[WK 12] CONTENDERSHIP: 3. Eye-Rime 3-0 vs 4. DaAlmightyDolla 10-6 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Lucifa, Apr 28, 2008.

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  1. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    19,109



    [​IMG]

    ----- The RSTL Official Rules & Regulations -----

    "GENERAL RULES"

    VERSUS DUE: Every Thursday @ 11:59 PM EST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
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    • Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent
    • If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    • CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    • Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics
    • A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
    • If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 4 lines (4-15) AND 2 voting links in order to claim victory
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    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    test
  2. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    25,850
    test
  3. Eye-Rime

    Eye-Rime the intellectual.

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2007
    Messages:
    659
    i wish i had more time for this,

    [​IMG]

    RHYTHM AND BLUES
    THE DEATH OF A SALESMAN


    Black shoes,
    A shirt and tie,
    ...Hat and pitch in the case
    Steady knocking at the door to sell editions of 'Bake' -
    The sickest of traits
    I had to live and know that this is my fate
    I reminisced as she wooed my ears
    Taking sips as I drew my beer -
    The mood was clear
    Inviting sounds sang soft in the backdrop
    Hands clapping to dim the lights
    …In a cozy loft as my slacks dropped -
    The act stops
    Reaching out, gripping the cutest physique
    Viewing this freak
    Watching her body move in tune with the beat -
    Refusing to speak
    But jaws fell at the sight of her flesh
    Eyes glued to her every move
    Mind: highly possessed -
    Teeth biting her dress
    Captivated by the thought of her bare
    Oh, my precious tiny dancer… such a naughty affair -
    Hands all in her hair
    Drawing her close to my pelvis
    Face pressed against the sofa, curling toes 'cause she felt it
    Then slowly, we melted -
    My penis froze in between it
    Watching forever pass before I even notice she's screaming -
    I suppose I was dreaming
    Mind blocking her yells from my brain
    A pretty dress now ruined; body swelling from pain -
    Holding my throat as I hacked
    Feeling the heat of her blue eyes burning a hole through my back -
    My state was vile
    So confused by the room as I faked a smile
    Wondering how I got so lost in the tune that I raped a child -
    Her face: beguile
    If I let her live, then I'd surely be hung
    Watching the blood drip from her skin as her purity sung -
    My esteem breaks,
    So I think straight, and then reach for my briefcase
    For a clean slate,
    - I start to swing with a deep rage at her bleak face
    With a mean pace,
    Hushing the dread; face gushing with red
    …But I never cease to swing; my case crushing her head -
    Then I blush at her dead
    …Carcass; button my shirt and my pants
    Grab my hat off the couch’s arm and start converting my stance
    So nervous, my glands
    …Sweat; leaving before they could find me
    From the street I see their car and think, “How perfect my timing!” -
    The worst was behind me
    Moving on, neither nervous nor bothered
    ‘Til my eyes catch a glimpse of the little girl that I slaughtered -
    Singing that same inviting song
    …And I was settling in
    Strumming the strings of her guitar, with such a devilish grin -
    Choking, I stopped,
    Pausing to focus; in shock…
    Wishing she never opened up the fucking door when I knocked -
    Inviting me in, mind sedated by tunes
    Slowly dancing to the rhythm; orchestrating my doom -
    My fate was my tomb,
    And I was stuck on the score, so…
    I sang along,
    As the oncoming train ripped and pummeled my torso -



    [​IMG]
    test
  4. DaAlmightyDolla

    DaAlmightyDolla Greatness

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2005
    Messages:
    24,914
    Ignore the propaganda, I'm searching for proper answers
    how could I dodge all the bullets when the whole worlds popping at ya....
    laughing at ya, even when you contract the worst of cancers
    If I'm cursing at ya. It doesn't mean that I'm really upset
    its just how you speak when you're raised in the BX
    a type of defense established during recess
    because as a child, physically I never had any body
    all I could do is hope that any body would stand behind me
    but when the playground got rowdy, I stood alone
    with a mouth free to roam, I spoke louder than on the phone
    and took the opportunity to leave a mind fully blown
    I picked up my book bag and took my ass strictly home
    now its different because the littlest dude carries heat
    just when you thought only love could sweep you off your feet
    the mag puts you on your ass..

    pooow... take a seat

    But Ive never been scared to speak
    so let my lips move until my body leaks
    because even when my body's weak..
    you should fear the point of my bloody beak
    or should I say the point I'm trying to prove
    I shall not be pushed aside, I shall not be moved
    I'm here for the long ride, I finally found my groove
    I found my place in life and its not beneath you
    If I could reign as number 1, why settle for number 2
    If I don't like what I'm seeing, why not get a better view
    If you're hurt in the process that's just bonus points
    you think your feelings were considered when I wrote this joint..
    fuck outta here, please take your head out your ass
    its not hard to grasp. you are no longer in my class
    Ive expelled you, common sense will tell you that you couldn't last
    but everyone wants to prove themselves after their prime
    then becomes a sourpuss like coronas without the lime
    I'll eagerly cross the line if it means getting whats mine
    but thats all in due time. I'll wait patiently for you to fall
    I could never fumble if I never carried the ball
    so you have everything to lose and I have everything to gain
    I'll play this game with a chess masters brain
    you're 1 step closer to death when put in check
    If all my moves were right..
    then I'll say good night with the next move of my knight
    and I'll cherish the sound when your crown bows down
    I'll humble the suits and gowns with words so profound....
    I'll have no choice but to be world renowned
    I've warned you now, suck it in and take head
    I shall succeed on my venture to take thy lead
    as you indeed subside under awaken eyes
    I reside with my prize when you're no longer in the publics view
    I can careless what you have been through
    because Ive been through worse
    can't you sense all the despair in every verse
    the discontent in every line,
    the emotion in every word,
    the sorrow in every letter....
    and the only thing to make me better...
    is the position you possess and the title that you hold
    when satin came knocking and your soul was sold

    as
    The Top Dog
    test
  5. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2001
    Messages:
    25,850
    up over extensions
    test
  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Q - you always have absolutely no reasoning behind killing people...it makes it less interesting...if only there was a motive it'd make for a more sinical more relatable piece...instead it seems more like a mechanical approach of an "oh let me kill someone" to create a plot...meh...the flow was smooth though and enjoyable...I liked the read...but i felt it could have been so much more.

    Dolla - this was a real let down...you came somewhat well against me, but here you just wrote an open mic piece hoping that it would pull something out for you...the read was pretty smooth, but your scheme is very basic and your whole message was very "blah" to me because I've heard it so many times from so many rappers...there was some nice wordplay in there though.

    vote = Q.
    test
  7. RICO

    RICO my daughter right there

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2002
    Messages:
    6,773
    Q-i do gotta say.....when i enter a match with your name on it i expect to read something awesome.....kind of a let down this week. the story...for me was koo, the whole saleman out selling cook books, meets a girl they start talking.....and then outta no where....boom, he kills her.???? kinda sudden...not set up or nothing....any way, the piece was very smooth, you gotta awesome flow......i always have no trouble reading anything from you.....

    im sure if you had more time it woulda been better developed.


    DAD-for me this piece was decent.....ive definately read waaaay better stories from you. although this wasnt bad....it was nowhere near what you usually bring to the table. the story more felt like a open mic. kinda dissin on Q, right? or was it your oppenent in generaL....either way it worked for me....but the scheme was basic and the flow at times for me was a lil off. compared to Q's. not saying it didnt flow, just comparing thats all......good meta4's aswell....

    kinda upset about the way this turned out.....


    RAP-up:
    as far as judge'n goes....i dont look for scheme, vocab, structure or anything technical. i vote for who's ever story i enjoyed reading the most. PERIOD

    vote-Q

    thanks for the read though guys...
    test
  8. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,146
    q:
    yeh dude a shit load better then last week man.. it started off with a nice rhythm n structure.. then bout qauter way down you lost n lines came across as stretched.. Story nothing special or that original but ok.. not bad all in all

    dad:
    i wasn't a huge fan of this.. it sort of seemed like a drawn out keystyle.. n the stories climax wasn't clear.. The wording was a bit meh and the development was well it was not there, as all this had for substance was "im cool - you're not" line drummed over n over again.. yeh so i know u can do better.. but hey atleast you showed..

    vote: quriosity

    a more developed story
    test
  9. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    not battle of the week .. but not bad ..

    Q - you seem to have this fall back of abusing kids in your pieces when you're pressed for time .. it's starting to wear thin and I think soon it'll be a major negative in feedback from people .. you've described the rape scenes better in previous verses and bought through the emotion of it all much much better in previous pieces .. this was ok .. when breaking down all the mechanical aspects the verse was fine .. the content was where this lacked some .. overall it was a decent verse but not up to standards ..

    DaD - I start here where I left off with Q's feed .. this wasn't up to your usual standards .. but I think the concept really hindered you doing something really interesting and creative .. outside of a few lines this was very run-of-the-mill stuff .. also tipped the basic scale a little too far for me .. these verses do come ten to the dozen so you shot yourself in the foot on that before you really started typing it ..

    Vote = Q .. a battle that wasn't as good as many would have thought or hoped .. but Q definitely had the more interesting and entertaining content ..
    test
  10. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2007
    Messages:
    549
    E-R:

    graphic - vivid imagery (sounds like a tired old cliché) but you really made me "see" the scenario... the topic as such didn't really appeal to me - not that i'm squeamish, but it seems alot of people like to write these type of gruesome little stories and frankly i've read too many already... flow was butters.

    DAD:

    this dragged on - had you flipped it and attacked this issue from different angles and with more visual writing you could've pulled it off... i was kind of in to it the first 10 bars or so, but then the mediocre wording/flow and the unoriginal idea started to bore me - this piece felt very generic

    overall

    vote: Eye-Rime

    for the higher quality writing
    test
  11. Infinite Truth

    Infinite Truth ...scatterboxx rocks.

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2000
    Messages:
    7,962
    q- pretty tight verse. played concept, but the imagery was nice, the flow was better than most, the scheme was also better than most, but obviously forced at times. what kept me interested is your ability to write. the story i've heard a million times, but you told it damn well.

    dad- ok. not really feeling it this week. nothing original. lacked extreme creativity. flow was mad shaky. you provided absolutely no imagery. the scheme was weak. & overall, it was just written poorly. last week you kicked it nicely. but i'm pretty disappointed with your verse this week.

    v- q.
    test
  12. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2002
    Messages:
    2,082
    Q. Your flow is pretty fuckin nice every week. So damn consistent and smooth. I think that this verse wasn't too original, but still as far as those verses go, wasn't that bad, just below your talent level. Mechanics were solid, the story was a bit bland, but all in all the fluidity moved me through the verse very well.

    Dad. Seemed uninspired and generic. I didn't know where you were goin with this at all, and though its not as if it was that bad, it was just uninteresting. I'm sure you didn't try too much tho, as you're consistently better than u showed this week. Your flow wasn't terrible, but lacked fluidity, which becomes even more apparent battlin Q.

    Vote- Q
    test
  13. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2008
    Messages:
    8,233
    q - certainly wasn't a bad verse. the flow and scheme were nice. one of the best parts of this verse was your flow, which was very fluid and kept the whole piece in constant motion, which was of course very helpful in keeping up with the story. not the most original piece in the world, but you told it well.

    dolla - i'm usually a fan of your creativity, even if it some times comes off a bit forced. but this verse showed nothing of what i usually enjoy from your writing. it just came off tired and bland. like you knocked out an open mic piece and just hoped for the best. nothing too shit about it, but nothing to really pull me in, basically, it was just rather blah to me.

    vote - eye-rime
    test
  14. .ApoGee.

    .ApoGee. Keep The Peace.

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2007
    Messages:
    162
    Eye-Rime, I like this. The flow worked so well, made it easy to read. The wording was Decent, the detailed imagery was Nice. Though I would've liked how the girl felt, if you transactioned to her character and wrote how she felt, the scream and everything yeah but how did she really feel, you know. Throughout it all, I felt this was rushed, I mean develop rushed, there wasn't no time as to what was the reason for the killing, you just straight into it. Good Write though.

    DAD- After reading Eye-Rime verse, I'm thinking "Oh shiet!!!!!!!", DAD is going to come dope. Then I read your verse and I was like 'ok'. I don't know, In my opinion, this seems more for you than it was for the audience; readers. It was still decent though. Content wise, it was cool but mechanic wise wasn't THAT bad. Good write.

    V. Eye-Rime, I was more drawn into his piece than DAD'S.
    test
  15. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 1999
    Messages:
    1,517
    Q - nice, story was very interesting, and the ending was money-love gory shit-as most folk know by now, structure was good, flow was on point, and diction was nice, not much to say here, everything a good verse should be, most importantly-INTERESTING, lol.......... good drop

    DAD - your structure was nice, flow was decent, diction was a bit better than normal, but what made your verse bland to me was the topic, and your ending was just like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh an ending, lol......... i didnt hate your verse, but reading it seemed more like a chore than something enjoyable, in the end that is what decided thismatch for me, i would give you extra points for creativity though, different this verse it was (typing like yoda cause too lazy to delete and retype)


    vote - Q
    test
  16. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Eye-Rime wins 10-0
    Eye-Rime fails to post 1 link
    DAD fails to post any links
    Eye-Rime still wins 9-(-4)
    test
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