[WK 10] CHAMPIONSHIP: 1. Lucifa 18-5 v. 2. MetaSin 6-1 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Apr 14, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

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  2. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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  3. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    Come Out And Play

    sits on his bed in the next room to his daughter
    browsing the net for mpegs of sick torture
    ..dwelling in his twisted mental dementia..
    msn lights up - "yo, did u get the email I sent ya?"
    he checks..to see that he's got nine
    ..but ignorance is bliss..
    #Recipient appears to be offline#
    he proceeds to click links while he's got time
    ..before his girlfriend stops by..
    ..and she..
    she was beauty personified
    and if she..knew what he..seeks to see..on his pc
    ..she'd be horrified..
    she was twenty-nine..he was forty-five
    and if he..knew that she..was dirty..as can be
    ..he'd be mortified..
    she's a glorified hooker..letting anyone fuck her
    ..but ignorance is bliss..
    he's unaware of the dicks that reach his lips with each kiss
    ..or so she thinks..
    he grabs his keys and walks in to his daughter's room
    kisses her forehead with a "baby, I'll be back soon"
    ....
    determined features as he drove around town
    ..tracking Chantelle down..
    and as he passed Star Chart Store's car park
    he spotted her car parked in the dark part
    ..shadowed by the large arch..
    switched his lights off..picked a nice spot
    opened his dash and pulled out a 9 glock
    stepped out and crept up on the Ford
    opened the door..swore..called her a whore
    ingites the engine and puts the gas to the floor
    waving aiming his handgun.."have you had fun?"
    the car screams down the street blanking their shouts
    only silenced when he stopped at an abandoned warehouse
    .."get out"..
    smacked each over the head knocking them out
    dragged them in to the building blocking the doubt
    ..of the rationalisation he feels..
    as he reached in to his pocket for a bag of E pills
    force fed them to Chantelle's unconscious body
    "do you see the state in which you've got me?"
    "you've stolen from me the feel of laughter..
    ..but I'll crack a smile when the OD kicks in after"
    ....
    he dragged the guy and lay him naked on a table
    under an industrial fan and plugged in the cable
    flicked open the fuse box to provide electric
    lowered the fan to the point it'd slice the guys erect dick
    ..then he strapped his hands well..
    walked over and started slapping Chantelle
    "wake up bitch it's time to perfrom"
    day light breaking as it starts to get warm
    aroused..she's standing..no sound..she dances
    the ecstacy kicks in and her mood enhances
    ..she removes her panties..
    he punches the guy in the eye "wake up you bastard"
    "Chantelle! Honey. Dance for him"
    she danced hornily as she traced her skin
    he walked out smiling
    "let the game begin"

    [​IMG]
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  4. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
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    Lefty

    It was cold, and I was waitin for these brothers to show
    those mufuckas should know not to fuck with this dough.
    cuz that money I need isn't mine to be lost
    owin a dime to the boss, means my life is the cost...
    I gave him my word; said I could start up a hustle
    low key, and if he invested his part would be subtle.
    nobody would know he was involved in the scheme
    but he'd get a percent, and be apart of the team.
    We had bought up some work, n took over the block
    and had begun to distribute all the coca and rock.
    My partner was Jimmy, and his brother was Paul;
    we kept it a trio, with no others involved.
    which was cool, but now I'm alone on the block
    I told them to meet me, and they know of the spot.
    but now I'm worried, cuz I'm late, and so stuck,
    I didn't move a muscle when the caddy rolled up.

    The window rolled down, and a hand beckoned
    so I walked to the car, and they told me to get in
    I sat on the left, with the boss on the right
    and his goons in the front, with me in their sight
    "Where the fucks my money?" he asked and then paused
    "You better have it, since u sold the last of that raw"
    my silence was equal to an answer to him
    he grabbed his cane, and I got a crack on the chin
    "You got til midnight; I'm not asking again.
    and if I don't get it, I'm goin after your kin."
    the driver pulled over; I got out when he stopped
    pissed the fuck off, I looked down at my watch.
    A quarter past ten... I started to run
    it was a big city, but I knew what part they were from
    20K is big cake, plus the reup to flip weight
    they was trynna skate, and they'd pay for that mistake

    I got to Jimmy's at about 10:30...
    trynna hurry, cuz the boss's threat got me kinda worried
    so I pull out the piece, and pounded the door
    then opened it to see them coked outta their gourds
    Paul jumped up, and he got shot in the leg
    gun fire scared Jimmy, and he was prompted to beg
    "Shutup! Where the fuck is the money Jimmy!?!?!
    I'm in a fuckin bind, so u better stop fuckin with me!"
    he looked over by the scales, and I spotted a briefcase,
    with money and weak yay, cuz Jim was a cheapskate.
    there were two plane tickets, plus Paul and Jimmy's visas
    these divas forced my hand, now I gotta grip the nina
    and pop off, to make an example of these ladies
    so that nobody else ever thinks of trying to play me.
    I completed my task, and glanced at my left wrist,
    my watch reminded me quickly that my family was at risk

    I took off as fast as my legs would allow,
    nervous as fuck, wipin the sweat from my brow.
    I reached the boss's place, and then climbed the stairs
    when I reached his gaurds, I had no time to spare
    they let me in, I bowed down, and kissed his hand
    "Boss, I got your 20 thou', and sixty grams."
    he examined the case, and he put it away...
    then glanced at the wall, and said "Looks like you're late."
    I looked at his clock, and saw that mine was slow...
    "Boss, there was no way that I could know..."
    "We had a deal, n it would mean your family's end
    but you did bring me my money, and handled ur friends.
    So instead, your punishment will be chosen by me...
    You will be my right hand man, now roll up your sleeves."
    I did what he said, and he grabbed a machette...
    n that's how I got a role in la familia, and earned the name lefty...

    Times are hard. You've been to a loan shark to borrow money and are now behind on your payments.
    [​IMG]
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  5. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    lucky me...I get the first crack at this royal disappointment...i've read far better verses from both of you.

    Lucy - ok first off...the first bar annoyed the fuck out of me...it just starts so abruptly...it's almost like who sits on the bed...how hard is it to place a name there...little things like that, basic mechanics...anyway...parts of this flowed silky smooth and had good progression, but some parts just seemed out of place and almost manic considering how plotted out and planned the whole end to it was...with her dosed with extacy to dance for him and the fan over the guys shit so that when he gets hard it gets cut off...plus just because she's doped up on ex, she'd be more likely to go over to him and it's not like someone who's rolling face has no idea as to what's going on...it was a kind of cool ending, but it left me unsatisfied...

    Meta - I don't know what it is about pieces like this, but they seem so primitive at times, the cliche drug dealer story in a sense...at times I felt like I was watching that terrible ass movie with all those rappers, the fuck was it called...anyway...I think this would have read smoother if you cut down your bars a bit...like certain words you could just do without which i've come to notice, hence why I love the short bar structure, none the less this didn't flow poorly...the story progressed well and I like the whole lefty scenario of paying the cost and how even though he handled his business he still ended up suffering...kind of like a money earned wrongly always brings problems type of bit...

    So this is hard to vote on...let me try breaking it down further by categories...

    Flow: Lucifa B+, Meta B-
    Imagery: Lucifa A-, Meta A-
    Creativity: Lucifa B, Meta B
    Scheme: Lucifa B-, Meta B
    Mechanics: Lucifa B-, Meta B
    Topic Use: Lucifa B, Meta B

    yeah, that doesn't help...I'm going to give my vote to the person who's verse I found more satisfying as far as a better read for me, in truth it really all comes down to the ending of both of these pieces. Lucifa's ending was disappointing, all that scheming all for seemingly nothing all that good. Whereas Meta's ending was more fitting to the mood of the piece and was more satisfying to me.

    vote = MetaSin

    I'm sure this will go down to the wire.
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  6. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    ^ no shows
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  7. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
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    lucy:

    though i generally like to get served more than a gruesome suggestive ending - some food for thought - when i read a piece, i have to say that you do manage to keep the development smooth and the read interesting (much thanks to a balanced disposition between the set-up and climax of your plot). overall your mechanics were strong although a few couplets seemed chopped up - perhaps because of your structure.

    meta:

    ok, this piece was basically something i've read a few times around in the world of topical writing... it's hard to get into when it feels like a template - storytelling 101. mechanically this was an impressive display of slant rhyming and natural progression (the action was fast-paced and graphic) and the level of wording was consistantly high

    overall: i will give the nod to lucifa because his piece was more innovative (he provided a scenario that felt more original)

    vote: Lucifa

    quality match fellas
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  8. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Joined:
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    lucy...

    flow was good in parts in others,ehh...story line was cool...i was expecting something a litle more vivid in twisted by the way you started it, in other words i like the beginning but it slowly declined for me, ending wasn't too great, all in all this was an average and well written piece it just lacked due to what i was expecting yea getting your dick cut off is sick torture but i was looking for some hostel off the wall type shit, good verse but not as creative as i wanted it to be

    meta sin...

    flow was cool the read was smooth, well...too me this was a typical gangsta piece, the end was nice though i really liked it,, actually thought it was pretty creative, but the only problem was the rest of verse was very simplistic too me while you had some aveage imagery i just didn't really get into as much

    overall...

    both verses were good, this was a decent champ match, i honestly felt this was rather even and it's hard to vote but if i had to pick i'd say LUCY got this strictly on personal preference....the whole gangsta theme to me isn't too appealing to me anymore...props to both though
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  9. E. Grimm

    E. Grimm New Member

    Joined:
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    Lucifa's verse was straight. A really solid flow and nice movement through the piece. It seemed a tad anti-climactic. The action was nice, but it ended too soon for me. It was suggested, which left out the obvious gore, but still hinted at that gorey end. Mechanically, a very sound piece of writing. The story, though, needed more for me to really connect. I needed a bit more development and a better ending than that cliff hanger you attempted. I did enjoy it, but I definitely feel like you have more in there than that. Almost seems rushed and forced.

    MetaSin's work here had me thinking this could be a really tight little verse. Simple rhymes with subtle slant and inner bar connections. Some really smooth movement. The writing was solid and handled itself by allowing for a build-up, good pacing, and some really strong character traits that connect us with the main character. However, I agree that the gangster/mafioso theme has been done several times. Although this piece was strong, it just wasn't enough to make me forget that the idea has been used before. Overall, your writing is really slick and works well in it's simple style, but the plot needed more for me to kick the old gangster verses out of my head.

    Lucifa gets my vote on this, based on better writing and a little bit better plot. The potential for an really nice story lie in both pieces, but I feel like Lucifa attempted to get to that point, while MetaSin went with a repetitive, over-used plot line. Nice battle.
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  10. Bodian

    Bodian Mahatmaghandi Warholishit

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    I just read this now, Lucy went for the sort of opener he tried a few weeks ago where it was sort of abrupt and started in a pivotal place to the story, and then he build from there with it starting right in the action. I think he went for that again here, but it didnt have quite the same impact to it. Infact it came off quite awkward to me. I liked the section with him at the PC, but then this section just came off awkward for me as well:

    There just seemed no flow to it, it was threw completly off and there was really no need to because it was fine until that point and it wasnt like you were keeping the scheme or mechanics that rigid that you were forced into doing this. I couldnt see why you would, but to each his own...

    I also thought you ended on a sore point, where you could of capitalised on it for a bigger impact. It was fine as it was, but you could have done more with it. Not a criticism, I just expected more from the champ. I want a fuller, well-rounded, and complete piece. Not a sort of 'To Be Continued' feel ...

    MetaSin - I liked the flow to this joint, the whole thing was just vivid and your writers voice pretty much carried it for me. I'm not so much a fan of the shorter bar style, so I agree with you on that, and I think your longer lines pack a lot more actual content and visual imagery to aid the readers. I thought your ending was fresh too, not what I expected, and not what you typically see from these types of pieces. It was pretty dope actually, and your actual dialogue between characters was a LOT clearer, more precisem and wholly more natural which really brings thos echaracters off the page and gives them a life of their own. Thats no easy task, and its something I look for in my pieces a lot too. Both had their pluses, but for me the better executed and wholly mor eenjoyable verse would have to go to MetaSin. This entire section just displays what I mean:

    Its dark, intriguing, and enjoyable. Almsot read like an episode of The Sopranos. Lol.

    MetaSin took this.
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  11. DaAlmightyDolla

    DaAlmightyDolla Greatness

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    lucy- opening was good, middle was just ok and ending was funny 2 me. 2 out of 3 aint bad. ur flow wasnt as good as earlier work. imagery was on point. i didnt need the picture at the end. the woman in my mind was hotter. i would have thought the guy would have used a different method 2 torture the victems but u left it wide open at the end where anything could happen. overall though 7.5/10

    meta
    i dont care how many times a concept is used as long as it entertains me. this 1 did cuz it reminded me of my verse last week with the street mentality. cliches arent always a bad thing. i like how u incorporated the image. ur flow was on point cuz ur vocab was simple and str8 forward. overall 8/10

    v- meta
    lucy was more original but meta was just more enjoyable
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  12. 4th Dimension

    4th Dimension New Member

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    lucifa:

    this was a good approach, the flow was a bit shaky as was the format but i enjoyed the read for the most part, i liked the plot as well as the idea behind the ending and the verse was a creative take on the topic, what i didnt like is the sporadic pauses placed throughout the verse which really hindered the read for me, needless to say i still finished and was satisfied

    metasin:

    good verse nonetheless, but very generic not only in the plot but the approach as well, seems as if you cared less this week than last, regardless i enjoyed the piece but on a more average scale, the flow was good enough for the verse but at times it seemed iffy like the weak yay and other lines where it seemed the content was fitting to the flow, creative tie in to the picture however which scored major points but i felt as though you offered nothing new to your audience, but the story was still a good one

    vote - lucifa, just a more entertaining and creative story, both were damn near equal and i liked both but meta's was more generic and i enjoyed the character development behind lucifa's story, good match though from both corners
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  13. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    lu:
    nice on the flow.. really well structured.. I think the story was fresh at the start pretty twisted which i liked.. the mid was meh.. though The ending was cool nothing over the top but still with enough power to be upfront and in your face.. All up good drop.

    meta:
    so i started off thinkin this was another hood story that dragged on but by the end of the second stanza i got drawn into the gangster world portrayed.. Now i think some wording made a few lines a bit shaky throwing the flow out n on that i was edging towards lu's verse.. But i think your last two lines and the pic connected so fucken well it made up for your minor mistakes..

    vote = metasin

    a real close match metas climax just edged it out though.. gl u two
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  14. Smoke Trail

    Smoke Trail Writing My Life

    Joined:
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    damn another great battle here, dont know to give this battle of week or the contendership, some ill ill pieces here, and both diff. so its very hard to decide, both of you were on point in so many different areas i dont know which to choose

    Metasin- I will have to say if the story didnt end like it did or in an equal way of entertainment Lucifa would have had this one, but you picked a nice way and good ending so thanks for making my decision hard

    Lucy- aight, something i may have chose to do different is more detail, but everything else is on point and good, besides i am not feeling the story as a whole either, guess its just personal prefernce because i like your shit alot and thought you'd have this before i read these, stay up man, one

    Ok, im gunna give this to Metasin, and the sole reason is his piece has more details, depth, and substance, both stories are complete, and both storys great, only metasin has more or a story so

    Vote =Meta
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  15. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

    Joined:
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    lucifa - the flow is definitely one of the plus point to your verses these days. also, the structure really suits your style of writing. i enjoyed the abrupt opening, as it meant that you didnt have to waste bars with a slow opening. straight into the action. it was an interesting approach and i feel that you pulled it off. the sotry progressed well and was definitely an enjoyable piece.

    meta - i dunno, there was such something about this that i didn't like. it felt very formulaic to me. a bit generic. it was pulled off alright but there wasn't really anything that really pulled me in. mechanically it was sound, there were no gaping flaws in the verse. it just didnt pull me into the story the same was lucifas did.

    vote - lucifa.
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  16. Mr. Mynd

    Mr. Mynd The British Guy

    Joined:
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    Smoke, you might need to explain your opinion on Lucifa's verse a bit more. It's in the rules at the top of this page:

    Just letting you know is all.
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  17. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

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  18. basic|s|kill

    basic|s|kill New Member

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    Niiice battle.

    Lucifa: The middle-to-end part of your verse pulled together ridiculously well. The story rounded off jst at the right time, and I didn't see the ending coming - which makes a nice change. Your flow was good too, although the rhyme scheme wasn't quite as good as Meta's. I felt a bit lose with the beginning section, but the rest of your verse was very much dope.

    Metasin: As mentioned above, the flow/scheme was top notch. You managed to get all the rhymes in without sacrifising the content which was awesome. I likd how you told the story, although the end kind've disappointed me - just a little bit cliche in my opinion. However, I do feel your verse linked really well to the picture/topic which was another positive.

    Overall - A bloddy tough one to call, its right that the voting is split. I'm going to have to go for Lucifa though. Just preferred his flip on his topic. Good looks guys.

    Vote - Lucifa
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  19. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    Lucifa wins 6-5 .. good battle Meta ..
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