[WK 12] 7. Deadking 4-1 vs 8. MetaSin 7-2 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Lucifa, Apr 28, 2008.

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  1. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    [​IMG]

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    test
  2. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
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    aint this a bitch............

    lol, possible match of the week here
    test
  3. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

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    test
  4. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

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    Jaded Misery


    intertwined with divine deceptions of what i find
    just to keep a narrow path on the line that i divide
    in a time, harsh as these, it gets harder just to breath
    and lately all i need is a person to believe
    that this ring upon my hand, engraved by ancient man
    is simply worn in vain, for i'll be ever damned
    in a land of my own, i'm the ruler and the law
    with a gold trimmed robe as i sit before you all
    in a solid ruby throne, with servants upon my feet
    these mothers and these daughters that i've taken from the street
    will always have to hate me, but i really never care
    cuz i really like to cut them, choke them, and pull their hair
    in a lair, where i torture, my fantasies come alive
    like the hanging pendulum that i swing from side to side
    and its tied to a rope, that travels to a rail
    of a wooden foundation that supports the churches bells
    so you can tell, that anytime an angel gets its wings
    i'll be in the basement watching stomachs opening
    and groveling in their blood with intestines strung a muck
    i ring the bell harder, and the blade cuts bigger chunks
    from the flesh upon the table, this woman can barely scream
    gargling and spitting her blood upon the cleave
    and i watch, as i clench my teeth inside my cheek
    breathing heavily and slow, i'm aroused by what i see
    then i leave, up the spiral stairway to the throne
    as she's left untied, disfigured, mutilated all alone
    then i hear her mourning, so i have to go back down
    i grabbed a sword and trimmed her head
    from her body that's a mound
    and used the blade to clear the table of her mess
    she blossomed like a flower all over my marble desk
    into the wall where i sealed it, all of her remains
    then began back up the stairway with her organs on my brain
    from the passageway behind the curtain in my den
    i emerge to see the slaves satisfied it wasn't them
    then again, it just might, they don't look me in the face
    or maybe its the fact i'm still holding a massive blade
    that i drag across the floor, the screach of its sound
    then yell "CLEANSE THIS BLADE!", just before dropping it down
    the proud family of mine is a bloodline of elite
    so i carry alot of burden to have this legacy keep'd
    as i conquer across the age, bloods spilled in my praise
    my father was a noble, but that's not in my taste
    cause politics i'm not, i rule by fear and spite
    when we move across the land under fluorescent light
    get it right, it is i, that dwells upon fear and agony
    landscapes burn below the ivory terrace of my balcony
    and blasphemy of man, to ever think that he can take
    this empire of mine that i built on souls i break
    when i rode upon my steed, and dashed into your town
    with a hundred thousand men, i burned it to the ground
    profound in my voice, i get my point across
    or u'll get fish hooks in your eyes that'll rip your retnas off
    its enough, just the rush of watching your body hang
    when i stretched out your heart and nailed it to a frame
    up and down the halls, my art is something special
    my inner voice excels when a human is the vessel
    i wrestle with the demons that claim me as their own
    who live inside the shadows, in the corners of my home
    i condone, all their actions, even if i know
    the demons are personalities of mine i cant control
    and maybe thats because everyone i ever loved
    wasnt spared the mercy....
    from my knives, spears, and clubs


    "The strongest man in the world is the man who stands alone." - Thomas H. Huxley ​
    test
  5. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

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    sorry fam, i need an extension.... my inet aint workin....

    see u friday.
    test
  6. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
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    granted.........


    i'll use this post to edit in my votes
    test
  7. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
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    .Dinah.


    [​IMG]


    I've been working on the railroad
    All the livelong day
    I've been working on the railroad
    As you pass the time away…
    Can't you hear the whistle blowing
    Rise up so early in the morn
    Can't you hear the captain shouting
    Dinah, blow your horn


    ‘The sensation hits; she loves the feelin when she takes the dick
    He loves to separate her lips; they both anticipated this…’
    ^
    And every body knows what this situation is
    It seems like people everywhere are fucking for the sake of it
    Nakedness equates to this problem people face me with
    This procreation shit, when unintended, can be dangerous
    Cuz irresponsibillity caused overpopulation quick
    As well as every single one of the problems that came with it
    Atheists compile statistics, and explanation lists
    the public just ignores the problem until taxation hits
    then complain a bit, about money and cost of livin
    but it’s funny… the cost of livin, ain’t money, but loss of livin.
    While dummies are politic’n, they’re ignorin the signs
    Wars, and the crimes, decreasing space, as resources decline
    Abortions incline, yet theres more people than ever
    Yet they wonder why the world can’t seem to get better
    It’s like the species is in heat, with a need for the pleasure
    Timed with the seasons, breeding at the peak of the weather
    But while they obviously think that it’s time for a boom
    I’m on these train tracks daily, just trying to make room…


    Dinah, won't you blow
    Dinah, won't you blow
    Dinah, won't you blow your horn
    Dinah, won't you blow
    Dinah, won't you blow
    Dinah, won't you blow your horn



    I don’t decide the life or the place, not the the time nor the day
    Not the type, or the way of one’s untimely escape
    I’m just a mover, providing a tiny bit of assistance
    A little bit of help, to those unaware their life is missin.
    My image symbolic of the issue confoundin the earth;
    Once so beautiful, with a seemingly insurrmountable girth
    Being depleted, and savaged, because of too much baggage
    Society is bleeding, without the will to make a bandage
    Thanks to you people, I’ve had no rest in some time
    Because if I stop my deliveries, I start getting behind
    And if it starts to seem that I may never get ahead
    I’m going to have a lot of work to do when everyone is dead.
    Today, I’m on time for the pick up, a sole person to ride
    And when I arrive, he’s perplexed, and divertin his eyes
    Confused, and scared, shook… nervous… surprised
    Deterred by my size, feeling purturbed as he tries
    To understand, as I strum my banjo n start to explain:
    “Its just the way of the world, theres no Karma to blame
    for death; Karma started when you departed ya frame.”
    “Heaven or Hell?” he asked…
    I just smiled, stopped singing, and started the train.

    Someone's on the train with Dinah
    Someone's wondering where we go
    Someone's on the train with Dinah
    As she's strumming the old banjo.…


    "Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance." - Kurt Vonnegut

    [​IMG]
    test
  8. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    4,154
    dk:
    man i knew you could bring heat as far as story development and structure.. I think that the amount of gore in the imagery was nice.. also one thing that is a must for you to advance to another level of writing is..

    1: Pace.. You need to work on pace.. you start off strong and just keep getting heavier.. which is soooo fucken good.. but it leads to this..

    2:

    that this ring upon my hand, engraved by ancient man..
    ..

    you have real nice description like this.. In fact your verse is held by this.. as a reader going through i am waiting for all these little bits of information to link up.. into one big climax and the way this was heading it was looking like the "big surprise" with the ever expanding pace and colorful detail was going to be who this character was.. Or a part of his life that's lost from it.. Or a revelation with in the character.. Or even something that kicks the reader in the face..
    But then i hit the end and I find a quote.. of scientific investigator who is know for looking into natural selection.. n boy o boy does it throw the whole verse out..
    I think if you shuffled lines or even better yet starting backwards and the climax was that your character was a king this would i worked real wellllll

    So that's where i stand with this its just a whole lotta fine detail n no end but.. I really dont want you to get me wrong because i think you are a great writer..

    meta:
    lol i did the complete opposite to this verse.. haha.. ok not to clear i like the whole time is controled by innocent hands i think that was brilliant.. i've not only personally never cover a piece on this - i have never read one..soooo massive props.. Your rhythm n structure was smooth and in the end stronger then dk's... I think the main idea for me within the over population theme wasn't displayed clear enough.. i think in parts reading through a second time where a whole a segment hits hard and relates then by the secon stanza it sort of dissolves into the time management idea.. so by the end the only thing connecting both stanzas is this:

    ‘The sensation hits; she loves the feelin when she takes the dick
    He loves to separate her lips; they both anticipated this…’

    now this leads to him sleeping with her making a multi metaphor with time control..

    now if that is what i think it is.. n i tried looking at it through several different ways.. but through the details giving i dont see much else..

    now if this is so it's basicly you wasted your whole verse and killed this first metaphor with over-lapping it with something utterly lame..

    vote = metasin

    ok so im giving you the benefit of the doubt as i dont think you are that weak of a writer.. n im a take it as the quote is for women in general or a just a generic female (his girlfriend/wife) n the possible link with the blow your horn was just coincidence.. now that is a big ask from a reader especially when you separated the quote with an ^

    good luck n nice verses..
    pz
    test
  9. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

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    test
  10. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    deadking - decently written story, the main problem here to me was the flow, it wasnt bad, in fact it was pretty consistent, however the rhythm was somewhat monotone and made for a very boring read, that and the content was dry, some good descriptions in there but also some that werent so believable such as the blossom like a flower line, overall this was pretty good but could have been better, it drug on with what seemed like mostly filler

    metasin - off jump the flow was more engaging and held me in, the wording was well done for the most part with some good lines and overall the content was shorter and sweeter which made for a more enjoyable end product, the second stanza fell off slightly in flow but the end was nicely done as was the correlation to the pictures and the song incorporated into the script, i enjoyed this for the most part

    vote - metasin

    its a shame this has been so overlooked
    test
  11. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    25,850
    MetaSin wins 2-0
    Both post voting links
    Deadking posts 4 times i match
    MetaSin still wins 2-(-1)
    test
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