[WK 3]Insanevillian 2-0 v. inkwell (chris) 2-0

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Feb 25, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

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  2. inkwell (chris)

    inkwell (chris) Spontaneous Bop Prosody

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  3. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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  4. inkwell (chris)

    inkwell (chris) Spontaneous Bop Prosody

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    Your grandmother passes away and you meet up with family you haven’t seen in a long time. At the stage the smiles come out you can’t keep your eyes off your cousin’s new partner. After a few drinks you both get to talking and end up sleeping together. As you both return back to the group everyone gives you a blank stare.


    We eye fucked from a distance.
    A side way glance that said “hi, come and get this.”
    She was a fine summer princess,
    Moved like how the smoke would rise from some incense.
    But I’ve come to my wits end.
    I can’t be in love with this chick when,
    She came with my cousin,
    Wants to share a last name with my cousin,
    But you can tell its getting hot in here…
    Like the gauge on an oven.
    Plus this isn’t the time or place,
    Beside the grave,
    Of my grandmother, and my mother’s crying face.
    But now the smiles are coming, even if the smiles are fake,
    The attitude is remembrance, the wine is grape.

    My cousin left her side to give his condolences.
    Her and I crossed paths by the wine and the bowl of chips.
    A smile formed on both our lips,
    She asked me if I wanted to go and sit.
    The conversation was loaded with,
    Tones of pissed and loneliness.
    She said her and my cousin were so over with,
    Slid closer in, and gave me a look that I wont forget.

    My cousin was still over talking to a bunch of my aunts,
    Trading memories, like how well my grandmother could dance.
    How she tended to her garden, how she loved all her plants,
    And how you couldn’t beat her in checkers, there wasn’t a chance.
    My aunt Kathy said she brought home movies, but they were back at the church.
    My cousin yelled “Honey can you run back to the church?!”
    She agreed but looked back at me first,
    I was looking at the back of her skirt.
    She said “follow me,” it was then that it occurred,
    To me, this idea that was bad just got worse.

    But I did follow her, looked back hoping and pleading,
    That no one had seen it, this had to be totally secret.
    Once in the church, I had a change of heart,
    This is how danger starts, I would grab the tapes and dart.
    She pulled me into a room, flipped the switch and made it dark,
    Should I do it…..?










    [​IMG]

    I couldn’t resist.
    And knew I would regret the decision,
    To get in bed with this vixen,
    Could hear my cousin say “I’ll never forgive him.”
    I was in a panic now,
    Looking for my pants, her blouse,
    Mad at myself, god damn it how?
    Told her ”don’t just stand around!”
    “How long has it been? You think anyone saw us?”
    “We gotta get back out there or they definitely caught us!”

    We dressed and cleaned and left the scene.
    I could tell she was as out of breath as me.
    I’ve never been so nervous in my life,
    Felt like I was scheduled for surgery tonight.
    My heart was damn near beating through my chest.
    Now we were in sight, they seen us on the steps.
    I’m breathing ever breathe, like there’s needles in my chest.
    Palms so sweaty, felt like I was out at sea and getting wet.
    Now were face to face, under the pressure of a hundred stares,
    Blank, curious, like we showed up in nothing but our underwear.
    Oh fuck, the rest know! We’re caught! Exposed!
    As I was about to run, grab her arm and yell “Let’s go!”
    My aunt Kathy said innocently…



    “Soo… did you get the movie’s kids?”



    Oops.
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  5. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
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    BOOM!!!

    A Star Is Born


    Part I

    No Directions


    i play tunes on the street corner in order to eat
    and buy a quarter of weed, the only things important to me
    fortunately i'm not alone, i also have two friends who don't like home
    we play a cyclone of music till people glare at us like psychos
    i might go places but i CHOOSE to stay nameless
    in this world of tasteless morons in need of a facelift
    face it, the world is fucked up and i like having no responsibility
    i wouldn't mind being rich, but i like living ••••ymously
    but i have animosity to all those people out lurkin'
    that look down on me cuz for survival i'm couch surfin'
    i could be out workin' a job for these crooked corporations
    in hopes they'll change, but like kevorkian i'm losin' my patience
    maybe i'm dumb, but to society i locked my door
    till the day i met the only female to truly rock my world

    Part II

    When Dreams Become Reality


    she approached one day and told me, " i like your music
    your hands use that guitar well, come over later and abuse this"
    i began to lose it as she lifted her skirt revealin' pink lips
    to sink ships into, i would eat this till i see the next eclipse
    i beat this dick into her fetus on our first date
    i haven't been laid in months, i wrecked it in the worst way
    heard her say,"i'm also in the business and i got connections"
    "okay" i murmered as my erection threatened to give her a c section
    in reflection, she must have known my group had skills
    she had looks that kill, i would never again have to look for meals

    Part III

    Stardom


    when we hit mtv our group was more popular than std's
    i took a long walk down my block, i'd never again see these streets
    and it was depressin' me, people used to look at me like i was nothin'
    the money was great, but isolation wasn't what i wanted
    so i stayed blunted as fans would scream if i was in sight
    becoming famous was the biggest mistake i made in my life
    i'm not rhyming great right now, but fuck it i'm pissed
    that girl i got pregnant wasn't only suckin' my dick
    for the love of my kid, is he? i'm throwin' her in the street
    cuz i heard she fucked the guy that got US into the industry

    Part IV

    Fork in the Road


    as she came into the house i told her, "Pack your shit...
    i did the math u bitch!" and suddenly her laughter hit
    she smirked, "I was actually gonna tell u that you will die...
    no one will believe i killed u with your songs about suicide"
    "No Courtney, I Don't Wanna Die!" i screamed as a shot hurt my brain
    that fuckin' bitch killed me, not myself - signed, Kurt Cobain

    I'm so happy, cuz today i found my friends, their in my head - Nirvana "Lithium"
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  6. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    19,109
    enjoyable reads guys ..

    Ink - before I forget .. "I’m breathing ever breathe.." < huh? .. apart from the wording throwing me and forcing me to stop reading to review this line .. the flow was good .. for text, it 'looks' like the lines are too varied in length to flow as well as this did .. but the rhymes did feel like they hit at the right times for this to lace a beat .. the ending made me laugh as you made a subtle but nice twist on the "blank stare" part of the topic .. worked well and I enjoyed the piece .. a well written story and a well balanced open mic .. good stuff ..

    IV - haha .. cool little twist on the author .. the read was steady and solid but didn't read quite as fluidly as inkwell's .. decent rhyming with regards to vocab in the multis .. I did have my mind wonder during Part II when I had a few flashbacks of last night's :) .. like I said, I liked how you flipped the reality aspect so that it makes the whole thing based on a true story .. just branded with your own flavour on it .. another straight read with little negatives ..

    Vote = Inkwell .. this is pretty close in most technical issues with the only real difference (with those in mind) is that Ink's piece had a stronger flow for me .. but there wasn't really anything wrong with IV's .. so I take this to where votes are at their best .. "personnal preference" .. it's a credit to you both that this battle allows this kind of vote .. cos so many battles can be voted/brokendown and a vote is based more like "Vote=MC A - cos his mechanics outshone even tho MC A's verse wasn't that intereting" .. I like humour in verses and again .. you both bought that .. in the end .. overall .. I just found that Ink's verse entertained me more ..

    good shit though fellas .. hope you appreciate the long winded vote ..
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  7. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Ink - the story leads are meant to put you in a plot and you write from there...taking the lead itself and just putting it into rhyme is about as creative as well, nothing really...also, you had some odd wording like this:

    She said “follow me,” it was then that it occurred,
    To me, this idea that was bad just got worse.

    The "To me," is completely odd and off beat here and to me the whole piece just carried this same tone and where I thought you might save it with a clever ending, the "oops" did not suffice to save the piece.

    IV - ok, so I hate this style, the whole breaking everything down into parts, it breaks up the smooth flow of the piece and you use it more as a cop out to not have to write smooth transitions. Anyway I think it was kinda cool what you did with the piece although I don't think it holds any weight towards the factual reality of Cobain and not just in regards to the ending, but at the same time this ending was actually clever and creative.

    At the end of the day I think ink had better mechanics, but both verses were severely lacking although I think IV had the better ending.

    vote = IV for disappointing me less out of the two of you.
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  8. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    actually kurt cobain was a street urchin in olympia wa. for a little while before he got his career started...

    thanks for voting guys...
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  9. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
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    INk - Very nice twist on the outline, I really liked this story. It was very straight foward. The rhyme scheme was probably your strongest mechanical asset, because your flow kinda bobbed in and out. Sometimes the flow was perfect, sometimes, not so much. The story itself was well told, you had a very good writers voice and your imagery was solid. Although, I would've liked more emotion to evident in the verse, I can see how that would be hard though.

    IV - I liked the twist at the end, I definately did not see that coming. Your mechanics weren't as sharp as they usually were, but honestly that ending made up for everything the verse lacked. I mean, it was a decent body, but the lines were stretched and there was a lot of forced wording. However, I feel like the cleverness of you piece won you this match.

    Vote - IV...
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  10. Condescending

    Condescending New Member

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    Insane Villan: Your verse didnt really appeal as your flow started off nicely then slowly got worse as the verse progressed. You had some nice lines but I saw how you tried to tie different topics in together which was was clever idea but don't think you covered overall topic very well. Not a bad verse fam I think the flow could have been improved in areas.peace

    Inkwell: This verse was good and I liked how you progressed the topic throughout. The flow wasn't nothing special but you had a nice few multies tied in there that made it read easier. The story kept me reading and I Liked the idea of the storyline before I started reading it. Overall a decent piece fam,peace

    Overall vote= inkwell as I thought his verse was better in all departments
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  11. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    inkwell, creatively speaking this flow suffered, this was definately a literal take on the lead and offered nothing new to the reader, even the end which seemed to reveal some sort of climax ended up just being a close call and a weak ending for me, the flow was inconsistent which didnt aid the progression of what seemed to be a long and predictable storyline, there were some lines that sounded good and some that sounded terrible, in the end i felt as though if you had offered some sort of creativity to the lead you may have had a better shot but while reading i felt that i could quit at any time and still know what happened because you added nothing new to the subject and it really made for a boring and uninteresting read, decent delivery but terrible take on the topic, you have to find a balance between creativity and mechanics and once you do, you'll definately be a contender for the title, but until then....

    insanevillian, from the beginning the flow felt a bit rocky to me, a lot of words that weren't true rhymes in my mind, mechanically i expected more from you although i haven't actually read and IV verse in ages i guess i just expected so much because of the name brand, the rest of the verse met my new expectations and never really picked up but did enough to secure the win here, the ending was somewhat the strongpoint aside from part II which was strong and yet weird at the same time, i mean who flashes up there skirt and you can see there vagina while standing up, i dont know i just couldnt visualize it and the entire scene felt phony and lacked the elegant emotion that a love scene should incorporate yet it flowed well and captivated the raw "fucking" i suppose of what you were going for, the ending was a pleasant surprise but it still didn't save this piece as some endings do, nothing gave this that push to the next level and in the end i felt it was simply a decent showing with a better story and better creativity than your opponent

    therefore, vote - insanevillian
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  12. Baron Mynd

    Baron Mynd Swaggersaurus Rex

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    Im actually going with Ink here, I thought he had a much easier style to get into. It reminded me of Ribo a whole lot for those of you around to remember him... Very sort of freeflowing and effortless, but on the other hand fairly nice mechanically. I wont say it was completely original because the whole Incest thing has been done, and while it ended fairly abruptly, it was actually a pretty cool read that I did enjoy, even if sold a little short. It wasnt bad by any means and its great to see him back...

    Similarly with IV to be honest, I didnt dig his style as much as I did Inks here but he didnt do badly. What perhaps made me lean more Inks way is that Ive covered the whole Cobain bio myself in a previous piece, and it was mentioned to me then that I wasnt the first to of done it, so it put you almost at a disadvantage from the off and I feel it could of cost you here with the originality factor going more to Ink. All in all it was a solid verse, the votes thus far show that this one is going to go right down to the wire, but based on my own personal opinion, Im going to have to go with Inkwell this time sound. He just had the more enjoyable verse overall for me, and the slightly more original piece. Good battle fellas...


    Vote - Inkwell
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  13. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

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    vote- IV... Inkwell's verse flowed very well, but I was under the impression you were supposed expand on the scenario, i.e. the family's reactions, etc... You told us in rhyme form, exactly what your topic did... Dissapointing cuz you would've probably got my vote otherwise...

    IV's wasn't bad, and the twist at the end makes sense, tho a very surprising twist. I think the thing that got me, was i didn't really like the rhyme structure or flow of the verse. It kinda plodded along until the end. But you stuck to the topic, and seemed to describe things relatively decent.
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  14. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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  15. inkwell (chris)

    inkwell (chris) Spontaneous Bop Prosody

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    pending no more votes, good battle IV. close one, 4-3. ive learned a lot from the last couple of weeks constructive criticisms and think my verses will be a lot better from here on out. thanks guys.
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  16. M-theory

    M-theory Saint Esprit

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    Tough vote.

    Although people seem to be commenting on the the idea of the scenario Inkwell used, not as a story lead like I guess some of you think it should be...... that doesn't deter me from enjoying his submission. It's still a disciplined writing, he stayed on topic the whole time. Maybe a lack of creativity in expanding, yes, but we could have all done the same thing and the verses would all still be done differently. There was still some originality to it, it flowed well, and I don't have any complaints. It was there, and there was enough detail to call it a story as opposed to a summary.

    As I said, this is a tough vote... I wasn't completely into Insanevillain's verse. Parts of the story were over expanded with details that were kind of clever but just.... i really don't know... one one hand it's hard to say how everything in this verse connected... but on the other hand, the main objectives of each verse or at least the topics of each verse connect together to bring us to the end and learn what we're dealing with. it seems like the outline is more important than everything in its entirety. i guess though if you remove all that stuff, it doesn't really take away from the piece anything important because it's still inserted into your verses somehow.... and that makes it progressive. i'm not sure that doing all the titles as an outline does anything positive, though it is cool to see how you did that, but you could have progressed the story better without them maybe.

    i guess my vote goes to Insanevillain, but not by a landslide.
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  17. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    Insanevillian wins 5-3 in votes
    Both post voting links
    After further review, 2 of Insanevillian's links prove illegitimate
    However, Baron Mynd has failed to vote on at least 4 battles, therefore his vote does not count
    Insanevillian still wins 3-2
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