West: 7. Atheist Vs 10. Unavailable

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Nebz, Aug 23, 2003.

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  1. Nebz

    Nebz R.I.P. Point Game

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    7.Atheist Vs 10.Unavailable

    [​IMG]



    VERSES DUE Wednesday 10:00pm PACIFIC/1:00am EST
    VOTES DUE Saturday 10:00am PACIFIC/1:00pm EST


    Your Topics Are Here:
    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?threadid=626594

    LINE LIMIT:
    4 lines - NO SHOWS
    16 lines - MINIMAL
    60 lines - MAXIMAL


    VOTING:
    No crew votes
    No payback votes
    No 2nd Chance Votes


    YOU MUST MUST MUST -- POST YOUR URL'S OF ALL THE BATTLES YOU VOTED ON HERE IN YOUR OWN THREAD..

    VOTE ON 6 BATTLES!!!!!

    FAILURE TO DO SO RESULTS IN 3 VOTE SUBTRACTION!!!


    if you win by no-show u are encouraged to vote still in other matches!!!!!
    test
  2. Atheist

    Atheist Storyteller

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    Check, good luck.
    test
  3. Og Simmson

    Og Simmson New Member

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    word goodluck...
    test
  4. Atheist

    Atheist Storyteller

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    RSTL: Topic Number 18.


    A man sits in an alley.... covering his face hiding himself from you and everyone else.
    test
  5. Atheist

    Atheist Storyteller

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    I left the doctor's office - it had started off as a routine check up,
    Then I needed an injection when I blacked out from a stupid head rush.
    When I woke up, the doctor said; "This medicine came to the rescue,
    It calmed you down, but don't be alarmed - it has side effects too.
    You'll experience them no doubt; so please don't be touching your car
    Cause you've got memory loss, but you'll be fine in a couple of hours."
    Taking his advice - I left my car even though the darkness had fallen,
    I looked at the six blocks to my home... then I started to walk them.

    "Daddy, I miss you.."

    This is a rough area, if you want no trouble you should flee the site,
    Cause only thugs equipped with guns walk these streets at night.
    But it's okay - I guess this is the price I must pay for living in Cali,
    Then my heart began to race as I heard commotion form in an alley.

    "You're the greatest father in the world,
    I'm so glad you're my Dad."


    I instantly disregarded this strange thought with no need to know it,
    As I was too drawn by the noise that caused the scene of commotion.
    I walked over to the alley - and pushed my way through the crowd,
    Where a young man hid his face from view while he lay on the ground.
    No one seemed to know this kid - and no one had seen him before,
    He kept his face undercover as beads of sweat leaked from his pores.
    I saw no movement from him.... except for the mist from his breath,
    I asked him his name; but he ignored me, he just sat there depressed.
    Moments later - I stood back as I thought that this man was a waste,
    But before I left, he stood up and took away his hands from his face.
    People asked if he was okay, people asked for the place he was born,
    I still had memory loss from the medicine, but I'd seen his face before.

    "What you mean Mom isn't coming home, Daddy?
    Doesn't she love us anymore?"


    "Fuck off, son."

    Thoughts raced through my head..... as I looked this man in the eyes,
    Dirt on his face, dirt on his waiste, he was like a man who'd already died.
    He seemed to stare right through me as he stood in a strange trance,
    Then my head started to hurt - as all my memories slowly came back.

    Son:

    "What's happened to you, Dad? You've took a change for the worst,
    If you keep drinking like this, you'll live the rest of your days in a hearst.
    You've become a monster, and you act as if you are through with me,
    I hate you! You are no longer the great father that you used to be."


    Father:

    "How dare you speak like that to me, remember, I'm your father,
    You're the reason your Mother left.. and being nice? Why bother.
    You're a disgrace to the family, and I could shout to the clouds,
    But the bottom line is; I want you to get the fuck out of my house!"


    Son:

    "That's it, I've had enough of your shit, and it's time that I end it here,
    You said that you were afraid of death? Well, it's time you face your fears.

    The gun is cocked back.. I hate you, and that's all the shit I've got to tell,
    Except for this final statement - Father.. I hope that you rot in hell.."



    Two gunshots echo through the night.
    The father's body falls lifelessly to the floor.
    The son then runs away from home.


    My body went weak, and I found it nearly impossible to stand, cause
    After my memory finally came back, I realised who the hell this man was..
    ..He was my son, and I couldn't see how he was standing there tonight,
    As I always blamed him for everything shit that had happened in my life.
    He killed me with those two bullets, it must be his best choice to make,
    Because now I only get to watch my son........... from beyond the grave
    test
  6. V E R B

    V E R B Guest

    ^ nice drop atheist...
    test
  7. Og Simmson

    Og Simmson New Member

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    15. TEKNEEK:
    You commemorate a year after your best friend died by visiting his grave one afternoon at the mortuary... --- you walk around seeing how beautiful the place is in the afternoon.... and you reflect... -- to your left an old aging man in a derby hat sits... motionless... looking down with a cane supporting his lean... and you look at him.... thinking deeply.... how he feels and what he's been thru.... and then u look down wondering... then back at him...

    expand ur thoughts.


    >>Crushing into the mud my footsteps leave deep imprints..
    Running full speed dead at my feet, tired as my eyes squint..
    Tears drop. my body comes to a complete stop to realize....
    My friend is dead im not why risk what iv got in front of my eyes..
    My life, but I must keep running cuz if I don’t. ill lose either way..
    As I keep moving I run and run till I get to the cemetery there I pray..
    Standing right next to my friend’s grave I pray god help me..
    As I look to the left I see a old man balancing on his cane smiling..
    Then I think, how did my friend die?.he was murdered, stabbed..
    As I look back to the man, he is closer asking me to stand grab..
    My cane…pull ur self up..and I notice it’s pure gold and ice cold..
    Just let me have a few words with you son, its important I gotta let go..
    As he talks to me for hours about crazy shit, we discuss the incapable..
    Then he pulls out a knife and begins stabbing me I cant move im inescapable..
    …………………..

    As I lay next to my friends grave…dieing…my mind starts to flood..
    This man was my father my own fucking flesh and blood..
    He tells me that he was under cover and had me played..
    Then tells me he took my friends life and money he made...
    What money dad? He was a drug dealer son and he had it saved..
    And well I had to off him before he went to jail trust me son..
    So I freed him and those were my men making you run..
    Cuz, we son…we no..all about ur dealing and drug smuggling..
    And im here to help you set ur life free from prison now quit struggling..
    Then he began stabbing me…….



    Now How they got caught/killed…

    Ay mister Wilkins is john home no Kyle he isn’t home..
    Well I talked to him on the phone, when he left if he was alone..?
    Im not sure I think he went to your house ok thank you..
    Then he slowly moved away in to his ford truck solid blue..
    As it drove away I closed the door then I noticed that was reported..
    The night before there was a emergency call about drugs imported..
    From Cuba in a blue ford that had crossed the border illegally..
    As I reopened the door then walked to the car to follow Kyle eagerly..
    Before he add reach john..Hopin he wasn’t in on it with him..
    And well hoping I was jus overacting, and it’s neither of them..
    Then as I pulled up to Kyle's house..John was there waiting..
    When Kyle pulled up they unloaded black suitcases impatiently..
    As if they were ina hurry then I noticed my son had a gun..
    And so did Kyle..as they were loading these bags by the ton..
    After they had stopped a few minutes later more people arrived..
    Then they went inside with the black suitcases they tried to hide..
    So I figured something was up..as me being detective its my duty..
    I figured I juss stake out and see if there’s nething to suspect truly..
    Cuz I don’t want my son to be mistaken for drug use or money makin..
    Then a little while after the people arrived my son left so I went in..
    As I see Kyle sittin there with 3 kilos of coke and at least a grand with him..
    I pulled out my gun and made him take the coke out and load the money..
    After that I sat him down explainin how he shouldn’t a brought Johnny..
    Cuz now my sons into this and its ur fault..but ill do this for you..
    Setting down my gun and pulling out my knife he begins to move..
    So I start stabbing him to death and take the money with me ending the case..
    Hoping no one else caught on to what was goin on in this place and it’s erased..
    One Year later at the cemetery-------------------------------------------------^ ^
    test
  8. Strike

    Strike packin that metal

    Joined:
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    sorrry vote ath jus way more enjoyable and captivatin read...
    test
  9. HellRzah

    HellRzah PurE EviL

    Joined:
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    great battle:

    Atheist: Like Strike said Captivatin imagery..nice story from beginnin to end..deep and full of emotion...very nice job with the flow..didn't fell off a sec.....blazing piece....94/100
    Unavailable: Nice storyline..good imagery...great multi's...but Atheist outshined you in about every aspect (except maybe for the flow, which was amazing......)...good piece overal......84/100

    vote= Atheist


    pz!
    test
  10. Kon$piracy

    Kon$piracy ```````````

    Joined:
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    dope battle
    athiest's storry line was pretty clever
    flow was great, imagery was nice
    basically it was an all around solid verse

    unavailable came nice too
    the story line was slightly confusing at times but it was dope, the flow was straight and the imagery was off the hizzle

    due to slightly better structure and flawless storyline i was feelin Athiest a lil bit more
    nice verses by both
    stay up

    vote-athiest

    1
    test
  11. Tha Talent

    Tha Talent , Tha Master.

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    Unavailible:
    sorry, but you have next to no rhythm at all or something...the flow was just awkward...i'm not sure if hell rzah knows what a multi is, because you lacked them...on the other hand, this is a step up from your other pieces in terms of sheer plot...however your writers voice needs work, you are redundant at times and could use a step up with creative phrasing...average.

    Atheist:
    still not natural with multis...you will get there my man...but, as always, you came up with one hell of a plot...imagery was nice, though i would have liked a few more creative metaphors and similies, and maybe some juxtaposition in there...i guess you can work on that, if you even know what juxtaposition is(apparently most teenagers don't)...your flow was alright, multis, as mentioned, need a little work...but you clearly won this with a good verse...i've seen better from you, of course.

    vote=the anti-anti-christ
    test
  12. Og Simmson

    Og Simmson New Member

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    damn what a let down...damn..

    imout for awhile till i gather my old flow back..and my old style..pz yall it was fun..
    test
  13. Kon$piracy

    Kon$piracy ```````````

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    test
  14. Art Writaz

    Art Writaz The Brokken Knukkle

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    athiest: it was nice.. u had good multis and word choice, i enjoyed that.. some pretty good structure too.. ur story was nice, but i had a hunch it was the father the whole time.. regardless, a nice story with a nice twist..

    unavailable: nice story too.. u had good imagery, described the events very well.. good structure and i could flow to it well.. the story was nice also..

    i felt that athiests story and his overall rhyme scheme was just a bit more than unavailables.. both of yall came mad nice in this, and im sad to see my boy unavailable losin :-/.. stay up brother

    vote = athiest ... my bad, i typed in the wrong name, lol
    test
  15. LDogg The King

    LDogg The King The High Life

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    I really got into the story when reading aths piece. he really can break it down into detail, I remember that about him back in the days when we both were new to the rstl since we came into it around the same time. excellent work man


    unavailable, ya shit was good too man. nothing went wrong, u just got outmatched, your story wasn’t as well put as aths in the long run.

    vote atheist
    good luck to whoever wins
    test
  16. prophetional

    prophetional hokey muh-fuckin' pokey

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    un, your story line seemd a bit shaky. atheist seemed centrum; more complete from a to zinc.
    vote atheist.
    test
  17. Grafic

    Grafic Too Cool For Spelling

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    wooooweeeeeeee......atheists shit was crazy, just insane, imagery was whoa, wordplay, flow, it played out like a movie script


    well done


    vote= atheist


    <<<Camber
    test
  18. V dot Acular

    V dot Acular New Member

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    vote athiest...

    this was one sided, it really came down to what story i thought was better, and i wasn't really feeling un's
    test
  19. Atheist

    Atheist Storyteller

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    test
  20. White-Eyez

    White-Eyez Breed of iLLness

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    nice battle

    vote athiest

    athiest- nice verse man, flow was good, imagery was awsome, i felt the story in alll ascpects

    Baysick- man you my boi, but i felt you didnt come with your full potenential, nice verse though
    test
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