[WK 3]Got Life? 11-4 v. -Sephiroth- 1-1

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Feb 25, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

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  2. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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  3. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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  4. DannyC

    DannyC Stay golden, pony boy.

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    -seph- just pm'ed me his verse.

    he's in.

    here it is:

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  5. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Fork in the Road

    Fork in the Road

    "You went out with that girl today right?"
    "My God. When I saw her it was like…"​

    Explosions inducing a symphony of romantic expressions,
    I was frantic in my confessions during introductory sessions,
    Standing transfixed with glassy eyes as talk resumed,
    Like my heart and soul were instantly consumed within her womb,
    Lingering upon every note her voice would attain,
    And I didn't refrain from divulging a heart full of pain,
    Looking for some sympathetic adulation since I had an infatuation,
    But she countered me with cramps caused by her menstruation,
    Oh what a temptation, as we traversed upon a moonlit beach,
    As I walked mesmerized with such an angel within reach.

    "Yea, that's great to hear man, so tell me more."
    "Seconds, you know. The day went on like…"​

    The intoxication of frozen roses surrounded our rendezvous,
    While cupid strummed a golden harp as he casually flew,
    As I became engulfed within the ocean that is she,
    She gave me glimmers of a beauty that overpowered history,
    Not even Helen of Troy, Cleopatra, Eve, or Aphrodite,
    Could dispense me of the longing that I have for my dear Heidi,
    As constellations froze within the twinkle in her gaze,
    I moved beyond lovers gone that once had sparked my craze,
    Her essence holding such a glorious surreal demeanor,
    Yet no matter what I said or did, nothing could deceive her,

    "Wow bro..sounds like things went great.
    I'm glad to hear you're dating again."
    "It lasted an eternity. Basically though she was like…"​

    Withdrawn, as though she was trapped in quarrel over a wager lost,
    Apparently I had to pay the cost to de-thaw her veins of frost,
    As she scornfully gazed down upon me like I was a menace to her peace,
    Anxiously counting down the seconds until the day would cease,
    Shaking with animosity as a putrid look came upon her face,
    Making it seem as though she'd readily abolish grace from her embrace,
    And how her eyes turned serpentine giving me a cold hearted shoulder,
    As if she wished she could smother me beneath a boulder,
    So as the date moved past the climax at a crashing pace,
    She fanned away my wish to kiss and slapped me in the face!

    "And that was that man."
    "You're still talking like you're in love with her?"
    "Damn. Head over heels my friend. Head over heels."

    [​IMG]
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  6. Baron Mynd

    Baron Mynd Swaggersaurus Rex

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    Okay...


    I dont know how pushed Seph was this week, but I didnt feel this piece stood on its own as previous verses by him have for me. It had everything in there it needed, the wording was on point, a strong vocab, it shifted along smoothly, but for some reason the whole thing just didnt pull together for me into something enjoyable or engaging for me as a reader. I just didnt connect with it, it all felt a bit flat, almost reliant on the mechanics to the point the enjoyment was stripped from it. This isnt anywhere near the standard I KNOW this guy can write at, and it actually disappointed me a little because I know how well this guy CAN write. He seemed pre-occupied with other things here, it had a rushed feel to it that I couldnt shake as I read it. This part reminded me of some Eminem track too:

    Lol. It's just such an odd rhyme it stands out. You had an okay verse this week, dont get me wrong, eveything in there are the ingredients for a good verse - It just didnt pool toggether into anything more than that for me.

    Got Life? - This piece was a lot shorter than some of yours, I'm used to reading lengthier pieces that progress gradually, but this wasnt bad - Some precise wording in there, very visual as it reads, good for the imagery behind it. I wasnt a huge fan of the speech interjections to be completely honest, but thats just me, it didnt take anything away from the piece at all. You did more than enough to win here, but I think Seph could of made more than a match for you had he shown up like I know he's capable of. Lol. Pretty evenly matched battle here to be fair, but I think Got Life should get this one fairly comfortably...


    Vote - Got Life?
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  7. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    sephiroth, the first thing that stopped me reading was the 6:00 PM 7:00 PM line, i feel as though you tried WAY TOO HARD to fit your lines into a box format when it clearly wasn't necessary, reading "SIX O'CLOCK PM, SEVEN O'CLOCK PM' really threw the flow off which before was damn near spot on, in the end this was actually fairly good for the most part executionally speaking, your flow stayed steady in most cases aside from some lines that seemed a bit wordy, and you stuck to the script/story and delivered what you intended to deliver (or so it seemed), the main problem i find with your verse however is while reading i felt as though i got lost in the flow but in actuality i was lost in the bore of your content, you offered nothing new/exciting/even remotely interesting to your reader and it just felt like the entire verse was filler, simple street schemes with actually a good ending for what it was worth but the entire plot just never held my attention, overall i feel you tackled a subject well that shouldn't have been tackled in the first place, creativity was shot

    got life?, another let down and yet a bit of a surprise, from first glance this didnt appear to be a got life verse and made me question whether you recycled a piece from a long time ago, while reading the langauge and maturity was strong and you painted vivid pictures, the overall content fit the script and although the story in the end was rather bland, i felt as though you offered more to the reader, a much more interesting and engaging piece that ended rather rapidly but also realistically, i enjoyed the approach that at first i felt rather distant towards but when i re-read you transformed a simple, casual dialogue between two buddies about a girl into a poetic and interesting conversation that still fit into the standards of the story, the flow was off an on for me while never really being completely off but definately better at times than others, the title and picture didnt really seem to fit the storyline either which also makes me question the fact that you wrote this for this week but for what its worth i liked it

    in the end, this is actually closer than i had expected, i enjoyed reading both and while seph would have been solid, he fell short on content that has been overused not only in writing leagues but in music as a whole and it really did nothing for me in that sense, as a reader it was a nice and easy story but in the end i felt the same, got life on the other hand was probably equal in execution for the most part minus his language skills and yet his content was much more interesting and really showcased his writing talent

    i could see this going either way depending on the maturity/skill/reading level of the reader, but i have to vote for - got life? in a close one, had seph delivered something more original this may have been an upset
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  8. Condescending

    Condescending New Member

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    Got Life: I dissagree with quirosity I thought your verse was short and sweet. You managed to translate your idea into words really well so I could picture it in my head as I was reading it. Your vocab and wording was good too and the piece flowed really nice and would happy to read on if the verse had been longer, I cant criticize it negatively coz I enjoyed reading it!!peace

    P.s got life reason my mechanics are never on point is coz I dont take enough time writing my verse I will make sure too next week!

    Seph: I got lost with your story a quarter of the way through and like quirosity said you conentrated too much on your flow and failed to deliver anything remotley captivating. The topic was a hard topic in my opinion and may you learn from it. On a positive note, your rhyming is good you just need better mechanics.Peace

    Overall vote= got life
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  9. inkwell (chris)

    inkwell (chris) Spontaneous Bop Prosody

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    seph - the first half of your verse was great. the second half not so much. i was really digging your verse, the points to left and right thing.. fire... but then it fizzled out.

    got - i liked this quite a bit actually, the speech interjections were tight for me as Q started to pick up on a ways into his vote. your a good story teller, good imagery, writers voice, if only you could rhyme worth a damn you'd be there bro :p

    vote - gl
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  10. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

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    i think both topics were equally common... so in regards to execution I'm a little bit torn here.

    Got Life- You definitely articulate emotions well, and you play to the sense well also. Your vocab comes off as intellectual, yet fluid. The dialogue is adds to the depth of what you're actual verse is saying, but it makes you sound pathetically in love or on the rebound after being broken-hearted. It was almost funny to me, but I don't know if that was your intent. It was very short also....

    Seph- i loved the flow and feel of your verse... i also think that although your concept wasn't too original, it mirrored my first mental image of what i would write about looking at the picture you chose. I think in the end, that'll be the biggest downfall... I chose not to do the topic, because i felt it wouldn't have been that creative had I gone that route. I think you did it well, but halfway through the verse it just wasn't as interesting, almost like you were rehashing the ideas over... Still a good verse...

    vote Got Life cuz i liked the way in which he did his topic.
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  11. M-theory

    M-theory Saint Esprit

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    I liked reading both these pieces...

    Got's verse was a little different than the previous verses I've seen, but I settled into it pretty quickly. There's something about it that comes off so sophisticated.

    I think one of the major differences between the two pieces was the way they each flowed, and Got's piece picked up the slack where Seph may have overshot his boundary. My example has nothing to do with the "6:00 pm, 7:00pm," not sure whether it really affected my reading, as I didn't read the "O'clock" and I'm not sure why anyone would. What I noticed right from the get go was the use of "unrecognizable" right at the end of the first line, and the follow up of trying to multi it in the next. I think that springs upon you and it's like getting over a hump before you start riding smoothly down the verse... except it wasn't smooth all the way through.

    Seph was good at showing the tone of verse and keeping it there, no hump in trying to establish the mood and uphold it.

    I think what MetaSin said about Got being articulate definitely rings true. It always seems to play a factor.

    Vote = Got Life?
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  12. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    Vote Got life

    Seph had a good written piece and i enjoyed it, but the way Got Life's Piece was put together won this one for him...

    it was just funner to read, and it made me wonder what the relationship would turn into...

    sorry for the short explanation i was pressed for time, it will be made up next week...
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  13. -Sephiroth-

    -Sephiroth- Geostigmatic

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  14. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    ^ nice to finally see a sign of life out of you...
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  15. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    Got Life? wins 7-0 in votes
    1 voted deducted due to lack of explanation (2 lines per verse)
    Sephiroth fails to post 2 links
    After further review, 1 of Seph's links prove illegitimate
    Also, Baron Mynd fails to vote on at least 4 matches, therefore his vote does not count
    Got Life? still wins 5-(-3) in votes
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