[WK 16] CHAMPIONSHIP: 1. Cereal_Killer 8-2 v 2. Pent uP 6-1 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Lucifa, May 26, 2008.

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  1. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    [​IMG]

    ----- The RSTL Official Rules & Regulations -----

    "GENERAL RULES"

    VERSUS DUE: Every Thursday @ 11:59 PM EST
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    "VOTING RULES"

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    ----------------------------------------------------------------

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    test
  2. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    4,154
    test
  3. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    Super Power Chronicles:​


    In life we all have an unspeakable secret,

    I'm at SNL, scribbling on the dialogue cards
    Putting MSG in the water of actress' trying to starve
    at the award shows; E's cameraman’s shoes tied in a knot
    sliding the rocks into the Olsen twins Icee's and pot
    I'm in the cop station; moving files from their spots
    whispering in the ears of felons crying to god
    shaving every coppers 'stache, leaving hitlers etched on in
    and who knows, soon I might kill the president
    I'm in the evidence locker, looking for goodies to shoplift
    so when I see a bum I have something to put in his pocket
    and rich summer pads? that lootings obnoxious!
    Even found the place Alba uses for small trips
    I'm human and all; it’s easy to guess when I found her keys
    I made duplicates. Rub her as she makes pleasuring sounds in dreams
    and when she's out of this mess of a town, it seems
    I still spend half the nights watching girls undressing and showering
    an irreversible regret,

    Why I'm cynical is a fate that is wry of visuals
    I'm a typical schmuck avoiding how life is miserable
    used to be a professor concerned with the scientifical
    trying to cure aids..until I turned my wife invisible
    Her condition worsened slowly as time turned
    I couldn't see veins or where I poked in to try cures
    and when she left with the blowing winds whine
    sure,
    I used the potion on myself, hoping to find her
    She came back that night, regretting her leave
    unluckily, I was now in a position no better than she
    aside, of course, from her vicious and deadly disease.
    Unable to show ourselves, it was hard to settle in peace
    Our beds weren’t for keeps, which kept us constantly moving
    it was no help my research stopped, which barred her improvement
    A fateful day when we were shopping for food when
    on the way back a train split us apart for a few secs
    an unreachable dream

    We yelled from the edge of our opposite stations
    and agreed to get on the train stopping adjacent
    she thought I meant for more shopping and date fun
    Funny how years of marriage still see miscommunication
    It's been hard to find the one I'm looking to hug quick
    when everything goes invisible as soon as I touch it
    So I humor myself, gaffling steaks from dudes on their luncheon
    abusing my functions; coming on chicks while they're doing their husbands
    using a bludgeon on wife beaters and bruising their stomachs
    until lumps and injuries get mistook for tumors erupting
    Cooing and Cahing around babies, sometimes unusual grunting
    to get the parents attention, then I say something rude and insulting
    All this the result of hornyness and thinking hardly
    the night she decided to solely partake in a swinging party
    and now she can’t be found in this cities large field
    and now I can’t cure her; left to spill these heart beats
    and an unforgettable love - Diego Marchi

    Even this ink is unseen until I learn to let go and back up
    So if you ever hear the wind say "Hello?" as a hunch
    know there's a searching fellow with bad luck
    looking for love somewhere between death row and that stump.
    With colleagues I wanted to show up each guy
    Cure aids and win something like the Nobel peace prize
    Instead I'm sneaking into houses and hotels each night
    and there’s no knowing what I might go tell weak minds
    With my wife I wanted to rid the deadliest threat
    instead I lost her and my head in this mess
    Left with memories, barely able to even get any sex
    Jerking off I won’t even know if jizz sets on my chest
    Now all I have is loneliness and a story with it
    and a more than rigid life that the courts prohibit
    All my life I've wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific - Jane Wagner
    because being invisible only made me more delinquent​
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  4. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,154


    A Forbidden Fixation




    The Husband
    I’ll engrave your flesh, your scalp torn up
    Your neck, my belt.. I have just warmed up
    You’re a mumbling cunt unworthy of life
    Fuck a knife
    I just icepicked the inside of your thighs
    You cough up clots through a rotting scent of decay
    Lost in distain
    Membranes shot from the electrical main
    Wires ignite veins on fire
    Pain arrives with stains from pliers
    Teeth taken and nails ripped
    You try to bail on life – YOU piece of SHIT
    I spit in your face.. you die from infection
    Just to be revived from a steroid injection
    You look to the sky yet the windows are black
    I let you go but sadly your shinbones collapse
    You crawl to the corner and claw at the exit
    A sign of a peasant who cries to be messed with
    Forgiveness is nil, your minds numb to the thought,
    As you crumble under the pressure of a circular saw
    Cut Cut mother fucker
    One last hurdle in store
    How the fuck am I going to get your blood off my floor



    The Wife

    I lay here with make-up smeared from my face
    With my tears reflecting in a mirror of hate
    My husband scans the perimeter like incisions from blades
    I surrender within comfort, the bravest decision I’ve made
    His safety house invaded whilst I’m left a shell revealed
    The first thing I yell is help when the tape is pealed
    I’ve escape a fate worse then death, my breath now calm
    Rocking back and forth within my husbands arms
    He grazes my hair; I place my head on his heart
    As his work shirt smeared with the truth of my past
    He notices a wallet beside a lit fire place
    I hug him tight as I explain how I was raped



    The Victim

    She opens the door I barge in and restrict her voice
    Haul her ass to the room and check if she’s moist
    I tie her down, drug her and then hit her for fun
    As she coughs up some blood like I punctured her lung
    I smother her with a pillow, asphyxiation with grace
    And stop just in time to trace the outline of her face
    With my finger then force fuck her mouth with the tip
    ‘Til the essence of her pussy drowns her bruised lips
    She gags and spits, struggles and kicks
    I place tape over her face to muzzle this bitch
    I kiss her on the forehead and insert my cock
    I ask are you there
    “ARE YOU THERE”
    She nods
    I bust in the trust of a simulated rape
    I remove the tape for a few seconds as she explains
    My hired pay
    is in her purse but the bitch is running short though
    As her husbands car pulls up and I jump out the window


    [​IMG]
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  5. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    Up over locked threads.
    test
  6. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
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    Not a classic here .. but not too bad ..

    Pent - this all felt a little long winded at times .. I thought about using that quote in the same fashion you did .. I do like that way you connected it in one story though (which I wouldn't have done) as it gave a good feel of continuity .. some of the rhymes were cool and some were non-existent which was kinda odd when reading it .. the content was a decent idea but the execution was hit-n-miss for me as sometimes I got lost on what it was about before it suddenly made sense again for a while before repeating this scenario a few times .. not bad but not as polished as it could have been ..

    CK - hmm .. this felt simplistic in approach to the content .. I read it but never really felt interested in what I was reading .. the ending made me smirk a little but it didn't really make an impact to lift what was a rather standard read throughout .. the mechanics were fine as it did flow better than Pents verse but again .. aspects were simplistic and unengaging to me as the reader ..

    Vote = Pent uP .. he just offered more for the time taken to read the verses for me .. it wasn't leaps and bounds above what CK produced but I felt CK lacked more in appeal and interest ..
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  7. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    14,147
    test
  8. SpeedyCalhoun

    SpeedyCalhoun Obviously...

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2005
    Messages:
    1,291
    Hmmm...the abstract? this is more up my alley...

    Pent Up-
    ^Classic

    I was lost after the first verse, enlightened on the second, and entertained on the third. Perfect sequence. I like the way you told the story, which wasn't traditional, and the mechanics weren't bad either. If I had to complain, it would be with the flush left captions. They just didn't make sense/do much for me...

    CK- I saw your attempt here, and I really appreciate it. However, I can't fully congratulate you, because your story was somewhat off. I don't get the conclusion of you story at all. I mean, I think I do, and if I'm right, than it just wasn't that good. But I think it was finished improperly...

    V-PentUp
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  9. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2001
    Messages:
    25,850
    pent - off top the flow was up and down as was the bulk of the script/story/plot, my interest seemd to follow in the same pattern, the flow was very inconsistent for me wherein sometimes it was on point and captivating and at others it flat out didn't rhyme, with that said the story was also hit or miss wherein at some points i was genuinely interested and pulled in whether it be due to your flow or wording or the fact that the story was actually at a strong point and then at others i was lost and wondering why was i still reading, very mixed feelings in the end but overall it wasn't bad, minus the choppy flow and instances where it just seemed off it was a decent take on the quotes that you used and made for a somewhat interesting piece, not the best that i've even read from you recently but still worthy of reading, what i did like were your strongpoints or bits and pieces where you actually stuck to a scene of closely related events/memories and where the flow was the strongest, what i didnt like were times when you were reaching for a rhyme such as the president line and the miscommunication, all in all i would say it was a fairly good read and a decent to good show of writing talent that could have been tidied up a bit to make for a stronger performance

    ck - this was good for me, the quick release of lines helped aid the much needed quick progression of a somewhat drawn out plot with a good enough rhyme to keep reading and good enough descriptions to keep the reader intrigued, i liked this a helluva lot more than last weeks with the marijuana picture, my main complaint however is the clarity of your writing or more importantly your structure, the labels threw me off as i took it for who was speaking which really misconstrues the story, as i feel i dont owe you more than one read i wont strain to tie the pieces together but as is this could have earned my vote had it been more clear in execution, overall this was written fairly well with a pretty steady rhythm and good quick descriptions of a seemingly fast paced storyline which really only failed in the actual execution or conveying the gist of the plot to your audience

    vote - pent up
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  10. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2002
    Messages:
    2,082
    Pent Up- I liked this verse. I found the flow was pretty smoothe, tho at times it faltered, and I liked the way u began the verse. It intrigued me to see where u were going. Overall the story was decent, but I expected more since I liked the beginning a lot.

    CK- I liked this, and when I started reading I thought u would take it handilly. I think the labeling of each section, and the ending kinda undid it for me. Im not exactly sure what happened... I mean, I don't wanna sound dumb, but eh. lol. Overall I think mechanically u were stronger, but the ending left me unsatisfied. Concept was good, but execution toward the end wasn't as good imo.

    vote- Pent. It was a close match, and I expected CK to win this, but in the end I liked Pent's execution slightly more.
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  11. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    Pent uP 4-0 CK. both vote and label links.

    Pent uP wins 4-0
    test
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