[Week 48] 5. nom is dull.(1-0) vs 6. Cigma(1-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jul 25, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

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  2. nom is dull.

    nom is dull. but shines up pretty.

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    Our toes tapped gingerly as the stereo stuttered
    Peppering summer with the essence of hunger
    Oppressive as thunder, so restless we wandered
    The soft light making us less aggressive as hunters

    The smoke caught in my mouth and kissed my teeth
    My fingers tangled in her hair as she slipped from me
    I dripped a dream from a tea spoon into the earth
    Orpheus and Eurydice suffered a similar curse
    So timid I work my words into the cracks and stones
    And sing songs to the doves and the rats and crows
    I scratch my prose into a belief that she made
    I cover my eyes and stay as a thief in the day
    Sheepishly pray with my hands clasped tight
    Death doesn’t ensure freedom but handcuffs might
    A pre planned sleight kept my body by hers
    She thought it was nothing but how a hobby occurred
    An honesty burns that makes her lighter than air
    While her lipstick traces lines of a tired affair

    We traced figure eights in the dirt with our naked feet
    With the same ink in our wounds that a painter needs
    A saint that screams blue murder when the moon dies
    The truth in our eyes stuck looking like a June sky

    As the crowd sat watching the floor as it moved
    She said she felt alien, I felt like a foreigner too
    No longer a popular muse, we’d fallen from fashion
    Another line in the sand had been scored in the action
    A sordid reaction to every beauty we preached
    Of every skimmed stone that touched the roof of the sea
    An outlook suitably bleak, we cried like kittens
    While we tried to dance anew to a finite rhythm
    The pilot light kicks in igniting a spark
    Making these days rival the past
    So shy as I laugh I follow the notes on the page
    We were hopeful and brave
    A token display of hope as it fades
    We set our focus on days
    Where the summer was ours
    And cast our dreams on the fire so the colour would char
    Lovers by chance

    We spun words and weaved every belief in our hair
    Kept our cards to our chests like there was a thief in the air
    A sheep with its wool spun into wolfs clothing
    I’d leave my seat on this hill but the views golden

    We listened for the thunder from the foot of the bed
    Emblazoned our signatures on the book of the dead
    We reckoned respect was worth more than our freedom
    We held our hands like we were praying, they believed us
    Agreed such terms that we were never leaving
    Tethered, seething, heavily peppered breathing
    We’d have been better freezing with our morals intact
    But you couldn’t comprehend the horror of that
    With the sorrow attached like the hand of a child
    But I suppose you never were a fan of the wild
    Your panicked denial makes my heart bleed clean
    As I drift off to your melody, a requiem for a dream

    requiem for a dream.
    test
  3. Cigma

    Cigma Maxwell's Demon

    Joined:
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    12,377
    Extension request.





    Votes here -
    test
  4. Cigma

    Cigma Maxwell's Demon

    Joined:
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    12,377
    Suffering is insidious And oblivious,
    makes it easy just To sit here bugged,
    listless doing nothing but Exist in futile wondering,
    Without wonder Hungering for something more
    yet unmotivated It's a chore to even fix A hot plate,
    instead instant snacks quickly sate The appetite.
    A caterpillars plight…

    [​IMG]

    Wake up!! It's Sunday and you can't come play!?
    What's in the way Are you too afraid To do your best?
    Or will you let A sunny day Simply run away lazy…



    Son,
    Either one Everyone Is gonna change,
    that Or meekly stay the same Eeking away.
    You lack faith How come, when facts state,
    you'll end great Because It's in your, D-N-A.

    Naivete, how easily You could leave it today!
    You've been beaten By a need To keep feeding,
    So you kept eating! When what you really Needed,
    to do was chew, Process those meals to completion.
    Study experiences and Learn what life teaches,
    push past the pain release it keep reaching.

    I'm beseeching A region that's deep in,
    You seldomly frequent with treasonous reasoning,
    believing By leaving The brambles And branches,
    you'll crash land And get Smashed to bits frankly,
    or at least Suffer damages And that's not worth the risk.
    But that's cowardly...

    We've been all blessed with a gift,
    Only we can give... It's our inheritance To develop it,
    and that inkling you get When the wind hits your spirit,
    is destiny cheering.

    Keep it A secret… but I seen it.
    I gleaned glint
    Passing flashes of your brilliant being,
    the Meaning to the world you can bring.
    If only you'd grow wings.

    [​IMG]
    test
  5. IAmBenT

    IAmBenT Eat a dick, faggot

    Joined:
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    1,356
    Faaaantastic

    Nom - wonderfully crafted verse from top to bottom, elegiac and haunting, word choice was really smooth and flowed great, smart use of multis, best verse I have read this week, I just would have liked a little more concreteness to drum up a stronger emotional appeal as I felt the verse sometimes rubbed off as an intellectual exercise more than a heartfelt exploration.

    Cigma - so creative and cool, i love how you explore the facet of something as simple as this bug, and you are giving it wisdom in like a fatherly way, you used the pictures really well which I think is a strong suite, something you should keep doing, your word choice was at times awkward in this for me but overall really unique quirky verse with a cool story, whimsical and I like the ending line.

    Vote -Nom, i felt cigma came with it but nom's verse is just very sound and just well crafted and smart.
    test
  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    13,681
    Nom - this had your usual flare as you tend to depict this kind of love/relationship/cold emotion quite well. It's something I've come to expect from you with the way you narrate a verse with a strong writers voice and quality vocab throughout the piece. The ending seems a little disconnected to me, but none the less a nice verse.

    Cigma - I thought it was interesting how you built up this depiction of a caterpillar possibly turning into a butterfly one day, but how that metaphor can correlate to people and the emotion that you grasped at. I know there are things about this that I probably miss that make perfect sense to you, but for me, as much as I can appreciate what you conveyed and the creativity behind the approach, it really didn't pull me in the same way that nom's verse did.

    At the end of the day I can correlate better to an estranged pair of lovers than blossoming into a butterfly (perhaps something beautiful?)

    vote = Nom.
    test
  7. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2000
    Messages:
    24,093
    Nom-Wow every bar is well thought out and perfectly executed story is very infliuential with lines like your mythology reference about :
    “Orpheus and Eurydice suffered a similar curse”
    I liked how you used irony before you power sentence.
    “Sheepishly pray with my hands clasped tight”
    Because that set this bar up:
    “Death doesn’t ensure freedom but handcuffs might”
    I like the energy and multi rhyme scheme in this portion of ur stanza:
    “An outlook suitably bleak, we cried like kittens
    While we tried to dance anew to a finite rhythm
    The pilot light kicks in igniting a spark
    Making these days rival the past”

    I like how your material sorta held a connective theme here and what I found most interesting is your use of irony thru out your them making it have sorta unique distinguishable feel…

    Cigma- I like your idea’s and how you have a unique delivery but some of the bars just didn’t say enough for me like:

    “Son,
    Either one Everyone Is gonna change”
    But you did manage to finish it up with a more concise effort in the later bars..
    But even here at the beginning you had some vision word couplettes and triplets but the rhyme scheme was absolutely neglected the structure was ur trade mark cryptic style and it really set the story on a solid stanza.. the stanza was just not rhymed in I sense that I can appreciate as appropriate and at par.. (n o offense) im sorry if I had to find something but these are things I feel u can strengthin and be better..
    Vote nom…

    I did enjoy both verse's just as equal but guidlines say i must vote and i must present a theory to why i voted so i did so in the votes.
    test
  8. nom is dull.

    nom is dull. but shines up pretty.

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    test
  9. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    nom - from a mechanical standpoint this verse was dope. the imagery and wording was great, and your rhymes were very smooth. the verse had a nice flow throughout. but the story itself kinda bored me. in the middle i caught myself drifting off. also, i feel like ive read this before but im not sure. anywhoo, solid drop.

    cigma - like usual, i have absolutely no idea what this verse is about. i skimmed the votes and saw that GL? said this was about blossoming into a butterfly, but i personally am at a complete loss. it would make sense with the caterpillar bit. idunno. the flow was smooth throughout.

    vote- nom
    test
  10. Resilient.

    Resilient. .. . ..

    Joined:
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    29,663
    Nom - I don't know why, but I feel like I've read you before. Something is jumping out at me, but I need a few more weeks to decide. Anyways. Flow was nearly flawless in your piece. I was able to spit this the whole way through. Very enjoyable read.Multies and inner bar rhyming also made for a little enjoyment, so nice work when it came to content. As far as your story, it was great. You planned this story well in advance before writing your first lines, and I have to say I haven't seen writing like this since Infinite Truth was in his prime. You are definitely a force to reckoned with now. My favorite part was:
    "We spun words and weaved every belief in our hair
    Kept our cards to our chests like there was a thief in the air
    A sheep with its wool spun into wolfs clothing
    I’d leave my seat on this hill but the views golden"

    That bridge was awesome. Nice work.

    Cigma - I had to read this twice. I enjoyed this verse alot. I liked how you were talking about a bug, one day becoming something. In reality, the battles of life is what you were depicting here. Great choice of pictures to match up, but great way to intertwine a simple caterpillar to our way of life. I had some trouble reading the 2 bridges before each picture - you switched up the flow a bit so it was a little bit of a rocky read.

    Both stories were good.

    Vote - Nom.
    test
  11. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Cigma wins....
    test
  12. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    Nom--- I felt the imagery to be of high proficiency, and it all had a important character to add this pastel verse. One thing I noted was that the imagery was all birds of the same feather, that is to say the atmosphere and mood was a constant static. So on one had we have a delicate read, on the other we have it placed in grandmas living room.

    What I am saying is to use contrasted imagery...you know, give me a brick red, then maybe a florescent yellow. This would do several things to your verse. It would really highlight your complexity as a writer and brighten the impact of the verse.

    Still, this was a fantastic verse, I really like the leisurely walk down a small window of time that you let us sneak a peak in.

    In short, great job and really think about my advice.



    Brother Cigma -

    Suffering is insidious And oblivious,
    makes it easy just To sit here bugged,
    listless doing nothing but Exist in futile wondering,
    Without wonder Hungering for something more
    yet unmotivated It's a chore to even fix A hot plate,
    instead instant snacks quickly sate The appetite.
    A caterpillars plight…


    While this opener was full of wild expressions and flights of fancy it also was not very clear. As an opener should be your thesis statement, what the piece will or might be about. It felt like a middle passage more than anything, and a bad start for this verse..

    Looking on, this verse flowed really fast by nature. It was a quick slide down some brutal line of imagery and instruction. The ending soften the impact.

    Some more control on this verse was needed, maybe a slowed down play by play to allow the reader some reference as to what really is going on ? What realm of reality was this in ? What concern, and where did the problem come from ? Etc...



    V- nom
    test
  13. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    nom recycled, Cigma wins
    test
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