[WK 3]Eye-Rime 14-2 v. Pain 1-0 (Needs Votes!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Feb 25, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

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    test
  2. Eye-Rime

    Eye-Rime the intellectual.

    Joined:
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    test
  3. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Good luck hombre.

    Fork In The Road​


    I never really knew her, but her thoughts and eyes,
    Showed me the perfect girl that we all describe,
    She was average height,
    But she seemed to dream till her thoughts and her eyes gazed passed the sky...

    ...I was happy for my friend, he had found the cool,
    But cool was somethin' he was bound to lose,
    So I sat by myself, I would watch from afar,
    While he was politicin', she would talk with the stars,
    And I would look down, start countin' my scars,
    As she would look up and reach out to his heart,
    Yet he turned her down, as he split from his reach, sad,
    Cuz guys like me can only wish for what he had,
    I kept at the game, became mad astranged,
    Cuz every girl I got close to attached a chain,
    And I felt weighed down, like I couldn't expand,
    Thinkin' if I was him, I woulda took it and ran,
    But I kept on writin' the next song,
    Tryin' to set off the light that would guide me to best love,
    I won't lie, I was jealous, I wished I was he,
    But I still kept searchin' for a girl that would linger with me...

    ...Life is full of choices, full of chances to grow,
    Sometimes you gotta go left at the fork in the road,
    Sometimes you gotta leave other people behind,
    Sometimes they wanna see you fail, reach for the sky,
    So to those that have come and gone, I say peace,
    I rose to another thought, and stayed me,
    So if you're really my friend, you'll respect my decisions,
    Be happy that I'm happy, cuz I never was grinnin'...

    ...They dated for years, he left her, I don't know why,
    Maybe he needed a solo flight,
    I almost laughed when it happened, I couldn't imagine,
    What she did to make leaving his main reaction,
    Maybe, he never felt the pain I trap in,
    Maybe, he couldn't see the rays she casted,
    I don't really know, but after the split,
    She started chillin' with us, just passin' a spliff,
    He moved on, found a new chick to cruise with,
    While we and his ex would move piff to music,
    But me n her sang a different music, in tune with,
    The truth in our hearts, we knew shit was hard,
    So we would chill, we would talk, we would pass the time,
    With anything and everything that grasped our minds,
    There was no stopping her body next to me,
    Our first kiss felt like destiny...

    [​IMG]

    ...So here I am at the crossroads,
    Writin' a lost poem, like an apostle,
    Wishin' that this friction would be lifted and gone so,
    We could move on and be friends like we were before all broke,
    But my heart got in the way this time,
    I like it though, it might just grow a change of mind,
    I wish you could see this was more than a trifle,
    Me and her have something that most people fight for...

    ...I sit with her, chillin' all the while in heaven,
    Cuz I'd die just to see you smile forever,
    I'm sure it's worth it, everytime you work in,
    All those little words that you say so perfect,
    I don't know what I did to deserve this,
    But your lips provide a cure to the shit that hurts him,
    I thought every wish, would sprint by stars,
    Until I found you and you were in my arms,
    I feel like Picasso couldn't paint our kiss,
    His strokes would fall short of the graceful bliss,
    Not too many people know the love that we know,
    True romantics who found that someone to hold,
    I started to think that love was corny, it fails,
    And what I wanted was only found in stories and tales,
    But then I found you, and I'm glad that I did,
    Because you found me, and our path became lit...

    ...I could steal the sun, I feel like million bucks,
    I wonder, is this real enough?
    Cuz she holds me down like a ceilin' does,
    And everytime we hold hands more feelins bud,
    Most people only rarely deal with love,
    But I sense it, everytime I feel her touch,
    And I'll miss you, but I won't miss bein' blue,
    She makes me happy, I won't miss seein' you...

    [​IMG]
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  4. Eye-Rime

    Eye-Rime the intellectual.

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    659
    Good shit pain, but here goes nuffin…






    "Mr. Dave Bell"
    By Eye-Rime


    . . .

    Rain drops fall from Heaven parallel to my tears
    Skin pressed up to the pane, watching hell interfere
    So often the evil whispers, but I repel with my ears
    Privately, I pray to God, though he seldom can hear
    And then at times, I feel as though my melon is clear
    Opening lips, only to speak a silent yell to my peers
    Have I failed in my years? I often ask the question
    Thinking back at my life and of my past aggression
    Was past depression, cos if I’d looked past perception
    Maybe I would've seen it and surpassed deception
    But life's fast progression blurs the rest in its path
    Leaving my cheeks wet and pressed to the glass
    My methods were mad; ten years from this moment
    That day in my ma’s garage and the fear of her knowing
    I remember me holding my dick and then…
    Me pretending I knew of which hole I would stick it in
    Glowing with innocence, I got my shoes and adjusted
    Chest crushed and heart racing cos I knew I had busted
    Confusion combusted my brains; my past was distorted
    When after 3 years she told me that she had an abortion
    It staggered my Forces; my jacket changed to a casket
    Walking with hell, my heart was nearly mangled to ashes
    I was lost; my feelings started rearranging the madness
    Contemplating death by seeing my feet dangle in flashes
    But pain is elastic, and I kept it moving of course
    Always knowing I felt the evils, but refusing the source
    Illusions would force me into a deep sweat in the night
    Shaking in satin sheets while laying next to my wife
    No direction in sight
    So I wiped my head with my sweaty hands
    Praying to end my life until he gave me a second chance
    And now that I have a meaning and my future awaits me
    I sit at the windowsill thinking, “Why does He hate me?”
    Picturing the face and beautiful eyes of my daughter
    I wouldn’t trade her for the world if God decided to barter
    I thought I had found my purpose, so profound and perfect
    But after I heard the news, I just pulled down the curtain
    It sounded certain, I wouldn’t even be around to birth it
    Thought I escaped my evils... but I've found the serpent
    My frown was worth it, as I dwell over safe sex…
    The glass fell, and then my blood and brains fell on her face next
    Glancing up at the window and watching my body hang
    Still holding her ears shut from the sound of the shotty’s bang
    And in my last seconds, I heard a yell as the page fell
    Which read, "Sorry, we mixed your results with a Dave Bale"


    . . .

    The End.





    test
  5. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Pain - this was by no means my favorite piece from you, but at the same time you definitely brought a killer flow and strong writers voice to the table. Also I really liked the take you put on that topic and flipping it into what you did with the piece. To me it worked and showed better mechanics and a more thoughtout conclusion.

    Q - arite man I see what you tried to do here, but c'mon...the first 10 or so bars was just a lot of rhyming, but it was all filler, just like most of this piece and you used a lot of the easiest rhyming words too, it was a real cop out to me. Plus at the end of the day I figure you thought you were gonna die from an STD so you killed yourself before your daughter was born, but there's really no explanation or clarity behind the piece, it was just really blah to me.

    I think this battle was Q's to win, but his piece didn't have the depth to carry it out.

    vote = Pain.
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  6. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

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    test
  7. inkwell (chris)

    inkwell (chris) Spontaneous Bop Prosody

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    definately two good verses. dont have a lot of time for individual break downs. Pain your verse seemed really long to me.. didnt count the bars, if its line limit then it just read slow which isnt good either. The story was average, two guys 1 girl blah blah. the emotion was the strong point here. the rhymes were above average but not great, and i guess this is just me, but the mising of flowerly poetic language with random "street" or drug slang always bothers me.
    Q the rhyming was much better, the story didnt exactly flow smoothly but it was entertaining and the ending hit like a pile of bricks. well worded too. gj.


    vote - eye rime
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  8. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
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  9. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    had to rehash my verse cuz of an error on my behalf...

    i liked the first piece a lot, but i'm pretty sure that was over the line max... i liked the flow, and structure of the verse... I think it flowed extremely well, and the emotions were articulated nicely... The topic was nothing groundbreaking, but the fact that it was done well imo, made it more than suitable.

    2nd verse.. on second read, the suicide ending makes more sense... for w/e reason while i was reading i had this image of you in the hospital looking out one of the huge windows, rehashing the events of the past... Obviously you weren't at the hospital, thus giving you more time, and making the premeditated suicide make much more sense, in my eyes... On first read i thought the verse was good, until the ending which i didn't like and was the primary reason for me voting against you.

    Vote Eye....
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  10. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    ^ Q I would make a rule about this for the future as to not letting people change their votes an hour after they cast it in the other direction...
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  11. M-theory

    M-theory Saint Esprit

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    38,468
    Pain - I think your piece had some of the same troubles that my own pieces seem to have... leaving more to be desired.... When I finished reading your verse, and scrolled down the second picture, I was kind of expecting another verse beneath it. I wasn't really sure whether it was finished or not the way you wrapped it up either. I think the first verse had more of an ending to it than the second one. You had to sort of reestablish the 'now' from where you left off.
    On the other hand the whole thing just read well. I liked the style you used. I liked the way you strung your words. No exuberant areas of rhyme that could forward the story in a big way to blow my mind, but you still managed to intrigue and retain the solidness of your verses just the way you broke everything down.

    Eye - The thing I liked about this as opposed to Pain's piece was there was a defined ending in sight... ironically and especially when you said "No direction in sight" plus I saw where the verse stopped. And the line you delivered as your ending was in stone. Even if there was a picture below it, you knew that it could be the end.
    There was something about reading it though that just made my head scream "multi multi rhyme rhyme, multi, rhyme, rhyme, multi.... " because that's what this was. I always seemed to like the beginnings of each line better than the ends. There didn't seem to be really any part throughout the entire thing where I felt I was making any progress in adding up the story. I can vertically cut your verse in half straight down the middle, and just reading left half of it is more fulfilling.

    It made seeing the ending to this verse, despite the mechanics you showed, all more of a relief than it would have been after reading Pain's verse.


    Vote = Pain
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  12. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    I apologize i only have a short period to vote but here it goes...

    Pain, well first of all i'm gonna say this... i am biased against most love stories but this one was cool... nothing amazing in the content but overall good emotion and easy to follow...

    Eye Rhyme... iono, i saw the rhyme scheme in the flow, but there was ALOT of description almost overkill... i think you could have added more to the story to make your twist a little bit more special...

    at the end of the day i vote...

    Pain... i like joe kraq's imagery but pains verse inched it out with easy to get into content...
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  13. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    25,850
    Pain wins 3-2 in votes
    Both post voting links
    Pain exceeds the line limit resulting in a 1 vote deduction
    Match ends in a tie with 2-2 in votes



    *it has just come to my attention that you went over the line limit by at least 20 lines, seeing as how i am signing out and do not wish nor care to take a DQ win, i only deducted a vote instead of giving you an L and you will also advance and therefore my pretty record will be salvaged, i hope this pleases all parties because this is really far more fair in your favor versus the alternative

    i also just read your verse, nice job pain, we'll meet again
    test
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