[Week 52] [Championship] C. Cereal_Killer(3-0) vs. 2. Vern Acular(3-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Shadow, Aug 22, 2011.

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  1. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    [​IMG]

    VERSES
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    ed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
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    test
  2. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,146
    Bound By Belief
    ..
    How strong is your faith, can it withstand torture
    It’s of major importance when you’re set for the slaughter
    When you’re short of breath, stressed from endorphins
    Being sent when you’re stretched before all torment
    ..

    [​IMG]
    ..
    6 Days Prior
    My consciousness fades in and out when I’m woken up by water
    Choking on the portions of rags soaked in my cruor
    Tore up and bent, I have been lashed to the point of death
    My joints are wrecked, pain I’ve explored the depths
    I’m deformed at best, morning a life of regret
    As I know the boning knife in site will be coming up next
    My abdomen is swollen, bruised to the stage of exploding
    My eyes are filled with blood as he cuts them with focus
    My veins are enlarged like air has been pumped through
    He pulls me back by my hair and I’m no less then confused
    My stomach produces acids; my kidney start to fail
    His laughter resonates through this dingy dungeon cell
    He carves my pale skin up and I pass out from the pain
    I still don’t understand as I feel an injection in my veins
    ..
    3 Days Prior
    I walk into church, down the pews and to his feet
    I pray before our savior and speak of future dreams
    Hopes and ambitions, a life I wish to produce
    White picket fences and a family with few feuds
    I move to my seat and read the bible sections
    No fear in my heart because I’m under God’s protection
    A lesson of faith when I hear about the spread of disease
    The hungry baby mouths that never learn to read
    I hurt inside for the fallen and forgotten
    The lost sheep from the flock, the apples dropping rotten
    The cost for life sometimes is death but I disagree
    Living in harmony is all that I read in these pages of decree
    I finish walk outside and see a work ute watching me
    But I pay it no mind and continue living honestly
    ..
    Breaking Point
    Past protesters I force way my through to my work
    I feel the abuse but yet I’m amused by the perks
    My first client enters and sits on my bench
    I administer the drugs then spread back her legs
    I take apart of her out so there is no debris
    Then inject inside her the infectious Hep C
    Her abortion went to plan she just murdered her kid
    But my Christians beliefs will linger for as long as she lives
    She will never know the cost of what she’s done
    From a young mother to a disease ridden scum
    As she leaves a man burst through the door
    In pure rage, fists lifted pushing me to the floor
    He states he knows what’s going, his wife’s been infected
    And I will pay for this no matter how well I’m protected
    ..
    test
  3. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2001
    Messages:
    5,344


    Happy Funeral


    in an abandoned warehouse is the whereabouts of an artifact
    a rare relic that’s part in tact it’s stories are hard to act
    a martyrs hat…that was worn and started a heart attack
    a treasure hunt is what set us up amongst this uncharted trap
    and part of that was the reason…that we were all in alliegence
    so we were all in agreement to wander off to a region
    we’re gods fought against legions…
    prophecies were written and catastrophic in sequence
    the sabotage and the treason
    had us all in the freezing rain…marching to war
    the footsteps of the future frolic with a thoughtless rapport
    we walked and explored a labyrinth in the dark of the tour
    shadows of doubt fought with the floor and then they talked through a storm
    an ominous form … appeared in the distance
    it was wearing the rare relic….yet, we didn’t fear its existence
    sensing an overbearing resistance…it got tense
    to the point that we just pointed cause we were nearing defenseless
    fate was here and against us…happy we found the treasure
    was a faded picture compared to the amount of pressure
    we traveled the town of pleasure, battled the mountains-deserts
    without an ounce of these extra impediments now its measured
    an irrelevant style of lecture…an argument with my conscienceness
    talked a bit to the group we recuperated with compliments
    then we thought of the consequence back to thinking accomplishments
    voted on the outcome…. but we kept it anonymous
    see all of this was happening faster than we expected
    we would soon fight as one and actually be respected
    if we brought back the relic so we happily accepted
    a journey into the labyrinth knowing traps would be neglected
    it went black in merely seconds…
    the sky shouted and howled
    about as loud as the growl of a lion now on the prowl
    but with the sound of an owl….but really how did it sound
    it sounded horrific and viscious since we started doubting it now
    so without an ounce of it now…our courage remained lowered
    cause we had to fight a dragon with matches and flame throwers
    ironically when his face lowered…he opened it fast
    the aroma was gas mixed up with sulfar and ash
    he focused the blast at me and we threw up our shields
    with a dream catcher painted on it... I still knew this was real
    the mutiny still developed and it truly concealed
    that I wouldn’t defeat the serpent…interviewing my will
    I thought about all the dreams and all the humans it’s killed
    And what the future reveals depending if any unity spills
    And so I threw up my shield….and with an appetite for destruction
    One of the many ghost of Sparta in the afterlife is a function
    Where spirits of fearless nature still have a likely assumption
    Saying …”tonight.... we dine in hell”…
    Whether we have a fight or a luncheon


    [​IMG]
    test
  4. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2004
    Messages:
    284
    CK
    I liked this verse, it has a nice smooth flow
    The imagey is strong and carries through from start to finish
    The rhymes are relevent and nicely matched
    I like that break down going backwards
    Nice verse

    VERN
    The flow was nice and smooth
    I liked the rhyme scheme, tight .
    so we were all in agreement to wander off to a region
    we’re gods fought against legions…
    prophecies were written and catastrophic in sequence
    the sabotage and the treason
    had us all in the freezing rain…marching to war
    I think this is my favourite part
    Imagery was ok. Strong in some parts, in a few places the rhymes were strong but seemed to mix the images for me, I did read it 3 times.
    Nicely done
    This is a very close match up. Both were very strong and a good champ match.
    For a more complete story
    Vote CK
    test
  5. NOBLE SOLDIER

    NOBLE SOLDIER Fireball Kid

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 1999
    Messages:
    70,900
    i really liked your story ck.. the progress of it hooked me in and kept me interested.. instead of stuffing it all into one package you stretched the story without adding filler.. it was a very solid drop.. its been awhile since i've read anything from you..

    Vern you had a good story aswell.. iah your content imo is probably a tiny bit more well constructed but i lose myself at parts and the flow breaks.. so i had to reread it a couple times.. but u can write.. i know that.. i just had problems keeping as focused on your story..

    Vote CK.. it was close.. i think there are only 4 finished battles.. and this is by far the best of the week.. well deserving of the championship..
    test
  6. Riot

    Riot The Dark Hero.

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2001
    Messages:
    12,505
    CK - I Love your style and how you create your verse, different than most, your flow is very easy, your imagery is close to incredible...but the inside structure of your verse I think could be better...I think if you would incorporate multis in your verse it would give it the finishing touch of masterpiece. The story itself was decent, I did enjoy how you changed it up, but I thought it was missing the element of depth to a story, it was more of an outline..no inner story to the story. Word for Word had my imagination creating the scene..well done.

    Both of you did a very well job, not too much I can criticize in a bad way, this was a very close match up and many times when it's a close match up it will come down to preference on the story and which the reader enjoyed more. and in this particular match up I have to go with vern, I felt is story of my liking just a little more. Not taking away from CK, his was brilliant as well, again..comes down to a preference.

    Vote - Vern


    Vern - What can I say but WOW..not sure what it was about this exactly, I read it twice trying to pin point what exactly it was that made me enjoy this so much...The structure content was great. Your multis or and inner bar-rhyming is great, simple but very effective. It wasn't a creative story, but at the same time I thought you made it your own
    test
  7. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,203
    CK - wow, this story was twisted so you know i loved it. loved the structure, which kept it so the reader had no idea what was going on, then you throw that twist in there that i definitely didnt see coming. The Dr. was insane. loved it. the flow was smooth, imagery was good. i didnt think your rhymes were at your usual level but aside from that this was perfect.

    Vern - Man, i loved the rhyme schemes of this. definitely was what stood out the most to me from this verse. the flow was smooth, imagery, all mechanical aspects were good. but I'm with Noble in that i also lost focus in areas. I started to drift and ended up staring out the window a couple times, then having to go back and restart.

    vote- CK.

    good battle guys.
    test
  8. Cigma

    Cigma Maxwell's Demon

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2002
    Messages:
    12,377
    Ck -

    The first part was alright, set the story going, building drama butI had an issue with your opening… stressed from endorphins? Endorphins make you feel pleasure. And being sent when you're stretched before all torment… 'Being sent' seems ambiguous. Like saying the word Nice. It didn't really accomplish anything'' Like I'm being sent.. to where the principal? Hell? To fetch some water? I think you could have chosen more accurate words to back up the opening urgency or being pushed to the boundaries of your faith.

    I think the details you presented are enough, but the narration of the details made it seem off to me.

    My joints are wrecked, pain I've explored the depths

    I'm not really feeling the pain and anguish, if that makes sense, when you tell the story like this.
    I think maybe you could have said something more along the lines of..

    Incessant smashing, savage weapons, my joints are wrecked,
    I feel the depths of pain with every breath every second I have left.

    See the difference I did enjoy these passages..

    My abdomen is swollen, bruised to stage of exploding,
    My eyes are filled with blood as he cuts them with focus.

    I like the irony of the eyes lol.

    I appreciate the unique rhymes like few feuds and produce, but it yields some funny phrases.

    The third and fourth passages are well done I believe. You tell enough story to fill in the blanks cadence remains consistent.

    I think the torture passage you could have made more excruciating. To me it kind of had to be… because your opening premise is demanding an answer… How strong is your faith??

    And your character never really answers this, and you don't really force to reader to answer it either.

    I don't think you accomplished coming full circle. Because she never really endures the test and despite still remains steadfast in her belief. There is no stand. There is no moment where a declaration is made. And with how the story was unfolding that's what I was looking for. A moment where I could reflect, if those events happened to me, would I have remained true.

    But I do like the ending line about no matter how well you are protected, because she thought she was protected by God and her faith.


    Vern -

    Your rhyme breaks are in a good place, but the story is coming out like, an incessant ramble. It was this and it was that and it did this and thats where we come in and it sent us here, which made me feel like I was slogging through the first paragraph…

    The footsteps of the future frolic with a thoughtless rapport.

    YES! Digging that man, loaded line, it shines in a written sense with literary devices and also is interesting story telling. This made me pay attention.

    Lol but then you promptly get wordy with… shadows of doubt fought with the floor and then they talked through a storm…

    Not really feeling those fillers.

    An ominous form appeared in the distance, it was wearing the rare relic, yet we didn't fear its existence sensing and overbearing resistance, it got tense.

    Sweet flow man! This is your style I see and it's very strong and full.

    I think you need to be more succinct. You sort of meander too much and stretch out your bars and you keep losing momentum.

    about as loud as the growl of a lion now on the prowl but with the sound of an owl but really how did it sound it sounded horrific and vicious since we stated doubting it now.

    There you go again with that wicked flow. But you aren't consistent and it makes the story feel disjointed and jarring instead of enjoyable and on the edge of my seat.


    Vote - CK


    More consistent, more tight with what he wanted to say, although I think some of the scenes depicted were cliche. Vern did some creative things lyrically and imagery wise but it was verse that fought against it self, whereas CK had better production of his ideas.

    Vern also had some fiery parts flow wise but he also had some clipped transitions and needless expounding although I did like story elements themselves.
    test
  9. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
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    76,203
    CK wins 4-1
    test
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