[WK 10] CONTENDERSHIP: 3. Bodian 5-0 v. 4. Infinite Truth 3-0 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Apr 14, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

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  2. Baron Mynd

    Baron Mynd Swaggersaurus Rex

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    Oh yeah, LETS GET IT ON BABY! :^p

    Try getting 'em up early so we get maximum votes on this...

    Haha,
    Peace!
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  3. Infinite Truth

    Infinite Truth ...scatterboxx rocks.

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  4. Infinite Truth

    Infinite Truth ...scatterboxx rocks.

    Joined:
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    {"stains".}

    {“stains”.}

    [​IMG]

    upon cement, wallpapers stained with menthol vapors
    peal at the edges & reveal tattered wedges…
    when falls the caged bird it sings a sullen cry,
    then brings its lullaby to rest, then calls for our savior.

    ~~~

    tipsy, thanking the hippie blanket for warmth.
    dizzy, pacing. with a mind pretty vacant & torn,
    i snapped camera flashes… fact is,
    you can’t understand our attraction. us lovers ran with our passion.
    i’d numb her thighs… blowing coke off her cunt.
    but summer died… now i’m merely hoping for some.
    choking, i’m fucked… shit, at least, i wish i was.
    nostalgic memories solved by remedies like crystal dust.
    i feel like i’m watched - it’s as if i stand at a podium,
    & there’s a crowd that gathers - a riot - pandemonium.

    [& now…]
    i’m blowing elliptical smoke rings, wishing & hopin’
    you’d come back, ‘cause when you’re here, the city is golden.
    a brisk breeze blows & causes the shutters to rattle,
    while troubling shadows dance beneath on rubble & gravel.
    we’d rustle & travel through bed sheets, sweetly sweatin’ heavy,
    tensely pressuring muscles. in pleasure we nuzzled gently.
    now i see creeps walking streets - hooligans, hookers, & hoodlums.
    there’s punks bullying chumps. they shook so they should run.
    it reminds me of my sins committed – the fights with my baby...
    remembering a better time when life wasn’t crazy…

    the mirror’s broke frame’s oh-so stained with cocaine.
    i’d blow grains lined up, till i’d feel no pain.
    i live in perpetual regret. i’m a wreck. yes, i’m a mess.
    it ain’t exceptional. accept the fact its skeletal’s at rest…
    ‘cause certainly, you were my everything…
    & i felt it all collapse within as i heard the choir sing
    a hymn composed of indecisive words heard only by our shadows,
    so i buried forevermore in a time capsule & let all of time travel.
    …the requiem of our relationship was bittersweet,
    & each minor chord that would ring would bring misery…

    ~~~

    reminiscing… forever wishing i could take it back.
    the depression kept in lessens my sanity – it makes me mad.
    i remember that grey ash of the cigs that dripped on the train tracks.
    i remember the great impact… like “bitch - take that!”

    it makes me insane no one understands… jesus christ…
    & i forever seek reasons for the bleakness of life.
    what a reasonless fight… there’s no just explanation…
    evil demons take flight in airs & rush - heaven’s vacant…

    ‘cause i was at the train station waiting to see her off
    when i pushed her as her water broke & whimsically watched...
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  5. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    Granted.
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  6. Bodian

    Bodian Mahatmaghandi Warholishit

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    89
    "Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither."
    C. S. Lewis


    [​IMG]



    The room heaved with guests keenly dressed up in their evening best;
    She keeps a restless eye on proceedings right until the scene is set.
    "Tonight," she sings with a smile that's beam begets a gleaming jet ..
    "I’m going to teach you how to get anything you want, in just three easy steps."
    The men in the room became a sneering pack;
    Leering back at her from behind a cheering mass of beards and hats.
    Most of us only wanted one thing –
    And she’d just volunteered to tell us how to get it, so we were RAPT!
    "There are a few simple psychological tricks,” she tried to gestate,
    While sat among her tidied desk space ..
    “…that you can apply in ANY situation to guarantee you of a high success rate."
    “The techniques are easy to use,” she seemed to conclude through lips pristinely painted
    “...and by the end of this course - You'll be irresistibly persuasive!”
    It must work, I tend in thought.
    With my eyes centred coarsely on her slender form;
    After all, she persuaded us roomful of people to spend-a-fortune and attend this course...
    “But first, let me introduce myself.”
    I wished she’d talk to me alone in that haughtiest of tones.
    “My name’s Kerry Price.
    I was an advisor for Loreal before opting to run these courses on my own.”
    My eyes begin to shift and linger swiftly on her swinging hips;
    Before that dreaded ring would pinch,
    Down on the same spot where my wedding finger itched!
    The pain was sharp and I screamed.
    I glimpsed at her marvellous teeth as her lips parted to speak;
    “Would you like to introduce yourself?” she toyed. These people always started with me.
    “I’m Rob Lawton. A soap salesman.” I blasted with bile after a while;
    Then collapsed in a pile within my seat as the coquette flashed me a smile...
    When “I need you to think of something you want,” came her request;
    “This can be anything at all. Just something you’re unable to get.”
    I wanted Kerry... And I found it funny-that in this unique honey trap;
    If she turned me down, it proved her theory wrong,
    And I could have my money back!
    I dropped the wooden act but failed to follow as my brain was boggled;
    With confidence tips, ‘Yes Mindsets’ and several persuasion models.
    I made a novel move and built up the guts to say as we took a break;
    “Would you like have dinner, later?” the second she pushed my way.
    The look my face held was such a state;
    She calmly assured me with “Yes.”
    As the allure she possessed added more to the vested furore of sex...

    ...We never even made it to dinner!

    After thirty fleeting minutes, we were finished;
    I was looking where my cigarettes went...
    When she asked “So this age-defying cream’s your companies big investment?”
    “Yes, I’ve told you already,” I snapped,
    “Then how does it work?”
    Sigh.
    “There are nanoids in the powder at first, so when applied, it arouses the nerves.”
    I fixed the button-downs on my shirt, then casually tossed her a morning robe.
    When “Thanks for a great night,”
    Became “Rob, there’s something you ought to know before you go...”
    I paused and closed the door;
    These walls were that-frail you could hear a cat wail.
    “It’s time I showed you three more steps, Rob. Deception, bribery, and blackmail.”
    I stammered a few, times before I finally gathered the truth;
    The fact that us two happened to screw was all part of an elaborate ruse.
    “See, I deceived you into thinking I’d left Loreal;
    Then I bribed you into talking with sex.
    Now I have your companies secret, and I intend to blackmail you for all you have left...”



    DaMn!


    [​IMG]
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  7. Bodian

    Bodian Mahatmaghandi Warholishit

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  8. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    fuck both of you and your fancy vocab...

    easily battle of the week

    IT - this flowed damn near perfect and the scheme was fire...I loved all the images and the maturity of your word choice that really brought this piece to light...and to me, that ending was fucking clever as hell...it was a good end to a troubled relationship that just worked for me.

    Baron - the vocab was top notch and the flow was good...you definitely caught my interest by developing a pretty well crafted character who's struggles I could appreciate...I think the piece as a whole really worked and you delivered it well.

    my vote however goes to IT as I feel his piece was just slightly better written.
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  9. E. Grimm

    E. Grimm New Member

    Joined:
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    WOW!
    I. Truth and his whole verse just skipped from good and landed somewhere between 'kick me in the teeth' and 'gut wrencher'. That story was full of great wording, a smooth flow that just killed within each stanza, and the whole concept was really well conceived and wrought. The only things I have problems with is that it seems there like, a syllable here and there that might make a line too long. Otherwise, this is probably a favorite piece of mine, in a long time. Really nice.

    Bodian's verse was hot too. I felt like the longer lines really pushed a lot of narrative into this piece. It worked a lot of shit into a little space, and then the story flipped in the end and was semi-surprising. A good little change-up. Some of the flaws in this came with a lot of lines using awkward wording that seemed out of place. One word would be used with an extra descriptive phrase or word attached that I really did not need to understand the image or the idea. That was all.


    I think I have to give this to Infinite Truth, as I was just really spell-bound by the ability to move a story so smoothly. Especially in and out of the actual narrative like that.
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  10. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    IT - what can I say that I didn't say in the mag? .. your wording at time borders on exqiusite .. a fluid read and a decent story .. I say decent .. cos your writing outshines the content and makes it hard to say it's a basic plot when it's written with such individuality and style .. verse oozed quality ..

    Baron - well .. the plot was something else .. fresh? I'm not totally sure .. but I've not read a story piece along these lines since entering the league .. so it was certainly of a unique nature .. there were some nice multis and some not some impressive wording mixed in to this verse .. it was strong showing for sure ..

    Vote = Infinte Truth .. he outclassed Baron this week even more than last week .. I think IT showed the determination to win this one outright .. outstanding wording at times that just melts infront of your eyes .. IT has champ written all over him .. Baron will be back in contention before long though .. good battle guys ..
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  11. DaAlmightyDolla

    DaAlmightyDolla Greatness

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    IT
    ... i dont know wat it feels like 2 be high but i think i was on something reading ur verse. it felt like i was some 70's hippie. the way your words come 2gether is surreal in the first couple of stanzas. u did come back down to earth nearing the end but i wont fault u. the story in itself wasnt bad. the water breaking came out of no where. overall 9/10

    baron
    .. ur verse was of high calibre also. the narroation was sick. it felt like 1 of those private eye movies where the detective is talking to himself. it was well written. the long bars didnt really take away from the flow however there were sometimes where i puased when i shouldnt. ur verse would have beaten many ppl just not IT this week. overall 8.5/10

    good show

    v- IT

    battle of the week. u guys just set the bar 4 the new season. i may actually have 2 revert 2 my old style 2 keep up
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  12. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
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    549
    IT:

    fluid and natural transitionings - i won't lie i thought your mechanics studdered a little here and there, but conceptually this was a text book example of natural progression. some words reappeared and and there's a certain duality about that - some words are simply perfect descriptions and synonyms just won't cut it, but it also lessens the impact of the lines they're in... but then again this was a showcase of a facile plot. overall a dope piece here.

    bod:

    your rhyme scheme becomes needlessly complex at parts, and the flow suffers (i'm prone to do this myself with all sorts of formations: aabba, abba, abbacca and so forth), but you've successfully implemented elements of classical rhyming poetry (se edgar allan poe) into a topical type narrative... good fusion of a strict rhyming regiment and a natural plot development, but the ending was only so-so (in relation to the massive build-up)

    even though his piece was a little more straggling i have to give bodian the nod for innovation and flair here, though it's by the fraction of a hair

    vote: Bodian

    quality battle fellas
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  13. 4th Dimension

    4th Dimension New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2008
    Messages:
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    infinite truth:

    not quite as captivated as those before me, but this was definitely a solid presentation, few beefs however: (1) the flow was inconsistent, there were very strong parts and then wordy parts that through me off, also some lines were stretching to rhyme together while others flow seemlessly, and (2) the finisher was not only very abrupt and offered little connection the rhyming was off, good ish nonetheleast and i did enjoy the ending and understand its abruptness, also the imagery was strong and the word usage, nice drop overall

    bodian:

    impressive display of flow and mechanics and storytelling and this that and the other but overall this story was dry and uncreative, the overall concept was a classic one of deceit and minus the wordy lines and numerous multiples you basically added nothing, maybe its just me and not saying that i didnt enjoy this because i did but the story itself drug to a end that i had read before, nothing new and nothing spectacular

    vote: infinite truth, although both were strong displays of talent one was truly more creative and captivating and also shorter and sweeter, dope battle though fellas and much respect to two advanced writers
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  14. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    4,146
    inf:
    Def had this gritty, dirty n most of all realist feel to it.. You captured his torment well and portrayed his world in shambles with some top notch writing. I think your wording like usual is what stood out.. i think the only deference is this week you added a dark tinge which showed a new side of you.. Big ups.

    baron:
    man il be serious this is the best verse i've read from you.. n im not talking flow cause your flows usually straight but more about how you delivered the story itself.. I think the story idea isnt that exciting to be honest inf killed you on that but for what it was you def made the most of if.. I liked the slow play on the stories details and the well thought out insight into the characters.. nice drop

    vote = infinite truth

    IT dropped stronger vocab and created a more realistic world..ne whoot gl guys and nice match
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  15. Smoke Trail

    Smoke Trail Writing My Life

    Joined:
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    2,843
    IT - i dont really have much to say about this cause i mean i come in lookin for critizism which i dont have any at all in your piece besides the ending, like i think some others above said it is kinda abrupt, which can be good and great in some places, but here i think it worked against you, but everything else was on point and i liked this alot

    Bodian - aight, first off this story is better, and as soon as i felt myself fallin into disinterest, something grabbed my attention and i wanted more, to behonest after i read IT piece i felt like you would take a fall here, and seein that everyone voted for him i could have just wrote some bullshit and voted for him cause at this time i dont think you are gunna come back and take the win, but with everything being about equal here i believe your story overpowers his, so good work and this was very tough decision but,

    Vote = Bodian
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  16. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

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    inf - you're a fucking dick mate. that said, this was a very nice piece. some of your wording is just obscene in the way that it comes off. not to ego boost, obviously. this was a very well written piece all in all. i enjoyed the ending myself, fitted the piece i felt. basically just a really well written piece.

    bod - i personally felt that some of these lines were stretched, made it difficult for me to get into the piece. having to constantly find where i should be in the flow made me feel somewhat distanced from the piece. however, the rhyme scheme was fucking fire. it somehow detracted from the piece for me though. all in all though, an enjoyable piece.

    vote - infinite truth
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  17. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
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    Good fuckin battle....

    IT. When I battled GL and you popped up and voted against me (harshly) I was like this dude better be somethin of a beast with the writtens. Well needless to say you're def one of the best here... I really enjoy the way you write, as the story moves so fluidly. Your mechanics are dope, especially in regards to the flow... Your ending was prolly the weakest part of your verse, and it wasn't bad, just not as good as I expected. I expected a bigger payoff, although I did kinda lol at you shovin the pregnant bitch in front of the train.

    Baron. You've got this original style that I love, cuz it's hard to pull off a structure where certain lines are so long, yet the flow doesn't suffer dramatically. I think i tried to narrate like you last week, and I didn't do it nearly as well, especially mixing in dialogue. Your flow wasn't as good as IT's but your story was original to say the least, and I really enjoyed the progression as well as the ending. It felt like everything in the story connected to the end, and made sense, without being forced.

    Vote: Baron, purely for the fact that I liked the originality and the payoff of his end more. It was better developed, as she did "teach" him how to get whatever he wanted, in 3 easy steps, while using them to get what she wanted. Dope, cuz I didn't expect that.

    Last week you had sucha good verse, and just went on a tad bit too much after I thought it should've been ended... this week you ended on the climax much better...

    good battle fellas. def the best I've read this week, and either of you has more than a good shot at getting the title next week.
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  18. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    IT

    Verse was very eloquent very well written. Structure easy to read and follow. The story started well in the beginning waned in the middle but took a major turn at the end...the build up to the twist was very nice. Average flow of multiple syallbles. Logical yet twisted.

    BODIAN

    Story began kind of candidly and expected. Rhyme scheme and multi's very nicely done there. The vocabulary on point. Good relevance to the pictures, was sort of confused to the relevance of the qoute. I can only figure it ties into giving it all only to lose it all..but the qoute is almost reverse of this.

    OVERALL

    Good literary peices/reads. Vocabulary for both pieces were exceptional and both flowed very well. IT's beginning and end tied in smoothly, while BODIAN's seemed thrown in...seemed like you ran out of words near the end.

    VOTE: IT for an overall better story, flow, and relevance.
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  19. basic|s|kill

    basic|s|kill New Member

    Joined:
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    Infinitie truth: your imagery was awesome. Rhyme scheme/flow was on point too. I particularly liked the section:

    "while troubling shadows dance beneath on rubble & gravel.
    we’d rustle & travel through bed sheets, sweetly sweatin’ heavy,
    tensely pressuring muscles. in pleasure we nuzzled gently.
    now i see creeps walking streets - hooligans, hookers, & hoodlums."

    However, your twist at the end was kind of lost on me..I don't really think it was built up to enough to particularly shock.


    Bodian: A nice rhyming scheme too. You developed the story well, and it fel very natural - no stretches just to rhyme lines. However, the story kind of bored me. I could see the ending coming so it felt a bit unoriginal. But on the plus side, the imagery you used to describe 'Kerry Price' was brilliant. I liked this section:

    "It must work, I tend in thought.
    With my eyes centred coarsely on her slender form;
    After all, she persuaded us roomful of people to spend-a-fortune and attend this course...
    “But first, let me introduce myself.”
    I wished she’d talk to me alone in that haughtiest of tones.
    “My name’s Kerry Price.
    I was an advisor for Loreal before opting to run these courses on my own.”


    Ovearll, a nice battle. Don't think Ive heard of either of you before, but definitely impressed my the imagery in both. My vote goes to Infinite Truth though, i found his verse more enjoable to read and it had the edge on originality.

    Vote = Infinite Truth
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  20. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    Infinite Truth wins 6-3 .. IT loses 3 votes for lack of voting links ..
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