[Week 8] 10. Konflikt(1-0) vs 11. billy nomates(1-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Oct 11, 2010.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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  2. wtf

    wtf hot sicka than yo average

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  3. billy nomates.

    billy nomates. rain cancels play.

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    You get sucked into the world of your favorite novel...what happens

    We left late in the day with the sun in our eyes
    With no word to walk on but slanderous lie
    We mask our surprise with a grin on our teeth
    Without a word to the wise, is this sin or belief?
    While we sit in our seats, the earth turns still
    Aware we might crash at the crest of the first hill
    But we don’t speak about it, tongue tied shut
    Shouting God doesn’t care with sons like us
    The sun rise sucks with blood on your shirt
    As the grounds stained with our governments work
    Soaked in, tougher than dirt, the days whine
    Us ignoring orders can only save time
    With such brave minds as ours, help me
    Go home and I’ll help you home, tell me
    What we’re doing here, I’ll listen and laugh
    And paint a picture patchwork vivid and stark
    A vision of grass trapped under our nails
    From our plane going down in thunder and hail
    This hunger is frail and makes the eggs taste off
    Numbers in a system, we’re no great loss.

    As the plane touches down, the sun sets
    On an island only containing slum deaths
    And gun nests that don’t protect our freedom
    Cheap beer only now intersecting feelings
    Left stressed and reeling as the bombs fall
    Pointlessly laying it out as the Somme’s fault
    But some felt this was a necessity to peace
    Locked in the lines of a presidents release
    Another cemetery speech, we refuel and talk
    Listen to rousing words, don’t lose the spark
    Spit fire in the foolish dark, cruel as art
    My idealism falls as just a student’s stance
    It was a stupid ask, let me see the Major
    With my head down, I’ll ask a sheepish favour
    Offered with the meekest prayer, set me free
    Because no God has ever messaged me
    This vessels a bleeding and damaged craft
    I’ll get out of here with a stammered laugh
    And a panicked path, I’ll run ‘til my lungs ache
    I’ll whistle the melody until the song breaks.

    Back in the sky I watch the earth ache, twitch
    Fire rises from the leaves pulsate, switch
    Directions as I huddle down back at the controls
    Eyes fixed assuredly but the passion isn’t whole
    I’m fashioning a soul from Egyptian cotton
    Wrap myself tight to stop this sickness rotting
    Asphixed, clocking that the engines were failing
    I trusted Orr, he attended the training
    I was pensive and trailing off, watching the blade
    Only the seas sweet arms would cushion the brave
    Pushing the sane limits, the clouds hung limp
    The feeling of falling not having yet sunk in
    Punching myself to keep from losing my mind
    Straight on the gunner’s sight, a view for the blind
    True to my kind I started clutching my cross
    Hoping for the epitaph, ‘another lover is lost’
    The blubbering stops, as the water levels rise
    Hells fishermen thinking they’ve caught the devils prize
    In short I can surmise that he did know the drill
    Now I’m floating in the ocean wondering which man to kill.

    Now we’re paddling for Sweden, escape or die
    The ink on my death certificate almost dried
    Only me and Orr left, the best of the crew
    And that’s how we escaped from a Catch-22
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  4. wtf

    wtf hot sicka than yo average

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    You get sucked into the world of your favorite novel...what happens

    Woke up this morning to a long tone, about 30 seconds, loud and screeching…
    It was obviously meant to jump start the very sleepiest of human beings..
    My morning started routinely was greeted by a female yelling at me on my tv screen
    the government mandated morning stretches and exercises to keep my well being
    told me to str8en up and do it right, calling me a fat slob if I slacked off,
    and she could see me, knew when I was lazy, the bitch never backed off
    good thing she’s not the type to read minds, because I could die for that last thought
    I was imagining ravaging just before I slit her throat…just so she would back off
    The exercises finished, and the tv stayed on playin military music
    I wanted to change the channel, or turn it off, it just simply aint amusin’
    But I could only turn it down, and I felt some eyes watchin me
    alone, but really not, moved around the apt and still felt it stalkin me
    Then I looked over my shoulder at the calendar…it said it was 1984
    Still wasn’t sure, unbeknownst the fucked up day I had in store
    I glanced out the window, saw a white pyramidal- tower in the distance
    Soon I realized this was Police State Rising, with very little resistance
    I decided to leave my apartment and walk around at street level
    I could sense a growing need about to boil over like a tea kettle
    But the people were corralled like sheep n cattle, and told not what to think
    Around every corner was a poster telling you just how to speak
    BIG BROTHER IS WATCHIN was the most prevalent of the flyers
    Eyes’ll follow you around and know if you even thinking to conspire
    Thought Police were the worst, they could sense every single revolutionary mind
    I couldn’t lose the watchful eyes…wanted escape…felt like a caged canary…cried
    That didn’t last long as I decided to gather up my weak moment
    I wanted to be the last person to be caught by surveillance motions
    There were also screens in public, always transmitting and receiving
    So I had to watch my self, every action you better believe that they were seeing
    I saw couples walking together down the street, but they were not holding hands
    Love is diffused, government wanted no loyalties between woman and man
    Anyone could snitch on anyone, I certainly believe that was their plan
    I figured i would stop by a store and grab a newspaper, and see what it’s about
    Front page story told of a “child hero” who turned in his parents for speakin out
    And so he was heralded as a hero? for making his parents up n disappear
    The society is controlled, the government wants your loyalty and this is clear
    And as I was pondering how the made me felt, I got a tap on the shoulder
    Well it more like a nudge followed by a grasp from someone older
    I had just been made, for thinking about rebellion and how I’d refuse to conform
    Soon I will be executed for thought crime and my existence will be scorned
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  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Nom - This was a very well written verse. The imagery in this verse was stellar. It painted a good picture which what you want from this kind of topic. The rhymes were good and consist. It didn't seem like you forced it and it read very smooth. I wasn't too excited about the story but how you delivered it was a joy in itself. Nice work.

    Fave line -
    "Asphixed, clocking that the engines were failing
    I trusted Orr, he attended the training
    I was pensive and trailing off, watching the blade
    Only the seas sweet arms would cushion the brave"

    Kon - This was a good read. I thought that the topic was good but i had a little trouble with the delivery. I thought that the longer lines kind of through off the flow a bit since there were no internal rhyming. I also wasn't a fan of the slang like 'str8en'. Other than that, this was enjoyable...nicely done.


    Fave line -
    "Love is diffused, government wanted no loyalties between woman and man
    Anyone could snitch on anyone, I certainly believe that was their plan
    I figured i would stop by a store and grab a newspaper, and see what it’s about
    Front page story told of a “child hero” who turned in his parents for speakin out"

    Overall a good read but i think that Nom took this with a more polished verse and better delivery


    V/ Nom
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  6. Sir Bustalot

    Sir Bustalot I am Jesus

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    my Vote --Kon

    great verse, very descriptive, drew me right in.. i havent read either books but yours seemed to stay on topic... i could be wrong though lol. Your book was 1984?

    No mates i also liked your verse, but even though i havent read your book, i got the feeling there was alot of filler lines in your verse, or you kinda just lost track for a second. Again i could be wrong. Your book was catch 22?
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  7. DannyC

    DannyC Stay golden, pony boy.

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    nom has a very particular writing style. i didnt see much of a change from last week, yet was still original and theres no need to improve on it in the first place. hes a good writer, and his concepts and the tangents are very impressive to me. imaginative. which is what i look for. both of you picked great books btw. the thing about kon's verse that threw me off is theres no flow to it. its very drawn out lines. it would work in the spoken word genre, but i like more of a complex rhymescheme than what hes giving me here. also very imaginative and i did like the way ur story adapted the book. but nom's was just well written.

    vote - nom
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  8. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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    Kon-your writing style is raw, real and in your face. very agressive, a tad but unpolished in some areas, bar structure(length) rhyme structure(lack of multis and word play) story wise, it was intellectual. your a good writer keep elevating

    :clapping:

    Nom- wow u got a very polished writing style i totally didnt know what book you were writing about so content wise i was automatically enchanted.
    rhyme structure was above average, lengthy verse, try compacting your story for the sake of the league only.. in real life lengthen your verses lol..

    vote - Nom
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  9. Scrolls-Oracle of Omen

    Scrolls-Oracle of Omen *DBS*--*A.B.C*

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    Billy...thought this was pretty sick. Story was good, rhyme scheme and flow were good. U are very descriptive. Never was bored reading this. U are a talented writer man. Dopeness.

    Kon...dooope story. Only issue I had was some of the. lines were long. Lol. But it didn't take away the story plot. Ur descriptive as well. Not real familiar with Ur style yet, but lookin forward to seeing more from u. Keep it up man...

    Vote...billy
    Posted via Mobile Device
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  10. billy nomates.

    billy nomates. rain cancels play.

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  11. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    nom - this was a clever verse and I liked the way that you executed it, though I can see where some people would be confused by it if they're not familiar with the reading. Flow and mechanics wise I've seen you write a tighter verse, but it was a solid showing by all accounts.

    kon - just because you're allowed 64 lines doesn't mean you need to try and fit every last word into it. This is a case where less would certainly have been more, especially because there's no way to keep a consistent flow in a verse like this. I felt as though this was a chore to read, while somewhat creative.

    vote = nom.
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  12. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

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    Nom - this verse was pretty dope. I haven't read the book, so the story didnt ring a bell. However once again you've shown a great verse in all aspects. So polished and refined it's just refreshing to read. Pure entertainment man. Well done

    Kon - like the others said, the lines took away from the story cause they were so long. Almost as if I had to catch my breath each line half way through... So that alone hurt the tale somewhat. Your verse was really descriptive, and your Vocab was also good, but honestly, similar to what GL? said, it almost makes it a chore to read, not to sound mean, it's just so difficult to spit with any rhythm, so it hindered my perception of how good this verse could have been if it was delivered a little smoother. Keep elevating though, you got potential.


    V/ Nom
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  13. Murderous Keys

    Murderous Keys All's well that ends

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    Nom - Very clever on how you used this story with catch 22,
    I didn't realize until half-way through the verse so I had to re-read it.
    Your style is well-rounded, you have a great structure with wording
    your verse and maintinaing a flow, although the verse seemed long
    and I think you could of easily shortened it and kept the same
    balance of the story. But overall your verse was done very well. I enjoy your style.

    Are your British?

    Kon - Your story was good and what you did it was good as well,
    but even if you have a great story you still need the other
    elements in a verse to make it a complete good verse
    Meaning I thought your flow was off due to the
    length of your bars and you didn't have use of multi's
    and iner-line rhyming and with long lines you need to
    add that to keep the flow from dragging.
    Also I thought at times your vocab and wording
    were elementry, but even with those elements
    lacking I still found your verse enjoyable.

    Overall Nom just had a better rounded verse, he did better in pretty much
    every category and element of a topical verse.

    Vote - Nom

    Thanks Guys.
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  14. ShogunCrosse

    ShogunCrosse The Fuckin' Good Guy...

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    Nom- Wow nom..Very nice story "poetically" told. You have a flawless flow with your style..straightforward, line for line, bar for bar, you told a great tale with poetry, details descriptions, and with even the proper amount of vocab to boot...Im diggin ur style bro...Hurry ur ass up here, I wanna be matched up with you soon...It motivated me to battle the driving forces and great writers of the RSTL...And you've quickly made my list of great writers

    Kon- This was well told, but at first your structure threw me off...In alor of places i didnt even know if i saw rhymes in some areas...but then i read it again and noticed the many multis i missed...You should seperate the parts where you need the reader to notice certain things in a verse...u want em to notice multis in long lines then put ... in between em. If you want em to notice certain words or such just bold them and/or put em in italics. Stuff like that basically

    Vote- Nom...Much smoother read..very entertaining
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  15. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    nom wins 8-1
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