[WK 15] (CHAMP) 1. Got Life? 20-7 v. 2. Cereal_Killer 7-2 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, May 19, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

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  2. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

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  3. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    i'm here huckleberry.
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  4. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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  5. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

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    Headless Rats with Painted Faces


    Blow in her face and she’ll follow you anywhere
    With a lit Tipalet swallowed in angel hair
    Held there through stained fingers on a safire ring
    My admired attire brings mighty queens to desired fiends
    A heightened dream sequence through rising steam
    Inspired by the the fire ignited by a violent need
    A basement cased in a dope dealer’s patience
    You are my victim on the frozen lake of hades
    What’s mine is yours
    So please touch
    One ounce of black
    So feast up
    ..
    [​IMG]
    ..
    It’s your mom inside my den, your aunt.. your Magdalen
    Every upper class bovine enhanced from what a saddle brings
    No bullshit I am after she who moves with pride past the news
    Of an addict killed at 6 o’clock
    ..
    Time to name
    the hits after YOU


    ..

    Angie


    A College professor in Peru who taught the economic values in growth
    Yet protested against the cocoa fields the most potent import for blow
    Fist up – sipping coke a contradiction in itself
    So I feel it’s my duty to show her the heaven in hell
    Dark none the less I embark down a path as a liaison
    With a conversation of enlightenment in a pent house of persuasion
    A caucasian racing with ideas, I take of her mask and reveal her fears
    Inadequacy for what its worth
    She now cries cocaine tears

    Cocaine

    ..

    Row-Shay

    A Psychologist in Canada who majors in hypnotism
    A false hope exposing what she deems evil in her visions
    Precision timing and words at an open bar
    Open descriptions of her tormented past
    Petty toying of her younger siblings a problem child
    A wild fire inside her own dark green mile
    With aid from a friend I make amends and help her sleep
    Like candy to a baby rohipnol becomes her synthetic heart beat

    Rohipnol


    ..

    Jane

    A Real Estate Appraiser in England under values for gain
    Then sells your property to struggling teens for an unreasonable pay
    Thats how she make her wage through the property game
    A Monopoly trade all linked through the red cents she stains
    Of course she knew the farm she approved
    From a tobacconist.. how it was once used
    Yet she pocks n prods at the unfortunate
    Time cleanse her petty soul of it's torment


    Marijuana

    ..


    Christina


    A Pharmacist in Brazil dealing drugs to the weakened masses
    Frowning upon each individual that’s not of high fashion
    Undermining all the little people who support her
    From the fact that is what her daddy taught her
    A daughter contorting words soon to merge in to a new world
    Now my presence against resistance influences this crude girl
    Causing her to fall victim to my genuine chemistry
    As a taste of her own medicine sends her to the cemetery


    Amphetamines


    ..

    Deeda

    A Financial Adviser in America playing with paper planes
    Your dollars getting spun like its hitting her fan blades
    Claiming to be our savior yet charging an arm and a leg
    Trying to earn our respect yet she turns her head
    To the real people in need.. feeding off greed
    So I will paint a pretty picture with some LSD
    In front of her is a gateway where money means nothing
    All that's seen now is a new dimension of substance


    LSD

    …………

    Vapors sift through their tainted points of view
    Held by solitude through my champagnes debut
    Don’t look down on me as I am the life that bleeds
    An upper class female bringing pride back to the streets
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  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Diamond Dusted Love


    In a world filled with diamond dusted love,
    Corporations give men like me a tiny shove,
    Guiding us towards what love's meant to be,
    But a drunken lament allows me to disagree,
    So allow me to tell my oh so vivid history.

    Years beyond when that first love had died,
    I took it in stride so I sought to confide,
    Within the swaying hips of any random girl,
    So dancin with Jackie I saw her body whirl,
    Grindin against each other song after song,
    One hand on her hips one hand in her thong,
    Tasting her desire as I kissed at her neck,
    Oh how we fumbled down the hall in a wreck,
    & beyond the door our shirts hit the floor,
    But as I used my teeth to remove her jeans,
    She yelled stop, ending the X rated scenes,
    Leaving me yearning to see that slut again,
    I only wish what I know now I had knew then.

    It seemed to me our love was diamond dusted,
    So I adjusted my cash keepin her untrusted,
    Yet spendin more green to quench her thirst,
    Hopin to be the very first to someday burst,
    Within her velvety smooth warm womb,
    Yet as more cash flew she needed more room,
    Telling me that things are moving to quick,
    I wonder why I even fuck with this chick,
    But i've never seen such thick tits and ass,
    So one night after class I decided alas,
    To push her past all the pants and the no's,
    As her vivid temptation drew my hungry woes.

    It's funny how things developed that night,
    She seemed out of sight and so damn bright,
    Allowing her glowing essence to carry about,
    And she was so damn cute when she'd pout,
    Unforunately the bitter monster in me,
    Was already rampantly growing & runnin free,
    So this time as I kissed at her ivory skin,
    I bit her neck letting the blood from within,
    Slowly drip down in rivers of imperfection,
    clashing against her alabaster complection,

    I then bound both her hands in one of mine,
    Drinking her naked flesh like a glass of wine,
    And my tongue felt so god damn serpentine,
    As I slid it along her vuluptous flesh,
    Proceeding to rip through all of her mesh,
    Until I sought out the pussy i've admired,
    Admitting how long I lurked and conspired,
    She lay still sobbing, bleeding, in pain,
    Horrified by the vicious assault I let rain.

    We saw each other passing by here and there,
    Yet no diamond dust could mend the disrepair,
    Of an innocent girl of eighteen lost in love,
    Who had wanted the other night to be perfect,
    But my frat boy assault ruined her plans,
    Destroying the chance to make love for hours,
    Cause now when she sees me Jackie cowers,
    And truth be told she never wanted the gems,
    She wanted love...the real thing...without the stems.

    When love is not madness, it is not love - Pedro Calderon de la Barca​
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  7. UneekTestimony

    UneekTestimony New Member

    Joined:
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    8,857
    CK - I liked the concept a lot.. very unique. I really enjoyed the beginning of your piece.. grabbed my attention immediately. The transitions into the the women who ultimately are killing our society as we speak was good.. I preferred some stanzas over others (i.e. Christina and Jane) because they seemed the most powerful.. or in the sense, one's that I took interest in the most. The writing was more mature in these particular stanzas as opposed to Row-Shay and Deeda where I feel you got lazy with your inner rhyming and descriptions. It was rather simplistic. The italics, on the other hand, were probably the most powerful stanzas in the piece.. because I felt like they both opened and closed your piece perfectly. All in all, I feel like this piece has a variety of perspectives that anyone can relate to (depending on their drug of choice.. if they do drugs at all). Solid piece CK.

    Got Life - Cool piece. Concept was not as original as I was hoping.. in fact, it was a pretty straightforward story that I thought you could've gotten more imaginative than you did, especially since you were trying to personify the "madness" in love itself, which can be pretty insane depending on the plot. The rhyming was smooth...simplistic..no complaints here, but the story itself didn't grab my attention like I was hoping it would. The man has issues...is hurt/angry, wants to fuck Jackie, she dissed him, so he assaults her. You sacrificed couplets that could've been more descriptive, like:

    Telling me that things are moving to quick,
    I wonder why I even fuck with this chick,
    But i've never seen such thick tits and ass

    ^I thought you could've been more creative, imagery wise.. show us as opposed to just telling us. How thick.. what caused such anger and resentment? What's the cause of this madness? Did his past love make him that crazy?

    Overall, I thought both pieces were solid..just one was more solid than the other one. Got Life's piece would've beaten other pieces, but just not this one. Wasn't written better persay, but the piece overall offered more, thus resulting in my vote.

    Good luck.

    v/Cereal_Killer
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  8. Tha Pastor R.Y.

    Tha Pastor R.Y. What if I was alive?

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    1,118
    Nice battle, what I'm liking about the RSTL so far is the contrast of styles.

    CK, a lot of thought went into it, nice original way of expressing a not overly original idea, but it still sounded fresh. I liked the imagery and the contrasting scenes that unfolded. A lot of creativity and made for an enjoyable read.

    GL, started off slowly, didn't really get into it at first, but it picked up pace and developed into a really nice ending. I'm a fan of gothic classics, and descending into madness is a theme I really enjoy, so that helped me appreciate this more. The obsession came through well, and carried a bit of feeling toward the end.

    I'm having difficulty picked the winners in any match I vote on, and this is no different. I'm still missing out on those complex rhymeschemes. Damn, ok, I think Cereal Killer was the more creative and kept you into the piece a little more, so my vote goes that way. But this was close. Not much between them at all.
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  9. Eye-Rime

    Eye-Rime the intellectual.

    Joined:
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    659
    okay, so maybe im the party pooper here although i havent read GL?'s verse yet so i have no clue as to which direction my vote will lean, but as is..

    cereal killer - i really did not enjoy this, the flow was very inconsistent with a lot of empty connections between words or more bluntly words that just didnt rhyme, had you done it in a poetic sense meaning a few here and there that didn't rhyme on purpose then it would have been overlooked but here you had multiple lines that it was obvious you were searching for a rhyme but the words just didnt connect to me, this made for a terrible rhythm not to mention the inconsistent line lengths which made for a shaky flow with some stretched and others not, this really hurt the impact in my opinion, aside from flow issues the content was also dry, the approach was creative i suppose but i didnt particularly enjoy it, each stanza offered much of nothing and i wish you would have just stuck to one focal point which would have offered a stronger connection and produced stronger emotions, here you switched from character to character with bad flow based on cliche topic with a "creative" way to present it to your audience, kudos for the structure i suppose but funky structures only work if the writing is good, not saying that this was terrible as a whole but for me flow is what holds a story together (especially an uninteresting one), its like the caulking that closes the gap between a wall and a floor, halfway through i already felt as though i wanted it to end solely based on the flow and not actually being able to grasp a close connection to the content, which leads me to another downfall that although each stanza felt brief the story as a whole developed rather slowly and never really covered efficient ground, all in all my feelings were mixed because although you proved that you have talent in writing and the opener was dope in my opinion and well worded, the content was dry and you never delved into any one character but briefly described about 10 and then just closed it out which to me was very uninteresting and i never felt that strong connection to the story, but i can also see the argument that this was dope because the approach was fresh and if related to the content then maybe you connected better with it, but as is i wasnt too much feeling this, i think im rambling now so i'll end with saying even without feeling the content and the way you approached it that had the flow been tighter throughout the bulk of the verse then i still probably would have rated this higher

    got life? - wow, i expected much more, although you get my vote simply by being a much more enjoyable and engaging read with a tight flow that led me through probably an equal amount of lines in much less time, aside from a solid flow and rhythm, the wording was on point and fit the scene well as it seemed like a middle aged to young adult, most likely white, with a good job, and a decent grasp on the english language, yet still young and still curses and whatnot and rather read like something he had written about an event or love lost, somewhat like a journal entry, mechanically this was good and you produced a better ground for the story which allowed more connection to the characters and the events that were happening, but in the end this was not a good verse as the plot itself was unworthy of being written, not only was this just "another rape story" but it was exactly that... just another rape story, there was nothing here that took the reader outside of the box, very bland and cliche and the ending was terrible in my opinion, you could have done so much more and i could tell that this was an uninspired verse written by a good writer, overall i liked it but i didn't

    in the end, this is a tough decision and i know i sound harsh expecially towards CK's verse which i apologize for but being that the bad outweighed the good for me, i tried to weigh the bad's and see who i thought came out as victor, both were written fairly well wherein one had a much smoother flow, one was more creative in approach but overall both were played concepts being drugs and rape, the main deciding factor for me is which was more enjoyable to read which in the end it was GL?'s although i think neither offered much to the reader, he produced what seemed to be a better story (only with a wack ending) and the flow was tighter which made for an overall more enjoyable read, i liked what CK did but he needed more umph to grasp me, more character development or something else that this just seemed to miss, i know i spoke of his flow a lot because to me it was off more times than not but flow doesn't decide a match and minus the flow his content still didnt attract to me, he just needed more, got life?'s content was also bland but delivered better as a story with much better imagery, transitions, and character development

    so, vote - got life?

    and lol at GL? for another alabaster line, and i think its spelled complexion (sp?)

    whew.
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  10. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    19,109
    hmmm .. not the fireworks I was hoping for here ..

    CK - I was pushed for time and didn't want an extension which led to me breaking my verse in to a similar structure to this .. however yours was done with reason and obviously pre-planned (unlike mine) .. some stanzas were better written and some were more interesting and some were lacklustre .. leaving a feel of inconsistency to the piece .. although the flow wasn't really smooth I didn't have a problem with the read in that sense .. the overall concept and approach was fine if not really showing a strong stand on the execution of it all .. but even with the negatives I point out in this crit I did enjoy the piece as a whole .. dips in mechanics but overall it kept my interest ..

    GL? - this was pretty bland .. the chase for the pussy was long winded and simplistic in delivery .. it never felt like this was "love" just "lust" .. and then when the 'rape' scene arrived it was extremely predictable and pushed zero boundaries in the approach .. imagery was well under par and you never had me emotionally connected to the piece .. it was a text piece that just fell through the motions without sparking in to life .. unoriginal and uncreative with very little flair to lift it ..

    Vote = Cereal_Killer .. found it more interesting to read tbh .. Eugene could be said to have had the better 'story' piece as it had more focus on a single scenario and 2 characters interacting .. but it was a boring affair that was under-delivered .. whilst CK was inconsistent in most areas his content held more appeal for me and takes this one for my money ..
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  11. SpeedyCalhoun

    SpeedyCalhoun Obviously...

    Joined:
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    CK: I'm usually a fan of your work, so I thought you would have it wrapped up this week. But I think, besides mechanics, you didn't deliver. I can respect the use of the picture but I just can't respect the fact that i had to push to read the whole thing. And I surely thought this match would make forget that I have an obligation to vote...

    GL: Cool shit dude. It obviously wasn't the best I've seen from you, but it was better than CK's verse (for me at least), and that's really all you need. It was an unexpected take on the quote, which is where most of your points are coming from. Besides that, it wasn't anything spectacular...good enough.

    V=GL
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  12. A.S.K

    A.S.K ...

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    this is gona have to be a shorter vote than all my others cos im utterly shattered and got work in 4 hours

    CK: the first stanza is rlly nice, got a good poetic feel to it which i appreciate. However from there im losing it, like it feels like i been reading for ages and im only half way through. so long man! my fav verse is prob christina, seems nice. Its not a bad piece at all, like the mechanics are there and the concept was nice, but i just wasnt hugely interested in it, sorry bro!

    GL: aint read anything from you for time, so should be fun. the first stanza is nice, sums up the rest of the piece and hits the spot for this subject (considering i fucked some ugly ginger chick the other night cos i was wasted!, haha). However it just seems a bit basic, not shit or anything, just not the best choice of words. like kinda ABC shit. whirl, twirl, ya know? I like the piexce overall tho, nice cocet again but it never rlly picked u or showed anythign special. however, the last line is very nice. 'without the stems'....nice imagery tied back to the original lust and blood there

    vote: got life, because i just found the sotry more entertaing
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  13. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    Vote -- CK

    CK -- There were really strong and really weak parts of this verse. The italiacs specifically and Christina's verse were really well written, and really engaging. I liked the concept; i wont lie, i peaked at votes and think niques is most accurate -- i usually dont do that but i did; so it is what it is there.

    GL -- I swear i've read this verse before. and even if i didnt, its probably a rehash of something i did read. No matter you havent evolved one bit since the day you came in. The rhymes are still ehh with very absurd wording that is on the forced side of "poetic" and your still writing about rape. the imagery wasnt engaging. also there was no real umph to this verse.
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  14. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    Cereal_Killer wins 4-3.
    Links posted.
    Cereal_Killer breaks the edit rule in a vote and loses a vote here.
    Match ends in a tie 3-3.
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