[Week 7] 9. DaAlmightyDolla(0-0) vs 10. Patrown(0-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Feb 28, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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  2. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    test
  3. DaAlmightyDolla

    DaAlmightyDolla Greatness

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    almost forgot about this.. checking in
    test
  4. DaAlmightyDolla

    DaAlmightyDolla Greatness

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    [​IMG]

    Kids these days

    I'm not boasting when I keep my head high
    because unfortunately everything below it has died,
    when I saw through the eyes of the fly that spied...
    that your mother wasn’t the only female who lied.
    Daddy’s little girl was no longer the apple of his eye..
    more like the thorn on her loving fathers side.
    But why?. Why widen a divide that was firmly closed
    Did you not receive food, shelter and the newest clothes?
    Yet you chose to dispose of my tender loving care
    because for some reason you deduced that life wasn't fair.
    you lash out as if dared, full of unwarranted hate and despair
    so how did a nightmare take the place of a dream?
    I understand that teens will be teens
    but a princess is yet not a queen

    I work from home and it isn't enough
    I leave you alone and it isn't enough
    the audacity to curse my name when your life isn’t rough
    Your mom left me too, not only you.
    So how can the closer I get the more you get out of view?
    Face without a mark, Body without a bruise..
    All thanks to the father who always protected you.
    Yet here we are, only 1 of us truly hurting inside..
    Is it the daughter without a mother or man without a bride?
    The father with integrity or the child full of lies?
    What gave rise to this tidal wave of disrespect?
    Is our relationship simply battered or taken its last breath?
    can it live once again or is there no life after death?

    Must I apologize for whatever unknown faults I may have...
    Just so you can be happy and once again call me DAD?
    Will that make you jump for joy, dance and be glad?
    Will you turn that frown upside down and no longer be mad?
    O.K, here goes those 2 words you’ve been dying to hear...

    FUCK YOU

    Be a brat, spoiled to the core and all that jazz.
    I'm tired of your shit and that stick up your ass.
    Say bye to brass rings and silver spoons...
    I think I can hear the fat lady sing, she’s moving into your room.
    I've called your whore mother, she'll be here soon
    Who would have known the belly of the beast was your mothers womb

    Go wait outside. The game is on

    SMH kids these days
    test
  5. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    let's make it a full extension

    edit: this was This begins the mission to find the man in black...
    test
  6. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
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    I can't shake it, i'm being followed around,
    see them all over town, long and low to the ground .
    Creeping faster than laws of motion allowed,
    pause a second after a car swerves over one now.
    Her eyes open to the sound of seat belts clicking,
    she felt slight flickering as if a snake's tickling.
    The instant of impact, as her soul split by ripping,
    distanced in the past her eclipse no more.
    Two silhouette's remain, drifting away from the gore.
    A component of identities alone the day before unseen,
    it's opponent still the same entity, within separate dreams.
    Mending desperate themes into the cloth of two plans,
    meant for a specter soon to understand

    lost as he stands feeling unaffected by the split
    demanding bystanders tell perception of a shift
    Commanding no answers, the black sheep's undetected.
    He'd practically lived as a shadow, once a man respected.
    Now the perfected form of shade he'll shine tonight.
    He'll be accepted by her once the time is right.

    Infection flickers in a vision humanities now grappling,
    dispatching the live feed, its roots quickly adapting.
    Specter's latch to the Earth's seething legions.
    Respect lacked in bleeding region's breeding demons.
    For souls needing reasons to live, deaths an option.
    One still bleeding received a call as breath softened.
    He begged her to believe he'll be true and pure,
    Instead heard the last gasp enough to word,
    "I'll see you in hell," so he jumped with her.
    test
  7. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    quick vote

    DAD - lol this was pretty good. The pace was nice and it felt real. I thought some of the wording was a bit awkward in places but it didn't hurt your story much. As a father, it intrigued me what you did with this story. nicely done


    Pat - This one had potential to be really good. The only problem with this was you didn't really develop the story enough. The rhymes and the flow were all good though. The vocab was an improvement as well. Gotta develop a character and the story tho. At least enough to peak the readers interest.


    V/ DAD for a better developed story.
    test
  8. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2011
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    man, this was real tough, but in the end i saw pat as the winner, the first time or two reading it, i wasn't getting the story part, but then i noticed the car crash? thing, if i'm on you're intentions, i very very much enjoyed it, dude killed his girl accidentally and then himself to join her? with the shadow/dark mood allusion overtones, awesome man, and the lyricism was on point, a couple minorly minor odd bits, but definitely one of the best things i've read from you,
    these stood out for me, there's so much meaning, and you only used 8 "to, the, in, for" 'filler' type words, and actually made it sound right

    Specter's latch to the Earth's seething legions.
    Respect lacked in bleeding region's breeding demons.
    For souls needing reasons to live, deaths an option.
    One still bleeding received a call as breath softened.



    Dolla, the story part of this was real nice, very direct, but sometimes i want i little puzzle to solve, regardless though, i wasn't seeing the sorta negative tone from the picture when i first saw it, but i like what direction you took it in, my only real problem with the piece is the "simple" (not a bad thing per se) type of rhyming...

    Daddy’s little girl was no longer the apple of his eye..
    more like the thorn on her loving fathers side.
    But why?. Why widen a divide that was firmly closed
    Did you not receive food, shelter and the newest clothes?


    it's just such obvious rhymes, sorta like songs where on the first time you hear 'em you know the last half of everyline before it's said...but don't get me wrong, the natural phonetic emphasis on stressed and unstressed syllables (flow) was virtually perfect, there was no having to reread and figure out how it was supposed to sound, but yea, this was a real good, solid piece, but it just didn't have enough of a wow factor for me


    Vote = Patty
    test
  9. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    DaAlmightyDolla

    Hmm yea pretty good job here, the flow was on point & it made
    for a nice easy read. however in terms of the story, Im not
    saying I didnt enjoy it but it just seemed like a typical
    Daughter growing up and growing out of the relationship with
    her father, for some reason I was expecting something more
    than what I got, weather that was just me I dont know, the
    first 2 stanzas set the pace nicely & had nice meaning, but
    then all of a sudden it was just like six lines of rant and
    the end, kinda gave the impression it was rushed, weather
    this was the case I dont know but thats the impression I got.



    Your mom left me too, not only you.
    So how can the closer I get the more you get out of view


    Nice

    Patrown

    Hmm another decent drop here, flow was equally as nice . In terms
    of the verse itself, I found the imagery to be very engaging, kind
    of had a dark feel of suspense to it & instantly I was wondering
    where it was going, I wouldnt say I was disapointed as to where
    your verse took me, more that I thought you could of delved more
    into the story itself, but on the whole it I did enjoy it. If im
    been honest tho, im not sure what you ment by 'snakes tickling'
    tho.

    For souls needing reasons to live, deaths an option.
    One still bleeding received a call as breath softened.


    Nice

    Overall

    Well 2 very different verses, but to me Patrowns verse engaged me
    more, mainly due to the imagery used & the tone that was set. If
    I had to guess tho, id say both of you prob didnt drop as good as
    you can.

    Vote - Patrown
    test
  10. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    76,201
    Patrown wins
    test
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