[WK 3]Condescending 0-2 v. Craccer_Jacc 0-0

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Feb 25, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

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  2. Craccer_Jacc

    Craccer_Jacc SudAnillyst

    Joined:
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  3. Condescending

    Condescending New Member

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    im in....can I have an extension until tomoro.peace
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  4. Craccer_Jacc

    Craccer_Jacc SudAnillyst

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    Eyes of a Murderer ... Lips of a Saint

    (*singing at a whisper* you are soo beautiful.....to- me)





    love u are very pretty the most beautiful girl on the planet
    taken for granted .....
    the subject forcen me to subject myself to acts of pull puppet
    dont pass judgement she loves hearing exquisite my hearts fearing visits to her cusputs
    blood drips secure..
    i love her pure
    for in blood life is born and i'm sure love is formed from life so i swore to bleed freely in her sight ...magdalene at midnight
    her hair, lips, and eye color tight
    her ears find delight in my plights encoded in praise
    lines in her face were a'maze' ing the way she loses me when our lips are grazing ..
    i'll play the cow producen fluid...
    u play the arrow shooten through cupid
    the labrynths foundation ruined my memories squeezed to juices ..
    but yes love U ARE BEAUTIFUL....




    you never new beauty comes from within ..and vanity breeds grim
    now everyone who passes u will leave a thousand words of sin





    look at me i look in the mirror and see my shell
    cant believe myself this rehabilitated Winehouse in skin that "cells"
    entraped in my looks like checc with rooks
    hell couldnt group mind spooks like the ones in my soup...
    tisk tisk...
    1 kiss and thats even more calories i need to burn from my lips...
    and u...
    an island few can evacuate
    "your paints flip the blank your pencil makes it play new days bloom when your hands hit clay"
    at least thats what i say as i sit n wait
    "what will u paint today?"
    "what color is my rinse?"
    you juss say i'm beautiful and your hands start to clinch
    i wince on the inside
    i watch as your touch glides the canvas pretty and i wish it was mine..
    i could call u perfect then i remember my reflect
    my complection is my purpose .. my life.. my reject





    you never new beauty comes from within ..and vanity breeds grim
    now everyone who passes u will leave a thousand words of sin




    she walks in the door he's drinken away sores on the floor is a picture frame, red paint, and 2 swords his eyes read adoren she stumbles forward looks in warning like red riding hood or anyother folk lore storing a moral fear fly's in roaring... and he dosent even blink... he whispers she's beautiful and then she starts to think about what he exibits she asks for forgiveness

    "i'm just your modeling spark!"he says "your more then juss a muse your an exhibit of art"
    1 flicc of his wrist and the room goes dark
    like a shark he brushes passed her
    she giggles cause she's after a place to run like cancer
    cryen baby and he answers

    "love you must admit us meeting was a gift i praise u and u give me heaven well at least a glimpse"
    she hears his hands rinse her veins tense everything goes silent the she sees the swords tip..
    the cut was quik didnt scream juss closed her eyes and let her skin go
    he cleaned ,dressed n sat her in a chair in front of the window...




    you never new beauty comes from within ..and vanity breeds grim
    now everyone who passes u will leave a thousand words of sin





    *backs up singen* .... you are so beautiful tooooooOOOOOOOOOOO..............................Jacc



    *strolls out*



    [​IMG]
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  5. Condescending

    Condescending New Member

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    De Ja Vu

    I know the streets are cold and swallow it's occupants
    Homeless people stop so tense, wondering what offence
    Officers have pinned on their hollow frames......
    They walk, then stop again, panting from the lack of oxygen
    That their lungs can enhail through their nostrils....
    I should know, I was homeless and graced the streets presence
    Committing each fellon in an attempt to eat better
    I'd smash through windows and steal sweaters
    I was obsessd with food but it wasn't a meal fetish
    I was starving constantly and could feel the pain in my bones
    Which led me to rob people as well as stealing phones
    I'd discard of the phones chips then i'd stamp with emotion
    I was trapped in the streets of New York with no coat on
    Surrounded by dealers that would show boat their dosages
    in order to rope hopless kids in....

    I'd sleep on park benches and cry myself to sleep
    As I wanted this life to end, only not in the street
    I wanted to get back on my feet and maybe get a job
    and sleep on a real matress so that way id be better of
    i'd looked at a few places and estimated how much the rent would cost
    I looked at small apartments that had a spare room for freinds to rock
    Anyway I escaped that lifestyle , infact now its quite the opposite
    Now I have a lot of chips, a big house attached to a garage
    with a lock on it....if you could see me now you'd drop ya botttom lip
    and have to stop and sit to catch ya breathe as ya lungs cant
    quite take in what you see...im now a devoted charity worker
    helping people like me, that can't eat on the streets have a sense of pride
    I make lost people feel like men when I, let them stay in my pen for a night
    I cant help but help them and try and get them through....
    Coz everytime I see a homeless guy I feel a sense of de ja vu!!!!

    There it is
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  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    craccer - this was all over the place, the structure really threw off the piece with a really shaky and terribly broken up flow...the lines you used for repetition weren't very good and didn't help the piece...there was a major lack of transition throughout the entire piece...there was just a total lack of clarity and focus here.

    con - I don't know what it is with you, you seem to come up with a decently clever idea and just never carry it out...this verse lacked development...lacked a solid flow...it lacked direction or any clarity as to how he turns his life around and everything...

    with that in mind i'm going to vote for the verse with the most clarity.

    and that is...

    vote = Condescending because Craccer_Jacc was all over the place.
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  7. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
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    Craccer - I mean, the imagery, the wording, all that shit was dope. That structure, however, was the most horiffic thing I have ever seen. Remember that this is suppose to be based loosely on rap rhythm, and this verse has no fucking semblance of one. I mean, the content was really nice, the story progressed smoothly, the ending was nice, but that structure made your verse a chore to read, to say the least.

    Con - Good idea, you just didn't execute. Like GL said develop your stuff more, put more thought and effort in your verse. This verse could've been a whole lot better than what it is if you would have just spent a little more time on it. Mechanics were lacking too. I feel like you have all the bare essentials, you just hafta try and develop more.

    Vote - Con, because I hated reading Craccer's verse...
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  8. Condescending

    Condescending New Member

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  9. inkwell (chris)

    inkwell (chris) Spontaneous Bop Prosody

    Joined:
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    cracc - very interesting. i didnt hate the structure as much as the other two, i thought your flow was cool and your style is totally unique, refreshing even, had a sort of slam poetry feel to it. in fact i wish this just would have had some profound artsy ending, although i do appreciate the artist being the most vein of all, breeding sin and what now, keep at it man your on to somthing here.

    con - yea a good take on the de ja vu topic. some good multis in there, you definately could be a top writer in the league with a little more growth. pretty good verse.

    vote - con
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  10. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    craccer_jacc, i am thoroughly impressed with the show you put on here, this verse was somewhat captivating and delivered the "beautiful" vibe well, the flow was damn near impossible to catch but i did find a rhythm as i read which helped aid the progression however in future matches you should allow the structure/format to direct the reader seeing as how we have no clue of what you actually had in your mind most will struggle to put this together and fail and therefore you will never receive any credit where credit is due, aside from the horrific format however the flow was actually there along with good imagery and unusual descriptions that really worked here to set the tone and mood of the story, the story in itself was actually a good one that seemed to "beautiful" at first with love in the air and each captivated by the other and the murder scene was very discrete and never lessened the tone which made for a great ending, in the end i liked this and i see potential shine right through your words however the structure does kind of take away from the impact, good drop though and i hope you stick around, i cant wait to see what you turn out to be in this league

    condescending, i disagree here completely and feel as though somebody is getting robbed due to a neglect to conform, in the end this verse was very bland and the content was very simple and cliche', nothing new was offered here and the entire story lacked any type of depth, i mean you basically describe someone who was in the streets hustling and later cleaned themselves up and helped the homeless, you never dove into the actual character or gave a reason for his troubles or anything that would have offered something to the reader, there was absolutely no connectivity for me here as i felt this verse was wasted space, all in all you delivered the content fairly well for what its worth but the story/subject matter has been over done and your flow was even inconsistent, i just dont see it here, i mean i felt that you lacked creativity out of everything else in which your opponent i felt excelled in, decent verse but you need to do a little more, spend a little more time on the idea and development of not only the story but the character in the story and offer the reader something new or give them something to connect with, emotions or vivid imagery or consistently smooth flow or something, i felt you failed in nearly all of these categories and only accomplished producing an overusued subject in a mediocre manner

    overall, i think this battle might be a tough call simply because some might not have the patience to read craccer's verse with an open mind, but of pure skill i feel as though he displayed the most through his creativity, his flow was also just as well as con's once you caught it and his imagery/descriptions/wordage was above the opposition, the entire story just offered more opportunity for the reader to connect to the words and the ending was spot on, therefore i vote - craccer_jacc
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  11. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    Condescending wins 3-1 in votes
    Craccer_Jacc fails to post links, Condescending fails to post 2 links
    Condescending still wins 1-(-3) in votes
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