[Week 50] 5. Vern Acular(1-0) vs 6. PerfectoUnoJr(0-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Aug 8, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

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  2. PerfectoUnoJr

    PerfectoUnoJr RM Jobber

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    Me thinks this is going to be certain death...for me.
    test
  3. PerfectoUnoJr

    PerfectoUnoJr RM Jobber

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    Dreamland

    In the dark I feel so alone
    Yet in the dark I feel so at home

    In a place of shadows is where it lays
    All the while it continues its gradual decay
    I think I’ll stay here, the lack of light is lovely,
    The feeling of control is near and I don’t feel pain, in fact, I feel nothing
    Sure, I can’t see anything that’s going to happen
    But why would I want to go back to that horrid place of famine?

    I despise what that world is becoming
    So I become an island, slowly drifting away
    In the hopes that no one will find me.
    And that things might pick up again, someday

    But it’s really not that bad here, on my dark piece of land
    My heart may have become bitter, but don't say I didn't I try to understand
    Too often I’ve been called out by the hypocrites
    Who sit high and fit lies into their own heads
    Somehow believing that God has excused them
    Instead, they find time to fight and cling to every little thing I might be doing improperly

    They shit upon all that is good
    Create havoc, with all that is lewd
    It’s tragic, so frustrating that I could
    not catch it, before I was fooled

    It wasn't always like this though.

    I want to go back to a time when dreams meant something
    Before everything got so scrutinized on the net
    They say size don't matter so long as you've got funding
    But the rest of our lives get spent escaping our debt
    I'm not writing about government over-spending
    Though it gives a fine account as a stirring vignette
    Some have decided that their dreams aren't worth defending
    Reality occupies their hearts, so they forget

    Like I did.

    So now here it rests, and I along with it
    With too many regrets and not enough spirit
    I figured out too late that dreaming is not something to be discovered
    Rather, it is the lost and ancient art in which something is recovered
    My dream died when too many I loved said "no."
    When the shame in sharing it became too much to bear
    So this dreamland is all I have left to show
    You may visit any time you'd like; so long as you remember not to care


    [​IMG]
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  4. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    5,344
    .:: DREAMLAND ::.
    ( Vol. 1 )

    "the plastic knife meets the silver spoon"


    where i'm from it's told that in a land far far away
    is an island with a hut called The Shark Bar Buffet
    inside there's a man who bought a smart car today
    and now is about to try himself an aardvark filet
    now the hard part’s the taste until the thrill within its texture
    sends your brain into a wave that makes you feel a little extra
    ALIVE! To say the least…because inside you slain the beast
    And jokes aside you wait to eat…but did you kill it for the pleasure
    A man whispers this, etc…..
    I see him trying his cider
    A blend of anaconda blood and literally the eye of the tiger
    It’s thanksgiving in the Pacific but inside of this diner
    Is a stuffed ostrich with the head of a baby lion inside her
    But here’s the twisted thing…you pick your meal alive and admire
    Your main course in flames torched…as it dies in the fire
    In vague form the glazed orange is a dying desire
    And the rock fish is the top dish but…..dine-in is required
    Then time ticks and expires and through the many years after
    You experience decadence with a pinch of this weird laughter
    People eat this?....of course, and you was a mere actor
    It’s like turning on the Food Network to see them sponsoring fear factor
    The memory couldn’t have disappeared faster
    All of a sudden I was running in a near pasture
    Saying something like im coming, im here master
    Realizing I am cunning, but must be a deer tracker
    And then I knew


    ….facing the belt, I was chasing an elk
    Racing it, waiting for help
    Basically anxious ok cause I was afraid for my health
    Went from a man to dog straight to debating myself
    It faded the chase and the belt straight to the pain that I felt
    Here in this cage on the shelf….it felt like a lion bit me
    Or maybe a shark attack the way the tranquilizer emptied
    How can I define it simply….i was crying in a frenzy
    When I started realizing I was dying in assembly
    And I was trying to be friendly…until the butcher arrived
    A young man…
    With the look of the little engine that could in his eyes
    He reminded me of me…hair pushed to the side
    The hard part…he chose the aardvark? Then cooked it with pride
    That’s when the look of surprise hit me…he’s coming back for seconds
    He ordered “Mans Best Friend”…without reason to act selective
    And said he wanted it raw though…mentioned eating its paws cold
    The other dogs know the irony….he needs a doggy bag I reckoned
    And then I knew….



    What was misconstrued….well the MAN who bought me was ME
    But I was still a DOG in a box how could this possibly be
    He got utencils, paper towels and then his box full of treats
    Said goodbye, left the building, then he got in his jeep (the smart car)
    Im gonna die was a thought as I dropped from the seat
    I accepted death then I snapped and said...no im not…im asleep…
    Lost in my grief...I was home!...I was taking a nap!
    Now all I need to do is try to find a way to get back
    And then it faded to black…….i either died or im dreaming
    To only wake up to a menu trying to decide what im eating
    I look down at my hands and feel a little sigh of relief then
    I realize the endangered species in a line on the cement
    I then decide in agreement…I had my eyes on the penguin
    But here a feast lies before me I guess I’ll try them in sequence
    And then a long shout…
    The owner screaming can you get this dog out
    See the shark bar resembled home but I was in the wrong house
    I heard barking then HE told ME that I needed to calm down
    I wasn’t human? assuming I wasn’t dreaming at all now
    And after a little fall out…there was me and my master
    A dog who dreamed about everything in the previous chapter
    An old tracker of elk, birds, and endangered species they’re after
    And even though it’s a dream the dog dreams of…
    …….being his master


    [​IMG]
    test
  5. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

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    Perfecto PM'd me saying my line limit has exceeded 64...by my count it's exactly 64 some lines are just longer...it's the format that makes it look longer...thank you for the heads up though
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  6. PerfectoUnoJr

    PerfectoUnoJr RM Jobber

    Joined:
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    No problem. Just didn't want some bullshit technicality getting in the way of my ass getting kicked.
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  7. Nu'maaN

    Nu'maaN Anu'naki, Nuqqa.

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2005
    Messages:
    25,674
    perfect.
    nice topic selection, and you wrote about it pretty well despite not rhyming at all at times.

    the rest of your rhymes carried the story but on primary crutches, and if it wasn't for this part of your verse (below) - i would've stopped reading.

    very nice.

    vern.
    i think the hype got to me, i was expecting a million times better due to the amount of praise you were getting, but i will say this - you didn't disappoint. it's obvious you have a way with words, and know exactly where to put which word to end the rhyme and keep the flow at the same time. not only did you do that, but the story kept moving on. i had to read it twice, to see if there were any flaws/loopholes with your concept, there wasn't.

    my vote.
    if perfect wrote more like the verse i quoted of his, i would've given the vote to him easily for the more interesting topic selection, but he only shined in his written in some parts. whereas vern kept it consistent throughout, the rhyme schemes and patterns were all very easily readable and it wasn't hard to keep up or lose the flow.

    better luck next time, perfect.

    vote : vern.

    :numaan:
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  8. Resilient.

    Resilient. .. . ..

    Joined:
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    Perfect - I'm sorry to say, but this was the hardest verse to follow that I've read in a long time. The AABBCDCD scheme you tried to use did not work like you would have wanted it to. It also read like spoken word, and a very choppy one at that. I get where you were going as far as the story went, so good job with the concept. But it needed far better execution.

    Vern - I am in awe. Your imagery was amazing. I forced myself to NOT look at the picture until the end of the verse. I didn't want to spoil this exciting read. Your flow was perfect. Multies were on point. This is probably the most intelligent piece I've read in a very long time. One problem I had was when you called the smart car the jeep. I don't understand how it is a Jeep, but I do understand you needed to use Jeep for the rhyme scheme.

    Overall - Good match. Vern came with what was expected.

    Vote - Vern.
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  9. PerfectoUnoJr

    PerfectoUnoJr RM Jobber

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    I am glad you noticed the scheme I was attempting, and that I wrote it with spoken word in mind (where as last week I wrote something that looked lyrical/song based). You also noticed, like I did, that something was off the whole way through. I just couldn't put my finger on it and wasn't willing to start over.

    I'm just trying to find my style here.
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  10. Resilient.

    Resilient. .. . ..

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    I'm glad I didn't offend. I mean, I'm not saying I am the greatest, but I can give some tips and pointers. PM me if needed, man.
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  11. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    4,096
    P - wow brother. I absolutely loved the narrative. It was careful to not offend and still it stood its ground, dancing along in such a reminiscent way. I thought this was not only expressive but also a lingering walk through someone else's shoes. I don't think you wasted a word:

    I despise what that world is becoming
    So the hopes that no one will find me.
    And that things might pick up again, someday
    I become an island, slowly drifting away
    In
    and

    They shit upon all that is good
    Create havoc, with all that is lewd
    It’s tragic, so frustrating that I could
    not catch it, before I was fooled

    favorite line:

    I want to go back to a time when dreams meant something
    Before everything got so scrutinized on the net


    I really have nothing more to say. Loved it.


    Vern - I appreciate the story and this was this weeks strong suit for you. I could not help feeling that this was laden with too many words and it really slugged on as a read to some extent. That said, I confess that it really took form the pacing of the story, considering it was, in my opinion, word heavy. What I feel this needs is a hair cut. I know you're writing a book, but you got to keep in mind the RS TL. I hope I can get away with saying that.

    Overall, a detailed and story conscious work. Not too fond of the content but impressed with the written process.


    V- P (VOTW)
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  12. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    4,146
    UNO:
    Awesome opening stanza.. To me this read off beautifully.. your flow and vocab where on point and it was driving by good narration and emotion.. I think the story itself was straight forward but with interesting point.. "Dont sell your dreams short no matter how people might view them" ..
    All in all pretty solid..

    vern:
    Now structure wise this is flawless.. Imagery was over the top but in a seriously strange way it was interesting and definitely very creative.. Now the story its self i get the whole mankind is the king of the jungle and mans best friend will do anything to sit in his throne but i think the way you delivered this story it jumped around too much and lost some of the impact along the way.. But regardless top piece..

    vote = vern acular

    Now this was close imo but im giving the tip to vern for the insane and truly colourful world he painted.. gl guys
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  13. Cigma

    Cigma Maxwell's Demon

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    12,377
    This is the toughest vote to me so I saved it for last...

    And I noticed a recurring theme for this week.
    Every possible Merit that can be found in a verse was displayed.
    I mean, intelligent vocab, slick rhyme schemes, twist, narration, communication of ideas, crafting...
    Really a treat to read many of these verses.


    I think there are a few different ways people emphasize in the identity of a verse.
    Is it topical, is it a story, is a rap that flows, a combination...
    Is it poetic, is it smart, does it sound good

    How am I getting the story from the words, is it delivered or do i have to dig.
    What am I seeing what am receiving...



    PUJ -

    In the dark I feel so alone
    Yet in the dark I feel so at home


    These are solid bars. They give mood, they give perspective, it takes you to a place. And that's what you want to do at the start.

    In a place of shadows is where it lays
    All the while it continues its gradual decay


    These meaningful words although it's stark from an artistry standpoint.

    I despise what that world is becoming
    So I become an island, slowly drifting away
    In the hopes that no one will find me.
    And that things might pick up again, someday


    Good imagery although the last two lines contradict. I'm in tune with the characters plight.

    Too often I’ve been called out by the hypocrites
    Who sit high and fit lies into their own heads
    Somehow believing that God has excused them
    Instead, they find time to fight and cling to every little thing I might be doing improperly


    Your delivery of ideas is devoid of decoration. Strong

    Yet!!

    You can do both, deliver the idea and also make it glow.

    This is intellectually appealing, but I don't love it.

    They shit upon all that is good
    Create havoc, with all that is lewd
    It’s tragic, so frustrating that I could
    not catch it, before I was fooled

    It wasn't always like this though.


    Okay now I think you are failing to do justice to the message by just make a list of outrages.

    I need to see this. Right now I am losing regard for the story, it's cheap. Give me more than just that sad story.

    You can't just put me there, you should to take me.

    I want to go back to a time when dreams meant something
    Before everything got so scrutinized on the net
    They say size don't matter so long as you've got funding
    But the rest of our lives get spent escaping our debt
    I'm not writing about government over-spending
    Though it gives a fine account as a stirring vignette
    Some have decided that their dreams aren't worth defending
    Reality occupies their hearts, so they forget


    That's what I mean! You got it right there. I am fully engaged with the character, I feel what he's going through, I see the truth.
    The rest of our lives get spent escaping our debt.
    Heavy bro..

    Last stanza is a heavy hitter too.

    Vern:

    It's tough to maintain an overall flow to a verse start to finish but you did. It's lilting and even paced throughout, which implies the skill it took to craft.

    I admire your take on the picture and topic. It was a creative Idea but the execution lacked depth to me.

    It is an interesting narrative lacking a truthful connection. You are inventing
    a story without a human element. So as a reader I have to be engaged with it
    in some other manner, like a sick flow, or some super genius twist, some
    meaning not Just a Story.

    inside there's a man who bought a smart car today
    and now is about to try himself an aardvark filet
    now the hard part’s the taste until the thrill within its texture
    sends your brain into a wave that makes you feel a little extra
    ALIVE!


    Technically this verse is polished, effective and consistent.

    The owner screaming can you get this dog out
    See the shark bar resembled home but I was in the wrong house
    I heard barking then HE told ME that I needed to calm down
    I wasn’t human? assuming I wasn’t dreaming at all now
    And after a little fall out…there was me and my master
    A dog who dreamed about everything in the previous chapter
    An old tracker of elk, birds, and endangered species they’re after
    And even though it’s a dream the dog dreams of…
    …….being his master


    Although the ending pace quickened having the story drawn out like that
    in such a deliberate manner it lessened the impact because it took a long
    time to get there.

    Length is not the problem. But when it's a length that filled redundantly
    nothing exciting to break up pockets of story advancement to the end
    then it feels like just a push to the finish instead of enjoying the journey.

    I think your weaving and craftsmanship is impressive. I think you dawdled
    in some ideas that didn't progress your story in a suitable way.

    VOTE BARELY VERN


    So where do I draw the line. The content of writing, and the way of writing...

    They shouldn't be 2 separate directions, but a Direction thats moving outward
    and upward at the same time.

    Giving me a Form that I can see... not some cold words.


    I will relate this to boxing. You guys went 12 rounds and it went to the cards.

    In boxing the winner gets 10 points in a round, the loser 9.
    when there is a knockdown, you take a point away from the loser of the round
    So 1 knockdown makes it 10 8 round, or 2 knockdowns makes it a 10 7 etc..


    Vern might have won more rounds, but PUJ had a 10 6 round in there and 10 7...

    Vern showed ability and skill in many aspects and was consistent.
    So this would let him win rounds where PUJ was not swinging.
    But when PUJ SWUNG and hit he had force behind him.

    Now heres where it gets tricky.

    While Verns verse was not as intimate as PUJ, everything he threw had some pop

    Vern didn't have any places where he was just empty. He was always
    giving something although it might not be so obviously to see.

    PUJ in some spots had no flow or rhyme scheme or detail etc...
    No one got knocked out, but if I had to pick a winner its VERN.

    Puj needed to give me a little more, in places he barely gave me any.

    So imagine if you bring those areas up....
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  14. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    good job Perfect I must say I never read your stuff but you sir are a worthy opponent...sorry I couldn't vote this week guys had a busy weekend not enough time I will try my best to give a critique on everyone's battle/verse this week since I have not done so yet...thanks everyone for the critisism i honestly posted this in an hour without proof reading and now that i read your critiques and the verse again i see where you're coming from...i have more time on my hands this week so expect a gem...thanks again to the league
    test
  15. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    ^ you still got time to vote. matches close in almost 10 hours.


    perfecto- man, i really enjoyed your opening two lines about being in the dark. really drew me in to the story. i also really liked your funding/debt line. i wasnt a fan of the lack of rhyme in certain areas, but you already said you were going for a spoken word tone, so its whatever. i know you're new and finding your voice, and i gotta say you're on your way man. good verse.

    vern- the flow of this verse was pretty nice and you had some dope rhyme schemes throughout. a lot of slick multis. the imagery was pretty beautiful. mechanically this was great. i got a bit confused with the story though. the jeep/smart car thing threw me off. i thought i was following but the last stanza really threw me off. i re-read it a couple times, but im still not sure i get it.

    vote- vern by a hair. while i had issue with his story itself, this was probably the most mechanically sound verse i read this week. good job guys
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  16. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

    Joined:
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    Perfecto
    So many new faces here. I haven’t seen your work before either.
    It was a deep and amazing story
    Strong imagery and valid.
    I got a little lost in the flow, I read it twice, but as I have said before, that is most likely me.
    Your collection of words is lovely and the combination.
    Great drop

    Vern
    Firstly let me say smooth smooth smooth. You get 3 smoothes because it was that nice to read and the rhymes where magical and useful. The imagery was powerful and complete
    I enjoyed reading your verse. I read it twice also, but the second time was to vote and pleasure
    It’s nice to see such abilities here. Thank you
    Nicely done
    For the flow of the story
    Vote Vern
    test
  17. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Vern wins 2-1
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