[WK 10] 23. Smoke Trail 0-0 v. 24. Vigil 0-0 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Apr 14, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

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    test
  2. Smoke Trail

    Smoke Trail Writing My Life

    Joined:
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    test
  3. Smoke Trail

    Smoke Trail Writing My Life

    Joined:
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    This filthy slab of bricks is my ghastly habitat
    The colonized vicinity of sons, daughters, and dads
    Where the past haunts, lingers, and smacks
    …each one of us – not hidden behind any masks
    No laughs - just joyless tasks of pointlessness
    Nightmares shaded by dreams with curtains of bliss
    What is my purpose in this race of abandonment?
    Was I a bad child? Why couldn’t they handle this?
    All memories forgotten besides his hand and fists
    Welcome to the diary of a beaten damaged kid

    September 3, 2006

    Early morning dew settles at the sight of surprise
    My father starting on a few cans as my mother arrives
    She begins sweeping, cleaning, taking the garbage outside
    He continues drinking and drinking until he’s out of his mind
    A fight erupts, over nothing at all
    His grip on reality blinded
    Rips her shirt off followed by her bra
    Ravishing her with mindlessness
    I’m saddened, seeing the pain in her eyes
    Watching my father beat the suppose love of his life
    After she lay without movement
    His pursuit directs towards me
    The aroma of ruthlessness
    Surrounds as he accompanies me
    A right, followed by a left and a swift kick to boot

    And that’s why I sit here always cleaning these shoes
    [​IMG]
    I do this for free – no charge is needed
    Because I believe I prohibited other people from grieving
    Maybe a man with clean kicks is well
    He can forget his problems and not continue to dwell
    If I can stop a father from beating his child
    My purpose is fulfilled and my life worth wild
    Some think I’m crazy, sort of a different kind
    But I like to think I’m simply helping to change a life
    test
  4. Vigil

    Vigil Im infinite consciousness

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2005
    Messages:
    884
    Topics: The Chaos Theory & Society Under Siege

    [​IMG]




    Iraq: Society Under Siege


    dark days in arabian nights where children are raised to fight
    so while I sit here in my safe life, unphased, spending days to write
    there's over a million unborn soldiers trying to make their way despite
    marksmen who are gun-blazin, it's hell raising, an amazing sight
    to see the deacon preaching with might, shining the beacon of light
    screaming "take arms and unite even if it means you'll get beaten tonight"
    but there's no real leader in sight,
    just concealed cheetahs weeping with fright who seek to divide
    they're too weak to decide, that's why they either cheat or lie
    and they're barely sneaking by cause under those robes
    lies men with ambitions without any wonder or scope.
    They're making speeches, teaching islam while reaching for bombs
    just a bunch of leeches in ponds seeking to be a more evil saddam
    And it's hard to recede into a calm
    some say this is in God's hands as if their reading his palm
    but the only fortune tellers in this land speak a different tongue
    the biggest elephant in the room has something hidden in its trunk
    and these mercenaries are land sharks who bore soldier names
    firing with torture flames in crowds they were never supposed to aim
    this is their land, its what they've chose to claim
    its the same old game with new foes to blame
    a whole society under siege, some have rose to fame
    but most are toast with not even the slightest bit of bread to eat
    you comply or get told to spread your feet,
    then shipped to a cell with an emply bed and no threads of sheet
    where they lie down and have their heads get beat
    this is where the dead are meek, the living are outnumbered
    and the living dead are given a number while driven to slumber
    its complete chaos in this torture field, prisoners come by name
    and its all chance so call this war by what it is, a numbers game.
    test
  5. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    19,109
    close and tough to vote ..

    Smoke - I'll start with the negatives .. 1st would be the opening 2 lines .. that follow up line felt so forced it was pretty tragic .. lol .. but my main 'problem' with this verse is the idea behind him cleaning shoes .. now I know we're talking about the reasoning and rationalisation of a child .. but you could have linked the 2 stories together better by atleast having the dad flip out because his wife hadn't cleaned his shoes or something that relates to why the kid chose to clean people's shoes for free .. that said .. the read was alright .. that 1st stanza although starting off on the wrong foot soon picked up and I got in to the read .. so it ended up feeling a bit like a weakish story written to a decent standard .. not a bad read but could have used a little more focus on the plot ..

    Vigil - again .. I'll start with the negative .. and that's the clicheness of this piece .. it all felt like I'd read it before .. and even read it written in a similar style .. there was no feel of uniqueness or individuality in how you tackled this subject matter .. that's the reason most rstl writers will try to avoid using a topical piece about a current event like war .. as it's hard to be fresh with it .. and this wasn't fresh .. the mechanics behind keying a verse were apparent .. although the vocab (nor structure) didn't raise the verse to a higher level either .. it was straight .. and that's about it ..

    Vote = Smoke Trail .. the no show kid decides to grace the league .. it wasn't a great battle but it wasn't extremely weak either .. it was close as there were things to like about each .. but for the lasting appeal .. I would personally prefer to read Smoke's verse again .. so he gets the vote ..
    test
  6. 4th Dimension

    4th Dimension New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2008
    Messages:
    30
    smoke trail:

    the flow was decent throughout with some parts better than others, the story itself had potential but i felt this could have been a little more in depth in description, also the unveiling of the plot or the thesis rather was weak in wording and hurt a lot, the 'kick the boot' line which should have been part of the most important couplet of the entire verse was sacrificed to rhyme with its partner, not a good look but overall this was creative and i enjoyed the just of it

    vigil:

    much stronger display of talent and yet you fell way short of delivering anything along the same lines of creativity, this was a dope open mic piece but nothing new, the flow was noteworthy and as for the topic you did do quite well with it but this concept has been overused so many times by so many people on so many different sites that its so hard to give credit, neat tie in to the picture though and this was definitely your match to win, i guess you should've second guessed yourself here

    im a bit disappointed and torn between the two because the second was clearly better in mechanics than the first but the first had the better story although the most important part of it was sacrificed

    2 short stories that are too close to call, but vote: vigil, although i hate to say it but your display of talent overpowered his story being that it was too abrupt and vague to offer any real emotion, but his idea completely trumped yours and had the potential of being the doper piece

    close match here, props to both for showing up
    test
  7. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,154
    Smoke:
    fairly tight rhythm to this, nicely structured and what i enjoyed the most about this was the unique wording used in occasion it really complemented your piece.. Story wise short but with a sweet meaning behind it.. all in all a good drop.

    vigil:
    I was def liking for most part the flow in this.. some well delivered multis that i think you pulled off pretty good.. The whole Iraq war to me is a lil played out but meh i like the whole numbers metaphor was ok.. Fairly strong piece for what it was.. Nice dude.

    vote = smoke trail

    He just had a more interesting read imo.. gl guys.. pz
    test
  8. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2002
    Messages:
    2,082
    Smoke. This was an okay story, atleast creative to a certain degree. I think you needed some more detail to connect the dad's drunken rage to the kid's emotions and actions, but overall it was okay. Your rhyming was more approximate than actual, and sometimes I didn't like the end words. Your rhyme pattern was okay, as you switched to an abab format for a second, which I also like to use. I wish this story had been longer, but it wasn't bad for what it was. I also think that even though your verse reflects your picture, it wasn't outstanding.

    Vigil. Lucy is right that most RSTL writers would stray away from cliche topics, but I'm a fan of any writing that is done well. A unique topic can still result in a crappy verse, just as a played topic can be outstanding. Yours was neither, but leaned more to a solid written piece with good structure, and although the flow isn't as short as most prefer, I found the rhythm real well. I think you're touching on a topic more used than Smoke, but slightly better. Also, I think your verse reflected the emotion of your picture better than Smoke's.

    My Vote is for Vigil. You get this based on these lines that I really liked:

    but most are toast with not even the slightest bit of bread to eat
    you comply or get told to spread your feet,
    then shipped to a cell with an emply bed and no threads of sheet
    where they lie down and have their heads get beat
    this is where the dead are meek, the living are outnumbered
    and the living dead are given a number while driven to slumber
    its complete chaos in this torture field, prisoners come by name
    and its all chance so call this war by what it is, a numbers game.


    good battle.
    test
  9. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2007
    Messages:
    549
    smoke:

    pretty nifty idea - although i'm a bit allergic to heartbreak and sob stories... i think you should've established and anchored this shoe thing better in the set-up - that would've made your story alot more satisfying... i'd say tighten up your rhymes a little, i like that you don't bother with "perfect" rhymes (as what's really important is the flow), but i had a hard time connecting a few lines... overall pretty tight piece for such short length


    vigil:

    i like your visuals - used nicely here to spice up a topic that felt a bit stale and boring. you have some vivid imagery and if you would've used that and applied it to another concept i think you would've had this one... some of your mutltis were broken (not symmetrical, the syllable count was off)

    overall: smoke just had the more intruging piece here, in a battle that was a pretty good showcase for "short-n-sweet"

    vote: Smoke Trail

    cool match up
    test
  10. basic|s|kill

    basic|s|kill New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2002
    Messages:
    167
    Smoke trail:
    Your verse had more originality. You put a nice spin on the concept and your imagery, particularly about the mother and father, was spot on. However, I did find some of your rhymes a bit stretched, a few of the long words you used seemed to have been thrown in without enough thought.

    My favourite section was:


    Vigil:
    I preferred your rhyme scheme, flow felt better to me. I thought you flipped this topic quite well, and personally don't think you should avoid topics like this. However, at times it felt like you dropped a line or too of cliche just to keep up the flow - but then I guess everyone has to do this at times.

    My favourite section was:

    Overall, a tight battle. Better than other voters are making out IMO. I'd give this one to Smoke Trail though, I preferred his more original take on his topic an dlove his middle section.

    Vote = Smoke Trail
    test
  11. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2001
    Messages:
    5,344
    SMOKE TRAIL

    You had an okay idea here. You may want to consider spell and grammer check though. The rhyme scheme was inevitable, the ending wasn't to surprising or good. The picture tied in well though, and I also liked the journal setup. The ending was just to foreshadowed throughout the story and played out.

    VIGIL

    Ok. The picture I understand as with the topic as well. The ending was probably the best part. The story seemed to run on and run together. A very hard piece to actually concentrate on..not b/c it is hard to understand but the entire piece seemed forced and at parts the rhyme scheme is off. You may want to subtract all the color from your lines and replace it with substance.

    OVERALL

    Both topics very played out would like to see more creativeness from each artist. Also as stated earlier rhyme scheme and interest lacked in places. Positive thoughts on the pieces both were relevant to the pictures and qoute. Just want to see more originality better display.

    VOTE: SMOKETRAIL due to his story actually seemed to be an emotional attachment and he tuned into this..sorry vigil story just didn't hold me.
    test
  12. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    Smoke Trail wins 5- -2 .. Vigil loses 4 votes with no voting links ..
    test
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