[Week 51] [Champ] C. ShadowWarriorfs(31-16) vs 2. Menso(2-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Mar 23, 2010.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    VERSES

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
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    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
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    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Sunday @ 11:59 PM PST

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    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    NASTY- LyRiKaLxLoRd
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    60,689
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  3. Brown Jesus

    Brown Jesus Menso is for Dummies

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2004
    Messages:
    4,254
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  4. Brown Jesus

    Brown Jesus Menso is for Dummies

    Joined:
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    We stood shoulder to shoulder,
    But when it's over... it's over,

    Best friends acquainted through playing some hoops,
    You were a cool dude and quickly our relationship grew,
    It became unconditional, straight love between men,
    Like brothers, much more than just being a friend,
    It was basically love, no homo, just a manly bond
    I even loved that crazy broad you called your baby's mom,
    Made me stay my tongue about that worthless bitch,
    And when it was curtains,
    I helped you up, I couldn't think you deserved this shit,
    So I put you back on your feet, help you need sorely,
    Gave you Wisdom and Honesty about you immaturity,
    No ones perfect, but certainly we strive for that,
    That's what's meant by getting your life on track,
    The next girl was just more of the same story,
    But we make mistakes before we see decisions were made poorly,
    I was still there for you. You making bad choices,
    Our bond was strong, my contempt for her couldn't destroy it,
    So I only voiced it once and left it there,
    The Electric Chair.. You were shocked, said you didn't care,
    You loved her, and that's all that mattered,
    And when the facade was shattered
    And your heart was bruised and battered
    I didn't call you stupid after,
    I said "Think of the reasons... Think of the meaning...
    Why did I step down to help you pick up the pieces??
    Then Little Brother finds a fine girl to date,
    Fine in appearance and worthy of the pearly gates,
    I always told you she was the one, whatever that means,
    You told me you wanted to make forever more than a dream,
    And I agreed. I co-signed that shit as best man,
    Wrote a speech, tried to give you a message man,
    Only three thing worth dying for:
    Your God, Your Family, and Your Marriage, man,
    Everyday you fight for it, Everyday you sigh for it,
    Marriage is the Beautiful Pearl, overlook the price for it,
    That's what the Good Merchant did with his fortune,
    He gave everything for the One that he's chosen,
    She was a good girl with a good head on her shoulders,
    And I shed tears when the marriage was over,
    You did her wrong, in kind, you did me a great wrong,
    I always steered you right, but you were always wrong,
    I feel it to the depths of my soul,
    It hurts to say it, I'm not proud about it, bro,
    I'm worn out, and you're Out in the Cold,
    Alone
    test
  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689


    Out in the Cold

    She was perfect, God’s hand created being
    From his own rib she stood there, quietly breathing
    Her skins was pure as snow but privately bleeding
    Crushed by limitations, knowledge losing its meaning
    Yet she sat there, alone and out in the cold
    Perhaps she was depressed about never getting old
    Deprived of her desires, she cries tears of gold
    Trying to remove her restraints without being told
    Her list of sins grew deadly as did the seven
    As she missed the winds that blew through mid-heaven
    A warm mist begins to rain down upon the atmosphere
    Then it just ends, becoming cold again as she shivers in fear

    I have always been in infatuated with her
    Some questioned my love but they did not know for sure
    I figured I was nothing special so I just offered my words
    Of advice, each breath would entice like songs of lovebirds
    She smiled with such beauty as my thoughts have lost them
    Voice cracks, my hands sweat, emotions now awesome
    Becoming clumsy as her touch alone gave me balance
    Independent with her action yet still possessed perfect talents
    Wanting to give her my heart and ask for hers in return
    When I found out she loved me, my passion started to burn
    However stern realities caused the fantasy to plummet
    Romantic summits now a memory as butterflies flee my stomach
    Forced into isolation, our bodies go their separate ways
    Watching her vanish, as her image has not left for days
    She told me not to worry but I start to fear the worse
    That she would forget about me and forever leave the earth
    But she still sits there out in the cold and alone
    Waiting for me to come and to finally bring her home

    [​IMG]
    test
  6. S. Issue

    S. Issue Who?

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2002
    Messages:
    908
    Menso: I liked some of this. It was a classic little tale about a friend warning against women, etc. Cool. No problems with that, but it didn't develop beyond a cautionary tale of how we need to listen to those around us and at least think about what they're saying. I wanted it to widen out, open new territory for me and that just didn't go down. Some of the rhymes were boring and not very weel executed (i.e. rhyming wrong/wrong just won't cut it, especially againt someone as meticulous with his rhymes as Shadow). Overall, a decent story, but it lacked in mechanics and didn't feel like it moved smoothly through the scenes. A bit jumpy/scattered.

    Shadow: This was smooth, the rhymes were on and you have a good strong vocabulary that you use to make them work and seem natural. The story was pretty decent, though quickly moved from one point to the next, it almost felt rushed. Which might be the case. Sometimes its better to snapshot one scene than to rush through 2/3 and try to get a more complex story, right? That might have been a better option here, but this was still well executed. Good rhythm, flow, rhymes. Transitioned well. The overall topic was cool too. I knew someone would go there with that picture, its ripe for that story.

    VOTE: Shadow
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  7. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    gotta agree with Issue overall .. Vote: Shads ..

    Menso - this was ok as far as the sentiment to the piece went .. it touched upon emotional aspects of the situation but the rhymes were a bit flat .. and although the piece was fairly short, it did seem to get a little repetitive after half way .. kinda the point I guess (in reference to the content) but as a reader it just drew my interest out of the piece .. not a bad showing but it just didn't quite work ..

    Shads - pretty cool .. more solid than your opponent in all areas tbh .. the vocab and flow just raised this above Menso's verse .. it was an entertaining read even though it did have its flaws and it wasn't one of your best verses I've read .. but it was enough to win this match-up .. straight drop ..
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  8. oNeiRiC

    oNeiRiC Souled In

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2006
    Messages:
    383
    Brown

    The Electric Chair.. You were shocked, said you didn't care,
    You loved her, and that's all that mattered,
    And when the facade was shattered
    And your heart was bruised and battered
    I didn't call you stupid after,
    I said "Think of the reasons... Think of the meaning...
    Why did I step down to help you pick up the pieces??
    Then Little Brother finds a fine girl to date,
    Fine in appearance and worthy of the pearly gates,
    I always told you she was the one, whatever that means,
    You told me you wanted to make forever more than a dream,
    And I agreed. I co-signed that shit as best man,
    Wrote a speech, tried to give you a message man,
    Only three thing worth dying for:
    Your God, Your Family, and Your Marriage, man,

    This was absolute fire, I liked everything about this verse, if i had to offer criticism, i would say the end dragged on after the last line i quoted. I liked the personability, which was good enough to help me overlook the extra syllables, and i liked the focus, that you didnt waver from your point. Then, finally you tied it all together with a story, a moral, and bringing the point into a climax. A well executed piece this was. Can't wait to read more next week.

    Shadow
    I see you took a somewhat indirect approach at explaining the focus of your verse right off the bat. You didn't lose me though, but I did find something that was a bit consistent:

    Her skins was pure as snow but privately bleeding
    Crushed by limitations, knowledge losing its meaning
    Yet she sat there, alone and out in the cold
    Perhaps she was depressed about never getting old


    The way I see it, her being crushed, and privately being, makes it obvious that she sat there, but you say "yet" she sat there, not "and," meaning you were contrasting, as if it was a surprise she was sitting there alone and depressed, when really that is what you have been leading up to. Nothing huge though IMO.

    Deprived of her desires, she cries tears of gold
    Trying to remove her restraints without being told
    Her list of sins grew deadly as did the seven
    As she missed the winds that blew through mid-heaven
    A warm mist begins to rain down upon the atmosphere
    Then it just ends, becoming cold again as she shivers in fear

    I loved the tears of gold..

    "Did" the seven could have used a descriptor

    Now, i notice you go from the metaphor of her missing the winds to real time action. It just seemed a bit abrupt, but it could be because I slowed down and am reading too far into it now. The problem is I dont see any connection between her missing the winds and a warm mist beings raining. It is confusing because when it rains, it make sme wonder if the winds she missed were real, and not a metaphor, like actual winds? If that is so, I would like to know exactly what this wind is.. but it still was good, i just would have liked abit more description in the story is what I'm getting at.

    I figured I was nothing special so I just offered my words
    Of advice

    You could have fit that in the syllables if you played the words a bit for example:

    "Figured i wasnt special so advice i offered in words"

    Making it less choppy..

    Voice cracks, my hands sweat, emotions now awesome
    Becoming clumsy as her touch alone gave me balance
    Independent with her action yet still possessed perfect talents
    Wanting to give her my heart and ask for hers in return
    When I found out she loved me, my passion started to burn

    *oh my gosh dude now This was a good part.

    However stern realities caused the fantasy to plummet
    Romantic summits now a memory as butterflies flee my stomach
    Forced into isolation, our bodies go their separate ways
    Watching her vanish, as her image has not left for days
    She told me not to worry but I start to fear the worse
    That she would forget about me and forever leave the earth
    But she still sits there out in the cold and alone
    Waiting for me to come and to finally bring her home

    *Ok dude this section combined with the last brought you up to a competitive level with your opponents verse!

    Vote Brown, Shadow's spectacular finish wasnt enough to overtake Browns development, personability, and enjoyment in his verse.
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  9. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    60,689
    shadow wins 2-1
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