[Wk 14] 13. MetaSin 8-3 v. 14. Lucifa 20-7 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, May 12, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

    ----- The RSTL Official Rules & Regulations -----

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    test
  2. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    NOTE: NEW VOTING RULES WILL BE ENFORCED!!!

    YOU MUST VOTE ON AT LEAST 5 MATCHES AND POST LINKS IN YOUR THREAD

    CHAMP AND CONTENDER LINKS MUST BE LABELED ACCORDINGLY

    FAILURE TO VOTE AND/OR POST LABELED LINKS WILL RESULT IN VOTE DEDUCTIONS IN YOUR BATTLE

    IF YOUR OPPONENT FAILS TO SHOW, YOU ARE STILL ACCOUNTABLE FOR VOTING ON ALL 5 MATCHES AS WELL AS POSTING THOSE LINKS IN YOUR MATCH AND LABELING THE CHAMP AND CONTENDER RESPECTIVELY!!!
    test
  3. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
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    test
  4. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    19,109
    test
  5. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    19,109
    "Every work of art is an uncommitted crime" - Theodor Adorno


    Graffiti is an art.​
    Art is beautiful.​
    Graffiti is a crime.​
    Crime needs forgiveness.​
    If art is a crime, may God forgive all.

    [​IMG]

    I see him looking at my face and ting..and
    I see him looking at my spraycan tin..and
    I see him stopping to gawp and stare..and
    I see him critiquing my artistic flair..and
    I see him thinking of the risk I'm taking..and
    I see him pondering his decision making..and
    I see his reaction as my eyes meet his..and
    I'm not surprsied to see him lift his hand
    ..and..
    I see him pull out his dualband radio
    ..I run..
    I hear him say "watch which way he go.."
    ..as..
    suddenly I'm deafened by the silence of panic
    I race with my heartbeat..flying through traffic
    ..as..
    ..tyres screach..and..horns blast..
    I ignore the drivers speach as I run past
    running so fast with not a minute to waste
    gotta clear the area with police on my case
    a fear I can taste on my cottonwool tongue
    dry from the chase of this marathon run
    I slip as I turn in to a darkened alley
    I need to shed the weight of the bag that I carry
    rattling of cans echo their way to the dumpster
    sirens get louder from the incoming hunt'er
    unable to pinpoint the direction they're headed
    but atleast now my balance is steadied
    the food chain dictates that I am the prey
    all because I love the hiss of the spray
    a relaxant carrier that feeds from my heart
    no accent barrier to be seen in my art
    no boundaries..the language is universal
    but the government claim vandalism and say it hurts all
    the alley glows a flashing of red and blue
    back to sprinting as the car turns and starts heading through
    a split second decision to go right or left
    sweating..panting..running..as I fight for breath
    ..I head left and climb a fence..
    relying on the escape by way of my primal sense
    through gardens I rush..over fence, wall and bushes
    damning the fact I didn't have chance to make my final touches
    fear distracted by thoughts of work incomplete
    then overshadowed by the pain and hurt of my feet
    my legs burning..stomach churning
    I'm lost and don't know which way to be turning
    I leap the final wall and hit the pavement
    "Stop right there!" bellowed a policeman's statement
    felt trapped and remembered the stolen cards in my wallet
    to avoid further charges I reach to my pocket
    knowing fate dealt me the wrong hand to escape
    and trying to discard evidence was my final mistake
    ..as..
    I heard a loud clap and a sharp pain in my back
    drained of my energy I slumped and collapsed
    I felt cold as I convulsed on the warm sidewalk
    life left my body looking down on the outline chalk
    and my soul ascended to the sky up above
    a warm glow of forgiveness and unconditional love
    seemed the Lord was a fan of my artistic standards
    and I was put to work on God's greatest canvass

    [​IMG]
    test
  6. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    2,082


    Fallen

    She grew tired, the summer day was coming to an end
    As Ms. James was bakin cookies for her son and all his friends…
    [They were due any moment, from skating in the park…]
    Then she saw a cop car, and got angry when he parked.
    [She had told Jason, to be safer, from the start…
    He got in trouble many times from skatin in the dark.]

    So she opened the door before there was a chance to knock…
    Actin shocked that the cop was alone, as they locked…
    …eyes with each other, his eyes weakened as he seen her
    no longer encompassed by her lackluster demeanur.
    Once was annoyed, now all she wants is her boy
    But the news she receives leaves her stuck in a void
    [Crumbled, destroyed, deafened by a thunderous noise:
    the sound of her heart breaking, as she struggled with poise]

    And while he’s speakin, both of her knees weakened;
    [Her worst day caused by someone’s care free weekend.]
    A buncha teens speedin, havin a bit of fun
    Drunk and rollin, uncontrolled when, they hit n killed her son.
    His life stopped; [his entire design mocked,]
    Because for once he was skating right, on a sidewalk…
    The conversation was over; she hardly made a sound
    Gettin in the police car, departing to the town.

    They arrived at the station, and she confirmed identity
    And then waited in the office, stern and steadilly.
    They ‘perps’ of her destruction, were waiting in the jail
    Sipping cofee, to ‘recover’, patient on their bail
    [She was pissed. In a rage, trying to displace
    all the anger that she felt, as to hide it from her face.
    A disgrace.. they were fake. Liars filled with hate]

    But at 15, they’d be tried as minors in the case…
    In all likelihood; An almost certain possibility;
    Her nerves were constant, and her worry called her willingly.
    [She’s listening, and she pulls herself together.
    Her reasoning seemingly good, and for the better.]

    She leaves. [She must avoid a scene]
    Yet sat in her car, and sees her boy in dreams.
    [Or what must’ve been; she could never see her son again,
    regardless of pain that she felt, and her love for him.]

    But, she couldn’t shake it; even through common sense
    [They were sure to pay for this now, cuz she’s gotta vent.]
    So she waited. Seatbelt strapped, in exhiliration,
    For annihilation, as she smiled, feelin impatient.
    Crazed. [Her son was there, and she could feel it,
    She believed that this could heal it] Passion blinded realness.
    She seen them walk out, as their ride had arrived,
    A Benz; [Justice mixed with money had blinded their eyes]

    Their mother got out the car, and walked to the other side…
    And picked up another son, [Mocking a mother’s pride]
    He was probably under five, and as cute as can be:
    She shed tears, because [She knew she should cease.
    She knew she should stop]
    ; she sporadically cried,
    And laughed [as she eyed her son, passenger side.]

    [​IMG]

    Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
    Bill Cosby
    [He wants her to do it. She knows that he does…
    She knows he’s above, motioning, hoping for blood.
    Looking at them, as they have the nerve to breathe,
    While her world just bleeds,… her purpose siezed.
    She’s cursed to grieve]
    Her mind was made…
    She stepped on the gas, cuz they’d die today.

    It was over. She died there with that family.
    But, she misunderstood the situation tragically…
    As her actions over shadowed her life emphatically
    She was victim to a subtle one of Satan’s strategies
    Devestation occurs, and he prays where it dwells…
    To convince another soul to be claimed by his hell.
    test
  7. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2001
    Messages:
    25,850
    this sucks, i had written and entire vote and then my screen went black, but here goes nothing...

    lucifa - overall this was a good read but some major concerns which hindered the overall impact, for one probably the first 12 lines read like that annoying intro that you used to fast forward through back when cassette tapes were used, i disliked the approach that you utilized in the beginning and really can't understand why you went with it, however once i fast forwarded through it the intensity was piled on with good details and imagery, the descriptiveness of the different scenes here was definitely your strong point in a fast paced and somewhat unbelievable storyline about a highspeed chase between car and foot, i enjoyed the bulk of this verse and the ending was well done, my main beefs however are obviously the beginning but also the fact that by the time i got into the verse it was over, very brief in execution with a short chase and no real background or emotion included which would have heightened the connection, nevertheless the ending was still enjoyed but overall the content or occurrences were not creative, i mean it was definitely a good take on the pics and i enjoyed the presentation from the middle on and im sure there havent been many graffiti/painting clouds in heaven pieces but the actual events were easy and obvious and the ending with his death was inevitable, overall still a good read

    metasin - from the beginning i saw i was grasped, good storytelling skills and strong descriptions, the commentary was enjoyed with solid transitions and a slightly better flow than lucy's, the story itself was also not creative per se with a mother avenging her son's death but the presentation was enjoyable and your talents in writing and storytelling shone through, it was also a good take on the quote but not so good on the picture, definitely not my perception of a kid pointing down 'from above' but it worked i suppose being that the picture was a son pointing down from above (just not heaven which is what you suggested), nevertheless the story here was more complete with more given to the reader and the bulk was less brief and gave more time to connect, nevermind what i just said as i just read the ending because i wasnt there yet before my computer cut off, decent tie i suppose to the pic and i appreciate the fact that you used it being that it was a tough pic to write to, still the plot was not creative but done well and didnt seem played or cliche but read like a good story with good transition/commentary/and descriptions, overall i enjoyed it

    a good match but meta redeemed himself here, there were less faults with his verse and the good was stretched farther whereas the first 12 of lucy's was a failure in my eyes and then the good just felt brief, for the most part both have upped there game in storytelling and it shone through here but meta had the more complete story

    so by a clear but still slight margin, vote - metasin

    lucy could have pulled it out here because his idea was just as good but again i disliked more about his verse and what i liked was brief, i do think that his ending may have been better though but the beginning was definitely a waste and i think it cost him the match

    good battle fellas
    test
  8. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    13,681
    lucy - grafiti pieces have been done over and over again...prolly one of the better ones was actually done by baron not to long ago, however this was decent for what it was...the first 12 lines could have been scrapped and written in a much better fashion...instead it was just irritating to read and annoying...once the scene built up you have him running and such, but his actual passion is never embraced...only how he's deemed a deviant and then he's killed and all the sudden put to work on god's greatest canvas...meh...I think the fact that you killed him off all together was rather predictable...although it would have been better if he got away...masking himself in the clouds he painted...some great escape...would have been a more clever play on the topic.

    Meta - I think this piece was very satisfying...everything ended the way that it should in a sense...I'm actually all to familiar with this type of story because of mandatory Intoxicated Drivers Resource Classes I had to take after a DWI, but yea...this kind of shit happens everyday and the people get off without all to serious punishment and I'm against that...I appreciate that the mother avenges her son...I felt like all the images and emotions you displayed were on point and it made for a smooth enjoyable read.

    vote = meta.
    test
  9. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2007
    Messages:
    549
    Lucifa

    wow, how irritating that intro-section was... choppy and weird (even discounting the structure)... because i used to bomb the shit out of every train and clean wall available in my early teens i could connect to this, but in all honesty the story as such was uninteresting the end defined by a failed attempt to make this stand out (as i see it)... mechanically this was alright, the wording not really spawning alot of imagery

    MetaSin

    the flow was a little annoying, on some nursery-rhyme shit (which made the rhythm all "bouncy")... good narrator's voice though, engaging storytelling (which is becoming a rarity these days, it seems)... you managed to convey the emotion of "seething anger" very visually in this piece... i like pieces that take a moral stance, a fairly fresh take on "vengeance"

    vote: MetaSin

    he plotted out his story better
    test
  10. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,154
    luc:
    nice lil flow to this, nothing seemed stretched or forced... Story pretty cool simple put very potent.. I think the only thing i would have added to this was more artistic dialogue through the middle to keep the readers mind on the artist himself but yeh all in all not too bad dude.

    meta:
    I liked this vocab was on point with some pretty cool end rhymers n multi's.. Structured well n story was up to your usual standard too.. I think the struggle with the loss of her son was put together nicely n the collapse of the other family.. idk if it need last bar but strong piece all in all.. Nice verse dude

    vote = metasin

    Story developed smoother with stronger vocab and more polished emotion.. nice drops
    test
  11. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 1999
    Messages:
    1,517
    luc - i really didnt like the first part of your verse with the I.., I... it got redundant really fast, after that it picked up and the flow was nice, but rhyming universal with hurts all is really forced IMO, as for the story, it was quite interesting but for some reason, not sure if it was the way you wrote it, it was very hard to get into, it didnt seem too interesting and i think thats what hurt you the most

    meta - ill story, i was wondering how the story was going to unfold with you exposing the son died so early in the verse, and thus propelled me to read on........ flow was good, i think at times luc had you in the department but you were more consistant with it, where you killed this was with your story, very well told and captivating, not much else to say.......


    vote - meta
    test
  12. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    MetaSin wins 5-0
    test
  13. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    metasin wins in votes, 5-0
    both post voting links
    lucifa is docked one link due to insufficient voting
    metasin still wins, 5-(-1)
    test
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