Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by bagglad, Mar 11, 2014.

  1. bagglad

    bagglad Member

    Oct 4, 2005

    Look this site is whack write rhymes it don’t bite back
    Not a clever deal my mind is never revealed but the lack
    Of knowledge is setback in college, these cats smoke crack
    Some jokes don’t know how to act and getting smacked
    By my verses, yall lines dead call the hearses the hospital
    Nurses can’t save you, belong in intensive care cost little
    Time to write yall crap you not tight behind a wall of rap
    Your flow corrupt not big couldn’t blow up a bridge strapped
    With dynamite you don’t rhyme right so why wear fitty caps?
    No knowledge under that, so hell yall done shouldn’t tell perhaps
    Anyone about your failure the hardcore paraphanalia could fall
    In yall whack faces making yall blind nin-compoops that’s stalled
    In pursuit of some rhymes, legit slobs don’t quit your day job
    You could be a pretty boy Floyd unemployed with no doorknob
    To turn and I’m concerned about your whackness need practice
    It’s a known fact that yall dome is whack even with chrome on
    Your back you couldn’t shine your whackness demolish the strong
    Polish and your rhymes are rusty minds rusty time to trust me
    And listen my friends yall pissing in the winds you not free
    Be fake plenty time I’ve written a great many of rhyme but
    They don’t seem to steam and be extreme in yall whack slut
    ass minds but why is that? You cry for stats but no luck
  2. Enders

    Enders ...

    Mar 13, 2014
    This reads terribly. You can rhyme I guess... but they're extremely forced. Not sure if you're punctuation or proper line structure beyond visual format but its difficult to follow. I lost interest several times before forcing myself to the end, and really go nothing out of it. Work on actual concepts and full thoughts before focusing on how many rhyme works you can jam in one line... also placing primary rhyme at the end of a line doesn't matter if your damn thought bleeds to the next, it just makes the reader pause for no fucking reason.
  3. bagglad

    bagglad Member

    Oct 4, 2005
    The hood design to have a good time so how was the party?
    “Well I became a master being after seeing a chick’s body
    No doubt nice queen wanna go out for ice cream need advice
    Extreme wanna have fun in February so it’s unnecessary
    To carry a grudge, retard mind don’t give me a hard time very
    Tough to recover lot of funk in here got drunk off beer drink
    This junk can’t clear my head, talk jive on the cell phone blink
    Out whose gonna drive me home?” “ Hey dawg take another sip
    Of this” “naw dawg” it’s a matter of time before this wine strip
    And shatter my mind, wanna embrace the cutie a race against
    Beauty now sweaty and ready to kiss this cutie and convince
    She could be my girlfriend good to see my world spin again
  4. Jremi

    Jremi New Member

    Apr 9, 2014
    Agree with Enders, though I'm not dissing, I can't write lyrics that are good :p

    The lyrics themselves are good too, though I personally think it could be improved so it would read better.
  5. The-phuking-makash

    The-phuking-makash somthing somewhat productive

    Jul 4, 2014
    no dome no chrome,
    I just tag and Sherm,
    get my nails done get my hair permed,
    half life for work, half life for books,
    no time for lames, just leave em shook,
    you got an attitude but not on my latitude,
    hurting cause no one shows you gratitude,
    I aint gonna lie, you rhyme like fifty Tyson
    so no props from me,
    no passing go, no ghost writing, your ass got to go,
    acting like you a teacher, acting like you a preacher,
    but I'm in disbelief from all the shit you speak sir,
    maybe it's not real or it's the Sherm talking,
    but if you think you'll get it like that than you need to keep walking,
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2014

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