[Week 8] [Champ] 1. Pent uP(6-0) vs 2. Breathless(4-3)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Mar 5, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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  2. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    Dradels and jerricurls
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  3. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    needs Moor Rabbi!
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  4. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    reflux shuns

    once the limits have been reached an' we've given meaning to each
    an' ev'rysingle living thing that'll ever breathe or think
    we'll be at the brink of the cycle but it's not clear
    see, it'll bring us an eyeful of hot tears
    really, what we've got here, is the ability to stop fear
    dead in it's tracks, headin' back to the spot we were
    at, already, lettin' it pass over the top, nearest
    to nowhere else to go but down the path to god's spirit
    unraveling thoughts pure as the bliss where ignorance allows miracles
    to appear as magical occurrences, it's odd, weird
    how our conscious adherence to the plot thickens and wants steered
    we're dependent on this powerful concoction... ha, cheers!
    whether the monkey on yer back is pot, beer,
    heroin or coke...shit, even religious books,
    marriage, yer phone, whatever it is yer hooked on
    take a long look in the mirror and stare until it's broke

    put the bags down and pick them books back up
    It's all yours... take what the world has to offer
    this is the last round where good still can come
    don't falter or stall, or hurt yourself no longer
    it's not worth the trouble, God's earned it's pay
    I was taught to search with wonder, I did not learn to pray
    If it's all torn asunder, I still got what I saved
    I'll watch the planet go under, while I walk on the waves

    I've done all I wanted to and some things I didn't
    but this is the honest truth, there's nothing I've regretted
    not the pot or booze, or droppin' outta school, not for a minute
    this is what got me to the present so i'll just let it be
    ...'cause if everything's eventual but the seconds seem
    to only last forever when the moment is fleeting
    then what else can I think? Just one option left
    live life to the fullest, and fuck the consequence
    I trust the common sense I have as much as all the rest of what
    I've learned along the way to guide me through this stupid game of life
    it's a useless frame of mind to dwell in, helpless to the rate of time
    we're held inside it's reins, just waiting for the day to die
    it's what's seen in the dreams of a child born blind or
    the ring around the seam of a smile forced wide
    it's the means of the medium I've formed while our
    scenes showin' screens full of lies forge minds

    my vision is blurred, turnin' limits into terms driftin'
    windless from earth, search the meadows of sin
    don't let no one in to the window you gaze through
    raze roofs and room floors 'til your walls become viewed no more
    you've already shown me what you fear, that you can't
    opened up unknowingly, now, here's what I have
    the flow of broken speech, just as clear as I am
    myriad paths full of miracles pass

    let residual moments close with the syllables spoken
    don't let it get ta you when it's really just truth awoken
    by another... hide 'em all behind a brick wall
    forget about 'em, quit fallin', lift all the barriers
    and carry your fate in weightless hands, make a plan
    to only take a stand as you need to, breathe through
    the stressful situations as they press you to streets, move
    slowly down the road kickin' stones for entertainment
    listen to the tones made by something as simple as
    the scrape of yer shoes on a patch of loose gravel
    detach the noose, ravel the rope back up on the spool
    you hold in your pocket and stop battling fools

    ...just dismantle these rules you abide by
    ...you can handle it, truly, have you tried my
    methods yet? I'll hand you this and let you decide
    I'm at my limits' edge and can't get to your side
    test
  5. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    The Other Side Of The Door

    A language barrier blocks the breath in their throats.
    Each tear drop nears thoughts of how their heads'll explode.
    Whimpers and whines tremble in the gentlest of tones.
    Stress stretches segments of skin, tendons and bones.
    The sniffles swiftly sickening them through the nose,
    picking up the respective others' scent from their clothes.
    Each on a side of the door, with their back to it -
    Wishing they would do something other than sit and act stupid.

    Filled with daft movement mimicking the flailing faith that remains.
    He'll paint the town red while his life's fading to gray.
    A clenched fist rests with a dangerous aim...
    but the strenuous pain even has his anger restrained.
    He's weak and feels the need to flee invading his brain
    being counteracted by how close THAT lady has stayed.
    All his senses and expressions are there, reporting for war -
    but his nervous system is to nervous to open the door...

    A solace is born from the turn of events.
    The fire of passion turned to a weeping that burns at her chest.
    Mistakes mimic necklines that emerge through the stress
    She realizes shes gotten far because her words were a stretch.
    Everything stops and breaks down when the hurt is immense;
    She says she'll work it out but worries instead.
    All her pain and wailing waiting for him to open the door
    in the fetal position of that cold corridor...

    A sat-down stand-off, in a game of loveless roulette.
    From a relationship that both had struggled to get
    and held content with contempt for the others due health
    while both remained too quietly upset to help.
    One searching for sympathy, the other for empathy;
    but that trade off for them costs their amenities.
    Now they're divided by a door - but propped up by feelings.
    Staring in opposite directions, for opposite reasons...

    Think Happy Thoughts
    test
  6. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Breath - So i liked the idea associated with this verse. It was pretty entertaining from that aspect. The problem i saw here was the wording was sloppy, the rhymes were not really rhymes in a lot of areas and the first two section read at a weird pace for me. It made things difficult to read. Words like "ev'rysingle" just felt out of place for me. I also didn't understand why you were writing like this. I thought that if you had re-read this aloud, you could have caught a lot of these issues and fixed them. The story itself was good but it lacked the smoothness. Good work tho but i've seen you do better


    Pent - This was an enjoyable little piece. I enjoying the imagery and metaphors here. It really tied your story together nicely. Like i've said before, i'm not a huge fan of using words like "heads'll" but wasn't a big occurrence in your story so i didn't mind it. It wasn't your best work mainly because you usually put more into your stories but it was still nicely done.


    V/ Pent for having a better written story. This could have been closer had Breath ironed out the kinks
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  7. SplitInfinity00

    SplitInfinity00 New Member

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    The caliber of writing delivered is in a different class. Pent is more polished obviously. Wording is smooth and clear, just a more appealing read. Mistakes mimic necklines that emerge through the stress - lines like that have a good flow and are creative in their delivery.

    Breath had some very good lines in places, but was meandering and contained a lot of fat that could have been trimmed that was redundant. Also the language... like 'don't falter or stall, or hurt yourself no longer' I know your being informal free stream of thinking, but that's a turn off to me... hurt yourself no longer. It bugs me when people say "we got" when you can say "we have".

    I like what breath was saying, some powerful ideas in there that he didn't do justice to with the shabby presentation.

    Pent neat tight piece poetic more style then substance though. Not to much meet, just artfully described.


    Vote - breath for his conviction and honesty and strength of ideas, but just barely.
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  8. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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  9. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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