[Week 5] [Contender] 3. Pent uP(3-0) vs 4. Breathless(2-2)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Feb 13, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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  2. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    I fart in your general direction
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  3. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who.

    (this is far more appropriate of a quote, i was gonna respond with "your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries" but i couldn't remember if it was father or grandfather, so i googled it and stumbled upon the more fitting quote there)
    test
  4. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    Trickle Down Affect

    As I sit and listen to another distant clap of thunder crash an' fade
    from my feet squeaks a kitten's mew, I lean back, pat my leg.
    She leaps into my lap as I wonder how long until we'll have a day
    with dry grass to frolic in again, or a sky that isn't gray.
    Indifferent, she just licks her paws an' wipes 'em on her face.
    The window shows a thickened fog, not light in any way,
    except when a system draws closer, but the lightning never stays.
    Calm as can be as the drizzle falls, with a swipe she starts to play
    with a wayward string dangling from the sleeve of my coat like lifeless prey.
    I'd like to say that I can still find the faith I somehow might get saved,
    gotta shake my frame of mind from saying the next flicker will hold it's shadow.
    It was just a power outage, a downed electrical pole or what have you...
    but the sound of a repair truck's past due, and usually the phones work...
    shit, even my cell has no service! God damn it, what else could go worse?
    Hey now, don't panic...well, check the radio first.
    Wait, what?..... Nothing but static on ev'ry station...
    how can there not be one single person tryin' to transmit information?
    Man, I hope this ain't no whole entire planet situation.
    Oh, c'mon now, it's not a global disaster, have some patience.
    Talk yerself down, hold it together, get passed yer inner anxiousness.
    Formulate a plan of action, figure out which way to take it in.
    Not much more to do but wait and see what'll really happen.
    So I lock the door and choose what fate'll be fulfilled at random.
    And to think, I believed the apocalypse came, so evil, silly, that's it...

    So...what ta do? I know...
    I've got a whole bunch of unopened mail...
    been gettin' a lot a' junk lately...here's a big one...
    No postage?...Fail!
    Wait a minute, there's just a return address, mine,
    but the name is... Noah Vale?
    That's odd... So I lift the manilla envelope flap,
    out drops a catalog... full of boats for sale...

    It's been a week now... Shit...
    an' it's seemin' like these clouds ain't goin' nowhere quick.
    It's overflowed the ditches, what used to be a street
    has turned into a river on the rise and the shit is gettin' deep.
    Lost my paddle in the creek an' I'm pissed, man, jeez!
    I was s'posed to come back with food, I had a big plan to eat...
    but that was the only way I had to maneuver this damn makeshift raft
    through the sewer water polluted squalor... I haven't ate since...damn...
    I can't even remember, it's that bad, I'm gonna die!
    Did I really have to sacrifice my fuckin' cat to survive?
    It feels so wrong, but I'm almost tastin' the blood again...
    last week my biggest problem was if the basement'll flood a bit.
    Now it's lookin' a little smaller next to the way this all has come unhinged.
    I'd say the fault's on none but Him, but it'd be a practical shame.
    Well, other than the one with the capital H, who the hell else am I havin' to blame it on?
    What tactical gain could come from claimin' god planned it this way? Am I wrong?
    Or not? C'mon! Say somethin', wait, who am I even talkin' to?
    Am I dead? I'm confused, if so, I never knew it'd be this awkward too...
    I figured it'd be cold an' dark, but this, this is awful cruel.
    I shiver, golden sparks of light arc across this thoughtful fool's
    eyes, but the sight inside his mind has far from caught the view.
    It'll be a while, and hard as hell, but it's somethin' that I've got to do.
    I tried to keep telling myself, it's all just an illusion,
    but I couldn't quite help it, I was stuck in this delusion.

    It's stupid as fuck, I shoulda rushed to this conclusion.
    I never thought I was caught in a deluge, an' all it was,
    was false truth. Oh, how I wish I coulda viewed it...
    Just how truthfully delusional I was... so stupid.
    Now, from where I sit, no one pales in comparison.
    I was buried in my weakness, still, I know I'm frail,
    but it's a miracle, I've been refreshed, like I'd sipped from the holy grail.
    I should've read that letter though, an' might've... if only it wasn't written to no avail.
    test
  5. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    14,147
    Fragility​

    A presentable mess, dignified by the hunch enharbored
    in a sleek suit that weighted him like tungsten armor.
    Making a glowing entrance from the sunlit parlor
    with a pep in his step while the munchkins lauded.
    He didnt jump for joy, and his frame wasn't rigid.
    He walked the aisle with his ball and chain like a skip it.
    Her head orbiting him, navigated by physics
    as eyes were the counter that rolled...feigning her interest.
    An ensemble plays without change in a cymbal
    as he nears rows of people he favors and mimics.
    The furthest ones back ensure a spaceless exhibit
    and those in between meet his cantankerous limits.
    The strength of his muscles beg for forlorn rescue
    but he's walking trapped in war torn dress shoes.
    Each step is a relief only when he's pausing slowly
    as the latch of the ball and chain is causing cold feet.

    He wasn't a mess before he put that suit on.
    He thinks the marriage wont drag his foot for too long.
    With all the light shining on his largest omen...
    all he had to do was vow past his darkest moments.

    She walked with a smug smile and the flair of a princess.
    Each layer of her gown could air out her business.
    If only her corset could spare the constriction
    so she could breathe before vowing bare to the witness.
    She wore her ball and chain to her marriage indifferent -
    a fashionable dress belt you'd compare with a vixens.
    It was thicker than usual - with daring ambition
    to help hide the bulge where she was bearing her children.
    Broken values alongside karma that faltered
    as she walked perched against the arm of her father.
    Approaching the terrifying, yet, marvelous alter
    while thinking thoughts to harmful to maunder.
    She relishes each second lived in this damn dress
    but anticipates the moment her spirits transgress -
    Throwing the bouquet of balls and chains from her mound
    to strike like a midevil mace at the crowd.

    She's ready to be swept into the night any moment
    but first she passes off this rite of emotion.
    She's getting ready to be much more lady like -
    with thoughts that could make her unborn baby cry.

    They sat as the masses - swooned, or born to act.
    All dressed similarly - but less uniform than fad.
    Mannequin smiles stretched when a mood of normal passed
    and toasts were replied to with a group of formal laughs.
    They had all gone through this motion of passage -
    Their personal dichotomies were open to fashion.
    Some women wore earrings that were rolls of their black whips,
    while scars held the dress up for those in a strapless.
    Most had wedding bands but no dote in their actions
    - staying busy by putting sophistication into holding their glasses.
    Those who had kids spoke with drawl or coy
    as chains were leashes for their balls of joy.
    The men had problems raising their glasses to toast -
    in contract tight cuff links and a mannequin pose.
    The strap on their throat was for pain to subside
    when hanging their head by the ball and chain as their tie.

    A Kansas City Shuffle for certain individuals
    bordering between a circus and a ritual.
    Laughter and applause are fervent in their visuals,
    in the manner that everyone's working for their victuals.
    Even bride and groom aren't partial to the antics -
    respectively imaginable - the garter and the dancing.
    Black suits and white collars in this heritage setting
    entrapped as a charade for the American wedding.
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  6. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    4,146
    Breath:
    Nice with the internals dude, but what really drove this piece was your dialogue.. You developed your character in such a strong matter with such unique, quirky and original wording.. In what I mean by this is you made your character seem odd, off at times but still believable - something that readers can relate to and feel even in such a crazy and outrageous situation.. Plus you know you set an awesome environment with your description of this sudden hermits atmosphere.. The cat link was a real nice touch too.. The ending was pretty cool as well.. all in all A grade buddy..

    Pent:
    Your verse was fairly dope, with the usual high lights like your strong vocab really brought this piece to life.. Your multis where sweet as well making your lines pack a tight punch.. Your imagery hot too .. line after line I could picture a wedding but straight up that’s all this was a wedding.. No twists – no turns just “hey mans scarred, hey the lady loves it” I’ll admit its sweet and if you wrote this as a poem to give to your girlfriend after you went to her sisters wedding she would be like that is soo cute.. but me dude I like in depth stories.. Not a bad read just not your best..

    Vote = breathless

    Straight up his story was much more original and overall just a more interesting piece of writing to read.. GL guys..
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  7. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    24,097
    this one is tough...

    Breathless-

    Wow bro, I love the introspective battle goin on in that head of your character.. it's authentic and genuine, the mechanics are crisp, the story in it's self is very entertaining, you really captured the essence of the setting and had some significant plotting techniques.. favorite lines:

    Well, other than the one with the capital H, who the hell else am I havin' to blame it on?
    What tactical gain could come from claimin' god planned it this way? Am I wrong?
    Or not? C'mon! Say somethin', wait, who am I even talkin' to?
    Am I dead? I'm confused, if so, I never knew it'd be this awkward too...
    I figured it'd be cold an' dark, but this, this is awful cruel.
    I shiver, golden sparks of light arc across this thoughtful fool's
    eyes, but the sight inside his mind has far from caught the view.
    It'll be a while, and hard as hell, but it's somethin' that I've got to do.
    I tried to keep telling myself, it's all just an illusion,
    but I couldn't quite help it, I was stuck in this delusion.


    Pent-up

    Wow, you have great word choice, and vocabulary, your rhymes are fluid and un-hindering, only one area that came off repetitive, but the rest moved along sufficiently, very intriguing imagery and metaphoric development but there were some area's that stumped me up to much for example:

    If only her corset could spare the constriction
    so she could breathe before vowing bare to the witness.
    She wore her ball and chain to her marriage indifferent -
    a fashionable dress belt you'd compare with a vixens.


    what bothers me is ball n chain in my mind in this sense is two interpretations one as the boquette being the ball n chain and there chastity as well. but then theres notion of her fertility so idk.. i guess my mind wanted to take me else where then your story had fashioned for me..

    anywho tough call but my vote goes too

    storyline development/plotting technique(breathless) -vs- expert vocabulary and rhyming mechanics(pent up)

    Breathless....
    test
  8. Defcon_5

    Defcon_5 Relax and take notes

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    10,099
    very nice match up here

    breathless ur verse was a nice read. the storyline was pretty good but the imagery u displayed in ur verse is what set it off. at some parts it's like i could see the same things the protagonist was seeing. The only problem i had with ur verse was the way it ended. I mean u described this light that he saw but never told what it was nor did u explain exactly what was happening. Was he actually dead and this was the space he was stuck in or was he just unlucky enough to live in a world with no sunshine and rain. Other than that it was a real nice verse


    Pent u also has a real nice verse. the flow of ur verse was great. The imagery when describing the people at the wedding was also nice. I think the part that stood out the most was ur description of the bride to be as she walked down the aisle and her secret hidden by her dress. While ur description of the people was great u didn't really have a solid storyline here. When i read this verse it made me envision a slow panoramic view of a wedding reception and while i enjoyed the read it just lacked something that really grabbed me and pulled me in

    in the end i have breathless winning. Although his story left a lot of unanswered questions it still had more than enough to keep my attention in it
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  9. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    Breathless

    Wow really nice verse here, you set the mood
    nicely with good use of vocab and discriptions
    The flow was hot too, only thing id like to see
    tho is maybe shorten a few of your bars, as 1 or
    2 did feel kinda stretched. Overall tho yes from
    beginning to end i enjoyed this verse, nice job

    She leaps into my lap as I wonder how long until we'll have a day
    with dry grass to frolic in again, or a sky that isn't gray.
    Indifferent, she just licks her paws an' wipes 'em on her face.
    The window shows a thickened fog, not light in any way


    Nice i loved it, engaged me right from the off.

    Pent Up

    Beautiful piece right here, the imagery was near perfect
    & gave me that whole wedding vibe, almost to the point it
    felt i was acually there, flow was spot on as usual &
    Altho there didnt seem to be an acual story to it, i couldnt
    of asked for anything more really.

    She walked with a smug smile and the flair of a princess.
    Each layer of her gown could air out her business.
    If only her corset could spare the constriction
    so she could breathe before vowing bare to the witness.


    nice ^

    Right overall 2 different aproachs, always make it extra hard
    Both verses were packed with imagrey, breathless's verse more
    story like but pents had more emotion to it, right im sorry but
    i can only go with the verse which engaged me more & in this
    case it was pents, just.


    Vote - Pent Up
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  10. pestilence

    pestilence now believes he's hyphy.

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    13,154
    Breathless- this was a very nice.. very sharp verse. The beginning and the ending were the major centers for my attention. My only problem was that you got VERY literal mid-verse. If you would have spoke in metaphor (that maybe I'm just not grasping) I feel as if tho it would have been very difficult to beat. It is very difficult to beat the way it is.

    Pent- this was dead on. And I know this because if you were ever with a girl that you were supposed to marry.. For me it was a couple of times lol.. You get the feeling depicted in the verse way before any wedding ceremony. And.. Whenever I go to a reception.. I just can't help but feel the way... Well feel the point that you are tryih to push across. Vocabulary is incredible. This is an exceptional job.


    Vote - Pent and it wad very close! I just think that pent outwrote for a greater majority of the piece. Great job to both!
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  11. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Breathless up -1 to -2
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  12. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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  13. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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