[Week 50] [Contender] 3. T.a.C(11-7) vs 4. Cereal_Killer(1-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Aug 8, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSES
    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
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    ed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
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    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Sunday @ 11:59 PM PST

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    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
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    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
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  2. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
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    76,203
    I’m living the American Dream
    I don’t mean to sound arrogantly
    I have the beautiful front lawn
    Leading up to a miniature pond
    White picket fence, trees galore
    A narrow dirt path to the front door
    A white Victorian with green shutters
    U.S Flag hanging that in the eve flutters
    A long brick chimney raising high
    Chairs on the roof facing the amazing sky
    Inside my wife, definitely a misplaced saint
    So beautiful, she doesn’t need face paint
    My son in his crib, laying in the sun’s heat
    My pride and joy who makes me complete
    Yeah, it’s easy to see my life’s perfect
    And I pray nightly no problems might surface

    But they did, the issue that I’m dealing with
    Arose one night when my son was feeling sick
    Throwing up and squealing, my fear surrounds
    My heart was breaking as I had to hear the sound
    We rushed to the hospital, doc said if we stand pat
    He will die, he’s in need of a kidney transplant
    I offer to be the donor, I strongly hope that
    I’ll be compatible, but they say that I don’t match
    My wife offers, deafening me like thunder just strike
    She’s a match, in an hour she’ll be under the knife
    They prep her, I step outside to take a cool breather
    Praying they’re okay because I’ll die if I lose either
    Sitting on a park bench in the pitch black
    In the cold air, trying to get my mind intact
    Tears streaming down my cheek, praying brokenly
    Apparently I passed out because the sunrise awoken me

    I look at my watch, It’s 6 am, my wife’s out of surgery
    My son’s should be starting, running back with urgency
    Through the Kaiser entrance to quickly find her room
    Still as beautiful as when we became bride and groom
    I notice she’s not hooked up to anything, I’m confused
    Just then a doctor walks in, and he supplies the truth
    There were complications, they couldn’t stop her bleeding
    Looking over to her body, now realizing she’s not breathing
    In shock, pleading with the doc, needing her to be saved
    Knowing its futile and that I have behaved depraved
    He puts his hand on my back as I begin to shake, shit
    He tells me we waited too long, my son didn’t make it
    A broken man, I still feel like I died there
    My American dream became an American Nightmare
    We all traveled there together, and now I’m stranded
    I went to the hospital with two people I love…
    … but I’m Coming Home Empty Handed


    Coming Home Empty Handed
    test
  3. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,146
    A Love too Vane
    ..
    At thirteen I’d first seen the workings of time travel
    A Pagan that aged when the chains changed from life’s grapple
    I had fell in reach of this beast while seeking a spell
    For feasts of a kings farewell which unleashed strings of hell
    My skin would graze and my hair would fade each time I leaped
    I became stained, grey matter strained at my vanities feat
    Insanity reached, I preached in a coven and see-sawed
    With peace deformed before I summoned Belphegor
    The five headed hell hound grasps onto my tired frame
    And talks as if he truly knows of my violent pain
    I’m battered, deranged willing to take all I acclaim
    He promises me looks and long age, a life time of change
    But as the sun rises my iris burn with my skin
    My thirst now emerges for the murder of victims
    Belphegor laughs but yet he is forgetting one fact
    I am to vane to feast from the dissecting of rats
    No less then perfect, I will only consume demons
    Belphegor curses and claims that I’m just a peon
    But I will hunt for my food no matter the season
    ..
    [​IMG]
    ..
    Egypt
    At night in the old town of Giza on the Nile
    I lie between two sleek statues upon lime tiles
    In the aftermath of Alexander the Great's exit
    I exist, a young Pharaoh the people selected
    Through flooding and doubt as the farmers slept
    I placed an offering in the valley of depth
    Jewels the size of fists, so bright they eclipse the full moons birth
    As Mammon emerged draped in gold wanting to commerce
    Words formed from hand gestures and sighs on this silent night
    With his skin made of the souls his engulfed in violent cries
    He kneels in gratitude as I move and peel his face
    With a swift blow from my blade Mammon yields for my taste
    I suckle his life force out and get reborn again
    I savor the flavor and drop his corpse with a grin
    ..
    Rome
    From bands of orange and yellow I relax and bathe
    Between the costly crossroads of our traffic and trade
    In the Roman Forum from conquest we honor belief
    Please I am a god amongst men portraying the chief priest
    In the largest empire is where I sit with a purpose
    Through orgies of virgins he is certain to surface
    Low and behold Asmodeus blesses my quarters
    A creature of neglect and complete unimportance
    He's measured these daughters and for him they will perform
    His touch is lukewarm still his blood will leave me restored
    Whilst he explores and combusts in the world of lust, I lunge
    Ripping out his lung and sipping his blood from a cup
    I hold it up and gaze off into the reflection
    As my bone structure turns and tightens to perfection
    ..
    China
    In a ninja clan of Shang through the battle of Muye
    Looking for Leviathan gripping my shikomizue
    When I’m moved by the scent of rotting flesh and dogs breath
    Belphegor appears through the searing flames of regret
    He begs and pleads for his life in return he shall meet
    An agreement that will see Lucifer in defeat
    I proceed into hell behind a shell of a beast
    To conceit before the beauty that held the elite
    Her ruby red lips which sit upon her champagne skin
    Her cloak floats through debris of the lost and forgotten
    She invites me to sit on her throne, all of this is mine
    When she waves a legion of demons for my supply
    My eyes glisten as I listen, my plans completed
    As she wrenches my heart from my chest
    Just to eat it
    ..
    THE END
    ..​
    test
  4. Nu'maaN

    Nu'maaN Anu'naki, Nuqqa.

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    25,670
    tee.
    started off pretty slow, but by the time i hit the third "stanza" i figured out that both your wife and kid are going to die. awesome concept for the title you chose, and it worked well with the writings you wrote. i just wish you would use better words, when you're describing things. don't get me wrong, you move the story along pretty damn well and quick, but "arrogantly" has never rhymed with "american dream" unless you say it in a specific way. hard to tell in text, true.

    could've been -
    a white victorian secured with green shutters,
    as the US flag hanging in this windy eve, flutters.

    i don't know, that's what i meant by your descriptions could be better.

    ck.
    if it wasn't for your time travel mention at the start, i'd be confused as to how you ended up in all different continents of the world. but it's obvious you summon some force, that i haven't really heard of but that's besides the point. each of your location story was pretty nice, but i couldn't find a flowing narrative like tee's story had. it was all over the place. literally. but if that's what you were getting at, it worked.

    my vote.
    i prefer ck's vocab over tee's, but tee's story over ck's. but all in all, since this is a storytelling league, i will give my vote to the kid.

    my vote : t.a.c.

    :numaan:
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  5. Resilient.

    Resilient. .. . ..

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2001
    Messages:
    29,663
    T.a.C - Wow man. Powerful. that's what I have to say about this. Wording and flow could have been better, but you told a great story. Sad story. I figured one of them was going to die, but I thought you were going to be faced with "who do I decide" kind of ending. But going home empty handed, I liked the way you used the topic. Excellent job, my friend.

    Cereal - Your flow is pretty straightforward. I enjoyed the read. Very smooth. I also enjoyed your picture choice and what you did with it. The way you incorporated names from mythology, and intelligence of the regions you were depicting in your piece gave for a very enjoyable verse. I liked the way you ended it. I would have gone a little farther with China, maybe 4 more lines, then a separate verse for Hell.

    Overall, great job to both of you.

    Vote - Cereal Killer

    Intelligence in words and rhyme won this battle.
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  6. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    4,096
    hold the polls until monday afternoon...
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  7. Cigma

    Cigma Maxwell's Demon

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2002
    Messages:
    12,377
    Ck -

    A Pagan that aged when the chains changed from life’s grapple
    I had fell in reach of this beast while seeking a spell


    I like what you did with the sounds in the first line 'gan aged chains changed gra'

    Second line the word 'fell' stuck out as just forced, its obviously the wrong form of the word, i know we're informal, but to me especially after that first line being so smooth, it tripped me from the start.

    I became stained, grey matter strained at my vanities feat
    Insanity reached, I preached in a coven and see-sawed
    With peace deformed before I summoned Belphegor


    Man you are doing some nice acrobatics in there sounds cool even though some of the wording is used in uncommon ways.

    In a ninja clan of Shang through the battle of Muye
    Looking for Leviathan gripping my shikomizue


    DAWG nice, let me say it like this... you are behind every word it's like when you shoot basketball and you throw up the ball or do you actually drain the shot... you drain that line.

    Shit man the story was a bit unsettling I had to reread it and then MAN IT GET SICKER what you actually did, the first passage should actually be read like


    At thirteen I’d first seen the workings of time travel
    A Pagan that aged when the chains changed from life’s grapple
    I had fell in reach of this beast while seeking a spell

    For feasts of a kings farewell which unleashed strings of hell
    My skin would graze and my hair would fade each time I leaped
    I became stained, grey matter strained at my vanities feat

    Insanity reached, I preached in a coven and see-sawed


    I think the way you broke up the story hurt it. Because it's so run together and all these events are popping in each bar it's easy to just gloss over parts

    You really tell a great story and link it back at the end, you weaved this story. It's also like you told multiple stories

    with tactile details and reminded me like I was reading and Epic tale except condensed but satisfying.

    Great job man, just the overall craft and delivery


    TAC

    Having just read SW verse before this vote and then coming in and reading yours, man you remind me a lot like his writing except

    you are not as polished lol.

    And you guys just hit the bar from a little different angle.

    It's subtle but Shadow's story comes out of the words, while you tell the story more like what's going on

    But I will say you have that economy of words in the lines down. This verse was efficient with all the necessities to set up your story and land.

    The story idea was clever man... a major hit at the end.

    Strong emotions although if you had just had more detail, more moments in the characters life instead of just general descriptions,

    You could have really made this something great.

    We saw a peek into something and that peak was enough to make one gasp, but you
    are on the verge.


    Vote - CK


    I think overall CK had a more all around verse good to excellent in many areas, there was much to appreciate and be impressed about.

    While Tac showed a stroke of genius in one aspect while average in a lot of spots was just not enough for me.
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  8. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

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    test
  9. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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  10. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    TaC - great way to open capturing the essence what every American debt slave wants. Aside from the first bar, which read very awkward to me, I though you did good with it. I thought some irony would be awesome to add, like some political or social satire of what is wrong with our country, because let us be honest, our county is fubar.

    Like I always say I like your clear way of telling a story. And I think you develop really fast, almost too fast. The structure is like a power point presentation...I always thought if you slow this down and control the pace of your story in more moderation you would be very difficult to beat. How do you do this ?

    Imagery, more inner dialog with your characters, more back drop, less fore ground noise...do you know what I mean ?

    I swear, one day I am going to rewrite a verse from you to give it what I think it needs. Don't get me wrong dude, I say this because you are one of the best at telling a quick story in this formant, either you or shadow, hard to tell. I wish I had your tendency to do this, cos I'm the opposite of you, I become imagery heavy. You see where balance is needed ? This read too fast, to brisk and too slick. Still a great verse. No lie.



    CK- I thought the this was really jammed packed with ever constaly changing points of story direction. To be quite on honest and respectful, I really did not follow this when reading. IT was like a festival of confusion.


    At thirteen I’d first seen the workings of time travel
    A Pagan that aged when the chains changed from life’s grapple



    From the start I was like OK, what did I miss. Felt like I was dropped into the middle of a war. confusion.

    I had fell in reach of this beast while seeking a spell
    For feasts of a kings farewell which unleashed strings of hell


    What beast ?

    I'm lost and so it went ...

    I'm definitely not trying to nit pick, I'm being honest. This was a hard act to follow.
    Still my complaints of story clarity, or in this case confusion, said noting of your mechanics which were top notch. It's getting to be tournament time and no room for fluff, I think you need to hear some crit. Unwind and tack some TaC into your verse, belive this.



    V- TaC
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  11. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    60,689
    T.a.C - So like i said before, you are very creative but need some fine tuning with your delivery. For example "Chairs on the roof facing the amazing sky " What was so beautiful about it? Saying amazing blue sky or cloudy sky, would have said both. Which is a little thing yea but is also needed imo. Also lines like this, "Still as beautiful as when we became bride and groom" read very awkwardly for me. It felt kind of forced and like you put it there just so you could rhyme with room. Still the story was nice but the mechanics and delivery need a lot of work. Good work tho


    CK - Well done sir, well done. The story was really good and delivered perfectly. The vocab was good and the rhymes were smooth. I loved the amount of detail you put into this. Everything with this story was just smooth to me. I don't really know what else to say


    V/ CK
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  12. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    CK up 3-2
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  13. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

    Joined:
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    TAC
    An emotionally packed verse’s have felt that pain and you described it well.
    Your flow was nice and rhythmic.
    The imagery was better than good, it was accurate.
    There were just a couple of lines in there that broke slightly with the flow but it didn’t distract from the impact of your verse
    Nicely done

    CK
    Firstly let me say I love the way these names that seem as though they are made up are actual pagan figures, as usual your research is commendable.
    The flow was nice.
    Story well told and set out nicely.
    Rhymes where well done and imagery was strong
    Also nicely done
    You guys have worked hard and produced two battle worthy verses which makes it hard. I felt TAC sadness. But I knew where it was going. CK’s verse took me to somewhere I hadn’t been before with a unique idea and for that.
    Vote CK
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  14. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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