[Week 9] [Champ] 1. Pent uP(7-0) vs 2. Breathless(5-3) vs 3. ShadowWarriorfs(5-3)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Mar 12, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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    AIM NAMES
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    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    test
  3. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2011
    Messages:
    1,600
    remy, sniff, and sens

    I've stopped to listen, sat back while apocalyptic actions
    have blocked my spittin'. Damn it, why am I so thoughtful
    yet awful at passin' written speech off to people
    who wanna listen? it feels like i'm on a mission
    maskin' my real intentions, actin' like i'm healin' pent up
    passions, revealin' that i'm actually messed up
    way more than most think, whether it's the coke, drink
    or chaser, I won't sink when faced with hopefully
    aimless realities that gradually change to
    a passive deranged mentality, absently
    phased out like magic the gathering had a green
    enchantment that did a hundred damage to every last
    bastard that played...if the master had made us all
    then how come the last words after we take the fall
    still get said when we grasp our chest, breathless...
    ain't the walls closin' in fast enough? pressured again....

    cyclical
    vicious
    insightful
    timid.

    livid.

    it is a schism
    pitifully
    tearing me apart
    soul
    from body
    mind
    from collection of them.

    time, once again
    to call it quits
    the other side's
    brighter
    the right words
    not coming
    stumbling to
    a passion's last falling.

    is it bliss
    to wish for forever
    or is it a wish
    to be blissful forever?

    falling away, from my own sadness
    ... I am the plague ...
    given to me by my hands ...
    I am the youth, I am the future
    I am the truth, I am what you were
    ... I am ... I am
    ... I am too much for my own
    mind ... I am ...
    calling to make better life on our planet
    ... I am today ...
    I am the moon, sun, rays of the light an' the
    night time's darkness ... ...
    I am the monsoon waves that collide at a
    high tide's target ... ...
    I am the on route aid for those fighting for
    their life the hardest ... ...
    ... I am ... I am
    ... I am all sons that you have
    forgotten ... I am all daughters
    that you have lost ... ...
    I am the children crying, trembling
    ... remembering of their past
    ... soon enough they'll lose them ...
    these memories can't last ...
    test
  4. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    You're a Raindrop falling to the earth...

    ext...will edit here


    The clouds become intimate showing flashes of light
    The winds sway while carrying the ashes of night
    The rumbles of thunder echos as the air cools
    My scent becomes abundant like vapors in pools
    We gather like sperm waiting to pollinate the earth
    Gathering like locus' with one purpose in birth
    I could feel the womb becoming heavy and weak
    Gravity pulling us as I become too excited to speak
    I could feel the shocks of lightning pulsing through my veins
    Contractions increase until the water breaks and drains
    The free fall was amazing, I felt at peace, careless and free
    Twirling and flipping, screaming with every breath in me

    At 8,000 feet I noticed that i was moving closer to something
    My instinct was telling me that my life was ending
    I tried to calling for help but my siblings were right there
    My excitement turned into despair wondering how i might fair
    The closer I came the more I wanted to be back in the womb
    Floating around with an incredible view, no impending doom
    Regret fills my mind as I realize my life would be over in a flash
    Born into such beauty only to have it end with a splash....


    You're a Raindrop falling to the earth...
    test
  5. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2011
    Messages:
    736
    fml, i clicked a damn ad that pops up when you mouse over a highlighted word and it deleted my damn vote.

    breathless: You strayed away from rhyming words at the end of every line, which isn't as common here, so it was cool to see you do that. Not sure if you should get props or be deducted points for that magic the gathering reference though... Switching up the pace and scheme of a piece usually either helps or hurts you. In the case of this one, I don't think it really did much for you, but I wouldn't say it took away from it.. There were places that I thought were great, but there were also places that felt like filler or didn't do much for you imo. ie:
    "cyclical
    vicious
    insightful
    timid.

    livid."
    I can appreciate you trying to draw attention to those words to give them more power.. But either I'm too hungover to see how those words in particular helped your case or I'm not the only one scratching my head..

    some lines that stuck out:
    I am the moon, sun, rays of the light an' the
    night time's darkness ... ...
    I am the monsoon waves that collide at a
    high tide's target ... ...
    I am the on route aid for those fighting for
    their life the hardest ... ...

    shadow: The way the topic was worded kind of dictated the perspective you had to approach this from. With that in mind, the idea of comparing rain to giving birth wasn't something mind blowing, but it was creative. I like that you took the time to bring the reader into the environment and the changes in the weather that happen before it rains instead of just diving into the rain drop falling. It would've been cool to be given a deeper insight to what the raindrop feels as it realizes it's about to die rather than just "despair" but that's just me.. I tend to like describing shit in painstaking detail

    lines that stuck out:
    nothing really stuck out to me, but they all worked fluidly together to give a vivid image.

    Breathless had great moments and not so great moments, whereas shadow came off as much more consistent.

    Vote: Gonna have to give this one to shadow. His piece seemed more solid throughout to me
    test
  6. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Shadow wins 1 to -1
    test
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