[Week 51] [Champ] C. Coup d'etat(5-0) vs 2. Cereal_Killer(2-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Aug 15, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSES
    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
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    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
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    ed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
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  2. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,154
    In..
    Nice match last week but now it's time to dance..
    test
  3. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    test
  4. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    True Lies.

    Professor says kids are destitute animals
    Old Earth rock, DNA code shot mandibles
    "Life begun in Campbell's primordial soup
    Stars bust ocean-nut in chemical loops
    This Soup candidly generates acts of self creation
    Like wires randomly making controllers for Play Stations"


    That's what he said

    Scholars teach do what feels good, ignore God
    Animals lack morals, might as well kill with bombs
    I asked, is Great-Great-Great Grandpa a banana ?
    He answered yes, I didn't understand all this mantra,
    "An Evolutionary tinker selects from random chance
    Like mercenaries of death creating fruit fly Bat's"


    Um, What ?

    I'm an animal ? I get to pick then: A Lion
    Matter of fact obey me, that's no lie son
    Nothing but a couple of Periodic Elements
    Just a roar exercising idiotic experiments

    I loved Evolution

    So out my back pack came a gun, clicky clack
    Racked the slide back, shot instantly in attack
    First round plugged the professors skull back
    Misty clouds of blood said I need a hall pass
    I shot the teaching assistant too...execution
    Wanting him to know I understood Evolution
    Rest of the students simply cried, in denial ?
    This is application and how to ace the Final
    I was selecting against smart teachers
    Lowering standards of tests in the future
    I put a gun to a student, we left together
    Books dropped, two birds of one feather

    Flocking outside, he escaped my control
    Shots rip to spray him, scrapping his skull
    This is survival of the fittest, weak fool
    Vestigial traits just leaving the gene pool
    I notice a motorcycle roll past, near us
    Empty clips slug his helmet of pure rust
    Dented like a tin can, pains of nature
    A mutation of his brain wave fracture

    Speeding University Avenue in quick suspension
    With certainty I ride trusting my public education
    I saw ten thousand animals walking on sidewalks
    Smart primates wearing ipods, talking small talks
    I pop random shots and smile at the females
    Figuring they like assholes who don't feel well

    I thought

    Wicked lies hurt, conversed by getting some
    Of thirsting eyes converting past pretty blondes
    This consequential terror tallies up Continental divide
    Do or die, death in error or suffer to get by ?
    Lips of righteousness never, ever, ever uproot
    Despite in consequences against this pursuit
    It's all striking sulfur to insulate match sticks
    Buffering what's in you, baits past magic tricks
    Altars of hate author paying deceptive deposits
    Saving offers you Slaves to barter in pockets


    Later,

    I arrive at my parents house like a baboon
    To demonstrate my attention in the class room...
    The TV was on, breaking news at Michigan State
    Some killer was loose, displaying incredible hate
    I told them that a selective force was natural
    One bullet left, maybe Darwin was not factual...
    Dad stopped, what the fuck are you doing Ed ?
    Mom's eyes popped, I butt the barrel to my head
    Click, pulled the trigger. My head exploded into a slimy mess
    I just showed them. I was a great learner and scientist

    I live Evolution.



    The End.
    test
  5. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,154
    A Soldier’s Succession
    ..
    The final kiss in defeat falls by the feet of the promised
    As my quelled wish sinks beneath all that now bleeds in our province
    Death’s certainly honest
    Upset all of us preach on his bondage
    I’m conscious no sonnet will cease his beliefs and knowledge
    If you’re born with a silver short sword in your quarters you’re forced
    To perform like whores and flaunt violence before the gauntlet of war
    So through torment I’m taught to trust the cold clutch on my weapon
    And hush at the lesson he molds of a soldier’s succession

    ..
    The Promise
    Death visited me about the same year I picked up a blade
    A female afraid of the pain I will inflict when I slay
    Blood stains on a grave for nameless traitors, a song full of hate
    As the reaper explains my tale shall remain long after decay
    He whispers don’t retreat for it’s not my time yet
    I lie wet with fresh tears on flesh wrenched as I fear my spines bent
    I cry with clenched fists, eyes smeared as I stare at a grey sky line
    Then shadowed by the Fire Dragon Knight from Sey-Sow Pines
    As the day goes by and the stars align I’m dragged by my limbs
    With my wounds unmanaged, no bandage my skin sags in the wind
    I get tagged on the chin, a love tap, the Knight holds me down tight
    My spit spatters his grin; he shoves back and discharged deep inside
    For peace I cry when I see a blade slice beside his windpipe
    He falls down as my father supplies a vow to defend life
    My king, God and parent with a viral flagrance for mercy
    Worthy of all titles; relaxed as no attack could hurt me
    My will has survived
    ..
    The Wish
    My womb breeds new life infused with the might of a battle field
    Satan himself would sell all hell and yield to the lance I wield
    My shield has gathered no dust but the blood outlines its harness
    As my father’s division charter the south skies of Charlotte
    Our army of marksmen embarks with no guilt for their targets
    Your carcass they harvest to feed as they lead through the darkness
    The sharpest of foes bowed to the power my father bestowed
    From White to Black throne I never probed while the martyrs let go
    We enter a village to pillage the women and children
    Amber’s clamper to dreams dancing in the wind as we killed them
    Villains, my bowels blow bile from each child we defile
    When it stabbed, kicks inside my abs to axe the acts so vile
    No more denial, one wish exists to show my kid past this
    All the violence of tyrants I shall only fight to grasp bliss
    Carnage for your crown is weak I speak as our proud king halted
    Tarnished my father spits heat defeated and leaves insulted
    My pride has survived
    ..
    The Death
    Many months have crunched up and my swift blade still remains lethal
    People have praised me, as evil gives way to my chain of equals
    With needle point procession from my archery division
    We have honored a system to conquer all who stand vicious
    Our land glistens though I hold fear in my soul for one last dual
    No fools just peace keepers verses the cruel and unusual
    My father with his crown of gems stripped down from the hands of men
    And me a pregnant queen set to defeat his abandonment
    My blade shakes as my archers take aim at a father deranged
    His face enraged as he quakes the reins with laughter through pain
    Insane and crazed we shoot then charge in hope they leave with no less then scars
    We carve and hack grunts to the grass still saving the best for last
    My flesh is marked but yet I swing and collapse all in their tracks
    When I feel a cold sting, their king has stabbed me in the back
    I lie hurt, giving birth as my water breaks bloody and bruised
    In the dirt death delivers my baby boy into servitude
    My soul has inclined
    ..
    [​IMG]
    ..​
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  6. PerfectoUnoJr

    PerfectoUnoJr RM Jobber

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2011
    Messages:
    142
    Coup - I really felt the apathy oozing out of this (if that makes any sense). It also gave an aura of a narrator who's wrapped in his own world and believes he's smarter than those who he's taught by. Which makes him just as bad as those he aims to disprove.

    Lyrically, I wasn't impressed until:
    Wicked lies hurt, conversed by getting some
    Of thirsting eyes converting past pretty blondes
    This consequential terror tallies up Continental divide
    Do or die, death in error or suffer to get by ?


    Even if the first two bars didn't rhyme, the lyrics themselves an what you were trying to say really reached me. It helps that the flow you established here carried over into the rest of the verse.

    All in all, your topic and storytelling was much better than your lyrics. I don't know whether it was a lack of focus or what, but it almost seemed like you rushed this when you should have let it sit for a day given how much time you had.

    -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

    CK - Contrasting Coup, your style, lyrics and flow are far superior to Coup's. However, it almost seems like your ultra-artistic approach to story is too abstract.

    I just read it once more, actually and here's my take:

    It's just too easy to get lost in the language you use. I mean you're talking about death, rape, birth. I know there's so much that has been said on those topics that, to say them in a new way, seems impossible. I think this is caused by a lack of "theme."

    Now when I say "theme," I don't mean your title headings. I mean a "moral of the story." The narrative is there but, like Coup, it seems unfocused (if for a different reason). Again, lyrically, this is superior. And I see that you told a story...but a story that has no reason to be told. Or, at least that's how I feel about tales with no themes.


    My vote: Coup

    I want to give it to CK give how self-serving Coup's verse is. However, I'm judging based on the writing, not the writer.
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  7. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2004
    Messages:
    284
    Coupe
    Some of those rhymes are great and nice to read,
    , but the flow seemed hard for me to find, and when I did, I would lose it again.
    although there were some stanzas that read so smooth, but I had trouble working out what was being said. It seem as though the smoother the flow, the more confused I got, the less smooth the imagery and story made more sense, I know it is most likely me and how I read,
    Imagery was strong , where you wanted them to be
    Good verse


    CK
    Awesome! Strong imagery crazy long rhymes,
    A full on story, told clearly and the unique mix was great
    Sometimes I would be so into the flow I would have to go back to take in the meaning
    So I didn’t lose the image.
    Over all what can I say I enjoyed this verse, sometimes I find your verses to heavy for me. But not this one
    Very nice job

    great work both of you, a champ match for sure. for a unique story

    vote CK
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  8. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2001
    Messages:
    5,344
    COUP:
    ok until the end to be honest I had no idea where you were going with this, as a writer myself I appreciate good word usage but IMO i feel alot of your "vocab" wasn't needed, the mechanics of your verse seemed to be more of an open verse/poetry, with that being said i didn't like the rhyme scheme it was really a task to read i had to just pretend there was no rhyme, as far as creativity the whole i got a gun im gonna shoot people then myself is so cliche to me, the twist at the end made up a little but not much, there were certain segments that stood out but the link between suicide, mass murder at a college, and evolution just didn't add up to me, maybe i missed it or maybe it was so blunt i couldn't get into it, all in all this was above average cause i can tell you have an imagination and you're on the right page, my only advice dont sacrifice adding a "bigger word" for substance work on the flow and rhyme scheme and try something other than suicide next time ......6.5/10


    CEREAL:
    ok, been a while since i've read something from you, beginning to end this was a solid piece, not your best, but solid...lets start with the story at hand it, the narroration moved pretty well it was shaky at times due to flow and rhyme issues and a few run-ons here and there but i actually liked it, everything tied in well with the picture, your use of imagery was ok, but what stood out to me, even though something so small was your mechanics, i enjoyed the foreshadow and alliteration segments, and i have to say my favorite segment was "THE WISH" sequence the beginning was good, and not that big of a twist at the end but all in all a solid peice...8/10

    OVERALL:

    to me this was a lopsided battle, not the best champ match i've read but it wasn't a let down, coup you have talent and if you work on a few things i could see you at the top more often, cereal while not your best, still solid enough for praise, coup had a better twist, but CK just out wrote you here......VOTE CEREAL
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  9. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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  10. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Coup - This was a nice story here. Not very exciting but a solid piece of writing. The rhymes were your strongest part in this piece of writing. The flow was solid but my biggest grip with this wasn't anything mechanical but the fact that it wasn't really interesting to me. Evolution is just utterly boring to me. The ending was nice though. Good work



    CK - Cool story bro. I enjoyed the imagery here. The rhymes were nice and things moved pretty smoothly. I also wasn't as entertained by the story like i had hoped based on the picture but it still was pretty enjoyable to read. There isn't much more i can say about it then that. Good work


    V/ CK for having a more enjoyable story.
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  11. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    CK up 3 to -1
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