[WK 15] 7. Eye-Rime 15-2 v. 8. .:Pain:. 4-3 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, May 19, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

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  2. Eye-Rime

    Eye-Rime the intellectual.

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  3. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    extension requested.

    Wow, I just skimmed your verse pain and I hope this isn't true, although it clearly reads as if it were based on a true story. Sad, my dude, and I'm sorry that you had to go through such a terrible thing. I've never had a dog, so I really can't relate, but it sounds terrible the way you depicted it. Keep ya head up.
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  4. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

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    I might no show, give me till saturday, some shit happened and I don't really feel like writing right now...
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  5. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

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    Forget it, I'll just post this verse, probably won't vote though...

    Topics: Fear The Reaper
    Love is the beauty of the soul - Saint Augustine

    I didn't cry, when my grandpa died,
    Nor when my grandma was taken by the sands of time,
    Nor when a friend had passed,
    From an illness that killed him, his chest collapsed,
    Nor when another friend crashed his car,
    And lost his life when it smashed his heart,
    But writin' this, I feel a tear fall, I don't know why,
    Why I didn't cry, but now they flow so fine,

    We had each other, we lacked a brother,
    Lacked a mother that would guide us, these facts would shudder,
    We grasped the rudder, and hoped for direction,
    Our backs were covered, by each others protection,
    And it never lessened, it never fell short,
    As we dropped our anchors in heaven's hell port,
    At times we faultered, we would bark and bite,
    For transgressions sent in from the stars and light,
    But the bite was largely mine, for the most part,
    My younger years were defined by a ghost heart,
    I grew and I knew that he couldn't deserve it,
    The pain I inflicted, the looks from a person,
    He just, didn't know, he's just, a little soul, but glowed
    so bright that the dusk didn't show,
    But the light keeps fading, and darkness creeps,
    Combined with the tears, it's gettin' hard to see,

    His presence was a comfort, it would help me rest,
    He would walk right up if I felt distressed,
    He didn't care if I responded upon him,
    He just wanted to be there to help calm it,
    We made it through the nonsense, the constant blues,
    He helped fend off attackers and constibles,
    He chilled right here, while I'd rock to tunes,
    And dropped the crude mood when I'd lock the room,
    And now he's lost the groove, he's lost his moves,
    Walking is labored, every breath, I'm concious to,
    I never felt so close to a cry,
    Knowing that now is almost his time,
    I know he's in pain, cuz he can't even sleep,
    He can't even walk those lands that we keep,
    He was the closest in my life for so many seasons,
    Now I watch his ribcage, and hope that he's breathin',

    Whoever said a dog was a man's best friend,
    Was thinking Casey in that stanza's stress,
    He was a mixed breed, yea, just like me,
    My brothers beat us both till we were done cry-ing,
    There was never a hesitition, never a stall,
    When I walked through the door, I'd pet him, he'd fall,
    He would lay on his side, and scratch his infected ears,
    While I rubbed his stomach, it passed apprehensive years,
    But I think he sees me, he sees me change,
    Achieving each thing I need to raise,
    He sees I have a girl that'll watch my back,
    He sees how easy I calm, relax,
    I think he knows that his job is done,
    And he can go to a place where he's awesome, young,
    And you can read this, and start callin' me faithful,
    But I swear that Casey was my gaurdian angel...
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  6. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    a bit rushed and uninspired, but i think i like it....


    “A Raging Inferno”

    They struggled through thicker and thicker,
    Sometimes he'd even let her sip on his liquor,
    Copying moves and every word that he spoke,
    So, often she cursed- eyes blurred as he smoked,
    She admired his chapped lips kissing the glass,
    His tongue catching it and swishing the draft,
    Chewing his snuff while flipping the channels,
    And she, with her floral print, sitting in flannel,
    Even though he never acknowledged her love,
    -She envisioned them as they frolicked above,
    Smitten by his demeanor- such a strange affair,
    In his chair- covered by the wings of his angel,

    Years had passed since they shared a hug,
    Or even a kiss on the cheek or a caring snug,
    A single father- stuck between a rock and a wall,
    Depressed- with his chest dropping the ball,
    A good man- who once had a daughter to love,
    But since then, he used his soul to barter for drugs,
    She was called to serve and he couldn’t cope,
    The king of his castle, trapped by a wooden moat,
    Bound by the walls as they closed on his brain,
    Suffocating- his mind juxtaposed by the pain,
    Sitting alone in that empty house on the hill,
    With a wraparound porch way out in the fields,
    Surrounded by death- the grass crippled with age,
    A lake in the back, but lacking ripples or waves,
    The once white manor now resembled a grayish hue,
    And the sky above now resembled a grayish blue,
    But she never gave in- never let go of that man,
    -If he was to ever fall, she’d be holding his hand,
    Spreading her wings- the source of his heat,
    Since he hadn’t left that dilapidated porch for a week,
    She watched his short breaths ascend to her home,
    So timid- Alone- the death of her Earthly father,

    The house was colder than she recalled,
    Lifeless- lodging her shoulder beneath the wall,
    Enthralled by the fact that his soul descended,
    Lifting the frame, so she could control the ending,
    But all she found underneath the house was dirt,
    Crying aloud- as she suddenly denounced her worth,
    Ripping the feathers from her wings- The pain,
    …was nothing compared to her Father’s despair,
    Slowly gathering strength, while concealing a yell,
    Her tears violently pattering the ceiling of hell,
    Lighting a candle- looking like a sociopath,
    Face pressed up to the flame- to be closer to Dad.

    [​IMG]

    The End.
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  7. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    I don't know what the fuck to make of this...

    Q - I don't get it...fuckin maybe i'm just exhausted from being out drinking all night, working all day, and playing ball since i got home, but this made no sense to me...i get the fathers doing drugs...and i guess the daughter is dead but trying to look over him? i dunno...the flow was pretty good, except the dilapidated line...really forced that fuckin word in there...i unno...at the end of this i was just left wondering wtf this was about...very unclear writers voice.

    Pain - by no means one of your better pieces...I can appreciate it for what it's worth, but it didn't do much for me...then again, your emotions were clear, as was your writers voice and your imagery.

    I think i'm going to give my vote to Pain because his story makes sense.

    vote = Pain.
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  8. UneekTestimony

    UneekTestimony New Member

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    Took me three times to understand it, but I get it..

    Q - Ok, so the story is about a father and a daughter who weren't really close.. or haven't been for awhile..he dies and she wants to be closer to him? Your writing style is very mature and your transitions were smooth.. I also enjoyed the descriptiveness because the concept of the piece wasn't creative at all..it was pretty straightforward with the picture. I wasn't necessarily awed with the piece, but you got your point across. Mechanics were good too, so that's always a plus..

    Pain - You know I've always enjoyed your pieces because they're so realistic.. simplistic, but the flow just makes me more enjoyable to read.. alongside the emotion. Although this is true, I just felt this was a bit too straightforward...you lost your dog..I was expecting a bit more emotion from your view as opposed to you going in depth about the dog's gradual death. I didn't really relate to that particular angle that you chose to go with it.. now, if you dwelled more on how it made you feel..I would've really connected to it. Anyway, you said you didn't have time, so I'm not going to dwell on it because I know you're a good writer..

    Pretty good read, but..

    v/Eye-Rime

    Just had an overall better piece.
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  9. Tha Pastor R.Y.

    Tha Pastor R.Y. What if I was alive?

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    Another nice battle, let me break it down.

    Pain, the beginning was nice and led into the rest of it well, but maybe could've been harder hitting. I love dogs, and understand the relationship you felt with yours. That allowed me to get into this more, and see where you were coming from. Pulled on the heart strings a little, the last line was a nice closer.

    Quriosity, nice imagery kept it slightly on the dark side which was important to the overall feel of the piece. A bit of old gothic imagery in the middle, allowed for the closer to flow out of the piece well. The closer was good too, something I'd like to read late at night in my bed. Poetic with a little bit of the dark unknown.

    Two good verses, not a lot to choose between them. I liked both for different reasons, but I think Quriosity had a little more poetic depth to it. I could relate to both but Q's took me deeper inside and for that gets my vote.
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  10. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

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    WTF?? Dickhead..

    Pain:
    Very emotionally driven with some really nice lines dude.. much impressed.. The tale was solid but the description of the events is def what held it together - making it that much stronger.. Rhyming wasn't forced or stretched which was cool and a pretty solid verse all in all.. nice

    Q:
    Hey some nice wording and some pretty cool lines.. Rhymes where ok not overly impressive but not too bad.. some emotion started to help develope your story but there wasn't too much of it.. Story itself was ok nothing over the top but not too bad either.. yeh wasnt bad dude..

    vote = pain

    He had a more solid story imo but this could go any way as q's diction was stronger.. good luck guy's
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  11. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    Pain - ok .. I liked the sentiment to the piece .. a little OTT maybe to say you felt more for the dog than you did your family members .. but sometimes it's like that I guess .. as you did put forward a hint at resentment with the beating from brothers and such .. but it was hard to gauge what age your character is meant to be to justify the feelings .. mechanics wise the piece was around the average mark with no real glaring faults but no real redeeming features either .. not a bad piece but there were areas where it could have been elevated ..

    Q - I'm a little confused to the plot here .. at first I thought the daughter was dead and the loss of her meant the father died 'of a borken heart' maybe .. then when she comes in the final stanza I was thrown .. so went back to see if I'd misread something .. "called to serve" then had me thinking that maybe she was out in Iraq or something and he missed her so much that he died .. but then you had "earthly father" which again leads back to her being dead 1st .. but if she's dead how is she lighting candles and such? .. so then there's the angel talk that gets hinted at now and again .. reafirming my initial thought that she is dead .. and when he died it felt like he was a 'good guy' but the outro had him "descending" (to hell) and somehow the candle thing would have her also go to hell or something? .. man .. this shit was mad confusing to follow .. no denying that apart from the content, it was written 'well' .. flow wasn't as sharp as usual but nothing hurtful .. vocab and multis were ok if a little sparse in stronger use ..

    Vote = Pain .. I'm surprised to be voting this way after reading his verse and then thinking "well, he's up against Q" .. but Q didn't deliver his content well enough in clarity to really appreciate what it was about fully .. father-daughter-death-bond .. yeah I get that but overall it was pretty confusing .. whereas Pain's was a once over easy to understand piece that just wasn't written with the same style and prowess of Q .. so Q takes most mechanical aspect points but the overall feeling of comparing the 2 is that Pain's verse was an easier to read and easier to follow block of text ..

    Q will win though .. cos Pain won't vote .. so it's whatever .. wasted votes on our accounts ..
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  12. A.S.K

    A.S.K ...

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    Pain: Never read anything from you before so im basing you with a truly fresh mind if that makes sense. I like the fact this piece, i hope, was written from personal exerience. if not that takes half the sense away from this for me! However, story aside i just found the rhyming and structure a bit basic. However, that could be cos my personal style is based on poetic stricture. Some of the lines were nice, others were obviously rushed to bring on the story. It also seemed a bit drawn out, kinda expressing the same emotion and feeling over again, but i do that as well so nothing big! Nice, if a bit basic, heartfelt story

    Q: Striahgt away i really like the flow of this piece, it almost sounds very children nursery rhyme based, that klinda sing song voice i adopt when reading it (god that made me sound lame!). the rhyming is really nice, bring across the hidden love with really nice little details such as 'chapped lips', which is exactly like the lil things ppl notice when in love. but now im fucking confused, haha, is she dead or is he? Is she using the candle to try and bring him back witch style? or meditating? Fuck tbh i dont know, if u feeling like explaining pm cos i wana know. But apart from a slightly confusing plot i loved the mechinaics, jst wish i could make sense of it

    ummm tough one, but I think cos of my personal style and the stuff i enjoyed reading im gona vote for Q. I find that a bit hard to do tho cos the plot confused me, but it just imprssed me more than pains. Is that wrong?

    Fuck it, tis my vote i guess!

    vote: Q
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  13. SpeedyCalhoun

    SpeedyCalhoun Obviously...

    Joined:
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    Decent...

    Q- This piece was cool. I like the relationship you established at the beginning, even though it didn't seem like a father daughter deal. But you're take on the pic was overall a good one. The mechanics were there as usual, and you didn't bore me to death. Good shit.

    Pain- You're a nut. I'm sitting here ready to give my condolences for your guy passing, and here you go talking about dogs n shit! But, I cant even hate on this piece. Good shit. The emotion and conviction was there, and so were the mechanics. And you also didn't bore me to death. Nice twist.

    V-Pain. Q would've won if Pain's story was actually about a person, but who am i to come between a man and his dog?!
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  14. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    Vote - Pain

    Pain -- I liked it; very to the point and effective writing. rhymes were on point. I dont feel comfortable nitpicking a piece like this on behalf of the circumstances but I will say that "stanzas stress" was horrible wording. Besides that no real problems; completely vibe with the subject matter as I've touched on it once before....

    Eye -- Didnt dig it. point blank. The rhymes were crisp, mature wording, there were 2 couplets that i dont think rhymed, but besides that the writing itself was good. However when you look beyond the wording you said a very little amount and didnt make it out to be anymore special than it was. The best part of this was definately your last stanza in which it actually felt like it had some soul to it, but as an overall product you didnt give me anything than a great ending to what feels like nothing.
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  15. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    Pain wins 5-3 in votes.
    Pain does not post voting links (3 other battles open).
    Pain is deducted 3 votes.
    Cereal_Killer breaks edit rule and is d/q'd.
    Eye-Rime wins 3-1.
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