[WK 15] 11. Lucifa 20-8 v. 12. A.S.K 0-0 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, May 19, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Nov 24, 2001


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  2. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Jul 14, 2001
  3. A.S.K

    A.S.K ...

    Mar 11, 2003
    Great, not the start i was hoping for!

  4. A.S.K

    A.S.K ...

    Mar 11, 2003
    Urgh, im very rusty, so this is gona be a bit shit, but read on


    We walk hand in hand
    over islands and burnt bridges to a past forgotten land
    where cold waves reflect the unbeleiving stares
    the truths and dares, yet your so blissfully unaware

    Thank God...

    The crimson sun sets above me, a blood red smear
    frames a guilt fed tear, shed for those that once loved me
    for those left with those we must not mention
    whose betrayal left me questioning my best intention
    In retrospect, I guess, that your words are touching me
    for jealousy is a poor mans invention, but a rich man's luxury
    I squeeze your small hand tightly, stare at your golden crown
    of rich blonde locks, picture perfect as your hold a frown

    Would she be proud...?
    If she could see you so much older now...?

    your mittened fingers slip from within my grasp
    as you dance sideways, smiling, with youthful laughs
    I tilt my head back and bask in the sinking sun
    sins done slink slowly to the brink of those trials to come

    But at least I have my son...

    Im awoken from daydreams by your playful call
    sit beside you on the grass, watch the days path gently fall
    feel the warmth on my cheeks, the glint in your iris
    that hides lies and sly smiles but pride still denys it
    As the sun sinks for the evening
    clouds contort like a demon, refusing to aknowledge the sun's leaving

    I wince, for a split second...
    Then smile, with distant thoughts refreshened...

    You jump suddenly, with jack-in-a-box enthusiasm
    a laughing spasm as you grab my arms and fly where angels fathom
    I hold you high, and you grin so fully and carefree
    And i swear I'll be there for you, whereever 'there' may be..
    But I hold you with a shattered spine..
    for when its a laugh a dime...
    I cash in, for thats a small price to pay on this path of mine
    and for piece of mind your mine
    And Not Hers
    cos Her peace lays in pieces, and Her He will not find...

    My body blocks the sunset
    A heavy set sillouete
    an outline of my former self
    who died on that Oceanic Jet

    My name is Kate
    and Aaron is not my child


    If love is not madness, it is not love
  5. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Jul 14, 2001
    Scales Of Justice


    Kyle's stashing the hash..pile stacking the cash
    ..while acting so brash..
    so complacement..in his basement
    ..spreading drugs like a rash..
    orchestrating his symphony..Paul, Edward and Timothy
    ..carry out his orders simply..
    because they owe him..the loyalty they're showing
    ..acting on his word without sympathy..
    they are the judges..condemning the junkies
    ..who don't pay debts for the drugs that Kyle pushes..
    supply and demand, he's..sly underhanded
    ..especially with those with whom he holds grudges..
    an example of which..was this gambling bitch
    ..just another one of his ample addicts..
    her addiction to meth..had her deep into debt
    ..but she had a family and refused to turn tricks..
    so Kyle gave the order..to rape and torture
    ..out they went, chased and caught her..
    but Paul went too far..left more than a scar
    ..as he ripped at her flesh like a hungry vulture..

    [1 Week Later]

    the teary funeral ended as Mike's mood is descending
    remembering the faces he'd seen Julie befriending
    this was the start of the end
    ..as he sought his revenge..


    the guy is retarded..he's the easiest target
    he's on the coke himself..and promotes his wealth
    slinging rock on the corner..outside of the sauna
    Mike approached him.."I need some coke Tim"
    he paid no attention..that his name got a mention
    ..took him to his apartment and let Mike in..
    ..asked for sample and began a coke session..
    ..after a while Mike laughed "Yo, I got a confession"..
    .."while you weren't looking I swapped your cola with ricin"..
    ..gets up and walks out the door smilin..
    .."Good night Tim"..


    'Eddy' was easy to find..after Tim spoke his mind
    given Mike his address..(and Paul and Kyle's no less)
    with a big bag of weed..Mike yells "Eddy, it's me!"
    "If I know you, I've forgot..this weed man..my memory is shot"
    "Haha good shit, it's cool..it's me..it's Mikey from school"
    "you don't need a chemistry pHD..to appreciate this THC"
    Ed smiled and welcomed Mike.."Come in, let's catch up on life"
    just after the first spliff got rolled Mike said he had to go
    "You keep that weed man, laters bro".."Aight man fo'sho"
    ..Ed smiles but Mike has the last laugh..
    ..that weren't THC..he'd spiked it with anthrax..


    turns out that these two louts shared a house
    so he heads down south of the city..quickly
    kicked down the main door..whipped out a chainsaw
    and just hacked at Paul..as blood splats the wall
    Kyle runs at Mike with a knife..takes a swipe
    ..slashing his scalp that bleeds profusely..
    starts waving his arms like he was Bruce Lee
    a fist fight ensues..blood drips Mike's shoes
    as Kyle swings kicks that Jackie Chan might use
    scrapping and brawling at nine in the morning
    suddenly Mike swung a punch that broke Kyle's jaw
    and he fell back on to the knife on the floor
    Mike leapt with a syringe in his hand..as he planned
    he forced the needle to Kyle's head..just by his eyes
    and injected that mother fucker with hydrogen cyanide
    ..stumbled out and sat by a tree outside..
    ..and he cried..
    "I miss you baby"


    she whispers in the wind sat next to him
    "I miss you too..now you are free to live"
  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Aug 3, 2005
    ASK - I had started to read this when you originally posted it, but I trailed off and didn't actually finish it...now having read through I thought this was great...I think the ending was the only slightly rusty part where you could have done more to bring that out, but I think you hit the nail on the head...the writing had a very good tone and your writers voice really shined...also I think the relationship you built up really demonstrated the emotions well and created a very relatable imagery...I really enjoyed this piece...

    Lucy - I feel like you're just going to bitch and moan about me hate voting, but I just didn't enjoy this...the whole revenge, drug vendetta thing...it's been done so many times...hell Meta just did a piece about it like 2-3 weeks ago...plus it's not just the fact that it's a been done before topic...it's the way you executed it...there wasn't a smooth transition between each character...you just put there name and here you go...also...you never delved into the emotions of Mike and his relationship with the girl, who in the end you reveal that she asks him to do this for her I guess because she tells him now he's free to live...but you should have delved into that burden...delved into his emotions...not how he was sneaky killing them with poisons...he should have made them suffer, the way they made her suffer...I also think your ending was just this big clusterfuck mess that you needed to make it fit your picture choice at the end...I don't know man...the flow was good, but you really dumbed it down...where sometimes it was smooth...the beginning probably being the strongest part...but this just didn't work for me. Also looking back...the dialogue in the Edward part wasn't very well written in...hell it didn't really flow for the most part...not a very strong showing from you.

    I feel that ASK came with a much more mature piece of writing here with a better writers voice and a more relatable and overall enjoyable piece.

    vote = ASK.
  7. Tha Pastor R.Y.

    Tha Pastor R.Y. What if I was alive?

    Sep 25, 2001
    Man, now I see why no one voted for me. I'm too old school! What happened to hip hop inspired textceeing?

    Ok, that aside, I'm a quickly break down each verse.

    ASK, your piece was very poetic, beautifully imagery and feeling throughout. However, I felt you focused a little too much of that, and not enough on explaining what was happening. I found it difficult to follow, although reading through it again helped. More of a poem than a text topical I felt, but the strengths of the poetry were superb.

    Lucifa, more of a straight story telling piece, the flow was pretty crisp with the short lines, although I felt because of that it lacked the complex rhymeschemes. The idea for the story wasn't great, but it was well told and you could follow through what was happening.

    Ok, this is a difficult choice for me. Both had parts I liked for difffering reasons, both had parts I felt were weak points, but again for differing reasons, two very different styles, difficult to compare really. Ummm, well I think I've got to go for ASK, just. My reasonings are that it was a little deeper, and I think accomplished more of what you wanted to do, ie. a heart felt piece of poetry. Lucifa's was a well told story but because the story itself wasn't great, it didn't carry the same impact or hit home with the reader (me) as well.
  8. UneekTestimony

    UneekTestimony New Member

    Feb 16, 2003
    Cool writing guys.

    A.S.K - Very poetic approach. I wouldn't say too poetic, but there were some parts I didn't think were necessary, like you were trying to be so descriptive that the storyline seemed a bit drawn out. Maybe it's just me personally and our different writing approaches. Anyway, another small pet peeve of mine is spelling.. that's just the nerd in me.. or maybe my belief that presentation is everything from the style of writing to correctly spelled words, lol. Anyway, despite those rather small points, I did enjoy the piece. I thought that the emotional presence that the readers were supposed to feel were definitely there, especially the relationship between the woman and the child.. and the point of building a bonding relationship without the attachment being through mere genetics. Good piece.

    Lucifa - Cool piece. Me, myself loving a good rhyme scheme, I could appreciate the fast paced rhyming style. Although this is true, I did not really like your transitions. They were often abrupt and confusing. Places that I thought you were going to continue a particular rhyme you just didn't and went off to a completely different one:

    orchestrating his symphony..Paul, Edward and Timothy
    ..carry out his orders simply..
    because they owe him..the loyalty they're showing
    ..acting on his word without sympathy..
    they are the judges..condemning the junkies
    ..who don't pay debts for the drugs that Kyle pushes..
    supply and demand, he's..sly underhanded
    ..especially with those with whom he holds grudges..

    Inner rhyming is good until "they are the judges.." then it comes off as confusing, especially when I read it out loud. Besides that though, I liked the natural, simplistic writing approach you took with this piece. Narration was cool for the most part, but it wasn't as descriptive. There was no real emotion in the characters.. it was sort of this character and then that character. No real character development.

    This battle was cool, but my vote really came down to a more mature style of writing, which was A.S.K's piece. He had character development, a distinct writers voice, description, flow was never sacrificed, etc. Lucifa, on the other hand, although pretty good, sacrificed imagery for flow, which wasn't as smooth in some places.

    Good luck.

  9. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Oct 25, 2002
    ahh the gone bad gone story nice.. ima def fan of the concept and the movie and all in all i think you brought it justice.. Nice rhythm and structured well.. some awkward wording but nothing that could be glazed over. Cool piece dude

    Cool cool this piece had a nursery rhyme feel to it just from the structure but the internals are what drove it.. Story wise a lot more original.. it got me thinking on a "human traffic" point of view instead with the revelation being sanity coming back its justice "Julie".. Nice im a fan of this piece..

    vote = lucifa

    more original concept.. gl guys
  10. Eye-Rime

    Eye-Rime the intellectual.

    Sep 28, 2007
    ask - quite honestly this is the best piece of literature that i've read all week, definitely a highlight to my voting, not only did i enjoy the flow and structure/format here but the plot was developed perfectly and honestly was not only the best written piece but the most creative, a lot of uninspired posts this week and you seemed the least confident and yet delivered the best, i thoroughly enjoyed this from the subtle and yet specific descriptions of the woman and her son to the spot on imagery (i loved the description of the blood red smear) to the flow and sadistic ending, the only comment i could really make was that the last picture wasn't needed but in a way it DID add to the sadistic underlying nature of the story, very good and very thorough plot with great wording but still short quick lines and a solid flow which made for a quick and very engaging story, great take on the picture too and i look forward to reading more

    lucifa - for starters it sucks to come after such a good verse or at least in my opinion because im at work and ive sat through 4 verses of which i really had no particular interest in and then ask just blew me away compared to the rest and then there's you, so without further adieu... loose tie to the picture, really not a good one but aside from that i did enjoy the story and the flow that you played with, for the most part it worked but some things were off which may be a difference in language and whatnot but it was definitely off (like the gambling bitch/ample addicts), with that said the transitions were not the best but fairly well and the action moved with a good pace to keep the reader's attention, the story itself was a bit "eh" but it worked for the most part with an intricate story and a bunch of characters for a quick text read but all in all it added up nicely with a good tale of revenge, overall this was decent to good and would have done nicely against other pieces this week, i actually rate this higher than CK's depiction but as is this fell short to the piece preceding it

    such an action packed drug tale of revenge just can't quite measure up to what ask brought in my opinion, neither was wack obviously but ask was damn near flawless whereas lucy had a few errs that could have been tweaked

    in the end, vote - ask
  11. A.S.K

    A.S.K ...

    Mar 11, 2003
  12. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Feb 17, 2001
    Vote - ASK

    ask -- that luxury line was dope if I may complement you on it. My biggest problem with this was the rhyme and wording, it felt like though the wording was pretty crisp it read more like a read than anything to a rhythm or that helped my attention stay focused basically. Beyond that I was digging it decently until the ending where everything kind of shined for me. I liked, in retrospect, how below the surface the rest of the verse really is; how maniacal it makes this lady seems, and how little we know until too late about ourselves sometimes. I dont know -- these verses tend to bring up alot of questions about what we are unaware of around us and i dig that.

    Luci -- a big problem with your verse is your rhyming....you had no couplets, you rhymed internally throughout the majority of the piece. also. you rhymed multi's in some lines and than single syllable in others. it was really offsetting and confusing to me as a reader. The storyline itself was pretty weak. first of all he couldnt have laced a BAG of weed with anthrax without getting it himself. Second of all the syringe came from no where, and so did the chainsaw. it was just a bunch of random lines like he was a cartoon pulling weapons out his back pocket. second of all the introduction of mike was too abrupt it was like there were these 4 guys who kiled chick and at the funeral this other guy automatically knew who did it! thats pretty unbelievable. the writing was jus piss poor this time around

    i'm tired of writing for this battle.
  13. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Jul 14, 2001
    A.S.K wins 5-1.
    Links posted, but A.S.K fails to label "Champ/Cont".
    A.S.K wins 4-1.

    (should have been a whitewash to be fair)
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