[Week 48] 7. ShadowWarriorfs(30-16) vs 8. TheInkwell(2-2)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jul 25, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSES
    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 5 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 se
    ed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.


    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Sunday @ 11:59 PM PST

    •You MUST vote on AT LEAST 5 matches AND post links in your thread
    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
    •Voting on the Championship and Contender matches is mandatory
    •Champ and Contender links MUST be labeled accordingly
    •Your votes MUST be AT LEAST 2 FULL lines in length per verse in order to be deemed valid (Discretion given on incomplete verses)
    •Failure to vote and/or post LABELED LINKS will result in vote deductions in your battle
    •If your opponent fails to show, you are still accountable for voting on 3 matches as well as posting those links in your match and labeling the CHAMP and CONTENDER respectively!!!
    •Votes posted AFTER DEADLINE will NOT COUNT!!!
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    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
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  2. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
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  3. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    736
    extension needed =\ won't be home today..
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  4. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    Please Return to Me


    I’ve spent years in the dark praying for love
    Tears revealing a stark reality of no glove
    Worn by God, His fingerprints reveal why
    I’ve been trapped within this Hell waiting to die
    Absorbing his contempt and the fears he sent
    Like an abused child or a failed experiment
    I attempt to scrub away the flaws but nothing works
    Ignoring the calls, bandaging the emotion that hurts
    As my frail frame lay huddled on the shower floor
    Such a repulsive image, even the water refuses to pour
    Yet I’m drowning in my sorrows, too afraid to swallow
    Body hollow, dragging with legs too stiff to follow
    Staring at my liquor bottle, reliving the memories
    Of Kim who was like a princess from fictional stories

    Back then she was just a girl from my neighborhood
    An outcast as my words cut deeper than any razor could
    But Kim just smiled while grabbing my hand tightly
    Promising to protect me if any boy tried to fight me
    I could feel the sincerity in her adolescent voice
    Kim said she loved me and it was fate, not a choice
    She was right; when we kissed I could feel a spark
    Her crystal blue eyes eased and warmed my heart
    We became inseparable like two peas in a pot
    Our relationship strong, bullies teased us stop
    Succeeding as our parents forced us apart
    She was moving, my life started to grow dark
    I never forgot the moment they took her from me
    Holding hands while the sky became sunny
    House vacant while they pulled her away
    Kim screamed that we would reunite one day
    But I’ve been waiting and now I’ve given up
    Assured that Kim had moved on, my eyes shut

    Suddenly there was a knock at the door
    Confident it was oblivion; I embraced what it had in store
    I answered as the sunlight left me blinded
    Finding a note in a place where only I could find it
    Partially sealed with traces of a delicate scent
    Warming me as I looked to see where it was sent
    No addresses, so I began to read the letter
    “One day has come…” I squinted my eyes to see better
    Looking up, I saw a woman and remembered those cries
    It was Kim; I could never forget her big blue eyes
    Her hand clutching the fence that separates us
    I ran to her while Kim’s voice serenades us
    It felt like time stopped when I held her hand
    She had returned to me, now finally I can stand


    [​IMG]
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  5. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2011
    Messages:
    736
    damnit, some family shit came up and i wont be able to post anything this time around.. my bad, i feel like an asshole. but here's some bs 16 lines..

    i heard a boy in a sphere told a boy in a sphere
    that a sphere is a square if you like bears
    but bears have fur and are endangered
    hashtag PETA and forest rangers
    that need asprins because of yogi bear
    who doesnt care about the repercussions
    on the supply and demand curve discussions
    where he undoubtedly drives up demand
    for aspirins and
    therefore generates a shortage
    but never fear, as substitute products
    like tylenol and advil will step up
    and win the customers that are still in need
    they may also pick up bandaids incase they bleed
    the next sentence incorporates a topic indeed
    requiem for a drea- RANDOM ACTS
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  6. IAmBenT

    IAmBenT Eat a dick, faggot

    Joined:
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    1,356
    Vote -Ink that yogi bear line was deep lol. Jk

    Shadow, I really liked this verse. You took a simple childhood reunion and charged it with alot of drama and emotional force. Your storytelling elements are still strong, I am glad you did not sacrifice that for the sake of intellectualized poetry. Great imagery, at some points you used internal rhyming in a real clever and powerful way to bring about the "right" sounds, if that makes sense. my problem is that it seems a bit overwrought, like there is just two much feeling for something that happens to kids all the time and for her to literally be so torn up about it made it less believable for me. another thing is sometimes i think your lines and images would be more powerful with less words. you have alot of articles that just sit around and clog the flow for me. for instance: "such a repulsive image" could just be 'repulsive image', that kind of thing. not all the time just sometimes. i love the hopeful ending, we need more of that in the league and less motherfuckers dying and getting killed lol

    Ink - this is the best no show verse I have ever read. It touched me in a special place. keep up the good work lol

    REAL Vote -Shadow Warriorfs
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  7. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,093
    Ink-SMH but LOL @ the constant mockery made hahahahaha..

    SHAD- BRO FAV verse as of late from u imo.. ur flow was energetic powerful and intense u imagery and narration was good intresting and followed a good direction .. everything connected here i suppose ink seen what u did and backed out... bc this was fiyah!!! real talk keep this up bro.. take that belt back!!!!!

    "Back then she was just a girl from my neighborhood
    An outcast as my words cut deeper than any razor could
    But Kim just smiled while grabbing my hand tightly
    Promising to protect me if any boy tried to fight me
    I could feel the sincerity in her adolescent voice
    Kim said she loved me and it was fate, not a choice"

    favorite part of the verse i felt the story really takes off from here!

    vote shad
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  8. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Ink - so this had some amusing elements to it from the start w/ the nom bit through the little lesson in economics that you gave. Obviously if this was more than a no-show verse along this tone it would be hard to carry out, but it was an amusing read.

    Shadow - A stark reality of no glove? That just sounds really awkward to me and when you're opening up your verse with awkward wording like that it sets a tone that's off putting to a reader. Use "-" if you want someone to read straight through to the next line otherwise I naturally pause at the end of a bar (which most readers do). "Princess from fictional stories" is awkward wording Kim who was a fictional princess delivers the same effect and has a better wording to it and since you didn't have an actual rhyme there anyway you don't lose out. There's a lot that could be reworded though. It seems like you put a lot of effort into enhancing your rhyme scheme and making this really fluid verse, but the language suffers because of it. You need to find a way that fits your style to make these two aspect gel. Another thing I notice is that you never have any breaks in the length of your lines. I like to break things up a little more for effect, for instance as you transition into your 2nd verse if you do "Back then..." and then put the rest as your next line it reads nicer and transitions better. It also gives the rest of your line a better effect as it's clunky with the back then in there. Another issue I've noticed is that some of your bars are cluttered with useless words. Either redundant description or unnecessary articles. Try to cut your bars down to what you're actually trying to say in them and I think it'll make for a much better read. All in all this isn't a bad verse by any means, but you have a lot of room for improvement.

    vote = Shadow obviously.
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  9. nom is dull.

    nom is dull. but shines up pretty.

    Joined:
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    1,541
    wish i'd never done that 'boy in a bubble told a boy in a bubble' thing now. i feel mocked.

    shads - some of your rhyming was just so bland it really took me out of your piece, especially starting on a love / glove rhyme. the scent / sent rhyme bugged me as well. i think i may be far too pedantic about rhymes. also i'm pretty the idiom is peas in a pod not peas in a pot. i understand the point of the first stanze but i found it to be unbearably drag and could've been massively condensed and more effective. the second stanza was much better and had a much easier storytelling going on that was much more effective with some of the bland end rhymes. the last stanza was also a bit overblown for what could've been a very nice emotional ending. some of your lines just felt like they were there to get to the rhyme when the whole line should be saying something, even if it's justa bit of filler to push the story along.

    vote - shad.
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  10. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
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    shadow - damn, what is it with people doing all these happy verses this week. lol. but this was entertaining. i was expecting Kim to be dead or something when the main character got the letter, so in that it was a twist to me. very well written.

    Suddenly there was a knock at the door
    Confident it was oblivion; I embraced what it had in store
    I answered as the sunlight left me blinded
    Finding a note in a place where only I could find it

    this really read awkwardly to me. you answered as sunlight left you blinded. answered what exactly? but aside from that, good job.


    ink- damn, your no show verse blew mine away. loved the boy in the sphere part. this had me cracking up all the way through. shoulda kept going with the random shit like that and made an entire verse about it. woulda been interesting.

    vote- shad
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  11. Resilient.

    Resilient. .. . ..

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    29,663
    Shadow - Nice Story. I enjoyed this read alot. flow was decent. "2 peas in a poD" not "pot." Just saying - haha.. Anyways. Storyline was good. nothing spectacular, but not bland either. I always enjoyed love stories. they can go any way depending on the writer. I have to say, the ending really upset me. My question is - why is there a fence there still if she came back? Unless she had passed away, so the fence is figurative for a wall to the other realm? I was a little foggy on that. None the less, decent drop.

    Inkwell - I really wanted to see you show this week man. But that was a funny read. Lol.

    Vote - ShaddowWarriorfs
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  12. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    ^^Nice thinking Resilient...I was acutally going to go with that and be more precise with it but i decided to leave it open to the reader..


    Shadow wins 6-0
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  13. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    shadow- These are the positives I see, and at this point they are really important: I really felt that your style has really paid attention to poetic concepts...and tbh I give you applause. Normally you frame a story with too many bricks and mortar, but this week you found a balance between story and poetry....and it really felt like a different writer wrote this.

    Am I the only one to see this ?

    I'd say keep writing in this context, voice or whatever thing you were in when you set this week. And keep working on more stark ways to express to a lazy consumer reader LOL. Work on rhymes too. I'm no master, but I feel this I should say. Keep this up, I tell you the truth.


    V-S
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  14. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Shadow wins 7-0
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