With a hand on her stomach

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by MrFlux001, Aug 1, 2012.

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  1. MrFlux001

    MrFlux001 Member

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    With a hand on her stomach
    She’d stare down the passer by’s with her jealousy raging
    Stab at her Starbucks cup and leave the pencil in draining
    Extract the tip and ram it to its grainy death
    But remain jealous at the pencil because she has to take these breaths
    And break these debts that she feels God has punished her with
    She’s the woman encrusted with tears, flustered and rushing too quick
    And it’s a troublesome lift when someone makes her smile
    Because misery and joy have adjacent styles
    Her vacant eyes were like globes, her pupils the destruction within
    So at night its Armageddon as the blackness begins to bludgeon the rims
    The pain is sudden and stings from the thoughts she suffers to think
    So she’d rush for the ink and link them to the death ushered in
    She couldn’t cushion the sinking circles hung from her eyes
    Convinced that she’d die in the night so she lies summoning light
    She was a woman too slight to be considered a healthy person
    Because hell was certain as she shelved the workings of her mind
    And so her shell would worsen
    With a hand on her stomach
    She’d repel assertions and words of support
    Because her symptoms were hurting and worse than before
    And as far as she was concerned, they’ve surged and merged to the core
    But was too scared to dare and check on the burden she bore
    With a hand on her stomach
    The sandy summit of her worries made for a tired mind
    Because while life was flying by she felt that she was buying time
    The tying bind between assumption and truth will dry and wind
    So until that alliance dies, I guess that’s what dying finds
    With a hand on her stomach
    She pops bubble wrap in café’s while staring at a glass vase
    Her past frayed, she pushes back the food because it lacks taste
    Her sad face reflects, concaved, promoting the intrepid state
    Of the incessant fate that beacons, spraying cancer upon her heavens gate
    She levitates in her dreams to a long strip of desert road
    With a silhouette at the end of it but when it comes to her she never knows
    Its identity, because her vision pirouettes and when it holds
    It looks like her severed soul, and there’s a kick to her stomach
    She’s awoken from her slumber and cups tumble from the café table
    Acting able, stumbles to the front, glasses smash as mats curtail
    She’s impassive, frail, wearing a purple sweater and jeans
    Her hairs wet and it gleams as she runs her hand through it
    Subconsciously, for bettering means
    Now she’s a threat on the street with a bread knife gripped in her left
    As she drives it through her stomach she hits a rib as it rests
    She slips on the step and faces God
    And as the shapes are formed, she can’t decipher where the crowds are racing from
    She scrapes her arm from the wayside, null seeps from her lips
    But as he’s feeling her wrist, both pulses cease to exist
    As the pieces of this jigsaw are forced, mouths are screaming in sync
    Because what seemed like a fit turned into the most heinous of twists
    As the ceiling she lives below swallows her whole
    It revealed the blood that was soaking her clothes from the most open of holes
    Her death was broken by cold silence, as the violence settled in
    The violet nestled in-between the cracks of the pavement while time was second-wind
    The kicking stops soon after, and her soul pilots north to castrate the flesh
    While observers stand facing their left, others turn match-making their breath
    She rests with a hand on her stomach, the foetus dies while bands play
    The surrounding crowd didn’t know it
    But the hypochondriac never even had AIDS
    • Hot Thread Hot Thread x 1
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  2. GaLaTeA

    GaLaTeA GymArt

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    This was magnificently written.

    Also, :welcome: to RM!
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  3. L. Kross

    L. Kross His Highness

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    This was good, I like the deep emotional real talk, good mechanics too, just brush up on the technique, keep switchin the rhyme schemes, mixin the schemes, then switchin back, an as far as the content, nobodys perfect just keep the axe to the grindstone an get your game up
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  4. MrFlux001

    MrFlux001 Member

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    Wow, this sunk into the deep abyss with the amount of stuff posted here. Thanks for the comments so far.
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  5. bagglad

    bagglad Member

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    this is good poetry but from the HIPHOP standpoint this was terrible no rhythm or atitude lacking and if you call this HIPHOP then I see why you can't feel mine HA! HA! HA! wow dude picture LIL WAYNE trying to to rap this HA! HA! HA! we on different levels straight up
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  6. MrFlux001

    MrFlux001 Member

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    Why would I picture Lil Wayne rapping it? Why would this piece need "attitude" Define attitude and explain how it would make the piece better.

    Trust me, I don't feel yours because your wording is completely out of context & your shit generally doesn't make sense.
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  7. bagglad

    bagglad Member

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    damn dude boring nothing comical about this piece hell you all serious no attitude nobody sees the real you and damn dude maybe you shouldn't rate my stuff you asked a dumb question why would you picture lil Wayne rapping this ? because he is rapping HIPHOP dude and wow in HIPHOP your wording is terirble because it don't make sense to write all this junk and don't rhyme it
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  8. MrFlux001

    MrFlux001 Member

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    Oh right, so Lil Wayne must be able to rap any piece of writing because he, & only he, makes rap music? Get the fuck outta' here. Eyedea, if he was alive, would write & rap something like this. As would Sage back in the day.

    Do you even know what open mic is?

    This is a realism piece - not to be confused with the usual shite you post with horrible non-sensical rhyming words & no discernible topic.
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  9. Baron Mynd

    Baron Mynd Swaggersaurus Rex

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    I remember feeding this at RnR.

    Really good piece, man.

    Respect.
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  10. bagglad

    bagglad Member

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    dang you putting yourself out there and how many folks from england made it in HIPHOP this stuff rhyme too slow even for back in the day rappers don' t pull my leg just keep writing poetry I'll continue to write HIPHOP
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  11. MrFlux001

    MrFlux001 Member

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    Cheers Baron, appreciated.

    Bagglad, stop writing hiphop in caps.
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  12. Baron Mynd

    Baron Mynd Swaggersaurus Rex

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    Akala
    Bashy
    Blade
    Braintax
    Broke N English
    Chipmunk
    Devlin
    Envy
    Fugitive
    Ghetts
    Griminal
    Harvey
    Jehst
    JME
    Kano
    Lady Sovereign
    London Posse
    Micall Parknson
    Mitchell Brothers
    Nemesis & Arrogance
    Olde English
    Professor Green
    QBoy
    Reveal
    Slick Rick
    Skepta
    Skinnyman
    Tinie Tempah
    Tricky
    Verb T
    Wiley


    There's almost an alphabetical list of names off the top. Keep spouting nonsense, though...
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  13. Gen The God

    Gen The God The Life or Death Poet

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    I coulda swore I read this in the freestyle cypher. Anyways, the fact that this is familiar to me is a good thing regardless of where I remember it from. You really worded this well. There were alot of quotables but this was so consistent that it's hard to pick out any one set of lines:

    She’s awoken from her slumber and cups tumble from the café table
    Acting able, stumbles to the front, glasses smash as mats curtail
    She’s impassive, frail, wearing a purple sweater and jeans
    Her hairs wet and it gleams as she runs her hand through it
    Subconsciously, for bettering means
    Now she’s a threat on the street with a bread knife gripped in her left
    As she drives it through her stomach she hits a rib as it rests
    She slips on the step and faces God
    And as the shapes are formed, she can’t decipher where the crowds are racing from
    She scrapes her arm from the wayside, null seeps from her lips
    But as he’s feeling her wrist, both pulses cease to exist
    ^^^^Dope as hell man. The plot was vivid and gory.


    9.2/10, well worth the read. I had to give this feed along with the other dope rhymes in the cypher to try to slowly push the whack posts off of the 1st page haha. Keep droppin!!!
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  14. bagglad

    bagglad Member

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    wow this verse maybe ten years old is this all you got to offer HIPHOP dude a bunch of suspense and not a lick of rhyming this is terrible for HIPHOP
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  15. Storyteller

    Storyteller .:Your Fav. Mc's Idol:.

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    This was fucking ill for what it's worth man highly respected man for dropping such a long verse yet every bar was entertaining as the last which is really hard to do but you kept it throughout man some lines were meh but 95% was nicely written. Great consistency man props
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  16. MrFlux001

    MrFlux001 Member

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    3 comments and not one valid. You continue to explicably write Hiphop in caps. You continue to only receive negative comments on your writtens. You continue to recycle the same strange vocabulary in every verse you write. You continue to have no flow considering you only write "HIPHOP". You continue to not improve.

    When you swallow your pride and want some advice on how to write, let me know.

    Until then, continue to fail.

    Storyteller - thanks very much for the feedback.

    Little concerned that you've seen it before, albeit in a Cypher. Do biters still exist in 2012?I've really only just started posting at RM so i'm a loss as to why/where you may have seen this before. I've only ever posted it at RnR a few years ago. Anyways, thanks for the read and feedback, appreciated.
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