reen forever

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2008
    Messages:
    530
    Deja VU

    don't know if i'll make it thursday but here

    I hopped in the car, closed the door behind me, and turned back the KEY
    I had a couple of magazines beside me and trash in the backseat
    I picked up a couple peices of paper and all the contraband
    then put the weed in mY pocket and the rest in the trash can
    I hope i didn't forget ne thing, nah i've checked everything enough
    Yo i hit the mailbox last week, I hate backin up
    Hit the gas, push in a cd, the disc readers warm to the touch
    I hate listenin to the radio, they play the same songs too much
    I'm tryn'a weeve outta traffic, i figure bein plain is attractin
    cuz when i stop at the light, 2 people got the same thing blastin
    I turn the volume to 5, and continue to drive, spittin rhymes
    My minds so deep in it i've crossed over the median line
    So I swerve, hit a ditch, and threw the wheel off and axel
    It rolls back in the road, throwin off the direction of travel
    A dodge swerve's, then a Sentra, but the semi's goin to fast
    people evacuate their cars like they know its gonna crash

    I feel the urge to start prayin, before i could even let my hands touch
    I opened up my eye's, and I was still tryn'a back up

    I hit the brakes, put the gear in park, and switched off the motor
    pushed eject on the cd but it wouldn't switch over
    Soljah boy was playin, sayin he wanna chick like him
    I hate that shit, and 'this is why i'm hot" by Mihms
    the fuckin radio, I pressed the power button and jumped out the seat
    I wallked back to the housedoor and stuck in the key
    I'm paranoid as fuck, mabey i need to lie down for a while
    then i'd tried to calm down, and even cracked a smile
    must have been a dream... but how I can't figure out how
    I'm still a little bit nervous, but fall asleep on the couch
    the telephone rings, i hear it but can't respond as we speak
    it keeps rignin, as aggravatin as the gnashing of teeth
    I'm finally able to feel my legs, and notice the cast on the left
    the whole situation, makes me question the crash in itself
    I hop to the phone, a telemarketer...what the hell's goin on
    must have been, an alterin blow, dealt to the dome or somethin

    Cuz

    I feel the urge to start prayin, openin my eyes really seemed hard
    but I was throwin away thrash, gatherin weed from the car
    test
  3. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2002
    Messages:
    2,082
    Seen But Not Heard

    "Where Am I!" I scream; someone has covered my eyes...
    & bound my wrist and my feet... I can do nothin but try...
    to scream for help as i sit stiff in my chair...,
    my voice soft yet piercing as it's hittin the air./
    left alone to my thoughts; i must be destined to die...
    & i feel no comfort as i feel another presence arive.
    i don't even move a muscle, cuz i'm mentally set;
    i've hit rock bottom, so there ain't no use testin the depths/
    but then as my blindfold is taken the lights are stingin and sharp...
    and a monitor is glowing, lonely, dim in the dark.
    I can see noone, but i wait as my vision adjusts...
    and my stare is drawn to a lone image that's up.../
    on the screen; it's a woman, bound in a chair like my own...
    in a room that shares the same silence; a comparable tone.
    as the image gets closer, and I can see in her eyes
    i see it's my wife, Jade alone... it becomes easy to cry./
    but i watch cuz i must, in hopes that she'll soon be okay...
    then the image turns black... and i don't turn away...
    cuz I can't and I'm scared that she's gone from this world...,
    so i think about the times when all i had was my girl./
    it could've been more,... I regret that I did her so wrong
    all she did was love me, and I betrayed her for so long...
    w/ no reason or cause but getting sexual pleasure...
    but at my peak with her, life was getting no better./
    I close my eyes for a moment, it's like everything paused...
    thinking "if she's still alive, I promise I'll give her my all".
    Then I open my eys, and again see my girl in a chair...
    but it wasn't on the screen.... my girl was right there.../
    and she wasn't tied up, she was as free as a bird...
    i was stunned as she turned to the screen while speakin no words.
    see there was a new image, tho it was simply the same
    cept the girl in the chair was the sis of my dame.../
    "baby stop!!!" i scream, at the top of my lungs...
    but that was a recording... it was already done.
    she spared me the sight... again the image was black...
    i could only imagine how she felt being stabbed in the back/
    " Jade, it was just one time!!!" i lied, in hopes I'd be spared...
    maybe in hopes she still loved me... or hope that she cared
    but she did...
    I could see it in here eyes, & the stress in her face...
    so i didn't scream any more, I just accepted my fate.../
    as I sat in the chair, I wouldn't speak anymore
    then I was startled by a sudden creek from a door...
    Jade didn't move, because the guest was expected...
    it was the woman for whom she'd been neglected./
    her sister arrived, with tears of sorrow and shame...
    but jade didn't show emotion, not even a bit of disdain..
    she just motioned to her sister for assistance and help...
    Jade's last look at me said "you did this to your self!"/
    i gave one last effort... "jade, stop!!! please!!! I CAN CHANGE!!!
    but she was deranged... my life for her heart was an even exchange
    i was moved to a tub, in her mind a philosophical death...
    she never said a word...
    but blood was thicker than that water that took all of my breath./
    test
  4. Stars€reen

    Stars€reen forever

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2008
    Messages:
    530
    nice verse dude

    uppin for some votes
    test
  5. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2002
    Messages:
    2,082
    test
  6. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    Star - this wasn't a weak verse but it has it's faults .. the mechanics were all in and around the 'average' .. nothing shone from this piece .. it was a forgetable verse .. I don't mean this to sound harsh .. cos the verse was consistent with the level it started and ended with .. it's just that that consistent wasn't set too high .. not bad .. but uninspired and a bit flat ..

    Meta - basically .. you blew your opponent out of the proverbial water .. I don't want to over hype .. but in my personal opinion .. this was pretty hot .. the story .. the feel .. even the mechanics .. all on point .. verse of the week from what I've read so far (this is my 3rd battle) .. and that's saying something cos there are some nice pieces going down this week .. really enjoyed this ..

    Vote = MetaSin .. obviously? .. lol .. well .. I do mean it when I say I don't want to "overhype" .. cos this verse was not a 10/10 piece .. but it certainly is a strong story piece if not the strongest open mic (mechanics) .. great imagery and very solid .. had that creepy "Saw" feel to it and I highly enjoyed reading it ..
    test
  7. Dougie G

    Dougie G New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2007
    Messages:
    309
    Star: I liiked this verse, but if you ever read any of my vere's then you know that's not really a compliment, I mean the flow had a couple of weak spots, but all in all, it was a good verse.

    Meta: Once again, I liked this verse also, but like i said thats not a compliment coming from me. And I agree with Luc, I liked the feel of the verse, it was very eerie.

    Vote: Meta, for a more entertaining verse.
    test
  8. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Star - I mean this verse was clear cut for what it was and had a couple cool images throughout it, but at the same time, you really had no sense of direction with this entire piece. To boot your mechanics were extremely sloppy as you did not show much thought or ingenuity behind this piece, it felt thrown together and bland. Definitely keep at it and elevate though.

    Meta - this was kinda cool, I mean, I'm the "gore" guy around here so when you deal with my standards on something like this you're never going to really hit the top notch, but at the same time the way I see it is this piece showed a lot more effort and better imagery than that of your opponent. What I'd focus on in the future if I were you is character development, stronger emotion, better flow, and making the piece less "elaborate"...it seems you put to much effort into masking what was going on which took a little away from the clarity of the piece.

    vote = Meta.
    test
  9. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2005
    Messages:
    10,367
    Star - Wasn't a huge fan of your verse. You did have some positives, some pretty nice imagery, but the mechanics were sloppy, and for whatever reason, the verse just couldn't draw me in.

    Meta - I think this battle is pretty clear, thus the brevity of vote. You had a very solid story and a nice take on the topic, plus your mechanics were well ahead of stars.

    Vote - Meta...
    test
  10. Baron Mynd

    Baron Mynd Swaggersaurus Rex

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2003
    Messages:
    10,366
    I wasnt a great fan of Star's verse this week, like everyone already covered, the negatives to the verse really overshadowed the positives which was unfortunate for you here. The imagery was actually pretty good, you should play to that strongpoint in the future and build around that. Make it a key feature to your pieces, because some opponents in the league cant do that as well as you can... Also, like mentioned previously, the mechanics behind the verse werent up to standard this week, the whole thing seemed keyed up and posted hastily as I read it where as with Meta's its clearer he took more time to develop it and get it into a good state before posting. Its been a looooooong time since I read an actual MetaSin topical. Reaching back to El Dub I think haha! Good to see you writing again man. This was a pretty colid drop, flow is cool, lose the // at the end of bars though. Lol. Its cool for audio, not so cool for text... Ive seen you mention this female Jade before too, is it someone your actually seeing? Creepy. Anyhow, Meta did more than enough to take this battle here. Star has a few signs of potential, but he needs to really nurture those and play to his strengths when he writes. If he can do that, he's slowly start picking up a few victories around these here parts, he's just been a little unfortunate to face someone like Meta in his first week here...

    Overall, MetaSin did enough to win this for me.

    Peace!
    test
  11. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2001
    Messages:
    25,850
    Stars€reen, this verse was average in every sense of the definition, but not average based on the skill level of this league seeing as how we have a vast mix of very skillful writers and a few wack writers, but just an average verse subject wise and everything, the content in itself was very uninteresting and somewhat confusing with the flashbacks and whatnot although i did grasp the action it wasn't necessarily conveyed well, however the progression of the story was great, you moved the events seemlessly and never sacrificed content for something else, its just that the actual story was immature although you progressed through it well, the flow was pretty good for the most part all though there were times that it seemed iffy, in the end this was just an average verse, nothing good but at the same time nothing terrible, had you had better subject matter and progressed through the story with the same ease you would have put up a good fight, the mechanics need minor tweaking as well and it helps if you proofread but overall this was decent

    metasin, progression was done equally as well if not better seeing as how the flow was smooth throughout the entire verse, never extraordinary but just smooth enough to keep the reader going, the story in itself was somewhat slightly creative but really nothing that hasn't been done before, i liked how it started and the imagery was good, the emotion was there as well, again nothing spectacular but more than enough to keep me reading, the strongest point was the flow and story progression, you moved through the events with ease while never letting up on flow and you also flowed flawlessly without ever using unnatural words or sacrificing the content/subject matter for flow, overall this was still just good and definately not great but the potential as a great writer shines through, the script was more interesting than the drug/traffic story and the flow was smoother which rates this story higher in my memory as opposed to the opposition

    overall the decision was easy although both parties showed up and had there pros and cons, vote - metasin
    test
  12. M-theory

    M-theory Saint Esprit

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2001
    Messages:
    38,468
    Star - this was refreshing to read from most verses i've read (and written) the past couple of weeks. it was nice to see someone just recite from more of a layman's perspective and still have some readability in it... at the same time it seemed to just be going through the motions.... there was nothing i felt was really special about the verse, and there was nothing that was terrible about it... it was just there.


    Meta - your verse was nicely written, and more consistent throughout... i think you have a good grasp on pacing your story, that's probably the most impressive part about your verse... the story was there, not sure about the familiarity of it having any positive or negative affect on it at all, though it would have been nice to see some things come through stronger or just that you'd be able to hit harder throughout... i know it's probably supposed to be expected that there should be a big swerve at the end, but yours didn't really excite me. it made sense to do it though. i just wasn't excited by the verse... i am kinda tired though so i don't know...

    vote - MetaSin
    test
  13. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2002
    Messages:
    2,082
    test
  14. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    I read this one the other day but didn't have time to vote... but the vote is clear...

    Vote Metasin...

    starscreen, u need to work out the kinks in your flow and also pull the piece together more...

    Metasin outshined on the flow and the verse and it was really an easy decision... however your topic could have been a little bit more original, and that can haunt you when u face the BIG BOYS in the league...
    test
  15. -Sephiroth-

    -Sephiroth- Geostigmatic

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2007
    Messages:
    441
    StarScreen, your piece was decent, it had some imagery. The mechanics was lacking a little, but overall it wasn't bad.

    Meta, the piece was great, i thought it had everything, good flow, imagery, emotion, mechanics.

    vote - metasin
    test
  16. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2001
    Messages:
    25,850
    MetaSin wins 8-0 in votes
    Last 2 votes deducted due to lack of explanation (2 lines per verse)
    MetaSin still wins 6-0 in votes
    StarScreen fails to post links, Meta fails to post 1 link
    Also, Baron Mynd fails to vote on at least 4 matches, therefore his vote does not count
    Metasin still wins 4-(-4) in votes
    test
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