[WK 16] 7. Lucifa 20-9 v 8. .:Pain:. 4-4 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Lucifa, May 26, 2008.

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  1. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    [​IMG]

    ----- The RSTL Official Rules & Regulations -----

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    test
  2. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    test
  3. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
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    Can I get an extension till tomorrow per favore? I'll def have it done by then, or you could just take the win, but idk, kinda wanna write this week, I just need another day...
    test
  4. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    [​IMG]

    he sat on the bench..with failure his stench
    ..head in a spin as nothing made sense..
    emotional turmoil twists his soul like a wrench
    neck muscles bent..he's overly tense
    from events uncontrolable..he felt inconsolable
    second guessing how easy his case had been solvable
    ....
    [3 Weeks Earlier]
    ....
    sat at his desk as steam arose from his coffee
    half eaten bagel rests on top of his copy
    of the morning paper he hadn't even scoped
    his interest wasn't there with his spirits broke
    the want to read more bad news had stopped
    weighed down by years of it, being a cop
    the post trolley rolled by his desk, squeaking
    a parcel landed, labelled, FAO Det. Lee Singh
    opened it to find it was a video cassette
    he walked over to the VCR and pressed eject
    inserts the tape and hits the play button
    it was black and grainy..then all of a sudden
    ....
    [​IMG]
    ....
    "Kaitlin! My dear Kaitlin. Surely my eyes are mistaken?"
    strangely regretting that he'd put the tape in
    then a distorted voice came through the speaker
    #mmm..isn't she beautiful?..maybe I'll keep her
    or maybe you can save her..Detective Singh#

    he was overwhelmed with his head in a spin
    watching as Kaitlin's eyes rolled back and forth
    desperatley looking for clues as to the source
    #I know what you're thinking Detective
    put revenge to one side and put things into perspective
    you need to find her before you seek me
    or maybe vice versa? your clue is on your TV#

    ....
    [​IMG]
    ....
    the tape played on but the image didn't change
    a photo of a crash scene, it seemed so strange
    but Lee knew the scene that stared in his face
    the aftermath caused from an old police chase
    where he was the pursuing officer of a DWI
    he ran to the PC to pull up the criminal file
    one Mrs. Mary Malone..deceased in 2006
    he pulled up her husbands address, details and pics
    in true Lone Ranger fashion he headed out alone
    pulled up outside the home of one Fred Malone
    ran up and burst through the door without warning
    saw Fred sitting in the dark, still obviously mourning
    ....
    [​IMG]
    ....
    "Mr Malone! Where the fuck is Kaitlin? Tell me now!"
    "I don't know where she is, so tell me how
    am I meant to tell you something I do not know?
    But I do have something you should see before you go"

    Fred stood up and walked over to his TV set
    turned it on and inserted his own tape cassette
    ....
    [​IMG]
    ....
    #Hello Detective Singh, it seems that you guessed wrong
    unluckily I'm affraid for your error, your wife's now gone.
    She is dead, just like Mary Malone is, because of you.
    Consider this my suicide note, also because of you.
    You thought it was so simple and assumed the worse,
    of a man, who because of your actions would avenge his hurt.
    You didn't think beyond the obvious and made this mistake,
    now Fred can see you share his pain, consider it fate.
    Who am I? I was driving the train on that fateful day
    and maybe you don't get why I acted in such a hateful way,
    but for 2 years I've been unable to sleep at night
    flashbacks of the crash whenever I turn out the light.
    I killed Fred's wife, accidently and regretfully
    and I offer my apology, solemnly and respectfully.
    I make my peace by sacrificing Kaitlin in return,
    Detective Lee Singh can now feel that paining burn.
    Remember Detective, you did this, it's all on you
    and I hope this memory haunts your dreams to.
    CLICK...CLAP#

    ....
    [​IMG]
    ....
    test
  5. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Blah I had little to no inspiration, but here's goes nothin'...

    The Notepad

    It's been a crazy few years, since I dropped outta school,
    And now I'm playin', the pauper, the fool, the lottery tool,
    Cuz I moved, and I now properly view,
    That I'm just fine with life without lobotomy wounds,
    But the logic I used is now constantly bruised,
    By the fact that I lack any prodigy's due,
    So I'm somber, I'm blue, but I steady my soul,
    To prepare for where I eventually go,
    Whether a detestable hole, or if heaven's my home,
    Or if I forever rest in a senseless doze,
    I will, take my pension,
    Grow, just so I taste the vengence against this hole,
    Cuz the place I rep is cold,
    Everyday, featherweights embrace the sense of folks,
    who would make friends, of foes,
    As if you would chase offensive goals, till respect's the toll,

    I never caved, lord praise, I stayed strong,
    I'd medicate, it sent me home, to make songs,
    And everyday lost was another page gained,
    In everyway gone, I was someone changing,
    A metamorphisis, I let unfortunate's leave,
    To let out, the stress sounds imported to me,
    Holdin' a torch in my speach cuz coldness imported from dreams,
    Resides in my life's den, the door to my grief,
    Is lost in a forest of dreams,
    So I'm gone till the trees force me to leave,
    See I'm prepared for the world to end,
    Ready to leave, ready for the swirl of death, but
    they said look for the pearls instead,
    And be-hind, each dime, each fine girl will trek,
    But I never did nothin' just to please my flesh,
    I was mentally above it, I was seen ascent,

    I was grief, blessed with the keys to rest,
    Starin' down each lock till it seemed to bend,
    And now I, walk the halls, and the roads of white,
    The snow covered hills, under posts of light,
    And I see little kids, just like me,
    Wandering their streets till they're done trying,
    And what they're tryin' to do,
    Is find a pilot-light, but at times they're guidin' the muse,
    So the cycle is quite broke, they struggle and search,
    Through drugs, or the curb, and a crumbling purse,
    And they never quite find what they're lookin' for,
    Cuz they never had the might to push the door,
    So they're stuck in the ditch, screamin' fuck you to chicks,
    That deny them the ride that the lustful would get,
    So we resort to sellin' drugs to stay fly,
    Cuz it's important in cellars dug, to make light,

    I changed my game, I raised the bar,
    For myself, for my soul, for this game, this art,
    Spittin' out light, as I chase the dark,
    Waitin' for that change of heart, that makes Jae a star,
    Right now, my might's down, I feel weak,
    But I fight clouds, with mic sounds and real beats,
    So while I raised by patterns disturbin',
    Catholics with tactics to batter a person,
    I used my raps as detergent,
    Gave myself clean slate, each day I capture my worth in
    the verses, the chorus, the person before us,
    Made work out of hurtin' like a virgo recorded,
    Cuz behind the drugs, and behind the grind,
    Was a child with a smile that was tryin' to shine,
    And the world, denied me the time,
    That's why I'm tryin' so hard, I put my life into art...
    test
  6. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    19,109
    Your verse is 24 mins late according to my board clock .. but I ain't gonna shit on you like that .. you will however start voting at (-1) as a show of "tut tut naughty boy..slap on the wrist" kinda thing ..
    test
  7. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    Up over locked threads.
    test
  8. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,154
    Luc:
    Great description dude, i've done a piece very similar to this a few years ago as far as story goes.. Pretty good delivery and I thought the rhyming in this was not as solid as usual but still fairly good.. Structure complemented your piece and you had fairly nice vocab.. All in all tight piece..

    Pain:
    Hey dude your inner rhymes are nicer then luc's and you've got some really sweet lines in this piece:

    That I'm just fine with life without lobotomy wounds,
    ..
    I used my raps as detergent,
    Gave myself clean slate, each day I capture my worth in

    nice imagery.. Story was ok, realistic like your pieces usually are with a pretty smooth delivery.. All in all not a bad piece

    vote = lucifa

    His story was a little more in depth by the end drew me in more.. pz n g/l guys
    test
  9. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
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    14,147
    decent battle here

    Lucifa- pretty nice. i liked the story. rhyming and flow was alright, but nothing special. i've seen better and more complex rhyme schemes, but i've also seen worse uses of rhyme too. i thought you did a very good job of utilizing the various pictures to tell different parts of one story. overall, mechanics weren't great but the story and story progression were both pretty nice.

    Pain- as you said, you didn't have a lot of inspiration this week and it shows. the writing itself was pretty good. mechanically speaking i thought you were just as good if not better than Lucifa this week. however, the story didn't reall do too much for me. A couple cool lines, as CK mentioned, but as a whole your verse couldn't really stand up to Lucifa's story.

    Vote= Lucifa for a more engaging story that held my interest a little more
    test
  10. SpeedyCalhoun

    SpeedyCalhoun Obviously...

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2005
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    ^Agreed...

    Lucy- Great story, great use of pics, and decent mechanics. The basic layout and delivery was in good taste. Good shit.

    Pain- If you didn't tell us this piece laked inspiration, I wouldn't have caught it. On the account that the mechanics were pretty good, and so was the work as a whole. However, since mechanics isn't really a problem for both of you, we have to go to content. In this case, the obvious winner is...

    V-Lucy
    test
  11. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2001
    Messages:
    25,850
    lucifa - impressive, mainly because i didnt expect this when i begun reading it and judging from recent works, although this doesn't necessarily rank on the top of your list of stories in the past seasons, but for this week it was definitely a highlight, started off slowly and a bit rocky which has become a trend for you but this quickly picked up with a smooth flow that carried me through all the way, the story in itself was a good idea and good tie to the pictures, what i liked most about this however was the fact that when i was getting into it and it seemed long it quickly rapped up into a fairly good ending and made for an enjoyable and fulfilling story but also a quick read, again the story was good and a good tie to the pictures and the ending was well explained and fit the script nicely, i didnt like how the names were chosen as i usually hate names being chosen solely to fit the flow but here it really didnt bother me much or disrupt the reading, so overall i dug this, story was definitely better than the mechanical aspect but all in all this was mechanically still strong, just gathers less acknowledgment from me being that it was basic storytelling/narrating, my favorite segments were in the office and the explanation at the end, some scenes/events could have been expanded to make for a more complete and theatrical presentation but as is this did well in keeping the interest of your audience

    pain - this was decent, seemed full of puffery, the flow was definitely your strongpoint and even that could have been stronger had your structure/format been more reader friendly, like in the beginning some of the lines were broken up sporadically which seemed to break up the flow while reading but i just kept reading and caught on pretty easily, the story itself was boring and i feel you suffered from the same problems that i did this week, mainly due to it being the end of the season but obviously there was not much effort put into this or true emotion but only a faintly lit path as to where you wanted to take it and it seemed as though you somewhat struggled to finish, up and down for the most part but overall it was still a good read but not so much a good story or intriguing in nearly any aspect

    vote - lucifa
    test
  12. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    Lucifa 4 - (-1) Pain < no votes on 3 possible

    Lucifa wins 4-(-4)
    test
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