[Week 6] [Champ] 1. MurderousKeys(5-0) vs 2. Scrolls(5-0) vs 3. ShogunCrosse(3-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Sep 27, 2010.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSES

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
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    test
  2. Scrolls-Oracle of Omen

    Scrolls-Oracle of Omen *DBS*--*A.B.C*

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2001
    Messages:
    13,721
    Lol. Wow mk. Here we go again.. again...now again. Lol.

    Good luck Sho...faggot
    Posted via Mobile Device
    test
  3. ShogunCrosse

    ShogunCrosse The Fuckin' Good Guy...

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2010
    Messages:
    765
    Shocro checkin in...G'luck fellas
    test
  4. Riot

    Riot The Dark Hero.

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2001
    Messages:
    12,505
    Checking In Fellows. - Vote Links Will Go Here. - This Time i Promise. There Will be a Champoin This Week. Rather It's Me Sho, Or Scrolly. May The Best Verse Win. I Will Be Droppin' My Verse either Tonight Or Tomorrow Afternoon.
    test
  5. Riot

    Riot The Dark Hero.

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2001
    Messages:
    12,505
    Bullshit, I had a great story inspired by halloween, but I realized when I was almost finished it was lover 115 lines, lmao..so fuck it..This week has been super busy, in a couple weeks I should be back 100% I won't be traveling for 3 more weeks. Anyway, Good luck to all, something simple.


    Now Look What You Fucking Did
    With Just One Fucking Phone Call
    There's Blood Running Down My Arm
    From an almost 2-inch gash, that's All
    It's not like you fucking care
    So please don't pretend you do
    I know you're full of lies
    I know it's not the fucking truth
    Oopsies, my laptop's got blood on it
    Now who's fault would that be?
    I hate you and always will
    You're not a fucking part of me
    My arm's almost entirely covered
    It's bleeding black again
    I guess that just goes to show
    I've been dead since way back then
    My flesh is only fucking rotting
    It's falling off my bones
    I suppose cutting is helping
    But it is more than anyone knows
    Don't fucking talk to me
    You're a God-damn stranger now
    You always have been one
    And you still don't realize it now
    Please, don't give a fucking damn
    Since I know you never will
    I hurt everything around me
    And I've got nothing left to kill
    You took away my childhood
    You'll never fucking give it back
    But if you reconsider
    I'll tell you where your daughter is at
    I slice my own body open
    And the blood will fucking stain
    I can't take this anymore
    So I hope to bleed out the pain
    It never fucking works
    Like God-damn roses we die
    Not enough is now too much
    Nothing survives on lies
    I can see a brightness, finally
    The neon light is shining through
    Is it safety or another dungeon?
    Will I be sent right back to you?
    I'm going to get fucking burnt
    From living in the crossfire
    More scars to add to my collection
    You're just another fucking liar
    What happened to this fucking house?
    I can't remember anything
    Have I been dead all this time?
    I can't remember a fucking thing
    This pain just will not stop
    I don't feel a-fucking-live
    The sadness will never end
    And I feel like I've fucking died
    I'm warning you right now
    I'm going to kill you tonight
    So sleep with a fucking eye open
    And watch out for my fucking knife
    Tied tight around my neck
    I've got a God-damn noose
    I won't come back to you
    I've got nothing left to lose
    I won't fucking give up on this
    You won't win this that easy
    A bastard like you doesn't deserve it
    When you're so God-damn fucking sleazy
    I'll sing myself to fucking sleep
    Humming along to the beautiful sound
    Of your blood fucking dripping
    Around me and pooling on the ground
    I wish sorrow could build a staircase
    After everything you've put me through
    So my tears could lead the way
    And lift me the fuck away from you
    I'll climb my fucking way to heaven
    Kick you down on the way
    And I'll hope to God you fall
    Just go back to where you came
    You don't know what it's like
    Living my fucking life
    Stay the fuck out of my way
    And my motherfucking knife
    I'll fucking kill myself
    I'll fucking end my pain
    And you don't give a fuck
    So I'd do it all again THE SAME.​
    test
  6. ShogunCrosse

    ShogunCrosse The Fuckin' Good Guy...

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2010
    Messages:
    765
    Topic: What if terrorists invaded America, and we had war for the first time in history on our own soil!?

    [youtube]USW5adqt5Oo[/youtube]


    Once the hordes of soldiers aboard a fleet of ships at port were seen…
    …a siege began forcefully…storming our shores and beaches like at ‘Normandy’…
    I won’t forget the horrid screams…“We’ll shortly see more at sea!”,…
    …Corporal Lee warned, then swore, “Shit!...there’ll be enormous losses!”
    Sergeant Bowie responded, “We must retreat before we’re spotted!”
    “Before bein’ taken as a prisoner of war or hostage!”
    “We’ll be tortured for our knowledge!”
    “And the only sort of solace comes from death the torment causes!”

    They were like aggressive swarms of wasps, overpowerin’ our masses
    There were thousands of ‘em blastin’!
    The rowdy crowds of rag-heads gradually ‘outted’ our combatants!

    “Get to cover!”
    , Sarge yelled, “Keep your heads low, and follow my direction!”
    We sprinted up the beach towards the condos to find protection
    One second I was bolting, while firin’ my weapon…
    …the next, I toppled over bodies I identified as brethren!
    “If we stay near the back end of these buildings we can take ‘em slowly!”
    Sergeant Bowie winked, and smiled like a crazy roadie…
    …with faded gold teeth, grayish hair, and braided goatee
    Wearin’ Oakley shades, and a silver chain sayin’ ‘O.G.’
    “How ‘bout the suicide bombers?” Corporal Lee objected plainly
    Sarge piped-in bravely, “Of course, we can’t fight ‘em all behind safety”
    “But we’re special ops; …You’re not some kind of trainee!”
    “We’re ‘brainy’…Creatin’ great things from simple objects like the A-team”
    “We’ve been operating since the eighties!...Bombs are just our play-things!”
    “We’ve been deployed on every continent from here to Bejing!"
    “So stop bein’ babies!”

    We were the most elite outfit in the U.S.’s de-fense
    But a new ‘finesse’ was needed, with improved methods of strategics
    We’ve been besieged by groups of terrorist extremist we allegedly defeated!
    For no EFFIN’ reason…they detest the western region!

    We attempted to radio for help, “This is team Alpha in distress!”
    A static voice said, “All detached support teams, and back-ups have 'been-stretched'!”
    “The decision on who they’ll assist next…is left to the high command of bureaucratic shit-heads!”
    So we counted our weapons cache, and did a clip check
    Sarge suppressed his Berretta, grabbed a Syntax, and then said,…
    “It’s best to go out, guns blazin’, like the Mid-west!”
    ”Just follow me, in-step”
    “We’re all exhausted, but in death, we can all go to Heaven to get rest!”

    We lasted through the hours of the daylight, ‘till nights arrival
    Slowly wipin’ off our rivals…Our violent sides were vital for survival
    If fooled just one time, we died, no type of revival…
    No pauses, or resets; No lives could be recycled…

    All the foreign hostiles must have planned this for the longest
    All the Afghans, Iraqis, Somalians, Moroccans...shit…every known Muslim, Islamic Jihadist
    All the radicals on the top ten most wanted list of bombins’
    Walkin’ with Qur’ans in their pockets…Showin’ homage to Muhammad and Osama Bin Laden

    Only one problem …we overlooked the fact of how strongly they're prepared to win
    We were aware, but impaired by arrogance
    The Arabics, would share a ‘prayer and then’…blow themselves up to prevail against Americans
    The Sarge thought it was ‘crockery’…He brushed it off with mockery
    But once he saw several bombs goin’ off, the Sarge knew he saw defeat
    Against millions of martyrs, our armory was obsolete
    Suddenly, I had fallen...shot, bleeding from my carotid artery…

    (I layed there, and observed the night sky and I slowly slept away)

    Imma veteran, but I still cried; before cracking up with wild laughter
    I’m not sure why, but my psyche was shattered!…I felt like I was hammered!
    I watched all the bombs blowin’ up and saw the ‘Final Rapture’…
    The sky ignited with a vibrant glamour …that reflected off the night like ‘Fourth of July’ fire-crackers
    test
  7. Scrolls-Oracle of Omen

    Scrolls-Oracle of Omen *DBS*--*A.B.C*

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2001
    Messages:
    13,721
    [youtube]FtAjC_hAPVc[/youtube]


    "All available personnel, assist at the police station...somethings...wrong with them" *bang....bang bang*

    *my walkie talkie filled with life...hearing screaming and gunshots threw the device I jump outta bed...threw on my swat gear, loading my assault rifle and 9mm, I ran to the door*

    As soon as I closed the door, my eyes focused more...
    I seen a guy with open sores start to motion towards my broken words...
    "Wtf?" What the fuck is happenin? I lifted my rifle fast as wind...
    "Get the fuck down..don't make me ask again.."
    I could hardly believe it, the man approaching looked remarkably beatin and partially Eatin...
    The trigger, I started to squeeze it...the bullets knocking him forcefully back...
    Blood trickled out purple and black, he gurgled and gasped...
    With one more bullet perfectly tracked he fell to the dirt and collapsed...
    About six of them, surrounded my car now...
    Then the cities alarm howled like a wolf to the moon and the dark clouds...
    I picked up my radio...

    "Sergeant, what's going on....?"

    I got no reply, I ran past moaning guys that were roaming by...
    The station was just a moments drive, on foot id have to take ocean side but just then my hopes had died...
    On the way to the street, I barely made it...the street looked like it was air-raided and was police barracaded...

    *the radio flickers to life*

    "We...we..have..been over....run...there's...to many"

    "Shit...."

    I seen a zombie, about a block away....I cocked and aimed and shot his brain from across the way...
    Just then, I stumbled upon a path of an army crash...
    Half sticking out of a laundry mat that's hardly intact..
    The streets full of bodies, smoke and fire...electric lines with broken fibers are exposing open wires...
    These peoples hopes and desires were killed like the ocean to fire or exploding geysers blown with remote and timers...
    I lifted my rifle, and proceded down the street...the darkness still surrounding me...
    This infection Musta hit when I was counting sheep and sound asleep...
    I creeped up to the stations front door...when opened, the smell made my lungs sore...
    "Is there anyone here? Come forward"...there's plenty of blood stored on these rugged floors...
    Then my heart stopped a beat, about a dozen right across from me...
    I turned, and about 30 more outside blocked the street...
    Growling threw blotchy cheeks and lots of teeth..."fuck" I ran downstairs to get to the parking lot beneath....
    I sprinted down the corridor and slammed into the steel door...
    And got real sore when it didn't reveal more and did what it was built for...
    It didn't budge, I'm now aware..I'm surrounded, scared...and fired at the first infected that stumbled down the stairs...
    I slide down the door, I'm not gonna die a death from these strangers...
    I put the gun to my head...*click* but there was no bullets left in the chamber...

    "Fuck...."


    *edited for video
    Posted via Mobile Device
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  8. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,097
    lil riot- lol at u using, 24 fucking ;1 mother fucking and, 1fuck...verse was def shock entertaining, very descriptive to say the least, rhymed above average. concept was amusing, easy read, felt rushed, good job this week.

    Sho-god damn! eating bars, u seemed most inspired throughout ur verse, great bar structure excellent vocab, very entertaining. music back dropped it very symmetrically,
    i felt it was minor forced, but thats really the only neg critique i could give.

    scrolls-i think were going to have change the term multis, into a scrollti because u kill it with the syllable's. story line was def at par, bar structure and presentation could be crafted moreso, scrolls is definitely a nemesis in the league.

    hard vote def close
    vote-
    sho1
    scro2
    mk3
    test
  9. Muti

    Muti I just write

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2002
    Messages:
    756
    Lil riot

    interesting...a lot of F-ing i see...I dunno this story seemed a bit off the deep end lol i just really was lookign for something to grasp me but nothing did. the struture was fine and the flow seemed right but nothing from this story could bring me along to say..thi sis real good.. I would like to read your story on halloween if it doesnt have f-ing all the way through it lol... vocab wasnt to deep in this one though

    Shogun

    a beast of a verse...great descriptions..imgaery..flow...all of it.. brought me right into a story of war..even though i feel we have had war on our soil just between each other in the past..like the civil war...but this verse was very good..and the music you had in the background matched well..what i liked

    you had more but this was funny

    Sergeant Bowie winked, and smiled like a crazy roadie…
    …with faded gold teeth, grayish hair, and braided goatee
    Wearin’ Oakley shades, and a silver chain sayin’ ‘O.G.

    Props on this..you have a good way of descriptive writing and bring the light of objects in your story

    Scrolls

    good story...fast paced action in this one...you have a way of jumping from line to line but bringing excitment in this one..I did notice though you was waking up in the bed and then you was in the car so that felt like somethign was missing. like how he get to the car so fast..cuz it seemed like you went to the door closed it and the zombie was there. not sure how you got tothe car..but either way the story was told really quick paced and i was hoping for a little more out of it. the ending was humorous in a way. still solid verse

    I seen a zombie, about a block away....I cocked and aimed and shot his brain from across the way...
    Just then, I stumbled upon a path of an army crash...
    Half sticking out of a laundry mat that's hardly intact..
    The streets full of bodies, smoke and fire...electric lines with broken fibers are exposing open wires...
    These peoples hopes and desires were killed like the ocean to fire or exploding geysers blown with remote and timers...

    NICE


    I would have to say all three did well.. i think riot didn't put his all into his story when his other one was way to long and it cost him..lacked the greater feel...Shogun had a solid verse and he really brought me into his story with his imagery being on point..his discriptions and story was just solid...scrolls with his fast paced story..felt that it could of been a bit more but it was well written and the ending had some humor as I said before..

    I will have to go with

    my vote Shogun...overall I just felt his verse more where scrolls prolly had a better written verse overall I think shogun edged him... PROPS TO ALL
    test
  10. Souled In

    Souled In New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2010
    Messages:
    100
    lil riot

    I hurt everything around me
    And I've got nothing left to kill

    I had a hard time placing how u kept blaming this person, yet you admit that you hurt eerything around me. That happens a lot, but you didn't seem to "justify" the fact that you knew.

    I would have liked to read any kind of justification for knowing u hurt eeryone around u but still blamed someone else for everything. I mean it happens all the time, but for the story justification would have made it make more sense

    Scrolls

    Tight ending, and your flow rhyme made the story easy to read. The aspects of the story themselves, the highlight was in the end. Not bad. I'd like the bulk of it to be mor elike the end though, when he ran into the door, what it was built for, I was like OH shit.

    Vote Shogun, then, Scrolls, then Lil Riot
    test
  11. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,203
    i jus wanna start by saying if you motherfuckers tie again i will kill you both.

    riot - while reading this, i had tech n9ne's stress relief in my head. the way he spit on it, the kinda screaming shit, thats how this read in my head. this was an entertaining read. i'm gonna make sure someone washes your mouth out with soap though. but for real, the verse was nice. definitely held my attention. the rhymes were good. flow was on. nothin i can really knock.

    shogun - you took this in a cool direction. very original. the imagery was dope. i felt like i was there in the war with the soldiers. you and scrolls got multis for days man. lovin that. the flow was good too. liked that you bolded the quotes too. made them stand out. overall this was a pretty nice drop, man.

    scrolls - this was probably the best verse ive read from you so far. you fuckin killed the rhyme schemes with this one man. fuckin obliterated them, homeboy. the story was cool too. the ending was a dope twist. laughed at the closing you put on it. enjoyed this all the way through

    vote:

    scrolls
    sho
    mk
    test
  12. Souled In

    Souled In New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2010
    Messages:
    100
    FUC*****

    I fucked up my vote Im sorry. This was a 3 wayyyyyyy ahh my browser is fucked up.

    Okay. I need to add a break down for Shogun lol.

    First of all you killed i with those multis, dang. Also, your story, was really cool on the action phase, and descriptions. I could relaly quote a lot here:

    “If we stay near the back end of these buildings we can take ‘em slowly!”
    Sergeant Bowie winked, and smiled like a crazy roadie…

    You take it step by step. The story really felt alive the whole way through, to me.

    Myswel throw some criticism here: All the foreign hostiles must have planned this for the longest
    All the Afghans, Iraqis, Somalians, Moroccans...shit…every known Muslim, Islamic Jihadist : Just too much of that name stuff to read...


    “But we’re special ops; …You’re not some kind of trainee!”
    “We’re ‘brainy’…Creatin’ great things from simple objects like the A-team”
    “We’ve been operating since the eighties!...Bombs are just our play-things!”
    “We’ve been deployed on every continent from here to Bejing!"

    K, you are stalling the climax, WHICH IS COOL, this is usually when the reader skimms details to get to the juicy stuff. Just, the bombs are our play things, like, what soldier would ever say that. Kewl tho!

    LMAO, I'll give you that the ending was unique. However, it kind of downplays the whole death thing. Like, he is laughing like a maniac, not really laughing at any IRONY.

    I'll just do my next break down here of my last vote and this one since I didn't know it was a 3 way.

    Scrolls you had the irony at the end, Shogun you made it more enjoyable for me throughout, and impressed me with some of your fancy multis that didnt make it chopped up at all.

    Since I think there is a noticeable difference, I really would like to request my vote be changed to Shogun.

    Damn I feel like crap. Blame it on my browser. 20 in ch monitor isnt really compatable with some webpages.

    1) Shogun
    2) Scrolls
    3) Lil riot

    If anyone wants more break down pm me.
    test
  13. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2001
    Messages:
    14,243
    LR - honestly I didn't enjoy this verse a whole lot. I found the cursing to take away from your actual story. but overall this was a good story, flow, rhymes and structure were good.

    Shocro - Great verse here. the story was so so vivid. great vocab as well. I think your lines are a tad long which hurt the flow a little bit, but the story itself was killer. well done. your imagery was top notch in this verse.

    Scrolls - Also a great verse. your multies were crazy in this. I found the flow too forces in this at times. But you kept the topic on point and did a great job with developing the story here. I think just like ShoCro, your lines could be shorter, thus would improve the flow.

    I really find it hard to break down some verses. Overall I would say that everyone in this wrote really well. but again the long lines make it hard to fluently spit them over a beat. Its a fine balance and compromise I think, to get the right amount of flow and technical aspects of writing all at once and still remain coherant and stay on topic. overall I think each writer in this battle did well, however one person has to come out on top. That being said I think Shocro took this one, with scrolls a super close second with Lil Riot placing 3rd.

    good work to each of you.

    vote - shocro


    second - scrolls

    third - Lil Riot
    test
  14. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Riot - I liked your verse, the flow was nice. The rhymes were cool but not like your normal work. I enjoyed the emotion(anger) you tried to portray but dropping the "F" bomb twice in the first two lines kind of took away from it because it was unneeded IMO. I know you know this but you can portray the anger without dropping the "F" bomb as much as you did.. Now the verse itself was solid and still good. Nicely done

    Fave Line -
    "I can't remember anything
    Have I been dead all this time?
    I can't remember a fucking thing
    This pain just will not stop"

    Sho - Nice verse here. the amount of detail and imagery was impressive to say the least. You certainly have a way with words. There wasn't anything i didn't like about this verse. The story was enjoyable and detailed...nice work man.

    Fave line -
    "Once the hordes of soldiers aboard a fleet of ships at port were seen…
    …a siege began forcefully…storming our shores and beaches like at ‘Normandy’…
    I won’t forget the horrid screams…“We’ll shortly see more at sea!”,…
    …Corporal Lee warned, then swore, “Shit!...there’ll be enormous losses!”"


    Scrolls - I like the story here....i found it funny tbh...The whole Zombie thing is humorous to me. The rhymes was nice, especially the internals. i thought the flow was good but i thought the story was your best part of your verse. Good job man


    Fave line -
    "I lifted my rifle, and proceded down the street...the darkness still surrounding me...
    This infection Musta hit when I was counting sheep and sound asleep...
    I creeped up to the stations front door...when opened, the smell made my lungs sore...
    "Is there anyone here? Come forward"...there's plenty of blood stored on these rugged floors..."


    Overall a nice match up by both but I think that Sho won this with having the most complete verse. Scroll's verse was nice as well and a very close second. Riot i know have been busy and i'm happy you still show up. Still had a solid verse

    V/ SHo
    test
  15. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,203
    shogun wins. scrolls second. mk third
    test
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