[WK 15] 15. Nique 0-0 v. 16. Tha Pastor R.Y. 0-0 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, May 19, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

    ----- The RSTL Official Rules & Regulations -----

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    test
  2. UneekTestimony

    UneekTestimony New Member

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    I picked a horrible week for me to sign in. I'm here though.
    test
  3. Tha Pastor R.Y.

    Tha Pastor R.Y. What if I was alive?

    Joined:
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    A Nation Divided

    Lebanon

    The earth that once absorbed the screaming blood, now drily coughed
    As the fruits of condemnation held this murderous life aloft
    Young devils snickered, curious to see the evil in his eyes
    That they'd heard the frail and aging demons gleefully describe
    Standing tall into the shadow's glare, the figure lifts his arms
    Brought back to life, a sacrifice, as he for previous sins is damned
    He bares a mark; each passing day of immortality is torture
    And as his life restarts his shackled soul is freed from torpor
    The sun shields its face, eclipsed by rage and burning pride
    That fuelled the hate of holocausts and saw the iron curtain rise
    All the murderous thoughts the world had brought, lain around his feet
    Unbound, released, the first soul that wept, and gnashing, ground his teeth
    The Serpent's hunger, never satisfied, had searched through all the land
    Cursed to wander, now returned to plunder gold from Siniora's hand
    As the Serpent's depraved servant dropped on Beruit's shrivelled shore
    Every land through which he walks becomes embroiled in civil war
    Wild cats hiss as he glides past; the last few holy saints shudder
    As neighbours turn on neighbours, and worse, brother against brother
    Blood's spilt again, and trickles down over mounds of dirt and stone
    Screaming once more, and heard by God above the lukewarm churches' groans
    Religions fight and stick the knife in the heart of a nation's peace
    As Mary Magdelene collapses in a bitter state of grief
    The Apostle Paul started to write again, but to no avail
    And Peter's death was overturned, when passed by Cain's last ghostly trail
    "He won't previal, you mustn't let him..." Adam murmurs from the grave
    Which breaks the deafening silence as the last few churches turn away...
    test
  4. UneekTestimony

    UneekTestimony New Member

    Joined:
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    I just matched you.

    A song for the deaf..
    Are music notes with no tone.. voiced under your breath
    Or they're mumbles, except - you're not lost in your speech
    Your hands are props for the scene.. your only option to speak
    And your problems lean on your abusive cues while your nerves...
    .. are finely attuned to your fingers - a useful tool for the words
    Two worlds fused together with God's view as we turn..
    .. yet our sins are in sync - and our blues are absurd.
    .
    .
    A song for the coward..
    Is a note drowned in the lyrics being bombarded by power
    Pushed over by hours of "But.." and years of what ifs
    Tears cover talents that never blossomed - in fear of your gifts
    Your peers left you behind.. and bravery's a vacant lot
    Where silence breeds underachievers - and it's your vacationing spot
    Too patient.. the plot's an inarguable war..
    .. and you're stuck clawing back to where you started before.
    .
    .
    Song of Silent Screams..
    Are notes with no purpose - strictly designed for the beat
    And we ride to the ease of the sound.. disguising our shame
    .. we'd rather sleep in agony than cry out in pain
    Our lives are to blame - in instances we've longed for a voice,
    so we grab our headsets and listen to the song of our choice
    .. then it's buried; and our poise remains politically correct..
    .. screaming silently as our truths continually bleed through our flesh.

    Silent Screams


    -Nique.
    test
  5. A.S.K

    A.S.K ...

    Joined:
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    OK first vote (I write as i read em, just so you can understand my votes better)

    Tha pastor: Some might say the flow is a bit stretched out cos of the long lines, but im finding it alright. First few bars are really nice, alot of dark imagery. You threw me off with rhyming 'arms' with 'damned', being the idiot i am i said damned differently trying to make it rhyme. Also what does torpor mean? aftetr those few lines it gets back into the real nice imagery, with that iron curtain line, very nice. Your using alot of big descritive words but they dont seem forced which is nice to see, gives it a more poetic feel. One stand out line for me is;

    As Mary Magdelene collapses in a bitter state of grief

    Real simple but sums u the real nice imaery you have going throughout this peace. I really liked this verse, it was was quite short but within that limit you told a real nice descriptive story which kept me reading, which is always important to me. good work

    Nique: Reading this, straight away I can tell youve improved from when i last read your stuff (which was about 2 years ago). has a real nice flow to it, in both the actual way it reads and the choice of words youve used to create that style. I can imagine this being read out loud at a open mic or summin of the like. This piece has a real ersonal feel to it, which I like. One stand out line for me is:

    then it's buried; and our poise remains politically correct..
    .. screaming silently as our truths continually bleed through our flesh.


    Very descriptive, very personal and incredibly relevant to the feelings expressed through the piece.

    Vote: Both of these are great peaces, i enjoyed reading both of them so props for that. I hoe my votes were full enough, if u have a problem with em jst pm me.
    I enjoyed the pastors for how descriptive it was, very poetic and created alot of dark images in my head in music video style which could accompany this piece. At times the structure faltered, but it was nothing that let down the overall feel
    Niques was another great peace, very different in style but equally good. It was more direct, more personal to both the writer and the those reading it.
    Im gona have to go down to personal choice, which should take nothign away from either of you, but it is simply which one i enjoyed more due to its attraction to me. Both kee up the good work

    Vote Nique
    test
  6. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    19,109
    good battle .. both had the topical approach and both did well with it .. good read ..

    Pastor - being a Sept 01 account I'm a little surprised I don't recall your name at all .. but regardless .. this was a nice introduction to your writing .. if there's a negative I experienced in the read it was the final line .. I thought it was building up nicely and expected a nice closer but this "churches turn away" didn't make the kind of impact the piece would have benefited from .. not quite 'profound' enough for me .. the piece pretty much eleborates on A.S.K's signature which is a nice little rhyme with that profound feel to the lyrics .. your piece dipped up and down on that scale but the good bits were really 'good' and the poorer bits were simply 'pretty good' .. religous pieces aren't always my cup of tea (yes, even with this name) but you did well to keep my interest and also wanting to leave positive feedback .. but there was fault in the mechanics .. as the flow wasn't sexactly 'solid' .. but some lines did read ultra smoothly which made up for the dips .. all in all this was a good block of text that was worth the read ..

    Nique.. - another new name to me but one with some form of rm-celeb status .. I've read your posts about multi-league writing and appreciate you showing for 1 week atleast in the RSTL .. this was a pretty solid showing even if it didn't really fit the 'hype' level I was kinda expecting .. I was going to write to "Silent Screams" when I put it forward .. ended up changing my mind so many times this week though .. glad someone went with it and created a topical that proves they can be as entertaining as a story piece when done well .. like I say .. I wasn't overwhelmed with the read but I did enjoy it and you really did do what you said with "I just matched you." .. very even in appeal of the content and equally weighted topicals in length .. however ..

    Vote = Nique.. .. "however.." the mechanics were stronger in general .. I'm not a fan of voting via mechanics as some are .. if the content is nice then I can overlook the dodgey flow or basic vocab .. you both gave me as much enjoyment and interest in your content as each other and I really can't split the hairs on personal pref (of not really feeling most reliogious pieces) .. faults and niceness within each and for similar reasons .. but Nique.. flowed me through this text with more grace than Pastor did .. just hitting the right amount of syllables more often than not to not stumble through the content .. good battle guys ..
    test
  7. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    13,681
    Pastor - I think this was a pretty intelligent piece that unfortunately will go over some people's heads, but for what it's worth I enjoyed it...the flow was pretty steady for me and I think it works better like this for this piece than a shorter quicker flow because theres a lot of detail here that needs to actually be absorbed...I also felt that you did the imagery justice as you really painted your picture well here...at the same time I feel that there could have been more to this to make it a more complete piece.

    Nique - first off I appreciate you keeping to a short piece as well in light of Pastor as opposed to going the overkill route...all bullshit between me and you aside...I really enjoyed this piece...you continue to shine in writing a really smooth flow and you don't sacrifice language or mechanics for it...the piece built well and I actually would have loved to see more of it as the progression continued rather than just being left with the silent screams...but I guess this battle...like this week in the RSTL is just going to leave me like that...

    Unsatisfied...wishing that there was more to it...I think that was really the only downfall of the two pieces, the fact that I would have loved to read more of them...

    with that said though there was a clear victor in my eyes and that was Nique because she managed to provide equally strong imagery, mechanics, and quality writing, but with a far smoother flow and I see that as the divider in this battle.

    vote = Nique.
    test
  8. UneekTestimony

    UneekTestimony New Member

    Joined:
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    Thanks, for voting. I wanted to write more, but I don't think that would've been fair because people often associate length with quality of writing.

    A.S.K, ewww@ my writing from two years ago, I'm so sorry you still have those pieces in your head, but yea, I've matured tremendously since then - whether that's good or bad is the opinion of the readers.

    Lucifa, sorry I didn't meet whatever hype that's associated with my name.. I just don't have time, but I wish the season wasn't ending.

    Lucifa vs A.S.K

    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1098061

    Eye-Rime vs Pain

    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1098059

    Championship Match: Got Life? vs Cereal_Killer

    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1098056
    test
  9. Eye-Rime

    Eye-Rime the intellectual.

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    ^it's not really ending, it'll be right back up

    anyway,

    pastor - this was good i suppose, imagery and descriptions were well done for the most part however there were inconsistencies in how you addressed the focal point, sometimes it was a "he" and at others it was an "it" which threw me off just a tad, nevertheless the story/plot as a whole felt rather brief and incomplete, maybe it was complete in a sense, but you skipped specific details that would have made this verse much better and instead you opted to leave it up to the reader which is good and bad but here i felt as though it hurt the script, also the flow WAS stretched but worked for the most part being that it is read rather than spoken, the flow itself was also a tad inconsistent no only with syllables but some rhymes were just off like the lift his arms couplet, overall this was still a decent piece but could have been so much better

    nique - very mixed feelings, to begin the wording in the very beginning was forced and made for an unstable start, the whole "are" made it seem as if you were asking a question and when connected to the first line seems to be a grammatical error which judging by the way you began the second stanza leads me to believe that you were aware of this and thus sacrificed a correct usage of grammar for your flow, the flow in itself was likeable and produced a good vibe/tone for the plot but there were other areas that could have been tweaked as well such as the cry out line was a bit off and a few others if im not mistaken, all in all however i still enjoyed this, your wording was well done and the plot was just more entertaining than the religious approach that pastor took

    vote - nique
    test
  10. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    4,154
    past:
    nice.. short but sweet structure is cool and your rhymes are subtle yet solid.. I think you def covered the actual story/topical of christianity vs islam within fine religious metaphors and characters.. which showed your stance on the topic.. Some cool emotion and all in all not a bad piece, i think you'll do well in here dude.. pz

    niq:
    Hey :0) def one of the most unique rhyming styles.. well structured with strong vocab.. that first stanza was hot with the solid description nice emotion.. Pretty complete verse for how short it was.. And the actual topic was covered with a couple of nice/original concepts.. Cool piece..

    vote = nique

    A lil more original as far as structure and the stronger vocab held this.. Good drops ppl G/L
    test
  11. Tha Pastor R.Y.

    Tha Pastor R.Y. What if I was alive?

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    test
  12. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    vote = Nique

    Nique -- I liked it; the first stanza was a good starting point but it didnt feel that strong to me until i got to the transitioning to the second stanza. that killed it. the secon and third stanza were basically equally as engaging and I liked the examples you threw in there. Rhymes were pretty good. Glad to see you still write

    TPRY -- I liked it too, lol@the second madelene refrence this week. I think, ironically, the downfall of this verse is that it sounded too preachy. Rhymes were pretty crisps - no complaints in tha tdepartment, but you should grammar check yourself before you post because there were instances where you switched POV's. Nice to see you around again too

    good battle
    test
  13. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    Nique... wins 6-0.
    Links posted and labelled.
    test
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