[Week 48] [Champion] C. ShadowWarriorfs(27-16) vs 2. Vaudeville(2-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Mar 1, 2010.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Feb 25, 2008


    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM EST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 5 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.


    VOTES DUE: Every Sunday @ 11:59 PM EST

    •You MUST vote on AT LEAST 5 matches AND post links in your thread
    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
    •Voting on the Championship and Contender matches is mandatory
    •Champ and Contender links MUST be labeled accordingly
    •Your votes MUST be AT LEAST 2 FULL lines in length per verse in order to be deemed valid (Discretion given on incomplete verses)
    •Failure to vote and/or post LABELED LINKS will result in vote deductions in your battle
    •If your opponent fails to show, you are still accountable for voting on 3 matches as well as posting those links in your match and labeling the CHAMP and CONTENDER respectively!!!
    •Votes posted AFTER DEADLINE will NOT COUNT!!!
    •PAST CHAMPIONS MUST vote on a MINIMUM of 3 matches in order to be counted as a legitimate voter
    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.


    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    NASTY- LyRiKaLxLoRd
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
  2. Vaudeville

    Vaudeville New Member

    Feb 14, 2010
    Would you be interested in posting on Wednesday to try to get as many votes as possible? If not, I'll have my verse up by deadline for sure.

    EDIT: I'm going to post late tonight.
  3. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Apr 11, 2004
    I'll try to..if not i can prolly have it done by thursday night
  4. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Apr 11, 2004

    Woman Behind the Veil


    Jesus, how did it get to this?
    Eyes sealed shut spirit ceases to exist
    Her body was lifeless, skin turned pale
    Becoming like the wind that pressed gently against her veil
    I held her close as she turned into a carcass
    Tears halt from her pussy as if it now lacks in harvest
    Her imagine now tarnished, lips blistered with blues
    Her dress becoming undone revealing a bruise
    She was an intelligent girl who kept to herself
    A reflection of God, her heart beats in perfect health
    How could we have done such a thing?
    She was my responsibility she was under my wing

    He told me they just wanted to have fun
    Which later meant running train and premature cum
    I figured she needed a chance to relax
    So I invited her to experience our juvenile acts
    She agreed to hang out but did not wish to be left alone
    “I’ll be right by your side.” I said with assurance in my tone
    We arrived at the party on a warm Friday night
    It was dark yet her eyes glistened in the light
    She wore red velvet dress that barely covered her chest
    Hair flowed effortlessly barely covering her breast
    I found her attractive but I had my eyes on another
    Who was 5’7 and 120lbs with Double Ds that could smoother
    So I left her with him, thinking he would protect her virtue
    Guiding her to a back room whispering, “I won’t hurt you.”
    She became nervous but was too shy to speak
    He sat her on the bed as his genitals grew in heat
    Removing his pants, she panicked and screeched
    He grabbed her and beat her into defeat
    She just laid there, dazed and confused
    While he penetrated her, flesh blazed and abused
    Her cry less tears began to dry with every thrust
    His breathing became heavier until he would finally bust
    She felt disgusted as he smiled and left the room
    I felt something ominous beginning to loom
    I ran to her, Excedrin bottle emptied by her head
    Eyes stared inertly and her breath was now dead

    She became another statistic that day
    Another victim of a horny man’s lay
    To me she was everything in this world
    From the heavens to the very heartbeat of this girl
    I loved her and I should told her before her air went stale
    But to them she was just another woman trapped behind a veil
  5. Vaudeville

    Vaudeville New Member

    Feb 14, 2010
    Blank Expressions

    Michael didn't cry the day he was birthed.
    The doctors wrapped him in towels, and I cradled him first.
    I looked down at him, tears pouring out of my own eyes,
    telling Greg our son had his father's full blown pride.
    We took him home the following night, exhausted,
    but more than ready as the next step creeped upon us.
    Michael would sleep in our bed for the next month or so.
    And every night, Greg would read him a funny poem.
    And every night, I would sing him the sweetest lullaby.
    And every night, Michael would see his mother cry.

    The books told us the first few months would be hard.
    I wasn't burned out -- I was charred. Emotionally scarred.
    I sought therapy for postpartum depression.
    But there were nights where I looked at a knife
    just wanting to cut the tension.

    My son didn't love me. I was convinced of this.
    I questioned his innocence. Greg called me ridiculous.
    My efforts were limitless. I provided food for this kid!
    Was it too much to ask he smile while he chewed on my tit?
    He proved he was quick by playing with blocks,
    methodically moving each brick without shaking the top.
    Damn near silent for two years, one day he just talked
    as if he had been programmed by Satan or God.
    I couldn't decide.
    But he sure knew when he wanted a drink.
    He'd stick out his cup and demand for "wawa" from the sink.
    Greg taught Michael to say "I love you, too."
    I never bothered, knowing it wasn't true.

    There's something unnerving about telling your son you love him,
    and not getting even a smile in return.
    There's something perturbing about kissing your son on the forehead,
    and watching him wipe it off so quick it's like it burns.

    Michael slept soundly every night as I tossed and turned.
    Greg tried to comfort me, but I had lost my nerve.
    So much effort, so much pain. Never any gain.
    I had turn down our family portrait's picture frame.
    I walk with Michael every day. I talk to him.
    I tell him about his grandparents. He seems lost again.
    He's staring at the leaves as they swirl in the wind.
    And like those fallen maples, my world starts to spin.

    Michael had a blank expression when he died.
    He didn't fight or cry as the pillow snuffed his fire.
    He didn't have much of a fire to begin with
    And if it's a sin, then, I'm going to hell.
    But while I smothered
    his face, I realized I had always been a childless mother.
    And this was hardly an escape.
  6. word.smyth

    word.smyth New Member

    Jul 11, 2009
    Both of your drops were very well executed.


    You told a really well constructed story, with obvious emotion and good imagery, I wasn't sure where you were going, but I had no trouble following you there, but I wasn't really too surprised at how it ended. The flow and rhyme was fairly well exectuted, but seemed to fall off a few times. Overall, I really enjoyed your drop. Also was a little impressed that you used the title as well as the picture to do your drop... kind of a double feature of sorts...

    The way you wrote your piece was quite exceptional. I appreciated the way you brought out more and more of the picture as your piece progressed, expressing the emotional turmoil the mother was going through, though it seemed a little fragmented at times, as if you were about to go off on a different tangent, but then came back to the main theme of your topical. The ending was surprising, as I figured the mother would learn to love her son, instead of smothering him...

    it's not an easy task to decide on the better of the two, but I will have to give it to Vaudeville, simply because i found his to be on a deeper level and not quite as predictable. IMHO, though, this was a very close contest.
  7. Vaudeville

    Vaudeville New Member

    Feb 14, 2010
  8. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Apr 11, 2004
  9. S. Issue

    S. Issue Who?

    Sep 22, 2002
    Shadow: I think this piece was pretty well done, man. Your flow was a little wonky from the start, but once you got out of the intro and into the main part of the piece it seemed to resolve and tighten. The story's structure worked for me, kept me moving through and allowed me to focus on the action that was taking place instead of the mechanical aspects, which is the aim here. Also, though there wasn't a huge twist, I still think this was rather well executed. I don't often prescribe to the idea that topical/story pieces need an interesting twist to work and in this case that holds true. This was built on an emotional event and depicted the speaker's emotional turmoil throughout the verse, that was its strong point. I might have liked to see a little more going on in the scheme, but it might have also detracted from what was a pretty good piece. My biggest comment would be just to clean up your intros and really solidify those beginning few lines. It could strengthen your work immensely.

    Good stuff here too. I really enjoy your clear sense of narrative movement and linear creation. You've got an eye for making things move forward without really seeming to try, and that effortless movement is key. Additionally, I think you use some good rhymes and end words to keep your piece fresh and interesting. However, it bothers me that 37 of these lines, there is nearly fifty total in the piece, are end-stopped. It doesn't seem effective and useful to keeping the flow smooth and seamless. Also, you fall off the wagon on your scheme occasionally, dropping in unrhymed lines or nearly rhymed likes that don't really work too well. I like the attempts to be varied and, while I think it could work, these variations are just too long and greated some trouble with the flow of reading it for me. The story you told, like Shadows, was emotional and kept me interested while not completely wowing me for its ingenuity. It was a solidly told and executed piece.

    Tough vote. I think I must go with the piece that I felt was mechanically more sound because they were fairly equal in my eyes when it came to story and emotional content, etc.

    VOTE: Shadow
  10. Menso

    Menso Go Lakers!

    Jul 13, 2004
    Shad- This was actually pretty good. I read it last night, and wasn't really feeling it, read it tody and all's good =). The mechanics were good, except the flow in the beggiinning verse and a few spots here and there, but nothing serious. The only thing that I wasn't really feeling was the story, it felt cliche.

    On that note, who is the girl? Why should we care what happens to her? And by that reasoning, why does homeboy care? Saying she was under his wing didn't really work for me. I think a couple lines fleshing out her character would have helps a lot since, aside from the storyline itself, I though this was really good.

    Vaud- Another well written verse. I thought the flow was pretty good; maybe unorthodox, but it worked. I was really feeling the idea of unrequited love and biological children (I was originally going to do something similar with the Lost Faith topic, maybe that's it); interest is piqued from the begginning:

    "and every night, Michael would see his mother cry"

    Then as the verse goes along we understand what was going on. I thought the concept was great, and I really felt the emotion in this one. I thought the kill the kid twist was good.

    On a side not, I was impressed by the foreshadowing in both verses. Shad got me later, but impressive showing from both.

    Well, I kept thinking about it, and I really think Vaud took this; both were nice, but Vaud made the connection.

  11. Rem Lynxis

    Rem Lynxis A Slight Modicum of Hope

    Jul 30, 2008
    v/ Shadow

    Vaudeville - Although i feel you were both on the same level as far as plot and developement went, your verse seemed to sacrifice lyrical concepts and flow. also i felt that some of your multis seemed forced, but it contributed to the imagery well.

    Shadow - Like i before, your verse was on par with Vaude's as far as developement and plot go. your strengths in things such as flow were noticeable im comparison to Vaude's in other aspects lyrically. Your vocabulary could've better from what i've seen coming from you before.
  12. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Apr 11, 2004
    Match ended in a 2-2 tie
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