[Week 48] 9. Lyricalpriest(1-1) vs 10. Obsent Hope(1-3) vs 11. Resilient(0-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jul 25, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,201

    [​IMG]

    VERSES
    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 5 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 se
    ed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.


    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Sunday @ 11:59 PM PST

    •You MUST vote on AT LEAST 5 matches AND post links in your thread
    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
    •Voting on the Championship and Contender matches is mandatory
    •Champ and Contender links MUST be labeled accordingly
    •Your votes MUST be AT LEAST 2 FULL lines in length per verse in order to be deemed valid (Discretion given on incomplete verses)
    •Failure to vote and/or post LABELED LINKS will result in vote deductions in your battle
    •If your opponent fails to show, you are still accountable for voting on 3 matches as well as posting those links in your match and labeling the CHAMP and CONTENDER respectively!!!
    •Votes posted AFTER DEADLINE will NOT COUNT!!!
    •Voting is open to PARTICIPANTS, RSTL MODERATORS, and PAST CHAMPIONS ONLY!!!
    •PAST CHAMPIONS MUST vote on a MINIMUM of 3 matches in order to be counted as a legitimate voter
    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. Obsent Hope318

    Obsent Hope318 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2011
    Messages:
    82
    test
  3. Resilient.

    Resilient. .. . ..

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2001
    Messages:
    29,663
    test
  4. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,093
    test
  5. Resilient.

    Resilient. .. . ..

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2001
    Messages:
    29,663



    [​IMG]

    As I travel this cold dark road
    I realize I’m cold with this whole hearted soul
    I bogarted the flow of happiness in my friends and my foes..
    ‘n still I wonder how I end up alone
    But now that I’m alone, it’s seeming so right
    I can create my own path without the demons and strife
    Leading me right into the arms of these heathens, I might
    Be dealing with life all wrong, I’m honestly in fear for my life
    But this is the last road that I could be walking
    If there was a God in reality, he would be talking
    To me as I take my time crossing this river
    Into the dead of night; the trees want me as their prisoner
    The way they lean down unto the tracks
    ‘n all this time I’m hoping to fall through one of the cracks
    I glance to the left.. I think this animal is waiting for me
    As I blatantly creep towards it, not making a scene
    I’m praying it be the gate keeper, waiting to see
    If I’m worthy to check in, I let out a sigh of relief
    He’s letting me pass, I grasp on my heart as it beats
    This long road is walk that’s ever so hard to complete
    But when does it end? All this walking could hurt you
    Because a search for the truth may be a walk that’s eternal
    A marathon of obstacles, sitting through this impossible mission
    Knowing that the odds of me living through this are obviously limited
    But God has been given me the thought to envision
    An easier life without darkness enriching causing a problem’s persistence
    Look.. My brain is just severed
    If I were to die now it’d be in the name of Devil
    Take out a .45 caliber, looking straight in the bezel
    Making a hellish look as I pull the trigger…

    *Click*

    Someone intervened, Now my brain is disheveled
    I drop to my knees and cry, I pray as I’m destined..
    To become one with the kingdom of God.. I’m lost and colder
    As Look up in the sky and realize that my walk is over..
    I made it heaven

    [​IMG]

    test
  6. Obsent Hope318

    Obsent Hope318 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2011
    Messages:
    82
    [​IMG]
    this story is about a boy in a box
    a boy in a box who couldn’t grow locks
    the fro that he grew, grew and then stopped
    and that is the story of the boy in a box

    he lived life scattered by hues
    and his color was blue
    yup, just that black...
    and his color love grew
    in his short life span he went from nigga
    to black to afro american .. and so on
    ex-friends, teachers, and society giving him one to grow on
    sending him back to...black

    but he said

    bright
    yeah that's right, my color is bright
    not black or white
    cus the whites seem to have all the fun
    while the blacks are... to cool to do that
    I don’t know how I got in this here box
    hated by demons now I cant grow my locks
    It could be a blessing today
    cus who would twist my hair up anyway
    I heard Timmy got a triangle... so what he figured out
    I smile everywhere I go to try to hide my doubts
    now my secret is out...my secret? ... wait … you didn’t know?
    ... I found a way out the box in O'4'

    see I got on the staaaaage...
    seemed like the only time I was freeeeeee
    that and being meeeeee
    but 'up theres that box again

    see I'm trapped in this box
    my house is shaped like a box
    my jeep is shaped like a box
    my country, at times, is obtuse but even that aint aaacute
    so that makes the world round
    yay, not a box
    but the white man built a space shuttle and satellites and found life on other planets so it's only a matter of time [panting]
    hey sun! don’t eclipse my shine!
    hey, I got a' right mind to put you in a box
    yeah you reader
    but I wont
    instead I'll tell you your religion is not a hoax
    [man anit that a joke?]
    naw
    but somebody tried to put that in a box but I found my way out
    by leaning on the lord with out doubts
    and there is sin again
    now that's a color filled box .. '
    big enough for all the nations
    bet thay didn’t see that box in creation
    bet thay cared about the locks when thay found the truth
    that hell is theirs
    I'd rather have heaven due
    if you live with out sin then you could live as truth... no box
    that's the ultimate way to escape the box... I'm talking about long life, then paradise

    but here I lay, a boy in a box

    the boy in the box who couldn’t grow locks
    the fro that I grew, grew and then stopped
    my box changed shape when the ashes dropped
    now i'm with Jesus... no box
    test
  7. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,093
    extension will be inevitable..
    test
  8. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,093
    Topic: Thinking....

    I inhale & exhale tryna calm my spirit livin in this hell
    I figured bitches and swisher's and liquor 'all i needed to feel uplifted
    but bitches get sicker and swisher's get twisted as the liquor deminishes
    the picture get's depicted it's the way that i'm livin given me this miserable vision
    searchin fa love in all the wrong places,
    when a persons' familiar face turn into da strangest
    thought I fell in love but it turned out to be hatred

    passion is not casual...
    before rushin' into the next
    i best make sure that we compatible
    i wear my heart on my vest
    been thrown into relationship's like a catapult
    i need to get more of the sex
    coz baby you know it's the best
    got me open i must come confess..

    hopin' that this game will be retrieved i need somethin to believe in
    Dreamin' that we been together for a reason...
    but as time goes by it get's harder for me to see them...
    who am I decievin'thinkin' were going to beat them
    .............statistic's it's sick shit,
    what we puttin' our selve's thru is gettin' vicious
    "every little thing you do stay's on my mind"
    I can't get away from you and I don't wanna stray from our grind
    I just wanna stay stuck in this bliss
    every touch every kiss addicted to your lips
    hips' got me transfixed on this damn bitch
    and I can't quit enchanted by this passion
    I know she got a man but I don't give a damn' 'n
    now my whole world is crashin'
    neglected to respect it now it's gettin' hectic
    hope the he doesn't detect it
    but then again u don't need to be a detective
    to see it's been infected
    we was just fuckin' where did this affection
    come in connection we need to reject it
    I was just venting i hope that im reaching
    no disrespecting i hope you believe me
    but thing's have been gettin outta control between you and me
    this is all wrong this just couldn't and should not be
    it's hard to let go but harder to hold on so to speak
    you got me so in too deep.. i hope that you don't give me grief
    but we both know we so wrong for floatin' in ec-staci
    strokin' and poke in them sheet's emotion's devoloping between you and me
    but we must fight them we can't let them be
    but girl tonight when we horny then we will see
    if we can control the thing we need to decease
    freakin' and sceet in them cheek's all over your face mouth and your teeth
    i know it sounds sick but it's human nature to me
    you know if you strip then i'm gone have to beat
    then i want you to get down on your knee's
    open your mouth take this load from your daddy please
    i think we need to break up before my heart get's taken up
    i hope that you thank me for the picture that im painting up
    but girl im buzzin no need for no frontin tonight when your lonely
    call me for some fuckin' im lonely right now after i had all these drinks
    this romancin' got me acting like im getting trapped in im just starting to think..
    I think we should go before we can not retreat you got a man we just on da creep
    and i gotta respect that don't wanna seem cheap come of as a freak or a geek or a creep
    but i think it's best if we both go in peace. but not until i get one last go of a piece..

    [​IMG]

    that time they both got caught when they heard the door unlock then
    the boy friend walked in this was what he saw end...

    to be continued....
    test
  9. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Exhaustion vote so ignore my misguided hatred for you all.. :)


    Resilient - I love the story but i thought the wording was a bit weird in a lot of areas. "I’m praying it be the gate keeper," was awkward for me. You also were missing words in places that kept the piece from flowing like you intended. All of this could have been cleaned up through proof reading. Still, i thought the rhymes were smooth and, when i filled in the words mentally, the flow was solid. It wasn't a creative story for the most part but a nice story to get you back into the swing of things. Good work


    Obsent - Well i thought the topic here had great potential but i believe you messed it up with delivery. The story read very weak and when i say that, i mean it lacked sophistication. It felt like i was reading a nursery rhyme which is fine most some cases but your audience isn't 5 so at least throw in some clever imagery. For example, "I don’t know how I got in this here box", to me, it would have been better if you had said something like 'I don't know how i became this cereal box' or something clever. This topic had potential to really have been impressive but you geared it towards people who are beyond this level of comprehension. Also, your rhymes, when they actually rhymed, were bad and simple. I was really disappointed in this. I was hoping you would have thought outside of the box, ha, and focused on something not so obvious like perhaps the camera. You started with the colors but you moved from it and it became so boring to follow or care about. Next time, focus on who you are writing to. Cool attempt tho



    LP - This was the biggest chore to read out of all of these stories. Use a freaking comma every once in a while. It felt your lines never ended. I'm gathering from your lack of following advice that you don't really care to improve. That's fine and if so, you can stop reading here...................Still reading? here we go, I've seen you write better than this and after reading the first two stories here i thought you would have a chance but you ruined it. Writing lines like "i best make sure"??? what is this? Also the misuse of apostrophes is embarrassing. not to mention "were" does not equal we're. If you don't know what I'm talking about, here.... "who am I decievin'thinkin' were going to beat them". I assume you wanted to say "we are" or "we're". This verse was poorly put together and seemed like a lazy attempt at writing. Honestly, i've read this verse a couple times and still don't really know what it's about. I figured it was about sex because of words like "freakin'" and "sceet" but beyond that..no idea. You are capable of so much better and i'm hard on you because i've seen you do better so when i tell you that this was crap, I'm don't mean any harm. If you don't want advice, let me know and i'll stop giving it because it seems like you don't even listen to any given to you. I'm done ranting.....

    P.S most of this barely rhymed...ok now i'm done





    V/ Resilient for better delivery, story and writing
    test
  10. IAmBenT

    IAmBenT Eat a dick, faggot

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2011
    Messages:
    1,356
    Wow

    Res - i liked the flow in this piece, you used some clever rhymes and had good images, it seemed as if the concrete picture situation of you walking alone on the tracks melted away and disappeared into a metaphor for life, alone, going through struggles, and just ending it all. I had a problem with invoking the idea of Godlessness and then ending up in heaven, it just seems silly and cliche, but the rhymes here were dope, just like Shad said lack of a few articles here and there made it hard to follow a few times and it wasnt ground enough for me.

    Obsent - the concept is great. If you had really wrapped this up and given us some more metaphors and complexity i think you would have won. This is more like a spoken word piece, and read as such, it works pretty well actually. I think you wandered off track a bit and didnt bring in the topic of Jesus soon enough. And seeing you do more with the race relations images and questions you brought up would have been more satisfying.

    Lyrical - you always have interesting flow and scheme. After reading several of your pieces I think I have an idea as to how this sounds. You use the internals quite nicely, some of the images in this are just laugh out loud funny, I wish you hadnt misspelled skeet lol this was a pretty cool verse though, i like the idea of letting us wonder what is going to happen at the end, hopefully there wil be a continuation in the future, I would have liked to have known a bit more as to why they were sleeping around behind old dude's back, like is he abusive? is she just a ho? what?

    Vote -Resilient i liked Lyrical's verse, just needed to be revised. All three of these could have used a quick edit, read aloud or what not.
    test
  11. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Wee - this was a pretty deep piece, but it lacked what seemed like a proof read. Long road is walk? Seems like you forgot the "a". Little things like that are slightly distracting, but beyond that I really enjoyed the tone and flow of this verse. As look up, is another example of that. All in all not a bad verse. Nothing truly out of the box I guess, but some of your lines were really enjoyable.

    Obsent - aside from the strong fanboy attitude towards nom's verse last week you really missed the mark here. For one you didn't execute on your topic very well at all even though it's a powerful topic for a hip hop verse. Your flow was all over the place and that's never a good thing. Stretched bars aren't appealing and I think the short bars made you sacrifice content because you seemed uncomfortable with them. Create your own writing style, don't try to conform to that of someone else.

    Priest - This read like a giant run-on sentence. There are no breaks in your verse and it makes for a really monotonous read. Also your bars are overly stretched and centering them doesn't hide that. Now as I read the verse you had a pretty cliche depiction of bad relationships and plunging into them, which is whatever, but as you're depicting this girl you're really into you call her a bitch? See here's the issue, when your tone switches in a verse from disappointment to optimism that needs to correlate into your vocab as well. This just really felt like a half-assed verse.

    vote = Resilient
    test
  12. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,093
    test
  13. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,201
    Resilient- im not gonna bust your balls for the typos/proof reading since its already been done. this was a very sound piece. i liked the flow and the rhyme schemes throughout. the story itself wasnt bad. it held my attention, though it wasnt anything that hasnt already been done. all in all, not bad.

    Obsent - well, ive never seen a verse about hair before. but really, you had the right idea. you just got to stick around a bit longer so the wording will come around. thats something that will take time and practice, but it looks like youre already gone. anway, at times your flow was pretty bad, and at other times it was really good.

    see I'm trapped in this box
    my house is shaped like a box
    my jeep is shaped like a box
    my country, at times, is obtuse but even that aint aaacute
    so that makes the world round
    yay, not a box
    but the white man built a space shuttle and satellites and found life on other planets so it's only a matter of time [panting]

    it was good and then you have that long ass line. it seems like you wrote this like you'd write an audio verse. but theres a difference between audio and text.

    LP - "open your mouth take this load from your daddy please" now, i know you didnt mean it this way, but this line was very very very disturbing to me. this was a step back, i thought. as its already been stated, your lines just seemed to keep going and going. there was no break in it. also, the verse just wasnt interesting. there just wasnt much development to this, i thought. just fucking.


    vote- Resilient
    test
  14. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Resitient up 3 to 0 to -4
    test
  15. Resilient.

    Resilient. .. . ..

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2001
    Messages:
    29,663
    test
  16. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    I change my mind now....I win
    test
  17. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    resilient - The flow here in this verse for you this week was probably the most impressive out of all the written criteria. Not to say the rhymes were busted up, but to say the wording was spot on. You also had a clarity here that speed up the read and capitalized on message. Most verses are not overtly easy to read here in the RSTL, and as this verse highlights.

    So, good job. I suspect that your complexity and difficulty will also unfold more in the weeks to come



    Ohope-- I also felt you bit from Noms themes in his last weeks verse. And as taking that, I felt you could have stuck more true to the bubble theme. Nom missed the mark last week with it also, this week so did you.

    It has an overall controlled feel, which is always good, but the depth was resting on shallow, often trampled ideas. I thought this was a fair piece.


    Pree- You have many good thoughts and ideas in this verse, but the thing is, I felt these thoughts, ideas, themes never really developed much or pushed outside of the confined box you put them in. As such, the piece read on like a endless run on sentence or rant...This is a common problem, I do it to often.

    When people say work on structure, they not only mean bar length, syllable count or any other written technicality, but they also mean idea structure, theme delivery and the things in writing that are of the abstact....



    V- R
    test
  18. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,201
    Resilient wins 4 to 0 to -4
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)